How do I move on if ex is still in contact with family member?

[Beyondbroken]

My husband of 10 years ended our marriage last month. He’s left me heartbroken. He had a personality change, became secretive and after months of me clinging on with hope of fixing things, he finished it. My family are deeply affected by it all. They were so convinced we’d work it out. We’ve always been so happy and my family adored him. But it’s over and I’m trying to put on a brave face for the sake of my family and also to not make my husband think I’m not coping. I’m really not but I can’t keep getting told to stop crying and get on with life as it hurts. The issue I have is my husband has all of a sudden got closer to my brother in law (sisters husband). They’d never go out unless we went out all together and now they’re seeing a lot of eachother and by the sounds of it in constant contact. The rest of my family, as much as they’re hurting are supporting me and have not been in contact with him. He said some really nasty things about them which I haven’t repeated to them as I know they’d be really upset. How do I move on when I know he will always have ties to my family and know what I’m up to? I love him so so much so keep thinking being friends with him will be too painful. I’m trying to be civil with him at the moment simply because I know that soon I will no longer see him or speak to him so trying to enjoy the time I have left with him (sounds like he’s dying but that’s how it feels 😢) I think moving away may be the answer even though it terrifies me as I’ve never lived alone and I’ve always been close to my family. But I can’t stop my husband seeing my brother in law so I guess it’s down to me to work out what will help me even if that does mean pretty much losing my whole family 😞 I’m so stuck!

I get that you’re hurting, @Beyondbroken, but it’s your choice to lose the closeness with your own family. It sounds as if your entirely family is sticking by you. Why would you let your BIL choosing to socialise with your ex destroy family closeness at a time when you clearly need it?

And there may well be people in your ex’s family who are heartbroken for you and miss being in touch with you, but aren’t contacting you in case they make you feel worse, or because this is something they can’t help with?

Someone that does want to stick the knife in or mess with you through a relationship with your BIL is not someone that is a good person to be with, try and hold on to that.

Don't step away from your family. Then he's won in a way.

I'd have a discussion with parents, sister and BIL and ask them to respect your privacy and not discuss your life in any detail with your ex (probably only a danger of BIL doing this, but if it's a family discussion he'll feel less "picked on"). Tell BIL that you love him, but will be blocking him from all your social media while he continues his friendship with your ex, so that you can protect your privacy as much as possible and nothing will be shared by accident. Separately, ask your parents and sister not to share any personal details about your life with BIL. I know that may be awkward for them, but they'll have to get used to not talking about anything you're doing in his presence. This can all be done amicably if people can see you're doing it for the right reasons.

Thanks for this 🙂
That’s probably a good idea. I don’t want my BIL to think I hate him because of this because I don’t. I’m upset that he’s entertaining what my husband wants as they’ve never had this super close relationship before but I know I have no control over that.
I just want to be able to keep myself to myself and I don’t want a constant reminder of what I’ve been going through.

OP you do realize that millions of women are in your shoes right now, except it's the children they share with their ex partners who perpetuate the bond rather than a Bil?
Honestly, I hope you get over this soon.

you are too nice, OP. In your shoes - and i can see we are VERY different people - i would be asking my BIL if he was getting tips on how to be an awful husband from my ex, because otherwise i couldn't imagine why he would want to be so pally with a homewrecker.

But all through your posts, you seem to want or expect your EX to consider your feelings. You need to get over that - he doesn't care or he actively wants to bug you by being friendly with BIL.

Your dad and Uncle are doing the right thing by shunning the trip, maybe that will wake BIL up to what he's losing, maybe not. You need to look forward, hold your head up and if anyone mentions Ex? "who? oh him. no thank you"

It’s very early days and you’re catastrophising.

Do you think that you might be hurt that you don’t have BILs blind loyalty rather than the potential your ex knows where you are going on holiday. I would be quite hurt if I found out my siblings or SIL were in touch with my ex. If your ex is using this friendship as a way of spying on you, your BIL will soon wise up.
And as time moves on, you will find yourself thinking about him and caring about less and less.

That said, Im still good friends with my exMIL, we don’t talk about my ex at all. I don’t know if she tells him what we talk about, he probably wouldn’t be tha interested anyway.
We have kids together so my life is never going to be completely private but I only talk about the big stuff with my parents and people I know don’t talk to him.

just take some deep breaths and focus on the things within your control.

It Is hard as my sister said my BIL has changed as he’s getting led astray by my husband.
I shouldn’t but I can’t help but feel guilty because it’s the man I chose that has caused all this upset and change.
I never thought he could be like he is. I was warned about him nearly 17 years ago and ignored the warnings but apart from a couple of situations where he betrayed me, we’ve been really happy.
So for him to be so cruel and cold is so out of character.
I just don’t get why my BIL isn’t seeing what he’s doing 😞

16 years abd counting for me. Its permanently damaged my relationship with them. They felt i had no right to try to dictate who they were friends with and they had a long history. I understand that. But ir meant he was invited to most family events (along with his wife whwn he later remarried) and I would avoid most family events, even if I wasn't sure if he would be there. This includes my sisters wedding abroad where we would have been forced to be together for over a week. 16 years have passed, things have not changed.

Well, it's hardly your fault if your sister's marriage is developing problems, and I struggle to believe in the concept of an adult man being 'led astray' by anyone. Perhaps your sister will divorce your BIL and then he and your ex can toddle around together being men about town or whatever 'leading astray' implies.

Whatever your ex is up to, it's nothing to do with you any more. Surely you can also tell your sister that you don't want to hear about her husband's golfing holidays and shenanigans with your ex?

But that's an entirely different situation. The OP's family have all taken her side. One person, her BIL, still sees her ex, but on his own. Her father isn't going on a golfing holiday that includes the ex. He's not being invited to family events.

