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Original poster

Cheapskate new partner

113 replies

Novembermummy88 · 13/02/2026 20:13

Looking for advice here. I’m recently divorced and have been dating a man who is separated (rents his own place). Him and his ex are divorcing without lawyers and I’m starting to think I shouldn’t trust him / run for the hills. Generally he’s very very affectionate to me, very reliable, messages in day, calls very regularly etc. We get on so well, more than any man I’ve ever met. I’ve spent a lot of time with him at his place.

However we have now been dating 6 months, and whilst I didn’t mind at first due both our personal circumstances at the beginning being recently separated, I’m starting to think he’s a complete cheapskate. He’s never once taken me out to dinner. We’ve been for drinks but it tends to be a drink followed by a walk. Or home made meals at home. I often feel like at best it’s 50/50 split on the rare occasion we have been out for drinks or grabbed a takeaway (only two times). I’m not spoilt and certainly am not expecting fancy restaurants all the time. But with valentines coming up he has once again suggested a home made meal which I have politely declined this time as it’s starting to give “Netflix and chill” vibes.

I am torn as otherwise he is very nice, but the dragging his heels in his divorce, I believe he is trying to protect the large home they still own for their children, and his large pension for himself, is now starting to put me off too.

Are these red flags or am I being spoilt considering our personal current situations? I would really appreciate your thoughts as I am too embarresed by the situation to talk to friends.

OP posts:
TheQueenOfTheNight · 13/02/2026 20:18

It doesn't have to be a case of "who's right, who's wrong?" For whatever reasons, you don't share the same view on this and don't feel able to talk to him. You may both try to change a little, but essentially, at this age you know who you are and what your priorities are. He'd rather spend his money on other things, so that's what he's doing.

Applecup · 13/02/2026 20:26

When you at eat at home do you split the cost or is it assumed you will pay.

Enrichetta · 13/02/2026 20:27

I’m kind of on the fence regarding his not taking you out, but if it seems that he is trying to shaft his wife in the divorce I would be very cautious.

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2026 20:28

I wouldn’t be with a man without doing the whole dating thing at this stage. I want nights out, nice bars, restaurants. Pub lunches, weekends away etc etc - I don’t expect him to pay and I’ll always play fair but I would hate to settle straight into nights on the sofa with Netflix this early.

Didimum · 13/02/2026 20:29

You just don’t align on spending and liking to go out.

Left · 13/02/2026 20:29

He sounds a bit boring tbh.

Fraudornot · 13/02/2026 20:30

What you want him to pay for you? Why?

Fraudornot · 13/02/2026 20:31

Eating out is a total waste of money at the moment

Elixir86 · 13/02/2026 20:32

Have you told him that you'd like to go out more for meals? Are you expecting him to be paying?
I think you need to decide what matters and he is either on the same page as you or not. Open discussion to see if you align.

I like the idea of occasionally being taken out, but in most instances and dates I go halves every time or alternate paying. I think id find it uncomfortable if a bloke was always wanting to pay for me and take me out so I wouldn't align with a guy who wanted to do that all the time.

Coconutter24 · 13/02/2026 20:34

Generally he’s very very affectionate to me, very reliable, messages in day, calls very regularly etc. We get on so well, more than any man I’ve ever met. I’ve spent a lot of time with him at his place

Surely that is all worth more than him paying for your dinner? What’s wrong with the few times you’ve gone 50/50 on takeaways? How many times have you taken him out for a meal?

WhatYouWearing · 13/02/2026 20:34

Well Valentine’s Day is tomorrow OP so maybe you’ll get your answer then! 😊

MrsLizzieDarcy · 13/02/2026 20:37

That's pretty boring to have settled into the "old married couple" routine of staying in and watching TV. I love going out for dinner, and DH and I take turns to pay. It's so dull to cook at home all the time. I'd be very wary OP.

Original poster
Novembermummy88 · 13/02/2026 20:47

Thanks everyone for replying. I’m genuinely not trying to be a spoilt, I am worried him being tight is going to affect long term enjoying days out, holidays etc. The person that wrote about “settling in to Netflix nights already”has maybe summed up what I am trying to say. I don’t “expect” to have meals paid for me but I feel like I’ve gone from one marriage straight into another without at least the odd date night. I’m a bit mortified in telling my friends that he’s not planned anything for valentines despite spending so much time with him recently.

When we eat at home I would say it’s at best 50/50 but I do feel like it pains him to buy anything nice/ expensive to cook, or if I can “swing by” a shop on the way to his... I’ve noticed he’s let his mum buy a large amount of stuff for his new place and does seem to avoid / put off buying things in the hope someone else buys it for him. I met his friends and he let them buy me drinks without him paying for one which I felt bit mortified. I’ve also noticed a pattern of him saying lots of nice places or things he would like to take me to, but nothing ever comes to fruition.

Are these red flags? As I say, he’s genuinely lovely to me outside of these things, but it’s starting to get more and more concerning to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novembermummy88 · 13/02/2026 20:50

Fraudornot · 13/02/2026 20:31

Eating out is a total waste of money at the moment

I think this is genuinely his opinion which is why I had let it slide at first….but it would nice to be treated for valentines, it’s made me feel quite down.

OP posts:
foodlovefood · 13/02/2026 20:53

Why don’t you ask his financial situation. Due to the divorce he may not have much spending money. He maybe too embarrassed to say.

or he just doesn’t see going out as important as you do. I know my DP always treated meals out as special occasions. Preferred drinks out or chill out in front of tv. I did have to say I love eating out. So we do go out for food more. He put the effort in when I said. We do split everything

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 13/02/2026 20:55

Yes, he does sound tight.
I'd be very wary of this man.

