Teetering on the edge of calling time on the marriage - so hard - DH who cannot communicate

[Captivatingcapybara]

Morning,

I have changed username but I am a longer term poster. My husband is ND and I am so very done. I am at my wits end but finding it so hard to call time on the relationship. Been together for so long and teenage kids. One who is also ND and in a complex situation of online school/tutors/EHCP/PIP applications etc. Obv I do all of this and DH has done none of it. I just cannot do it any more and I am broken by it all. I also work FT in a professional job. Am also the breadwinner (he does work but I earn a lot more).

I have tried talking to him, he literally does not/cannot communicate. I mean he says nothing or I don't know. I have tried begging for help in a carefully worded whatsapp message (even ran it through AI to ensure it was not blaming, clear comms). That was over a month ago and he never replied. I am holding everything together here and struggling more and more in work to balance it all (SEND, other DD and FT job)

I feel like I am kicking a puppy. He does not want to leave but I cannot cope and the resentment of him being here and doing nothing or even responding to my pleas for help has broken me. He will literally say nothing even if I am in tears.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel so unkind but also, this is no fun for anyone? Did you regret splitting?

Try not to do too much at once. Focus on the last few GCSEs and then take a break to restore and reset. Once you are out of this exhaustion and rebalanced - then have a think about your marriage. Your DD and her next steps are more than enough for you to shoulder right now.

I’m so sorry OP, that sounds very hard.

Would your H agree to moving out anyway? Or accepting a lower percentage of the house, especially if your children stay with you (he doesn’t sound capable of looking after them).

Is it worth getting legal advice?

@Captivatingcapybara The only way out of this is to remain laser focused on yourself and the children. He can't empathize or express himself in a way that is going to provide you with the support and strength you need so in the nicest possible way, stop looking for it from him.

Radical acceptance is required, he won't change, you can still be kind and respectful but leaving is the best option to maintain your own sanity and self respect.

I've read through your thread and just thought I had a small piece of very hard earned wisdom to add.
When you ask him a question or need a decision from him and he doesn't answer, you then say.. out loud "ok so that's your decision"
Not engaging or making active choices is a decision, you must treat it as such.

People can ask for more time to make choices, can ask for help, can ask for you to explain the possible outcomes but it s absolutely an active choice not to make a decision.

Im not saying this as a means to change him. ( Hes in his comfort zone and he'd rather hurt you and his children than get out of that. ) But as a means to free yourself from the guilt of doing what you have to do to deal with both everyday life, and at this point, substantial change.
He could choose so many other ways to deal with this, be fully aware that this thing he is doing is his choice.
And yes I do have experience of ND.

@Captivatingcapybara i read your thread when you first posted it: I am in a v similar position. My youngest DC are now in Y12; one in not in mainstream education. I just wanted to send you solidarity, and to let you know that the intensity of it ebbs and flows. After exams, as others have said, you may be able to breathe and rest for a little bit, that will allow you to reset. You are not alone.

Once exams are over, can you take a breather and talk to a family solicitor about your options and what a realistic financial settlement would look like? Might it be possible to keep the house if you got a lodger?

But he's not your child. Of course you're not extending the same empathy to him. He's an adult with agency and he's made the choice not to seek help to improve family life. To me you don't need to feel guilt, you need to feel urgency to get out

Hi OP how are things?
Your dh sounds like mine.He was really good for a couple of decades..well kind and supportive.Now he is a miserable moody lump who doesn't respond or even think about his future.I mostly keep myself to myself now the adult dcs have left home yrs ago.
Even I struggle with being so lonely.I don't mind the physical loss it's the conversations.
I can see myself getting out this year.He is is his own room watching TV mostly sport while life passes us by.
I didn't realize how much I carried him before.

Yes, I could have written this myself. So sorry for your situation. You seem to have been in this relationship for a long time so I too would like to know how you have dealt with this for so long already. Did you know he was ND from the start? If so, the normal emotional response you feel just won't be there for him surely and never will. What was the glue that held it together all those years?

Thanks all, I appreciate the kindness. I am sorry to those of you who are similar situations, truly. I am so done. He is ignoring all whatsapp messages (he ignores any in person comms unless superficial stuff like what's for tea). How can anyone behave like this? I literally cannot compute.

For those that asked me things, this has got lots worse. It was not always like this. He's never been a great communicator but we navigated the loss of one of our children and were able to communicate then. What I am faced with now is very different. Objectively I think he has shutdown and/or is depressed. I do not know. I have signposted him to support (GP, Samaritans/Mind. EAP).

I cannot remember if I said that he also told the kids it would be better off if he wasn't here (and he didn't mean in the house). I was incadescent about that as I grew up in a household where my Mum did this and worse, he knows the impact. I have told him that this is both a safeguarding issue and completely unacceptable. When asked he said 'he didn't know how that made them feel'. Literally. I sound unsympathetic but I am not. I am sorry he feels so low but I can only signpost to avenues of support which I have done multiple times. He is not my child and I cannot be responsible for him.

Sadly a lodger is not possible, no way one of my kids (prob either) would cope with that (v high levels of anxiety etc). I will book an appt with a family law person. I did call them before post house value but they wanted £300 for an intial appt and I need all the finances (including his pension). I could not do it then as was in GCSE hell. I also won't know his pension as I cannot control that. I know everything else though as I do it all! So I will do this, I just need to sort myself.

