How do I move on if ex is still in contact with family member?

[Beyondbroken]

My husband of 10 years ended our marriage last month. He’s left me heartbroken. He had a personality change, became secretive and after months of me clinging on with hope of fixing things, he finished it. My family are deeply affected by it all. They were so convinced we’d work it out. We’ve always been so happy and my family adored him. But it’s over and I’m trying to put on a brave face for the sake of my family and also to not make my husband think I’m not coping. I’m really not but I can’t keep getting told to stop crying and get on with life as it hurts. The issue I have is my husband has all of a sudden got closer to my brother in law (sisters husband). They’d never go out unless we went out all together and now they’re seeing a lot of eachother and by the sounds of it in constant contact. The rest of my family, as much as they’re hurting are supporting me and have not been in contact with him. He said some really nasty things about them which I haven’t repeated to them as I know they’d be really upset. How do I move on when I know he will always have ties to my family and know what I’m up to? I love him so so much so keep thinking being friends with him will be too painful. I’m trying to be civil with him at the moment simply because I know that soon I will no longer see him or speak to him so trying to enjoy the time I have left with him (sounds like he’s dying but that’s how it feels 😢) I think moving away may be the answer even though it terrifies me as I’ve never lived alone and I’ve always been close to my family. But I can’t stop my husband seeing my brother in law so I guess it’s down to me to work out what will help me even if that does mean pretty much losing my whole family 😞 I’m so stuck!

I deleted his account after a couple of weeks but it was funny especially if I sent him to a paid venue and I was living it up at a free event 30 miles in the opposite direction 😅

He’s deliberately doing things to try and get a reaction from me.
He’s definitely been up to something behind my back but has continuously told me it’s all in my head but I’ve lived with him for nearly 17 years, I know he’s been lying to me. He will never admit it and so I have to live with that and try and move on

I know. But it’s so hard when people are really trying to cheer me up, I try my best not to always look miserable as I really don’t want people to be worrying sick about me.
My mums health hasn’t been great over the last few weeks as she’s been so stressed and concerned about me.
It’s so so nice to know people care but to think I’m the cause of their worries and health issues is horrible 😢

What kind of things is he doing to try and get a reaction out of you?

Honestly, I don't know why you are being so easy on you bil. You know your ex is a dick. However, it is nothing short of nasty for your bil to suddenly start cultivating a friendship with him. You make it sound like he's a poor little thing with no will of his own. That is not true. He knows your ex hurt you. Despite that, he has made a deliberate decision to cultivate a friendship with him. That's a total dick move.

It would be one thing if they had been close friends all along but they weren't. Inviting him on the golf trip for the first time ever after you split up is spectacularly shitty. I would be letting bil what I think of him in no uncertain terms but as you seem unwilling to do that, I would suggest you tell your sister that you really don't want to lose your relationship with her but if she shares information about you with bil, you will no longer feel you can confide in her about anything.

Why are you letting your ex win? You’re not evening putting up a fight. The best thing is to ignore him. Don’t lose your family just because your naive BIL wants a new play mate!

Your parents and your sister all agree that they are not comfortable with BIL’s relationship with your ex. All of you just need to agree that your business will not be discussed with BIL from now on. For heavens sake why do you need to isolate yourself from your family? Your life without your ex is a new chapter not the end of life, some of what you said is quite sad to read.

I am sorry to be harsh but I really wonder if the ex who chose to leave you cares what you do with your life. If you chose to lose your family that is on you not your ex.

This is how I’m feeling at the moment. I feel like I can’t share anything with her.
I am super upset with my BIL. Especially as I’ve told him everything my husband has put me through. He initially offered to help by suggesting he went for a drink with my husband to try and get something out of him which I was failing to do (when he started acting cold and nasty before ending the marriage). I didn’t then expect him to get closer to him after knowing what he had put me through.
It really has knocked my confidence in being able to trust anyone.

I do totally get what you’re saying which is why I’m in such a predicament with knowing what to do.
I know that my husband is always going to get brought up in conversation. Even if I ask for him not to. If my BIL goes out with him and finds out something, it is bound to get back to my parents or my sister and they will relay it back to me but I just don’t want to know. It’s inevitable it’s going to happen and how do I move on if I keep getting reminded of someone who was my world until he broke me?

Does your sister have to tell her husband everything you do?

BIL doesn't need to know when you're going on holiday or what you're doing for birthdays, unless it involves BIL...and quite honestly, I wouldn't particularly want to be celebrating with BIL.

