Cheapskate new partner

[Novembermummy88]

Looking for advice here. I’m recently divorced and have been dating a man who is separated (rents his own place). Him and his ex are divorcing without lawyers and I’m starting to think I shouldn’t trust him / run for the hills. Generally he’s very very affectionate to me, very reliable, messages in day, calls very regularly etc. We get on so well, more than any man I’ve ever met. I’ve spent a lot of time with him at his place.

However we have now been dating 6 months, and whilst I didn’t mind at first due both our personal circumstances at the beginning being recently separated, I’m starting to think he’s a complete cheapskate. He’s never once taken me out to dinner. We’ve been for drinks but it tends to be a drink followed by a walk. Or home made meals at home. I often feel like at best it’s 50/50 split on the rare occasion we have been out for drinks or grabbed a takeaway (only two times). I’m not spoilt and certainly am not expecting fancy restaurants all the time. But with valentines coming up he has once again suggested a home made meal which I have politely declined this time as it’s starting to give “Netflix and chill” vibes.

I am torn as otherwise he is very nice, but the dragging his heels in his divorce, I believe he is trying to protect the large home they still own for their children, and his large pension for himself, is now starting to put me off too.

Are these red flags or am I being spoilt considering our personal current situations? I would really appreciate your thoughts as I am too embarresed by the situation to talk to friends.

Did it get better does he treat you now?

We then drove home and we got a takeaway which I paid for

Fuck that!

I'd end this @Novembermummy88

“I am ending our relationship as I realise that I have spent considerably more on drinks/food for you than you have on me despite you earning double my salary. This type of parsimony is not what I’m looking for”.

clear, factual.

Yes I essentially have by declining the dinner at his; I’ve been avoiding going to his for a while due to these concerns. I just wanted to sense check myself on here, as he is lovely to me in regards to being affectionate etc and we do have a lot of chemistry, which is something I really missed in my last relationship.

Sorry OP I agree with the PP who said you’re providing him with sex and company. Plus it seems that you’re paying for the privilege.

Hes so low effort, actually he’s no effort.

He might be a nice man who messaged a lot but he’s really not giving you anything is he?

Loving the word 'parsimony'

Thanks everyone. I feel like the dating world is going to be hard!

It sounds to me that he is very, very low on cash at the moment. He could well be paying the mortgage on the family home, his own rent and child support. All of which are significant expenses. Has he talked about what his situation will be when the divorce is finalised?

In the early days he rang me excited he had got me a gift..
It was people a bottle of Pantene shampoo..
Now it's usually a cake and nothing bigger..

You settle for this and this is what you will get.

It doesn't sound like he's put much effort in to begin with and now he's taking you for granted. You're only 6 months in and he's still married to someone else. This is sex and company and you pay more than your share.

Erm not sure why it wouldn't entertain your head how much a divorce costs etc plus bills plus any maintenance he may pay I would imagine leaves a zero pot..Just because your sorted doesn't mean it's the same for everyone

Yes financially this is my understanding. His “ex” wife only works pt and is refusing to go full time despite both children being in P school. The house they own is a large lovely home but I expect he’s paying the lions share. He also pays towards his adult child who still lives with the mum.

My understanding is they will look to sell the home as the value of it they could both buy smaller separately almos tmortgage free. But I’m getting the impression he’s walking on egg shells to protect his pension etc (he’s not trying to shaft her I do feel confident of that but he doesn’t want to come out with nothing). Which I feel sorry for him but I feel like I could be hanging on for a long time. Plus my concerns in what I’ve said above are just making me very wary.

I agree, he's skint right now and has a lot of financial commitments. That doesn't mean you should accept the current situation...end it.

He sounds like a cocklodger in the making. Beware.

He says they aren’t even using solicitors (I do know people that submitted their own papers etc). But yes I am aware as per my latest post he will have a lot of out goings. Which is why I am in two minds and have started this thread. I am finding it all confusing and disappointing tbh. I just want to move forward in my life one way or another.

What’s the big deal with valentines??
Its just wrap off !!
Id rather eat in that eat out, maybe your partner feels the same
Some people don’t like going to restaurants and eating with people around them

Wow….let me get this right?? You are complaining that a man is cooking for you, taking the time to actually cook something and present it with love!! I think he needs to run a mile, you sound entitled and if truth be told….spoilt!!

Agree. If he’s so financially stretched at the moment - and not yet divorced - he shouldn’t be dating and expecting someone else to pick up the tab.

Oh of course she doesn't!

She's upset because he's a horrible tightwad.

My now husband kept quiete to me about how much of his income vanished to the ex, he would stress things kinda like let's do x y z but I'll have to work x hours overtime ( he was a High earner ). You need to try decipher if you are a rebound expected to pop into comfort zone level of a long relationship or if there is actually financial implications.

Divorce is an uncertain and potentially expensive time. I wouldn't count it as a red flag if someone doesn't have the money to wine and dine. It's a cash strapped time for a lot of people today anyway. If he ticks all the other boxes I would cut him some slack personally.

I would also add chemistry is not a one way system

Urgh this is such a difficult situation. I wonder if you could have an honest chat about it? And say you enjoy socialising, and eating out and going to see music, etc and can he see himself doing all that stuff in the near future? I think you’re right about the divorce dragging on and wonder how realistic his hopes are that he’ll get half the proceeds from the house and keep his pension. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to split the marital assets 50/50. Unless it was a short marriage?

The big deal is this: he has never, not once, suggested going out for lunch or dinner.

So now there's a good excuse - Valentine's Day - the OP thought he might have made an effort.

Agree completley