How do I move on if ex is still in contact with family member?

Beyondbroken · 2026-02-08T20:47:46+00:00

My husband of 10 years ended our marriage last month. He’s left me heartbroken. He had a personality change, became secretive and after months of me clinging on with hope of fixing things, he finished it. My family are deeply affected by it all. They were so convinced we’d work it out. We’ve always been so happy and my family adored him. But it’s over and I’m trying to put on a brave face for the sake of my family and also to not make my husband think I’m not coping. I’m really not but I can’t keep getting told to stop crying and get on with life as it hurts. The issue I have is my husband has all of a sudden got closer to my brother in law (sisters husband). They’d never go out unless we went out all together and now they’re seeing a lot of eachother and by the sounds of it in constant contact. The rest of my family, as much as they’re hurting are supporting me and have not been in contact with him. He said some really nasty things about them which I haven’t repeated to them as I know they’d be really upset. How do I move on when I know he will always have ties to my family and know what I’m up to? I love him so so much so keep thinking being friends with him will be too painful. I’m trying to be civil with him at the moment simply because I know that soon I will no longer see him or speak to him so trying to enjoy the time I have left with him (sounds like he’s dying but that’s how it feels 😢) I think moving away may be the answer even though it terrifies me as I’ve never lived alone and I’ve always been close to my family. But I can’t stop my husband seeing my brother in law so I guess it’s down to me to work out what will help me even if that does mean pretty much losing my whole family 😞 I’m so stuck!

shimasu · 08/02/2026 21:13

You do you and don't give them a second thought. They don't exist except in your mind.

Coconutter24 · 08/02/2026 21:25

Carry on with your life and tell your BIL you don’t want to hear about what he’s up to and that you don’t really want him to talk about you with ex

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 21:31

Coconutter24 · 08/02/2026 21:25

Carry on with your life and tell your BIL you don’t want to hear about what he’s up to and that you don’t really want him to talk about you with ex

I can but that doesn’t mean he won’t 😞
I just feel him remaining in contact with him has put a huge wedge between me and my family. My husband just has a way of getting what he wants which in all honesty, fair play that he’s ambitious but I just wish he’d understand that he’s already chosen to hurt me and by not letting me keep my family separate, he’s hurting me even more by making me feel like I’ve got no one to turn to

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Brefugee · 08/02/2026 21:34

so tell your family what your ex said about them and leave the ball in their court.

You don't have to see your BIL if you can avoid it, and if you do have to see him you don't have to talk to him, or if you do you can "talk to the hand" if he mentions your ex.

Be firm on this, especially with your parents and sister.

good luck

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 22:01

Brefugee · 08/02/2026 21:34

so tell your family what your ex said about them and leave the ball in their court.

You don't have to see your BIL if you can avoid it, and if you do have to see him you don't have to talk to him, or if you do you can "talk to the hand" if he mentions your ex.

Be firm on this, especially with your parents and sister.

good luck

It was my parents he said nasty things about and they’re not talking to him anyway as they’ve seen the destruction he’s caused.
I will feel awkward seeing my brother in law. We were all so close and this has totally broken me.
I just know that no matter what I do with my life now, my husband will always get whatever information he wants. He’ll know when I’m on holiday, he’ll know what I get up to for my birthdays, he’ll know if I’m seeing someone else (highly unlikely that will happen), he’ll know about family events, he’ll know of any family illnesses, he’ll know about whatever he wants to know about. And with everything that’s happened, I don’t want him to know anything but I know he will get fed everything. I feel like I just want to start again somewhere else and it absolutely pains me to say it but I think I may have to detach from my family a bit so my life doesn’t get fed back to my ex. The guy who decided that despite having a happy marriage, I clearly wasn't enough

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AlohaRose · 08/02/2026 22:45

But what do the rest of your family think about your ex suddenly becoming friends with your BIL? Is this your sister‘s husband? Surely she is not in touch with your ex and must think the new friendship is a strange one?

RunningforSam · 08/02/2026 22:51

I suggest you speak to your STBEx and tell him that you think a clean break is the best way forward and you’d like him to respect that by stepping away from your family and moving on.

Then, move on yourself and let go. It’s over and you need to grieve and get over him. Humans are able to move on. It will be painful, and will take a while but you will get over him.

There really isn’t any harm in knowing that you are sad and hurting. It’s more important for him to know that you have dropped the rope that tied you to him and you won’t be picking it up again (and you to mean that).

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 23:00

AlohaRose · 08/02/2026 22:45

But what do the rest of your family think about your ex suddenly becoming friends with your BIL? Is this your sister‘s husband? Surely she is not in touch with your ex and must think the new friendship is a strange one?

My parents are against it. They don’t know why my BIL has been lured in by my husband.
My sister is unbelievably disappointed in her husband but she can’t do anything to stop him seeing him 😞

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Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 23:04

RunningforSam · 08/02/2026 22:51

I suggest you speak to your STBEx and tell him that you think a clean break is the best way forward and you’d like him to respect that by stepping away from your family and moving on.