I think how you go forward depends on if your Ex husband is as sneaky and manipulative as he is sounds? Developing a relationship with someone for the purposes of keeping tabs on someone else is very odd. If this is the case then you have to put your big girl pants on and as hard as it is grey rock every mention of him, every attempt from your BIL if it happens to get info and feign complete disinterest in anything to do with him.

Get on and live you life calmly with head held high, if you need to manage childcare do it via email, get a payg phone that only he has the number for emergencies and switch on only when the children are with him.

Speak to your sis and explain that you don't want updates on your life passed on to him.

I would tell your parents what he said to cement the fact that they are on your 'side'.

Its all very raw and time will help and things will get better, you can do this.

He is using bil to get validation thst he has done the right thing leaving you like he needs to feel superior he sounds insecure

The guy who decided that despite having a happy marriage, I clearly wasn't enough.

He obviously wasn't happy in the marriage. It doesn't mean it was your fault, or that you weren't enough... but HE wasn't happy.

He doesn't sound like a nice person suddenly trying to get close to BIL. That kind of behaviour, would have me feeding him false information to get back to your STBXH.

Meant to add that if your family continue to talk about your ex infront of you, or even talk about him at all I think thats very strange and unfair.

I don't know any one where their family or friends talk about an ex partner, I only mention an ex if my friend brings them up first and then only to remind them how lucky they are an ex!

My sister does have a big mouth.
She had also suggested going on holiday, just me, her, my mum and niece. So obviously family holidays etc, my husband will know about.
I know a lot of people say who cares but this is the man that has totally broken my heart, treated me pretty badly over the last few months leaving me hanging on by a thread and seriously damaging my mental health, I really don’t want him knowing what I am up to. He’s chosen he doesn’t want a life with me so he shouldn’t be knowing anything about me.

He sounds like a piece of work. And certainly doesn't deserve someone like you. I hope you can see it soon.

The guy who decided that despite having a happy marriage, I clearly wasn't enough.

He obviously wasn't happy in the marriage. It doesn't mean it was your fault, or that you weren't enough... but HE wasn't happy.

He doesn't sound like a nice person suddenly trying to get close to BIL. That kind of behaviour, would have me feeding him false information to get back to your STBXH.

I understand how you feel. The goal is to get to a stage of indifference, where you don't give a damn what he knows and doesn't know about you.

If you have other friends to gain support from, I'd do that.

He has clearly gone about this poorly. Giving you hope, when the chances are that his mind was already made up.

I’d imagine your sister must be pretty annoyed that your dad can’t go on this annual golf trip as her DH has invited your ex. Surely he knows your dad isn’t going to want to go if your ex is going? If that was my husband i’d be giving him a piece of my mind. Sounds like he’s being played by your ex. I can see why you’re upset by this, I would be too. I think keep seeing the counsellor, and don’t make any rash decisions. If your sister mentions that you’re a bit distant, i’d be honest and say you’re struggling with your BIL being so friendly with your ex and you’re sorry if its affecting your relationship but you don’t want anything getting back to your ex. I’d certainly be telling my DH he was being a dick by forging this close friendship all of a sudden and he is definitely being played. Imagine your parents are pretty annoyed with him too.

What are the alternatives?

How about taking a gap half year from your life and go away. Keep low contact with your family to let them know you’re alive and nothing else about what you’re doing or where you are. This way you give yourself time for a complete reset, who knows you may even heal a bit. Also you won’t be isolating yourself instead you will be in an experience.

What I am saying is to create a positive story and outlook on your future.

I realise not everyone can just up and go. How about just laying the rules of the road with your family and being as close with them as you are. If they keep doing things you’ve asked them not to then you can reconsider your relationship with them.

My husband has caused such a mess within the family. It’s bad enough that I’m seriously struggling with him leaving and the way he went about it but he should have just left my family alone but instead he’s caused a huge divide.
My sister is so angry with her husband but she can’t control what he does and sadly he’s been manipulated by my husband.
I think she probably is aware that I’m a little distant because of the situation and it really is horrible that I am feeling I have to distance myself. I don’t want to but I feel so uncomfortable.
A lot of people are saying if I do this then my husband has won and got what he wants and I get it, I feel he has won but he’s a hell of a lot stronger than me and I have no power and just have to let it happen.
I really do hope in the long run, he backs off and lets me have my family back in the sense that I can feel like I can be myself around them and also so my family can be themselves around me without having to worry about what they say. If it was me that caused him this amount of pain, I’d think I’ve done enough damage and wouldn’t dream of interfering with his family.

