Can there be friendship between a man and a woman?

[Pciuc]

I am a woman and my other half has a friend (single woman) who he has introduced me to at the beginning of our relationship. He has been very open and assured me that nothing ever happened and there would never be anything there as they are not attracted to each other.
I do not have male friends and never encoutered something like this in past relationships.
I do not want him to stop seeing her, I trust him but I do not want to be around, I want him to continue the friendship but far from my sight( avoident I know, but just because I am fearful of misreading something or getting hurt).
What does everyone things? Can there be a friendship between a man and a woman?
How can I explain to him the fact that I do not mind him seeing her but I do not want to be there without sounding crazy?

Indeed.

@brightpinkchoc oh yeah definitely some of that too. That happens with men and women, friendships fall by the wayside. Fact of life. But have also been directly told 'we can't be friends anymore because X is uncomfortable and I'm choosing my relationship'. Which is still the friends choice, but the partner feeling uncomfortable was the catalyst for it more than once.

I would find that deeply bizarre in a person of either sex, ending a friendship with someone of either sex because they needed to concentrate all their psychological resources on a spouse and/or children.

I mean, I get that some Mners are very low-energy and have almost zero social capacity, preferring to come in from work and put on their pyjamas, and arbitrarily declaring the weekends as dedicated solely to 'family time'.

But most people don't have such a tiny bandwidth that they can only handle a relationship with a single adult, their spouse or partner. And I'd go so far as to say that, if you are really incapable of maintaining some friendships while being married, it's something you should work on changing, as it's deeply unhealthy, for your marriage as well as you.

I totally agree with the second paragraph. My sister has a handyman that does any work she wants for free, because hes hoping to sleep with her. He tells her regularly, she has no intention of having sex with him but he doesn't know that. He also has a wife. Its a very strange world.

Perhaps as it is more than one person then it possibly reflects on the nature of your friendship with these people? Perhaps there was something that yes they didn't feel comfortable with.

It's different people's choices and preferences and I think you are being dismissive even insulting of others choosing to do that because it doesn't fit in with your line of thinking.

@brightpinkchoc again, you may be right. And in some circumstances they married a deeply insecure person who systematically distanced them from any/all people of the opposite gender. You see it on here ALL the time people. Usually from women though not always. So I won't be spending any time thinking it was in any way about me or carrying that weight as it is fundamentally a them issue. I stepped away graciously, respected their choices, didn't cause any fuss, but call a spade a spade.

Certainly it's their choice. I'm just pointing out that it's a crap one.

@justaskmeit's not about blame here but there is that saying about when the same problem happens over and over....

But by laying into people which doesn't bring anything at all to your POV. In fact it negates it.

Indeed. And the clear pattern from people posting in this thread is that men and women can be friends with no issue whatsoever. So if people have constantly experienced problems in this area then perhaps they need to look at what is common to those problems.

I think you meant to tag @justaskme as she is the one who mentioned having this issue.

My post was in reply to yours, agreeing with you about "that saying about when the same problem happens over and over...."

I used to think of course they can. Of course don’t be daft.

Then several things happened to me a completely platonic male friend (seemed asexual to be honest) they had been friends just friends through all my university and post university life. My marriage broke up and he came to put a gate in a side passageway for me I was vulnerable and upset with young children. I think I said how lucky I was to have him as a friend. And he said actually I have been wanting to say something for 20 years. I love you and want to marry you. I was stunned totally stunned and upset. Literally my ex husband had left after physical violence. I said I’m really sorry but I don’t think of you like that and never had. At the time I was financially in the shit and he offered to clear the mortgage buy our the ex and gift me the house (he was wealthy) as long as I agreed to marry him within 24 months. Honestly I was stunned totally and blindsided. I said no. He left and never spoke to me again never 🤬 I couldn’t believe it.