Also referred myself back for counselling via work. I am cutting down on everything money wise as best I can to put our joint assets in as good as shape as poss when the split happens. I just want to keep the house for the kids if I can but this will mean a massive massive mortgage and I don't know if it will all add up. I will try and figure it out. I am just in that high level of nervous system activation atm (GCSES were awful, I ended up being off work for two weeks to get my daughter through as it became impossible to work and was SO stressful). Obv he did nothing.

At some point you will need to get competent legal advice and I’m afraid £300 an hour is quite normal. Ask people who have divorced for recommendations and talk to a few solicitors on the phone to find someone who is suitable. They don’t have to be local as meetings can be digital.

Your husband will have to declare all his assets via Form E, including his pension.

You can save a lot of expensive solicitor time if you do your homework. Look at Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies and other books, as well as family solicitor websites.

I hope you’ll feel better once you have a plan.

Hi @Captivatingcapybara , you have probably explored this avenue already but if not, invest in a session with a financial advisor. I was in a sticky situation that felt hopeless but I my friend recommended hers and he essentially solved my problem.
It might not be a magic fix but they are pretty good at squeezing blood out of a stone ime.
Do not give up hope.

Just in case anyone is interested in my unexciting life, I seek some legal help yesterday (long and hot meeting!) I am now waiting on more boring admin like further house valuations and pension statements to see what a split would look like financially and whether I realistically could manage the outgoings here and keep the house (so important for DD2). I guess that is progress. It's still pretty shit here to say the least and I know the marriage is done. It's just how to manage, even if not straightaway.

Thanks for the support. I am very done with what feels like being married to a toddler, it's exhausting.

@Captivatingcapybara keep ploughing on to the other side! You’ll get there, just tell yourself ‘it could be worse and this too will pass’ as you grey rock him and work on your better future and happier days. 💐

Thank you, that is such a kind and helpful thing to say.

You have given it everything but we all only have finite energy, mental capacity and time. You need to prioritise who gets your resources - and that’s your DDs - if someone is draining you so that they are not getting the best of you then they have to go. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first to be able to help others. He is getting in the way of you supporting your DDs reach their potential. These years are critical and you can’t build a good transitional child to adult relationships with your DDs if he is draining, disrupting and preoccuping your head space. Get him gone and your life will improve.

Just wanted to post my support and admiration for how you are keeping going in the face of his stonewalling. Is there anywhere he could temporarily move out to - friends or family? The suicide threat means he should take himself away from the DCs.

Well, ND is now counted as a disability, so I don’t suppose he can help how he is.

You’ve either got to try and reach some sort of compromise, or walk away.

Sending you virtual hugs op, I can’t imagine how relentless this is. For what it’s worth I think you are doing the right thing in ending the marriage. Obviously lots of hurdles with your daughter and millstone husband. Is there any chance of going off sick for a few weeks or has that been scuppered by the two weeks off for gcse support?
Remember it won’t always be this bad, it’s horrendous now but you have started the process to slowly climb out. And one day you will be out and life will be different and lighter because your biggest millstone will not be hanging round your neck!
I am so sorry you lost a daughter, how utterly awful. Sending more hugs and 🌻

So much of this resonates with me, my DH was never the best communicator but he put on a good act for the longest time. Gradually he got less and less able to engage with me emotionally and completely lost any interest in intimacy, practical discussions were fine for us. Over time all my love for him just withered away due to his lack of response, I tried talking, shouting, crying and writing things down. I told him he was destroying our marriage but he just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. He went to counselling a couple of times and according to him just spoke about himself and never mentioned our relationship as it was “his” counselling obviously nothing changed. I ended up depressed on anti depressants and had counselling where I talked about our relationship a lot.
Expecting something from him that he was unable / unwilling to give was destroying me so I just stopped expecting it from him.
it not a solution for everyone I know but we still live together, separate bedrooms, we get along fine as housemates we see our kids and grandkids together, do practical things together, I just have family and friends I rely on for emotional support, he doesn’t have anyone for that but that’s up to him. I’ve had some medical issues and he’s been amazing practically while I was recuperating, he’s actually a nice guy who really has my back but just can’t cope emotionally.
Neither of us is interested in finding someone else so it works for us I suppose if one of us, probably would be me, met someone else then it might have to change but it’s worked for years.

I had one of these he refused to communicate and was also so incredibly selfish in the family home we couldn’t live in it in peace.

Divorced him and he now has a new girlfriend who does not know he is autistic. He was diagnosed last year but has now decided that he isn’t autistic at all and told the kids I gaslighted him into thinking he was (no acknowledgement of the two hour interview with an actual psychiatrist).

Hes a massive pain in the arse re: the kids (didn’t bother with them for 2 years after we split and now in full Disney dad mode to impress his girlfriend).

He did not deserve any of the kindness and consideration I showed him over the years, he’s a complete empathy vacuum and I am so glad I got rid. You won’t regret it, op

Also have a DD with ESBA, a newly minted EHCP and just sat GCSEs after online learning so I really do understand, op. Hugs