Then, move on yourself and let go. It’s over and you need to grieve and get over him. Humans are able to move on. It will be painful, and will take a while but you will get over him.

There really isn’t any harm in knowing that you are sad and hurting. It’s more important for him to know that you have dropped the rope that tied you to him and you won’t be picking it up again (and you to mean that).

This is what I want!
The pain of losing him is intense but he’s making it harder by keeping a relationship with my BIL.
He won’t agree to not seeing him anymore though. He likes to get exactly what he wants no matter what harm it’s going to cause others.
So I do feel like moving on is going to be such a huge challenge for me

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AlohaRose · 08/02/2026 23:11

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 23:00

My parents are against it. They don’t know why my BIL has been lured in by my husband.
My sister is unbelievably disappointed in her husband but she can’t do anything to stop him seeing him 😞

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What an arse of a man your ex is. Hopefully he may tire of the friendship with your BIL and move on. Otherwise he’s going to create a really difficult situation between your sister and her husband where will feel torn between you and him. Presumably your parents would be reluctant to have him at family events as well if they think everything is going to be reported back to your ex.

Endofyear · 08/02/2026 23:16

OP I think you are overthinking this. Your parents and sister are there for you, you don't always have to put on a brave face. Your BIL is being a dickhead but I doubt he and your ex spend a lot of time talking about you. Let them have their little boys club, they're pathetic. And if ex knows if you've been on holiday or what's going on with your family, so what? He will move on with his life and won't be interested anyway. You will move on with your life and what he thinks or knows won't be important to you any more. Just give yourself time. Your ex sounds like an arsehole, so you are better off without him. You will be ok, I promise - in time you will look back and wonder what you saw in him 💐

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 23:21

AlohaRose · 08/02/2026 23:11

What an arse of a man your ex is. Hopefully he may tire of the friendship with your BIL and move on. Otherwise he’s going to create a really difficult situation between your sister and her husband where will feel torn between you and him. Presumably your parents would be reluctant to have him at family events as well if they think everything is going to be reported back to your ex.

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I think my parents are wary of my BIL now and what they say.
It’s horrible for them though. Especially my Dad as his son in laws were good friends to him and he’s kind of lost them both.
I really hope my sister and BIL don’t start having problems because of my husband and I hope my BIL does start to see the wedge he’s causing.
I am feeling so low.

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SheRa · 08/02/2026 23:21

I told my family that I needed them to support me in my split & that meant choosing. I still had contact with EXH due to child care arrangements but it was much better for both of us to move on & not know what was going on in each others lives (& therefore better for my child). They were a bit sad but respected that he had his family for support & I had mine.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 08/02/2026 23:23

girl, you can’t ask him not to speak to your ex

just see it as a sign that you aren’t all that close and don’t speak about your ex with him x

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 23:26

SheRa · 08/02/2026 23:21

I told my family that I needed them to support me in my split & that meant choosing. I still had contact with EXH due to child care arrangements but it was much better for both of us to move on & not know what was going on in each others lives (& therefore better for my child). They were a bit sad but respected that he had his family for support & I had mine.

I wish it was this simple but I don’t think I’ll be able to stop them 😞
I just haven’t had a say in any of this. I’m just expected to move on and get over it which is unbelievably hard

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Candlestickinthediningroom · 08/02/2026 23:32

Honestly...it's only been a month and I appreciate that this is all very raw and painful. But to be blunt, talking about distancing yourself from your parents and family so that your ex doesn't know if you go on holiday is irrational. You want him to lose access to "your side" as a punishment for him not wanting to be with you. That's understandable. But you will only be punishing yourself by cutting people off or running away. And you would be giving him the idea that he's so incredibly unforgettable and wonderful that you would rather lose everything than be reminded of him.

Honestly, just let him...let him be pals with your BIL....let him ask about you....who cares? Lick your wounds, heal and live a fucking amazing life....give them something to talk about.

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 09/02/2026 00:06

Endofyear · 08/02/2026 23:16

OP I think you are overthinking this. Your parents and sister are there for you, you don't always have to put on a brave face. Your BIL is being a dickhead but I doubt he and your ex spend a lot of time talking about you. Let them have their little boys club, they're pathetic. And if ex knows if you've been on holiday or what's going on with your family, so what? He will move on with his life and won't be interested anyway. You will move on with your life and what he thinks or knows won't be important to you any more. Just give yourself time. Your ex sounds like an arsehole, so you are better off without him. You will be ok, I promise - in time you will look back and wonder what you saw in him 💐

Thank you 🙏
I wish I’d hurry up and feel that way. He’s moved on so quickly after 17 years together but I feel so overwhelmed by it all.
I just wish it was so much more simple but I’m grieving the loss of my husband, my in laws, my BIL and the close relationship I had with my family.
I never thought that I’d feel this low and alone. I’m just grateful that I’ve got some amazing friends who have been a great support

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SallyDraperGetInHere · 09/02/2026 00:18

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 23:00

My parents are against it. They don’t know why my BIL has been lured in by my husband.
My sister is unbelievably disappointed in her husband but she can’t do anything to stop him seeing him 😞

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Well, your sister can do something. She can say to her husband that it’s incredibly hurtful to you, and that your privacy and protection are paramount.

