Teetering on the edge of calling time on the marriage - so hard - DH who cannot communicate

[Captivatingcapybara]

Morning,

I have changed username but I am a longer term poster. My husband is ND and I am so very done. I am at my wits end but finding it so hard to call time on the relationship. Been together for so long and teenage kids. One who is also ND and in a complex situation of online school/tutors/EHCP/PIP applications etc. Obv I do all of this and DH has done none of it. I just cannot do it any more and I am broken by it all. I also work FT in a professional job. Am also the breadwinner (he does work but I earn a lot more).

I have tried talking to him, he literally does not/cannot communicate. I mean he says nothing or I don't know. I have tried begging for help in a carefully worded whatsapp message (even ran it through AI to ensure it was not blaming, clear comms). That was over a month ago and he never replied. I am holding everything together here and struggling more and more in work to balance it all (SEND, other DD and FT job)

I feel like I am kicking a puppy. He does not want to leave but I cannot cope and the resentment of him being here and doing nothing or even responding to my pleas for help has broken me. He will literally say nothing even if I am in tears.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel so unkind but also, this is no fun for anyone? Did you regret splitting?

It is clear that you are done, and justifiably so. Now you need to make sure you get the very best settlement you can. If you are earning much more - and presumably have a much bigger pension - there is a risk of having to give him half.

Can you document everything you do for your daughter - and the fact that he doesn’t nothing? I don’t know how much weight this would carry but hopefully a solicitor can advise.

@Captivatingcapybara If you've told him you can't take any more and that divorce is on the cards, and he is still not acknowledging the situation then you can't do any more. I would start the ball rolling and see a solicitor to find out where you stand financially.

Just because he has always been like that doesn't mean the OP needs to carry on. She is allowed to fall out of love with someone and make decisions accordingly. She is not required to give up her peace and happiness.
If he needs proper medical care, he should seek one.

im kind of in this situation and had a catastrophic breakdown. im trying to tihnk how I would answer you

Honestly, he will not communicate. Like not at all. Like silence. WhatsApp was a last resort when talking (me) and no response (him) was not working. I thought it might give him the space to thjnk without the pressure of a,response. Honestly, I am broken, literally broken. A hair's breath away from being signed off as I am doing it all. He does not care. I have tried. I feel rather despondent resting this response if I am.honest.

Giving you the silent treatment is emotional abuse. There is no excuse or justification for his silent treatment of you in addition to you carrying the can.

Has he been formally diagnosed with any learning or intellectual disability?, if not I’d not be at all hasty in pinning a neurodiverse label on him. Infact he seems to be very much instead a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing.

Oh op, get yourself signed off, you now need to start the ball rolling, he's not listening or responding to you,
so start the divorce process, gov.uk website, he will get an email ' see if he response to that, then you can say to him ' as of now we live separately in this house, I have no more energy emotionally or physically to give, '

It's been a month now and he hasn't once ask you about it, he thinks your managing op, but your not,
You ask for support, you cried and still nothing,

Save you energy op for your children, time to get your ducks in a row op,

I think unfortunately you will have to ditch the dead weight, for your sake and that of your child.
I'm saying this as a person with Asperger's
and a (very) tough upbringing in another country.
Emotions were punished as weakness, so I had to learn them for myself and my darling husband, who is thirty years older. It took me good twenty years. I mean, even if your husband is ND, he is capable of actively supporting you, if he chooses. Shutting down and not communicating is a choice, unless he's nonverbal autistic (I know he isn't).
It's not kicking a puppy, it's very much as a poster said, he's exploiting you and his ND. If you can, practically and emotionally, detach yourself and have a life just with your (two?) kids. ❤️

I think the fact that your DH could do something to develop better ways of communicating and coping with everyday life but will not do so is the dealbreaker. My DS is ND (amongst many other issues incorporating physical health and disability) but he has worked his absolute bloody backside off to develop good social strategies and coping skills. He's a fully functioning adult human being, and now that he has those skills in place he tells me life is beautiful for him. But the hard yards have to be done. If your DH won't do that, it's game over.

@Captivatingcapybara I was in your situation except he was massively passive aggressive to boot.

