Cheapskate new partner

[Novembermummy88]

Looking for advice here. I’m recently divorced and have been dating a man who is separated (rents his own place). Him and his ex are divorcing without lawyers and I’m starting to think I shouldn’t trust him / run for the hills. Generally he’s very very affectionate to me, very reliable, messages in day, calls very regularly etc. We get on so well, more than any man I’ve ever met. I’ve spent a lot of time with him at his place.

However we have now been dating 6 months, and whilst I didn’t mind at first due both our personal circumstances at the beginning being recently separated, I’m starting to think he’s a complete cheapskate. He’s never once taken me out to dinner. We’ve been for drinks but it tends to be a drink followed by a walk. Or home made meals at home. I often feel like at best it’s 50/50 split on the rare occasion we have been out for drinks or grabbed a takeaway (only two times). I’m not spoilt and certainly am not expecting fancy restaurants all the time. But with valentines coming up he has once again suggested a home made meal which I have politely declined this time as it’s starting to give “Netflix and chill” vibes.

I am torn as otherwise he is very nice, but the dragging his heels in his divorce, I believe he is trying to protect the large home they still own for their children, and his large pension for himself, is now starting to put me off too.

Are these red flags or am I being spoilt considering our personal current situations? I would really appreciate your thoughts as I am too embarresed by the situation to talk to friends.

It's okay to be low on cash, it's not okay to freeload off everyone else. Fucking parasite 🤮

Imo he shouldn't be getting involved with a new woman when the old one still pulls the purse strings. .

Yes, I think he is not sufficiently un-entangled, to be honest.
I was dating someone at the end of last year and it was kind of the other way around - always going out, and he was always offering to pay for things, always buying me gifts. He would think nothing of paying for dinner what would be a week shopping for me and DC and when I suggested cheaper things to do, there was always some reason why that was not a good idea.
So I can see that it would be nice to just hang out or have a drink and a walk. I wasn’t comfortable with the amount of money this man spent.
But equally, I wouldn’t want to never go out, or be with someone that did not have a financial settlement yet, they are still entangled. I do agree with the posters that say he should not be dating yet.

maybe he's not used to eating out? Maybe you should both arrange a meal out somewhere? Tell him you miss pubs, cafes ..

What will you bring to the relationship financially? in relation to his pension and house, why should he be sharing them with you? You've only been together 6 months and they are historical things unrelated to you.

But with valentines coming up he has once again suggested a home made meal which I have politely declined this time as it’s starting to give “Netflix and chill” vibes.

Just curious really, but when you declined what did he say? Have you chatted to him generally about how you’d like to go out more and avoid “Netflix and chill” territory? I’d feel the same if I were you!

Oh Christ I’m not expecting him to share those things with me.

I was just hoping after 6 months to feel special on Valentine’s Day. Like a pp said, I’m giving him all the comfort of an easy long term gf for free aren’t I whilst he’s married to someone else. I’m making a fool out of myself.

Think I might have to switch on a bit more in the dating world. Wah.

🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
bloody Valentine’s Day!!

Can you just talk to him? I don’t care about Valentine’s Day personally - I’m spending it with an old school friend and her DC and her dementia ridden dad who moved in and DH is seeing friends - but meals out in general are nice. Ask him why? He might just have a good reason. Or not! Just ask.

Then you can make an informed decision. Not just from his reasoning but his manner. Chemistry is not THAT common. And he sounds like he’s trying not to shaft his ex and kids and that is a green flag.

He sent a really short message back. No questions and not heard from him since.

I dated someone like this not long ago. It gave me the ick in the end as this fella was just so tight. It became embarrassing.

Did your dry robe get stuck in your discovery while you were buying Prosecco???

Money issues aside, there's nothing attractive about a still married, low effort, man with young children, going through the beginnings of a divorce.

Being skint wouldn't put me off. Lack of effort, energy or imagination definitely would.

I agree. It’s nothing to do with him not spending money - it’s that he just wants company to watch tv with and sex without putting in any effort.

A mean man won't have a sudden personality change. He's either mean, or as you suspected, could be trying to shaft his wife in the divorce somehow. Neither are attractive characteristics. Why not ask him why he doesn't want to pay for things. The answer will save you a lot of time doing guesswork, and he may even have a genuine reason.

If he's skint, paying rent and I presume mortgage on the house that could explain things. Or.. he's just tight. Have you ever asked him outright? Perhaps suggest take turns on treating each other for a meal and see how he reacts?!

Always staying in would bore me rigid, or just a pint and a walk. Do you guys do anything else? A meal out isn't the most expensive thing in the world imo, doesn't have to be every weekend. Cinema? Theatre? These early days are supposed to be a bit more fun that cooking each other meals most of the time. The early days are the best and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

It feels like he has a secret. Perhaps he’s not being open about finances because he’s embarrassed. I would try and be honest and say something feels a bit off

I don't think there's enough information in what you've said. Who has bought most of the food for your meals in? Who has done most of the cooking? Clearing up? I loathe stinginess, it makes my skin crawl. But a man with three kids, a mortgage, and rent to pay, not wanting to eat out - that's ok for me. Plus, I'd never expect to go to someone's house for dinner without bringing something, and would happily go to a shop on my way to pick up whatever was needed. The drinks in the pub, I can't tell if he was there before you, and you joined them all? Or if you both joined his mates? Doing rounds gets difficult if it's not all the same people, drinking at the same pace, for the same amount of time. If that was a one off, we just can't tell if he's stingy or if he just didn't want another drink, or just couldn't wait to get you into bed!

If youd paid for more than a meal or two out without him returning it, or he was definitely odging his round, I'd say dump him. But it's not clear to me from your posts that that's what's happening.

I don't think your different salaries are that relevant unless you have comparable expenses? If you don't have three kids, you probably have more disposable income than him.

Yeah I'm the same. I want to go out for afew beers and grab a takeaway whilst I'm walking home. Or find nice pub and relax with decent food.
I don't want to be sat in someone's house catching up on coronation Street

I also think things should be 50/50. My last girlfriend was always skint and so going out was hard and it didn't work for me.
Or if he pays for a meal next time its your turn. I may sound tight but as a single person my priority is buying a house and so being careful with money is a must.

As with 99% of these kind of posts (sorry OP!) the real issue here is poor communication.
you’re not telling him your thoughts or needs and by the sounds of it he’s probably embarrassed to be open that he’s strapped for cash right now.
TALK TO HIM about what’s going on, not in a ‘you’re doing all this stuff wrong’ more a check in, be vulnerable enough with him to say you were kind of hoping to go out on Valentine’s Day, be cautious though because he’s actually made more effort than you already by offering to host and cook for you, what did you bring?

He’s got no business dating when he’s still financially tangled with another woman tbh…that reason alone should be a reason to end it.

Way too much baggage and a tightarse into the bargain. Nope.

As someone else said, there is no right or wrong answer here, but personally? This would “give me the ick”.

I agree with you OP this stage should be about creating fun memories. None of this needs to be about anything expensive but he isn’t making an effort and you are rightly picking this up…not a good sign at all

Whether he’s mean or skint, he won’t change.

DCx3 will need supporting for years - as will the exes - and you’re paying the entire bill for relationship no3.

Your boyfriend’s too expensive.