DH’s friendship with woman at work is killing our marriage

[Teaandbiscuits123456]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two dc all grown up now. DH has made a very good woman friend at work and although not an affair it is very cosy iykwim. Private jokes, DMs at all hours and weekends, breaks spent in each other’s company.
I told him how this made me feel anxious and upset and his response was that that’s just how it is and he can’t help feeling like he does but insists it is just friendship. That just about broke my heart and has made me question where I figure in his life. They’ve only known each other for 2 years.
Knowing all this I’m worried I’m starting to think I might be falling out of love with him almost as a way of self-preservation if that makes any sense?
All the time they are working together I’m not sure if we can get back what we had even though I wish we could. I just don’t know what to do.

OP I really don’t see how you can go on like this without losing every shred of confidence and self-respect you have. He is chipping away at you and it’s not right. You deserve so much better.

His treatment of you is so disrespectful and there is a good reason she has you blocked on her phone. I think it is highly likely they are having a physical affair. Even in the unlikely event they are not, he is disdainful of your feelings and your relationship.

This will not get better. It will either stay the same or he will eventually leave you. Do you really want that? Both scenarios sound awful.

There is the chance if you leave him he will wake up but you have to be prepared that he will simply go to her. However that is preferable to this perpetual fear and limbo you appear to be living right now.

He is not kind.
He is not special.
He is not who you believed and wish him to be.

There’s been a lot going on with the kids so I’ve carried on as normal because I didn’t want to cause them stress and in some ways things are ok but it’s when something is triggered in my head it all comes back. In some ways I wish I hadn’t lost my anger but it was making me ill.

And although things are ok I feel like I can’t relax and am always going to be on guard for the next thing to happen, like with the tracking thing, he is obviously cares that much about her that he needed to know where she was and that she got home safely, not sure if that is just being a friend or OTT.

Maybe think to yourself can I feel much worse then this? You are in a horrible limbo.
It’s just not right so don’t put up with it.

i can see why he would be cross you’d tried to see if they’d been messaging again but I can see the reason you felt you had to do this. He’s probably angry you don’t seem to trust him but sounds like you have had reason too as he has lied to you about things before. Basically you’re with a man who deletes messages from another woman you are jealous (quite understandably) of and has now changed his password. This does not sound like a man who is showing you that you should be trusting him I’m sorry to say. Trust is earnt and he needs to restore this.

I found a credit card statement (in the days when they were sent through the post) showing money spent at a travel agent. He admitted he had booked a holiday for him and his 'friend' and reluctantly admitted maybe it was now a bit more than friendship, but if this holiday didn't work out for them, then not to worry because me and him could "get back on track". This is all ancient history now, but it was a truly awful time.

And personally I’d be telling her husband about the letter where she is fawning over your husband. What exactly was the point of having to let him know that?! I’m sure his male friends wouldn’t be doing this…
I’d have just about lost it at that point and would be letting her husband know that his wife is sending those kind of messages! How totally hurtful!!
I hope his reaction to you seeing that was he reassured and comforted you.

That letter is way way beyond appropriate! I cannot imagine her husband taking kindly to that. Does your h really not see that? Only reason he wouldn't see it is if he really really doesn't want to IMO.

Jesus! The absolute f🤬🤬 nerve of the man!!

He insists there's nothing in his phone but didn't immediately say here you go, look for yourself? You know you can't keep living like this.

Maybe he’s glad she feels that way about him? Which is even more depressing.
when I explained how seeing that made me feel his response was mainly that I shouldn’t have been spying on him. He sort of shrugged the message off.
and yes, he’s right, but she also shouldn’t be sending those messages to a married man and he should be at the very least ignoring those sorts of messages and not replying to them to carry on the conversation.

I have asked to look before but he refused.

OP, you're just torturing yourself now.

What exactly are you waiting for?

4 months you've been hanging on, hoping he'll realise and sort himself out.

He's done absolutely nothing to give you any reassurance - literally nothing.

You don't need definitive proof, or for him to say it out loud. You can make the decision yourself.

I appreciate it's a big step to take, but at some point you need to prioritise yourself. You need to set a good example to your DCs.

Also, would he be happy to share the letter from her to his mother?

If it's all fine and above board, surely he'd have no problem with that...

Sadly you are married to a man who is in love with another woman. Even if nothing has happened, he is still prioritising her. I bet he doesn’t rush home to send messages to any of his other friends. Personally, I wouldn’t accept being treated as second best like this and would rip the plaster off by separating. You’re so unhappy as things are and I believe that taking some control back, no matter what happens, can only be a good thing in the long run.

How are you meant to “get over it” when the trust is broken and he isn’t doing anything to help rebuild.