That’s awful. I’m so sorry. I really hope this isn’t going to be how it is for me.
If anyone else in my family chooses to continue speaking to him or see him then I may end up being in the same boat which I don’t want as I can imagine it being very lonely 😞

Honestly this is really not good advice. If OP does this, then it is HER who is causing a rift in the family. Her ex and her BIL are doing nothing wrong. They are separate human beings from OP who have a relationship that is absolutely nothing to do with her. Asking her sister to keep secrets from her husband in case it gets back to her ex is inappropriate and unnecessary. Stop trying to draw people onto your misery. Yes, you are in pain and yes it hurts, but people fall out of love and move on. So what if he knows where you go on holiday, so what if he knows if you have a new job/boyfriend/car...so what?

The language you are using in your posts @Beyondbroken is extreme and inflammatory. You are telling yourself to be hurt and angry. Your ex is not "destroying" your family. He doesn't actually have that power.

You can have your fresh start. You can lay down rules for your family and boundaries around your social media and information. But you then need to remember that if family becomes distant because of your boundaries and rules then that's on you. Not them and not him. Only you will know if that is what will make you happier long term. But you can't wake up 16 years later like PP sad that you were not able to go to family events in case he's there and blame him or them, if it was your choice.

Connection to your BIL is a red herring. You won't have a completely fresh start even if you move to the other side of the world. Have you ever heard an expression "Everywhere I go, there I am"?
This relatively small situation with your BIL seems larger than it is not because it is negative per se but because your mind makes it so. Your mind. Of which you are in complete control. And I know it is your mind because even within your own argument, you are inconsistent with what you desire. In one sentence you say that you want to enjoy the last few moments (?days, weeks, months) with your husband, in the other you say it is world-shattering that he will remain part of your family life. Your brain is not your friend right now and immigrating to Australia won't fix it.
How do I know? Because I moved to a different county when my relationship ended, severing connection completely. And I was still devastated because you can't run away from your thoughts. Nine months after the event my ex's sister contacted me and I was so happy to hear from her! And I didn't care whether my ex knew, or what he thought or whether he existed at all. Because my ex became completely irrelevant at that point. Exes have a habit of becoming irrelevant over time even when they seem like big scary monsters in the aftermath of a breakup.
So don't do anything. Focus on your therapy and acknowledge that you are catastrophising and no life-changing decisions need to be made right now.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies ♥️
I am in a total state of confusion as to what to do. I don’t want to upset anyone but I also want to try and move on.
I guess over the coming weeks/months I can decide whether or not I want to stick around or if I want to move to somewhere where I don’t have the memories.
I won’t be shutting my family out though even if I am miles away. It just may mean not seeing them as often.
I just feel the way things have been for the last few months and the way things are now,
I can’t see it getting any easier being around 😞
I’ve seen so many people say no contact is the best way to move on from heartbreak and I feel that distancing myself from my husband may be the way forward. I don’t want to bump into him in a supermarket or pub incase it triggers a similar pain to what I’m going through right now.

Things are going to change family wise after a shakeup like a long term marriage breakup. You're going to have to adapt or be stuck in resentment and anger.

Why do you think you're going to lose your family when only your BIL is hanging out with him? It sounds like your family is very supportive of you. If you don't want ex to get info, don't give out much info. Go quiet on SM. Share less.

They're not going to treat him like garbage if you have kids together. You have to co-parent with him and they are not going to actively disrespect him because he's your kids' father. Your dad is distancing himself and not going on a usual trip because your ex has been invited. Your SIL is having friction in her marriage because of your BIL's choices. He's a grown man responsible for those choices, not your ex. This is part of things shaking out.

If you are thinking of moving, you'd better run that by a lawyer to see how that's going to affect custody and the issues that could come up from you moving. Would you be responsible for transportation to and from where he is living, things like that.

It sounds like you could use therapy to deal with the pain you're going through with the end of your marriage.

You don't need to "do" anything right now except breathe, eat, sleep, walk and wash. You've had a massive shock and you are grieving. You don't need to make plans or decisions. Just be for a little while. "Moving on" isn't always something you need to do, sometimes it is just something that happens.

I can't tell if you have children or not. If you don't it's much simpler to block him everywhere and just not see him and much simpler to move if that's what you decide you want.

You just split last month, let things rearrange and hold off on big decisions like moving for 6 months or so, until you adjust a bit to the new normal.

My ex husband and I split (my choice) after 28 years. He kept in touch with my family and friends, and I did the same with his. 🤷‍♀️

Im assuming no children?

You and your sister could have fun with it you and everyone else know that all he wants is information on you suffering and pining for him so create another life have sister take phone calls saying things like he did WHAT! and I hope you used protection i cant BELIEVE you did that

Childish but could be funny make arrangements to meet a (imaginary) man somewhere honestly my ex reactivated an old Facebook account and changed the name to stalk me so I wouldn't notice I clocked on and tagged myself 50/60 miles away he would drive there to accidentally bump into me all he did was waste his petrol I would then un tag myself and be "mystified" when he asked me how I enjoyed xyz place

You sound like you’ve got a great sense of humour 🙂
I did once! Hopefully I reach a place where I do think playing games like that will be fun (like he’s playing games with me at the moment).
I feel quite pathetic at the moment and all I want to do is cry. Even when I’m putting on a brave face I’m crying inside.

In what way is he playing games with you?

Why do you have to keep putting on a brave face? Cry if you need to. You’re allowed to be sad. You don’t need to put on a performance for anyone.

Try not to play into his hands by making any drastic changes like detaching from your parents. Ask everyone to watch what they say around BIL. Especially your sister. If it was me I would try feeding false information. Like about you going to parties and staying out late and downloading dating apps.