How do I move on if ex is still in contact with family member?

[Beyondbroken]

My husband of 10 years ended our marriage last month. He’s left me heartbroken. He had a personality change, became secretive and after months of me clinging on with hope of fixing things, he finished it. My family are deeply affected by it all. They were so convinced we’d work it out. We’ve always been so happy and my family adored him. But it’s over and I’m trying to put on a brave face for the sake of my family and also to not make my husband think I’m not coping. I’m really not but I can’t keep getting told to stop crying and get on with life as it hurts. The issue I have is my husband has all of a sudden got closer to my brother in law (sisters husband). They’d never go out unless we went out all together and now they’re seeing a lot of eachother and by the sounds of it in constant contact. The rest of my family, as much as they’re hurting are supporting me and have not been in contact with him. He said some really nasty things about them which I haven’t repeated to them as I know they’d be really upset. How do I move on when I know he will always have ties to my family and know what I’m up to? I love him so so much so keep thinking being friends with him will be too painful. I’m trying to be civil with him at the moment simply because I know that soon I will no longer see him or speak to him so trying to enjoy the time I have left with him (sounds like he’s dying but that’s how it feels 😢) I think moving away may be the answer even though it terrifies me as I’ve never lived alone and I’ve always been close to my family. But I can’t stop my husband seeing my brother in law so I guess it’s down to me to work out what will help me even if that does mean pretty much losing my whole family 😞 I’m so stuck!

What you’ve said does make total sense.
My family are in my corner which I am so grateful for.
I know none of this is my fault but I can’t help feel the guilt for the pain this has caused them as it’s broken up my entire family.
My husband is going on a golf trip with my brother in law and a group of my brother in laws friends. It’s the first year he’s been invited on the trip. My Dad and my Uncle have always gone but my Dad doesn’t feel comfortable going this year which breaks my heart as I know he enjoys going. I just don’t know why my husband can’t turn it down to avoid this family upset he’s causing.
He’s got his own family for support but seems to want to destroy my family.
It seems to be very easy for him to move on from the life he’s chosen to give up but I am left feeling totally lost and conflicted about how I make myself me again and I don’t seem to be getting anywhere 😞

But what ‘constant connection’, OP? Your ex sees your BIL socially. No one else in your family does. You don’t mention children, so I’m assuming you didn’t have any with him, which would be a constant connection. Your memories of your ex will fade in time, and the hurt you’re feeling will blunt, no matter how difficult it is to believe now. You’d be crazy to move to the other end of the country to make a fresh start while feeling like this. Tell your sister to talk to her husband. Say you recognise you can’t control who he sees socially, but that, in the circumstances, you’d like an undertaking from him not to mention you, and certainly not to update your ex on your life.

You're catastrophising.

Your ex is now mates with your sister's husband. So what? They are socialising separately to you. You never have to see your ex (unless you have shared children and custody arrangements). You don't go on the blokey golf trip. Presumably you only see your BIL when he's with your sister, not when he's hanging out with your ex.

Leave them to it. No one is spying on you . Gently, he is the one who left, the one who was no longer interested in engaging with you, so he's unlikely to give a stuff whether you're taking holidays or whatever.

It is not a "constant connection". You don't live in your BIL's house. The memories are in your head whether your BIL is mates or not.

I think you're focusing on this because it's too scary just now to focus on the real issues. That's understandable because it's all so recent.

My husband is going on a golf trip with my brother in law and a group of my brother in laws friends. It’s the first year he’s been invited on the trip. My Dad and my Uncle have always gone but my Dad doesn’t feel comfortable going this year which breaks my heart as I know he enjoys going.

So what? It's not your problem. Your dad is an adult, as is everyone else involved. It's not the end of the world that your dad can't go on a golf trip. At the end of the day, you can't tell your BIL not to be friends with your ex.

I think you're focusing on this because it's too scary just now to focus on the real issues. That's understandable because it's all so recent.

This that @HeadyLamarr says. Also @SlightlyUnexpected posts are spot on too.

Is your bil actively socialising with your ex or is he just keeping interactions on an even keel as they have a golf trip coming up that they are both attending? I presume the golf trip was organised way in advance of the last month and your bil is just not getting involved in your split and taking sides so as to not make things awkward for everyone whilst they are away and is not prepared to lose out on a trip he is looking forward to through no fault of his own.

I did warn my BIL a couple or months ago. My BIL knows about everything my husband did to hurt and betray me.
I think my husband just wanted that connection to the family so has sadly used my BIL for it but my BIL isn’t seeing that.
I used to be really close to my sister and BIL but that’s always going to be a struggle now.

They’re actively socialising. My husband is doing things so out of character.
They’ve been having nights out together.
I think my husband is using him to have the connection to my family but it’s become really detrimental to how I’m feeling but he’s not going to care about that

I totally understand this, as I felt the same in your position.

However, over time the pain got less and my husband fell out of contact with my family after a few years. I was still a bit cross with my family members but they had known him for years.

You are still in the very early stages when everything hurts, and this will be making it seem worse than it is. Your pain is real, but your perspective is a little skewed because of it. Try not to think too much about it. Things will take a while to work themselves out.

Respectfully, @Beyondbroken, your ex left you after ten years. You were desperate to make it work, but he wasn’t interested and ended things. Why would he want a connection to your family, or indeed to know anything about your life after he left, still less to ‘destroy’ your family? Isn’t it perfectly possible that @JustChillin70 is right, and your BIL and ex are just keeping things up between them till after this golf trip, after which it’s perfectly possible that friendship will die off naturally ?

then you tell her nothing - or you tell her and she is totally clear that her DH and your EX are not to hear about your life.