Have you suggested marriage counselling? It may help to get a neutral perspective for both of you.

Apart from that you have 2 options.

1. stay and move past it. Ignore that he is choosing another woman over your happiness.
2. leave him. And learn to be happy without him.

He is not a nice man or husband. If he was, would he not make this right?

I think you should do for individual therapy as well. It would be really helpful to you to talk to someone.

You are at that stage / impasse where he refuses to agree with you over the situation. Nothing else will happen now.

Words, pleas, your begging, frustration, trauma are having zero impact. Well actually they are - he is locking down his ‘privacy’ and doubling down on his delusional claims.

All of this is just cutting deeper and hurting you more.

Actions are your next step.

You do have agency. His behaviour isn't acceptable to anyone. You don’t have to blow up your life today or dive in the deep end but you do need to take some steps for your own MH and financial future.

Have you spoken to a close trusted friend or family member IRL? And / or can you or are you looking for online support via groups / info or face to face with a therapist? Do you understand how a divorce process works - it might be good for you to so some research so that you know the timescales / implications etc.

Are you still physically intimate or has this pattern changed over the past year?

I would retreat from your DH emotionally and take care of yourself and protect yourself emotionally. He is knowingly hurting you and doesn’t care for you.

You need to take yourself out of emotional punching distance.

So he's turning it round on you.. He's allowed to be upset that his privacy was invaded, you are not allowed to be upset that he is receiving highly inappropriate communications from a woman who he is clearly exchanging a lot of ott mutual adulation with.

This is what abusers do OP. Police other people 's feelings, and prioritise their own.

There's another thread running about an arsehole who gets aggreived and nasty when his wife leaves something on the table (it proves she doesn't love him apparently) yet won't actually say 'I love you ' to his wife.

He is imposing a similar vetting process on feelings (his: even small annoyances - absolutely valid and a must be priority for the couple; hers: "stop making a fuss, this is just who I am")

So she is sending these messages which he is seemingly fine with, and it’s you he’s annoyed with for discovering their correspondence, not with her for being inappropriate?

And more importantly her sending something which would understandably upset the woman he’s meant to love and look after.

I’m so sorry but I think this says everything you need to know. You’re in a very unfair position.

A little while ago, after I saw him reply to her something which really upset me, and she became aware (only because i had just had enough so tried calling her to confront her out of the blue) she said she would stop the messaging. It was on WhatsApp.
However a few weeks later I then walked in on him messaging her over the weekend and realised they must have been using their work chat to keep in touch out of hours instead.
Just felt totally betrayed after really and it almost felt like they must have been laughing at me and my desperate hopes that the need to keep in touch would reduce.

Sorry to hear this.
can understand your lack of trust completely

I think you know you have to leave him, but you're waiting to hit rock bottom.

You don't have to wait. You already know.

I know I’m a good one to say this as I haven’t followed my own advice or others but as people said to me and on here, he clearly doesn’t want to give her up so you live with it and torture yourself or you leave. Or maybe you can give it one last shot and tell him you can’t live with it anymore and will leave if it doesn’t stop but will you ever be able to relax again and not be constantly worried he is hiding it.

I keep telling myself I’ll leave if there’s anything else but as above he’s still hidden stuff and I’m still here so I know it’s hard. I think it’s hard to separate the person they are to your face when they are being nice and the person they are behind your back on the messages, it’s like 2 different people which I think makes it confusing.

You poor love, but time to smell the coffee, he prefers her to you, really hard to take on board, but, this is only going to get worse for you, so it’s up to you to take control, if he wants her, he can have her, he has to leave and you pick yourself up and get on with a much better, eventually, life with your dignified head held high, you are worth so much more than a life with this apology of a man.

So does he only communicate with her via work messages now? Is he on his phone a lot? How often do you suspect he messages her outside of a work setting?

You know it’s ok to say maybe your friendship is innocent and I’m overreacting but it’s making me miserable and you have the opportunity to stop that and you haven’t. You don’t need to get him to admit what he is doing is wrong because he won’t. But you can say this isn’t the type of relationship I want and it doesn’t make me happy.

If he would rather be with her but he doesn’t want to look like the ‘bad guy’ then let him be free to pursue her and he can take the cowards way out.

If he is genuine that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for her then there should be no doubt what is more important to him. But at the moment he gets both. It’s crunch time — he can’t have an intimate friendship with another woman that hurts you and still have your love and respect.

Honestly don’t know how often they communicate, he is on his phone a lot but he says it’s not to her.
That in itself makes me feel on edge at home. Looking across seeing him staring intently at the phone and wondering if she is telling him right now how life is so wonderful with him in it… it’s so horrible and heartbreaking.