There's being careful about money and there's being mean.
Mean people are generally mean emotionally.

Flomingho · 13/02/2026 20:55

For me, If someone can't be bothered to make the effort so early on I wouldn't waste my time. It would make me feel unwanted and taken for granted. I would probably end up resenting them.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 13/02/2026 20:56

Novembermummy88 · 13/02/2026 20:50

I think this is genuinely his opinion which is why I had let it slide at first….but it would nice to be treated for valentines, it’s made me feel quite down.

Show quote history

I'm not surprised.

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2026 20:58

MrsLizzieDarcy · 13/02/2026 20:37

That's pretty boring to have settled into the "old married couple" routine of staying in and watching TV. I love going out for dinner, and DH and I take turns to pay. It's so dull to cook at home all the time. I'd be very wary OP.

I agree. Surely the first few months/years of dating is all about the fun of actual dates. The old married couple on the sofa comes much further down the line imo.

It’s not about expecting a man to pay. It’s about treating each other and doing special stuff together. And nice dates don’t need to be about splashing the cash - it’s about effort

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 13/02/2026 20:58

I echo @MrsLizzieDarcy. You’ve recently divorced so (and apologies if this isn’t correct) are looking for something more than home cooked meals and the odd takeaway. That’s later down the line territory you’ve just got out of. Dating is supposed to be fun where you go out and meet people and go to new places and generally have new experiences before settling down to the meals at home and takeaways- ESPECIALLY after a divorce. It doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page.
I think the difference is you’ve divorced already and he is still entangled with his. That’s two very different places and he may be technically single but that doesn’t make someone available. Divorces are almost always expensive where everyone ends up worse off initially. It takes time to pick yourself back up afterwards just financially, let alone emotionally.
Personally I don’t think he’s where you are; he’s sort of monkey branching from married to what date night in a long term relationship looks like (basically married but without kids under your feet). Sure, he sounds nice enough but if he’s just not doing it for you then he’s just not doing it for you. And these are the early exciting days remember, it rarely gets more exciting the longer you’re together.

Usernamesettings · 13/02/2026 20:59

I met his friends and he let them buy me drinks without him paying for one which I felt bit mortified.

He literally sat and let them buy you both drinks without getting his round? Did you buy them any drinks?

NotMajorTom · 13/02/2026 20:59

Novembermummy88 · 13/02/2026 20:13

Looking for advice here. I’m recently divorced and have been dating a man who is separated (rents his own place). Him and his ex are divorcing without lawyers and I’m starting to think I shouldn’t trust him / run for the hills. Generally he’s very very affectionate to me, very reliable, messages in day, calls very regularly etc. We get on so well, more than any man I’ve ever met. I’ve spent a lot of time with him at his place.

However we have now been dating 6 months, and whilst I didn’t mind at first due both our personal circumstances at the beginning being recently separated, I’m starting to think he’s a complete cheapskate. He’s never once taken me out to dinner. We’ve been for drinks but it tends to be a drink followed by a walk. Or home made meals at home. I often feel like at best it’s 50/50 split on the rare occasion we have been out for drinks or grabbed a takeaway (only two times). I’m not spoilt and certainly am not expecting fancy restaurants all the time. But with valentines coming up he has once again suggested a home made meal which I have politely declined this time as it’s starting to give “Netflix and chill” vibes.

I am torn as otherwise he is very nice, but the dragging his heels in his divorce, I believe he is trying to protect the large home they still own for their children, and his large pension for himself, is now starting to put me off too.

Are these red flags or am I being spoilt considering our personal current situations? I would really appreciate your thoughts as I am too embarresed by the situation to talk to friends.

Have you taken him out for dinner?

Original poster
Novembermummy88 · 13/02/2026 21:03

Usernamesettings · 13/02/2026 20:59

I met his friends and he let them buy me drinks without him paying for one which I felt bit mortified.

He literally sat and let them buy you both drinks without getting his round? Did you buy them any drinks?

Yes I offered but they declined

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 13/02/2026 21:04

He may not have spare money. Does he have children . Cost of living is beyond crazy at the moment

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2026 21:05

Novembermummy88 · 13/02/2026 20:47

Thanks everyone for replying. I’m genuinely not trying to be a spoilt, I am worried him being tight is going to affect long term enjoying days out, holidays etc. The person that wrote about “settling in to Netflix nights already”has maybe summed up what I am trying to say. I don’t “expect” to have meals paid for me but I feel like I’ve gone from one marriage straight into another without at least the odd date night. I’m a bit mortified in telling my friends that he’s not planned anything for valentines despite spending so much time with him recently.

When we eat at home I would say it’s at best 50/50 but I do feel like it pains him to buy anything nice/ expensive to cook, or if I can “swing by” a shop on the way to his... I’ve noticed he’s let his mum buy a large amount of stuff for his new place and does seem to avoid / put off buying things in the hope someone else buys it for him. I met his friends and he let them buy me drinks without him paying for one which I felt bit mortified. I’ve also noticed a pattern of him saying lots of nice places or things he would like to take me to, but nothing ever comes to fruition.

Are these red flags? As I say, he’s genuinely lovely to me outside of these things, but it’s starting to get more and more concerning to me.

Yes I think they are red flags and I’d be mortified if he did that to his friends. That’s awful behaviour. I don’t think i could get past that tbh.