And nobody else tells your BIL anything about your life.

(you could use this to your advantage: BIL gets to hear lots of conversations about how surprised everyone is you saw right through EX and are over him so quickly and how you are living your best life without him and it is about time)

I think out of all the people it could be and certainly now it’s very telling isn’t it? But sounds like there’s not much you can do about it.

I agree your ex is seeing your BIL to have a connection to the family. It’s not fair on you though, especially as this affects you seeing your sister.

Thanks 🙂
I just hope their friendship fizzles out so I can openly talk to my family without thinking everything I say will get back to my ex.
I’m very much missing them all at the moment as I have felt I can’t talk to them in the way I want to. My sister is a great listener but I know whatever I say will be passed on to her husband in one way or another which then gets back to my husband.
I just want a fresh start which is so so hard to think about but at the moment I just feel like I’m in a horrible mess which I don’t want to be in 😞

Your feelings are totally understandable - but their feelings will be different. And that's okay.

What I would say is that I wouldn't worry too much about your what you say to your sister getting back to your husband - in my experience this sort of thing is the LAST thing men talk about, if your BIL even listens to his wife... 😃

He always gets what he wants and this is it. He knows he’s hurting me even more.
It’s him that’s called all the shots. His family haven’t reached out to me so I’ve lost them and I haven’t fully got mine.
I genuinely think he wants me to have no one 😞

OP, this is a bit mad. Your ex had no interest in remaining in a relationship with you, and he’s the one who ended your marriage. Why would you imagine he and your BIL are at all likely to spend their time together discussing your life after your marriage ended?

I am so sorry for your situation OP, but I agree with others - don't let this affect your relationship with your family, there is no reason to. BIL is one outlier, that is all. Even if he never spoke to him that would not stop you having the memories, or the heartbreak, I think perhaps you are projecting that pain onto the wrong place. Just ignore your brother in law. As PPs pointed out plenty of people have to stay in contact with their exes due to children etc. You will get there, it's really early days, don't do anything rash and upend your life.

I think that’s how it will have to be if I want any kind of relationship with my family which I really do 😫
I’m going to have to just say I’m not talking about it if my ex gets mentioned and will just have to make sure I don’t share anything I’m doing that will get back to him.
He’s just made my life so difficult 😢

Thank you 🙏
I have really needed my family over the last few weeks but I’ve been keeping a lot of the pain to myself because I’ve been too scared to reach out.
I just wish he went his own way like he chose to do but didn't involve any of my family. He’s got the best of both worlds at the moment knowing he has support from his family and has a little bit from mine. I wish he’d just see the damage he’s caused and understand that what he’s doing is causing more

I don't know how close you are to your sister, I would ask my sister not to tell her DH about things going on in my life, so as not to give BiL info he could reveal if pressed by your ex.

He doesn’t have ‘support from your family’, OP. He just sees your BIL socially. I mean, there’s no particular reason he would need support from either family, is there?

I’m not trying to be unpleasant here, just trying to get you to see that you are cutting yourself off from sources of family support when you really need it, on the completely unevidenced grounds that if you talk frankly to your parents, they might tell your sister, who might pass it on to her husband, who might spend entire nights out discussing your feelings with your ex (who has surely made it brutally clear that he’s not interested in your feelings?)

Oh come on OP. Why on earth would you not speak to your parents just because your BIL is mates with your ex?! You're coming across as feeling a bit sorry for yourself now and blowing everything completely out of proportion

How do you think parents who have kids manage?! They don't cut their kids off or not speak to them in case something gets back to their ex!

You don’t make any major decisions right now and give it time. You’ll be largely indifferent in a couple of years and won’t give him a second thought. Once you realise that you are far better off without him which you will.

This is completely normal behaviour. Just saying “let’s not talk about him” if the ex ever comes up. And I doubt he will anyway. I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill in your head. It sounds like your family massively has your back generally. So what if your BIL still sees him socially away from family life? They might mention you a bit at the moment because you’re trying to control your BIL’s behaviour…
“she’s not happy we’re meeting up”
“oh gosh, she’s still not over me is she!” Etc
if you just left them to get on with it and there wasn’t a reaction or drama I can assure you they’d be talking about other things. Not what you got for your birthday. (I don’t mean that to sound critical, but it does sound like a bit of a big family reaction). I stayed friends with my ex’s mum for a good few years after he left me. We rarely spoke about him, we just got on well and spoke about what was going on at that time. My life. She came to my wedding. It was never out of a desire to know about him! I stayed in contact with a couple he was friends with that I’d become friends with too. They were very good to me during the split. I’d moved to his town and didn’t have many people to lean on. After a while I found it difficult because they did talk about him a lot. He married someone else a year after cancelling our wedding, so there was a lot of gossip/sniggering about him, but I found it hard to take and had to step away from them for a bit. But we’re still friends 25 years later. And I’ve been happily married to someone else much more suited to me than my ex for 20 years.

OP it’s still raw and hurting. You will get through this with time. One day you will look back on this and feel nothing. Keep your chin up and keep plodding on until then.

Thanks for this 🙂
It’s just so hard knowing someone can hurt me so much but still keep sticking the knife in. I’d like to hope I will be at peace one day but at the moment I am finding every day to be a challenge.
The lows are becoming unbearable again after starting to feel a little bit better.
The grief of losing the man I wanted to spend my life with, losing his family and losing the closeness I had with mine is all too much.