Cheapskate new partner

[Novembermummy88]

Looking for advice here. I’m recently divorced and have been dating a man who is separated (rents his own place). Him and his ex are divorcing without lawyers and I’m starting to think I shouldn’t trust him / run for the hills. Generally he’s very very affectionate to me, very reliable, messages in day, calls very regularly etc. We get on so well, more than any man I’ve ever met. I’ve spent a lot of time with him at his place.

However we have now been dating 6 months, and whilst I didn’t mind at first due both our personal circumstances at the beginning being recently separated, I’m starting to think he’s a complete cheapskate. He’s never once taken me out to dinner. We’ve been for drinks but it tends to be a drink followed by a walk. Or home made meals at home. I often feel like at best it’s 50/50 split on the rare occasion we have been out for drinks or grabbed a takeaway (only two times). I’m not spoilt and certainly am not expecting fancy restaurants all the time. But with valentines coming up he has once again suggested a home made meal which I have politely declined this time as it’s starting to give “Netflix and chill” vibes.

I am torn as otherwise he is very nice, but the dragging his heels in his divorce, I believe he is trying to protect the large home they still own for their children, and his large pension for himself, is now starting to put me off too.

Are these red flags or am I being spoilt considering our personal current situations? I would really appreciate your thoughts as I am too embarresed by the situation to talk to friends.

Yes he has an adult child by another woman (never married and he was young: I get the impression it wasn’t planned) and then two young children with his “ex” wife. He’s a very good dad.

He may not have the money for meals out paying to live alone, paying maintence and may help his adult child with student expenses or whatever x

Wow. His friends bought him rounds, you offered to buy a round, and he didn’t even offer to get his in? That is shocking. You should’ve said something to him about it.

I’ll be honest it doesn’t sound like he’s really ready to be dating yet. You’re further in your journey than he is and it does seem like hrs tried to move on before hrs really in the right headspace.

I get where you’re coming from, it’s a new relationship, you want to get dressed up and go out and have experiences. Not just “ a drink and a walk” and “home cooked food and Netflix.” This would disappoint me in a new relationship too. It’s not about spending loads of money, it’s getting out there and having a nice time together.

There’s nothing more unattractive nor boring than parsimony. I would be dumping him.

Agree with this. Dating means going out on dates!

is that to the op as well? Although I suppose she’s happy for money to be spent, the expectation is that it’s him that’s to do the spending though isn’t it!

And for the man to do all the expense….? How archaically embarrassing!

You can do better than he and he’s not divorced yet. You’re his rebound here and he’s in no position to be dating again.

Run for the hills and as for yourself do not date separated men no matter how nice they appear to be. And how can you say with certainty he is a very good dad if you’ve only known him six months?.

I think I’ve bought him more drinks than him easily if I think about it. He knows he’s on more than double what I’m paid. I’m not trying to be spoilt. I’m being trying to be cautious of someone and not be taken advantage of.

He’ll be moving in next, to save even more aaargh

Not at all. No one has said men should be the ones paying all the time so not sure where you’ve got that idea from.

And you're quite right.

I need to swerve don’t I. Such a shame as he’s actually really lovely to me. Ffs.

He sounds mean.
Esp re his mother and friends.
And you.
Probably everyone.
It's a pattern of behaviour and outlook.
Deep seated.
Don't continue.
You are incompatible.

I agree. There are a million good reasons to avoid dating not even divorced yet men who rush into another relationship before they’ve even signed the divorce papers.

Did you buy drinks for people who bought you drinks? What do you mean he ‘let’ others buy you a drink? I’m just curious about how this was discussed - did he say, ‘yes you can buy her a drink’? That would be very weird to me!!

I think you're right and he's tight, OP. Get rid or you're in for a lifetime of him standing back while others pay - seriously unattractive.

Hmm. Not even divorced yet, two young kids and an older one, no plans to spoil you even occasionally, tight with his mates, his mum has put hand in her pocket to buy him essentials, and he's happy to just "netflix and chill" with you and a meal cooked at home with no fun plans or outings.

You're basically just providing him with free company and sex aren't you, as if you've been married for years and he's stopped making an effort. Yet he's actually still married to someone from else and hasn't EVER wined and dined and enjoyed dating you.

It's not a scenario I'd be embracing to be honest.

Maybe he’s skint because of the divorce.

Yes that’s what I’ve started to realise. I’m glad I declined going to his.

My now dh was like that initially.. And is still tight. It added resentment in time to our relationship.. Wish I had spoken about it at the start...
Suggest a day out with a lunch somewhere this weekend.. His response will tell you what needs doing...

You're just not compatible, and honestly I'd feel the same as you. I'm more than happy with the odd cosy night it, but I also enjoy going to restaurants, weekends away, holidays etc, so I wouldn't be compatible with someone who never wanted to do those things.

No I arrived and they had already been out a while. His friends all politely said let’s get you a drink type of thing. Which I had. I then offered to get some drinks in. He then said let’s head off, which at this time I had already started to be wary of whether he was tight. We then drove home and we got a takeaway which I paid for.