I cannot tell you how much better life is on the other side, although it takes a long time to begin to recover when you've drained yourself bone dry trying to make it work.

My ex-MiL, who really didn't want us to separate, had the graciousness to say 2 years after that it had clearly been the right decision and we were better parents apart than together.

You are in your own situation, but I can tell you from experience that life is infinitely better when you are not working around and against a stone wall. Infinitely.

Taking the plunge is hard but a deeply unhappy situation like this is no good for you or the children. You can feel compassion for him, but you can also let go.

Oh for any sake - she has tried all you’re suggesting and he refuses to go to the gp or take any responsibility for himself. ‘In sickness and in health’ goes BOTH ways and only applies if you are a practising Christian, it’s not a legal obligation. Let’s not forget the other lines in those marriage vows - promising to LOVE and to CHERISH his wife. Don’t see any of that going on. It’s supposed to be a marriage, not a life sentence.

Being ND doesn't excuse him ignoring, that's no way to treat your wife. I think your life would be easier without him.

Thanks all. And yes, I have tried all the talking, he will not engage. It is like talking to a wall (honestly). Got the house valued today as I thought I might be able to buy him out but I won't be able to. A tad deflated. I cannot sell up now as kids with GCSEs for the next few years (one in very precarious SEND territory). I have to keep things stable. Somewhat demoralised (and just exhausted) this afternoon but we will see. I need to ger DD through the next few months whatever happens.

Thanks for the support btw.

OP - sending support 💐

Not sure if you’ve also seen a solicitor, but if not, it is definitely worth talking through.

There are situations where you can ‘swap’ assets, eg offsetting, where you keep the house and he gets an equivalent share from your pension.

As he does minimal parenting, then he won’t be likely to apply for 50/50 or need a large enough home to accommodate the DC. You may be able to get an order to stay in the house until the youngest turns 18, but you need to talk it over with a solicitor.

surely you just need to start the divorce process

It carrys zero weight. The financial settlement in divorce is a division of assets - has nothing to do with the behaviour horrific / depraved or exemplary / perfect of either partner.

Did you read any of the OPs description of his behaviours?

He has totally checked out of all parenting / family life and has left the OP with all of the emotional and logistical burden of her SEN teens.

His behaviour has deteriorated and he is now mute verbally to her. WA was the last resort - she communicated an ultimatum and a consequence. He ignored this desperate attempt - this action is his response - sounds to be he is happy with the outcome.

The OP has 2 DCs who have challenges and finite emotional time, energy and headspace - she needs to focus all of her finite energy to prioritise their development to adulthood and independence as much she can. DH is a drain and a drag preventing her doing her very best for her DDs.

Are you looking for permission to separate OP? There seems very little reason to stay, you are not getting any support from him so why stay?

@wallaceinAnderland Its hard to leave, I will be the one perceived as breaking up the family as he does not want to. Because I have one DD in a very precarious position SEND GCSE wise that absolutely needs stability of working in our current home. Hard to explain without living it, she is EOTAS. The pressure of a that is immense. I thought I could buy him out but the house was worth more than I can manage (today's valuation). Just very tired today.

Well it's up to you. All I know is that if you don't change anything, nothing will change.

I think that you have come further amd made more progress across this thread than maybe you are aware.

You know your marriage is dead and that you can’t save it. The FOG - fear, obligation and guilt (always the wrong emotions that keep anyone disoriented and trapped in an emotionally unhealthy place) I think you have mostly also worked through (guilt / perception of ‘blame’ from others - or tolerance of it - is your last hurdle).

You know where the exit is - emotionally you are already out the doors - there are a few logistics and timeline issues to be ironed out - but you are on your way.

Keep researching options etc and one day it will all mostly line up and you can push the button.

Whilst you endure this time seek professional support to see you through - best way to structure finances, best way to conserve your emotional energy and best way to detach and become indifferent to a person who effectively is under your roof but doesn’t contribute emotionally or practically. Drop all expectations. Fight fire with fire - mirror his disconnection. But intentionally fill any time with activities and people who fill your soul - so that your emotional pot is filled and sustained.

the burden of this in my marriage amongst other things put me under so much stress I went into psychosis nad I lost everything in my life