RunningforSam · 09/02/2026 08:24

I think I’m missing some nuance. It reads as if your family are all in your corner and have distanced themselves from your STBExH, with the exception of your BIL.

You seem to be feeling like you are responsible or liable for the hurt/ impact this has had on your family. However, the situation as described by you is not of your making. Any issues that arise between your BIL, your sister and the wider family is not of your making. Only you BIL is responsible for this. You ex, now ex communicated from your family, can do what he likes in terms of bids for interaction with your remaining family - whether they respond is on them, as are corresponding consequences.

When couple split up, the ripple effects on wider relationship can be devastating. The ‘uncoupling’ can be widespread and difficult to bear.

It’s ok to mourn and feel sad and angry. What’s important is to keep a level head and not let the feelings pervert your thinking so think you have lost, or need to lose, the close relationship you have with your family.

SlightlyUnexpected · 09/02/2026 08:36

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 22:01

It was my parents he said nasty things about and they’re not talking to him anyway as they’ve seen the destruction he’s caused.
I will feel awkward seeing my brother in law. We were all so close and this has totally broken me.
I just know that no matter what I do with my life now, my husband will always get whatever information he wants. He’ll know when I’m on holiday, he’ll know what I get up to for my birthdays, he’ll know if I’m seeing someone else (highly unlikely that will happen), he’ll know about family events, he’ll know of any family illnesses, he’ll know about whatever he wants to know about. And with everything that’s happened, I don’t want him to know anything but I know he will get fed everything. I feel like I just want to start again somewhere else and it absolutely pains me to say it but I think I may have to detach from my family a bit so my life doesn’t get fed back to my ex. The guy who decided that despite having a happy marriage, I clearly wasn't enough

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You’re massively catastrophising, OP. For all you know, this new friendship is a temporary blip, and, even if it continues, I’d be very surprised if your BIL and your ex spent their time exchanging information about your holiday plans or relationship status. And it has nothing to do with your parents, or other family members, anyway. You sound hurt and angry, and as if you want to punish your entire family for not cutting off contact with your ex, when only one person remains in touch with him. Focus on yourself, have some therapy where you can offload safely about your anger, and lean into your own friendships.

SlightlyUnexpected · 09/02/2026 08:37

And good post from @RunningforSam.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/02/2026 08:46

I expect your ex is doing this on purpose. I’d probably point that out to BIL, that he is being used as a pawn.

It’s hard, you’re hurting. You’ll feel better about it each day. Look after yourself. Make plans to do nice things. Book a holiday. Do nice things to cheer you up. You will be ok. And I think your ex will move on from your BIL.

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 09/02/2026 08:58

SlightlyUnexpected · 09/02/2026 08:36

You’re massively catastrophising, OP. For all you know, this new friendship is a temporary blip, and, even if it continues, I’d be very surprised if your BIL and your ex spent their time exchanging information about your holiday plans or relationship status. And it has nothing to do with your parents, or other family members, anyway. You sound hurt and angry, and as if you want to punish your entire family for not cutting off contact with your ex, when only one person remains in touch with him. Focus on yourself, have some therapy where you can offload safely about your anger, and lean into your own friendships.

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That’s the thing. I really don’t want to punish anyone but I’m so stuck with what to do.
My husband has hurt me so badly.
It’s even the memories round here that I’m still struggling with which is another reason for a fresh start.
Obviously I don’t want to hurt my family. They’re hurting enough at the moment. I just feel very confused as to how to get through this.
I am currently having therapy which I’m grateful for. I do take a lot on board and it does help. But when I’m alone and I try and think practically about the future, all I can think of is having a total fresh start and I just don’t know how I have that with that constant connection and the memories.

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Endofyear · 09/02/2026 09:05

Beyondbroken · 09/02/2026 00:06

Thank you 🙏
I wish I’d hurry up and feel that way. He’s moved on so quickly after 17 years together but I feel so overwhelmed by it all.
I just wish it was so much more simple but I’m grieving the loss of my husband, my in laws, my BIL and the close relationship I had with my family.
I never thought that I’d feel this low and alone. I’m just grateful that I’ve got some amazing friends who have been a great support

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It takes time but you will get there. I don't understand why you would allow him to affect your close relationship with your family? It sounds like your parents and sister are very supportive and it's only BIL who is being a twat. Don't distance yourself from your loving family - that is giving the ex way too much power.

Starlight1979 · 09/02/2026 09:06

I just know that no matter what I do with my life now, my husband will always get whatever information he wants. He’ll know when I’m on holiday, he’ll know what I get up to for my birthdays, he’ll know if I’m seeing someone else

And?!?! Who cares?! Just get on with your life and forget about him. And if you do meet someone else and he finds out then even better! How do you think it is for couples who share children or live in the same village / area, have the same hobby etc...

I think moving away is massively catastrophising things and probably just the head space you are in at the moment but in time it won't be as raw and you will be able to see a bit clearer.