I’ve considered different routes to go down.
I’ve got dogs and cats that I need to look after so going away for an extended period isn’t an option. I’ve even been worried about going away for a short period due to one of my dogs being almost 16 and showing some health concerns.
I often sound really negative which is not me at all. I’m not a negative person but with everything that’s been going on lately, I have become extremely anxious and a real worrier.
I know that life is never going to be the same. I was so happy, safe, loved spending time with my husband and family and now I don’t have that enjoyment 😞

You know that life will never be the same but what you don't know (yet) is that life is going to be 100 times better. If you let it.
I am 9 months post breakup. In that time I moved to the coast, made new friends, reconnected with old ones, started two new social hobbies, got adopted by a cat, dated an amazing man (its' over now but the memories I got from that were priceless), dating another amazing man now, learned off-road motorcycle racing, planning to do something utterly amazing and life-altering in late spring, lost weight, gained sense of purpose. And my ex who left me in a very vulnerable position is now a distant memory. A blip on a radar which gets further and further away as the time goes on. I have a big and beautiful life! And that breakup was absolutely the best thing that happened to me even though I felt as hopeless as you in the first four months.

You will not believe me now, that's OK. I just wanted to say it anyway so that maybe it will shift something for you. Everything is in your hands. You don't have to "get over him", you just have to say "F it" and do a thing that you really want to do. Go on holiday with your sister, jump out of a plane, join a Hyrox competition, do an art class... whatever it is for you. Just do something to get out of your head and reconnect with the world.

Your ex hasn't caused the divide in your family. Your bil is responsible for his actions. He, and he alone, is responsible for the divide.

Sure, it sounds like your ex is a manipulative scumbag but anybody with any sense of decency or even a vague hint of family loyalty would have nothing to do with him.

There's not anything that Op has written (willing to be proven wrong) that gives me cause to think he ex is a manipulative scumbag. He wants to be friends with someone who happens to be part of Ops family through marriage. This happens all the time. Op has not told us how he betrayed her. He has told her he doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with her. Earlier on in the thread OP even said that she wanted to be civil with him to make the most of any time they get to spend together. She's also said that within her relationship she felt safe and loved and that for years her family adored him. None of that screams manipulative scumbag. In the absence of a brain injury it is rare for someone's personality to change SO drastically in the space of 30 days.

Op is hurting and in pain. But creating an enemy image of her ex is not going to help her. Viewing herself as a victim of a BAD man might actually make it harder for her to process and move on.

My husband became secretive and had a total personality change back in October. After living with him for 16 years, I knew something was off.
I initially got told he wanted to do more things apart. I had no issue. But after this he became a different person.
He’d be secretive with his phone. Started losing loads of weight. Bought a whole new wardrobe of designer clothes, became obsessed with going to the gym. Started lying to me. Started watching porn. Started going on sex chat sites, started going out til the early hours of the morning, started telling me all my anxieties were all in my head.
I asked him if he wanted to get our marriage back on track but each time I was met with ‘I don’t know’. I was so keen to get us back to the way we were as we had many happy years so yes, I was hanging on by a thread which in hindsight I shouldn’t have done as I pretty much knew what the outcome would be but I still had a tiny bit of hope.
He began provoking me to get a reaction. He would drive erratically to panic me and find it funny. He’d tell me he had spent £8500 on a Rolex but in actual fact, he spent £400 on a replica. He’d tell me things but then tell other people he didn’t ever say it.
He just became a very cold person. Unrecognisable.
He made me become a paranoid, anxious mess doubting everything.
He went away alone. Whilst he was away I noticed condoms missing. He refused to tell me why. The next day he told me he gave them to his friend. Not generally something you do as 40 year old men.
He went away alone for 9 days. Returned and ended our marriage the night he returned. He told me it wasn’t my fault, he just wanted a new chapter. He slept in our bed that night whilst I cried but continuously told me to get some sleep and that he was tired.
He has since shown absolutely no emotion whatsoever whilst I’m trying to hold it together but often failing miserably. We are co-habiting. I’m now putting on a brave face and making sure I don’t cry in front of him as I get told, stop crying, get on with your life.
I have discussed all of this with friends and my therapist and they have made me understand that my anxieties, depression and irrational thoughts are valid after what I’ve been through. I had been questioning whether it was me. I still do to be fair as I will never understand why he changed so much. We had the best year until October.