I was telling another male friend 6 months later what had happened and he said I told him to wait - that’s what I did with Helen. Nasty husband and I made myself the model friend helping with children etc. I made him look jealous etc and they broke up but I gave it a year before I moved on her. I nearly vomited. Literally these were wealthy men aged 40 and it’s like they had seen us grow up and have children and then wanted a family and decided I like her a the kids an we have shared history.

In so many cases I have seen married women with children break up with a dick of a husband and 12-24 months later (she’s been left so very vulernable) and their helpful single male friend swoops in. For me, 3 suddenly had single male attentive neighbours, for two it was their line manager at work and so on…..

Thats exactly what happened with my sister. She had got herself in a mess we didnt know about and he literally "saved her" We are very grateful for the work he did, and very luckily she didnt have sex with him for payment which he'd asked. We found out all the details after. Ive considered hiring him, is that wrong? 😅

Please tell me what I’m doing wrong when I ask how a friend’s day at his first job has gone and he replies with a dick pic.
How I offer a lift to a male colleague/ friend and he tells me how he’s always wanted to get me alone in a confined space.
How I meet a male friend for after work drinks and he whispers in my ear how “fuckable” I look.
How I go to the cinemas with a friend and he puts his hand on the top of my thigh.

Just some of the lovely encounters I’ve had with male friends…

Tell me where I went wrong. Tell me how I’m the problem here.

I didn't say that you were the problem. Read what I wrote again.

Yes I can relate, some play the long game. I had a male friend who was really offended I didn’t fancy him. I said we’ve been friends 10 years, I just don’t think of you like that! It’s never been the same since. The fragile male ego

You're making friends with assholes. Make better friendship choices.

And how do I know if they’re arseholes before I make friends with them?

I've had this plenty of times, transpired they all would have done something given the chance!

Interestingly, I have very few male friends now I'm middle aged!

I think women can, in answer to the OPs question, men, not so much.

100% yes - they can be just friends!
From the age of 18-30 I had the best male friend. We often stayed round each other's house and went away together and we never so much as kissed. I did not fancy him at all. Just distance and life got in the way but we are back in touch and I went to spend a weekend with him recently. Nothing happened as I knew it wouldn't!

Mmmmm. It must be possible. The responses on here indicate that many people have successful and entirely platonic opposite sex friendships. But my own personal feelings on it are that it it would make me uneasy unless in some specific circumstances. Maybe if they were lifelong friends, or if the friendship was tied to a particularly hobby/interest, or the socialising was taking place in a group. If my husband made a female friend now that he met in a pub or somewhere and they started going out together for coffee I would find that a lot more uncomfortable than if he’d known her for years.
My own experiences might be skewing my answer. I had a boyfriend in my twenties who always had female friends and I could never figure out if he was a serial flirt or whether they genuinely were just good friends. It certainly seemed like flirting to me and he seemed to get a kick out of making me jealous. He became close friends with my cousin and was always adamant that it was just platonic, just like with his other female friends. So platonic he wrote a song in which he professed his love for ‘us both’ and I found the lyrics in his bedroom. He freely admitted he had developed feelings for her. Believe it or not my self esteem was so low I didn’t run for the hills right then. As far as I know nothing happened between them and our relationship limped on for a while but my trust was destroyed and I could never trust in his female friendships again.

It doesnt matter what the issue was. We are straying off topic here.
The point is, it is possible to have a female best friend that is purely platonic.
We've been friends for 40 years.
I will say this. Without her introducing me to my wife 20 years ago we wouldn't have the life we have or our children. She has always been there for good times and bad along with her husband. Just as we have always been there for them too.
If your suggesting it may have not been appropriate to talk about our marriage issue with her. I can tell you it was entirely appropriate and had a big impact on keeping our heads level and allowing us to work through the issue to get where we are now. My wife and her husband knows it is not possible for either of us to keep anything from the other. We always see through each other's masks when things are not so good.

@AnonymouseDad I don't agree that this is off topic. If it was a marriage issue then imo it should be discussed with your wife - isn't this what we hear about? Communication? Obviously your wife must be happy to have you discuss marriage issues with another woman. It wouldn't be for everyone though.