Cheapskate new partner

[Novembermummy88]

Looking for advice here. I’m recently divorced and have been dating a man who is separated (rents his own place). Him and his ex are divorcing without lawyers and I’m starting to think I shouldn’t trust him / run for the hills. Generally he’s very very affectionate to me, very reliable, messages in day, calls very regularly etc. We get on so well, more than any man I’ve ever met. I’ve spent a lot of time with him at his place.

However we have now been dating 6 months, and whilst I didn’t mind at first due both our personal circumstances at the beginning being recently separated, I’m starting to think he’s a complete cheapskate. He’s never once taken me out to dinner. We’ve been for drinks but it tends to be a drink followed by a walk. Or home made meals at home. I often feel like at best it’s 50/50 split on the rare occasion we have been out for drinks or grabbed a takeaway (only two times). I’m not spoilt and certainly am not expecting fancy restaurants all the time. But with valentines coming up he has once again suggested a home made meal which I have politely declined this time as it’s starting to give “Netflix and chill” vibes.

I am torn as otherwise he is very nice, but the dragging his heels in his divorce, I believe he is trying to protect the large home they still own for their children, and his large pension for himself, is now starting to put me off too.

Are these red flags or am I being spoilt considering our personal current situations? I would really appreciate your thoughts as I am too embarresed by the situation to talk to friends.

I think if you are not going out to occasional restaurents even on special offer nights ( it does not have to be Valentines day! ) You are setting the standard or allowing that standard to be set....if he has no dependents then the constant money awareness has to be relinquished on his side even if he started to talk or discuss the price of the restaurent it would give a person the feeling the money is priority not the person sitting opposite. That feeling of discomfort is alerting you so use it.

Has he introduced you to his friends and family? I ask as I wonder if the reason he doesn’t take you out is not about money!

Yes, I was coming back to this thread to say maybe it is because he does not want to be seen out and about with a new girlfriend when his divorce is not settled.

I agree with this, however there could be good reasons why he just doesn’t have the money to spend; rent on his own place, mortgage on the family home, 3 children to keep all adds up, and no you aren’t wrong to want to be treated, but he sounds like a decent bloke otherwise so don’t be so quick to dump him just because of Mumsnet comments.

6 months isn’t a long time , and I see the younger children are at private school so another large expense.
All things considered I’d stick with him for the moment, and be aware that he might be really strapped for disposable cash.

Just have a frank conversation with him. Tell him what you’ve said here. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

He’s still paying for his adult child that he doesn’t need to. That’s a green flag. Presumably his relationship with his ex is amicable if they are managing to divorce without solicitors. Another green flag.

Yes he’s probably short on cash and trying to save money, but maybe if he realises you want to go out, out and it’s important to you, then he might enable that. You won’t know until you are frank with him.

6 months in is a short time to ask about finances, but looking at what he’s paying out at present, rent, one adult DC, 2 DC at private school, ex still in marital house only working part time, so he’s probably still paying mortgage, it’s not hard to see that even if he earns a fortune, there isn’t going to be a lot of money left for extras. Whilst saying this, I would want to know, going forward what will your relationship be like once divorce/financials are settled. Dating is hard work finding someone you really like, but if this is really bothering you, then end it.

It sounds like he has lots of outgoings. He's supporting 3 children ( two in private school!) and two homes. So he probably hasn't got much cash at all at the moment. Some people can feel.bad about not having any money so kind of try to ride it out. But you'll never know unless you ask him.

'Declining' spending Valentines Day with him without saying why is not very nice. If I were him I'd feel very confused by that. I think you owe him an explanation.

You really do need to discuss this with him. I think maybe you also need to explore your own feelings about money as you feel too ashamed to talk to ( presumably good) friends about this. What are you ashamed of?

No. Just no. I'd have no respect for the man after that.

I think you need to read between the lines,OP.

I know that during my divorce I was pretty skint and accepted help ( financial too) from my mum. Eating out would have been a no no and it’s just as well I didn’t have a new partner because it would have been dating on the cheap.

His pride stops him from telling you he’s struggling and I do feel sorry for him that you declined valentines at his without proper explanation.

Fair enough, if this is not what you want then end it with him, but if he’s really a lovely person, as you say, suffering hard times and who will likely bounce back ( as I did), then you’ll be missing out longer term.

I agree.

Was expecting this thread to be "I pay for everything, he never pays", but the majority of seems to be "we pay 50/50 and I think he should be spending a lot more on me".

Also why the obsession with Valentine's Day? All the prices are jacked up! Go out tomorrow instead!

She didn’t mention the man paying once 🙄

I can’t tell if you’re a raving man pleaser or a male with an axe to grind, but why make stuff up?!