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Original poster

How do I move on if ex is still in contact with family member?

103 replies

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 20:47

My husband of 10 years ended our marriage last month. He’s left me heartbroken. He had a personality change, became secretive and after months of me clinging on with hope of fixing things, he finished it. My family are deeply affected by it all. They were so convinced we’d work it out. We’ve always been so happy and my family adored him. But it’s over and I’m trying to put on a brave face for the sake of my family and also to not make my husband think I’m not coping. I’m really not but I can’t keep getting told to stop crying and get on with life as it hurts. The issue I have is my husband has all of a sudden got closer to my brother in law (sisters husband). They’d never go out unless we went out all together and now they’re seeing a lot of eachother and by the sounds of it in constant contact. The rest of my family, as much as they’re hurting are supporting me and have not been in contact with him. He said some really nasty things about them which I haven’t repeated to them as I know they’d be really upset. How do I move on when I know he will always have ties to my family and know what I’m up to? I love him so so much so keep thinking being friends with him will be too painful. I’m trying to be civil with him at the moment simply because I know that soon I will no longer see him or speak to him so trying to enjoy the time I have left with him (sounds like he’s dying but that’s how it feels 😢) I think moving away may be the answer even though it terrifies me as I’ve never lived alone and I’ve always been close to my family. But I can’t stop my husband seeing my brother in law so I guess it’s down to me to work out what will help me even if that does mean pretty much losing my whole family 😞 I’m so stuck!

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonOh · 10/02/2026 16:39

Candlestickinthediningroom · 10/02/2026 15:48

There's not anything that Op has written (willing to be proven wrong) that gives me cause to think he ex is a manipulative scumbag. He wants to be friends with someone who happens to be part of Ops family through marriage. This happens all the time. Op has not told us how he betrayed her. He has told her he doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with her. Earlier on in the thread OP even said that she wanted to be civil with him to make the most of any time they get to spend together. She's also said that within her relationship she felt safe and loved and that for years her family adored him. None of that screams manipulative scumbag. In the absence of a brain injury it is rare for someone's personality to change SO drastically in the space of 30 days.

Op is hurting and in pain. But creating an enemy image of her ex is not going to help her. Viewing herself as a victim of a BAD man might actually make it harder for her to process and move on.

I agree with you to an extent but I do think him suddenly nurturing a friendship with the bil where none existed before is manipulative and scumbaggy. Fair enough if it was an existing friendship but according to the op, it wasn't.

outerspacepotato · 10/02/2026 17:16

he just wanted a new chapter.

Then why would he choose now to buddy up to BIL? His new chapter involved ending his marriage, that should involve cutting ties to his soon to be ex's family.

I think this sounds creepy as hell myself.

We are co-habiting.

The hell? No wonder you're all over the place. You can't get away from someone who's been abusive with the erratic driving and gaslighting and just disappearing, and made you afraid. He sounds like a sadist who's enjoying the pain he's causing you.

Get a lawyer and split. This is no way to live.

Candlestickinthediningroom · 10/02/2026 17:19

Beyondbroken · 10/02/2026 16:30

My husband became secretive and had a total personality change back in October. After living with him for 16 years, I knew something was off.
I initially got told he wanted to do more things apart. I had no issue. But after this he became a different person.
He’d be secretive with his phone. Started losing loads of weight. Bought a whole new wardrobe of designer clothes, became obsessed with going to the gym. Started lying to me. Started watching porn. Started going on sex chat sites, started going out til the early hours of the morning, started telling me all my anxieties were all in my head.
I asked him if he wanted to get our marriage back on track but each time I was met with ‘I don’t know’. I was so keen to get us back to the way we were as we had many happy years so yes, I was hanging on by a thread which in hindsight I shouldn’t have done as I pretty much knew what the outcome would be but I still had a tiny bit of hope.
He began provoking me to get a reaction. He would drive erratically to panic me and find it funny. He’d tell me he had spent £8500 on a Rolex but in actual fact, he spent £400 on a replica. He’d tell me things but then tell other people he didn’t ever say it.
He just became a very cold person. Unrecognisable.
He made me become a paranoid, anxious mess doubting everything.
He went away alone. Whilst he was away I noticed condoms missing. He refused to tell me why. The next day he told me he gave them to his friend. Not generally something you do as 40 year old men.
He went away alone for 9 days. Returned and ended our marriage the night he returned. He told me it wasn’t my fault, he just wanted a new chapter. He slept in our bed that night whilst I cried but continuously told me to get some sleep and that he was tired.
He has since shown absolutely no emotion whatsoever whilst I’m trying to hold it together but often failing miserably. We are co-habiting. I’m now putting on a brave face and making sure I don’t cry in front of him as I get told, stop crying, get on with your life.
I have discussed all of this with friends and my therapist and they have made me understand that my anxieties, depression and irrational thoughts are valid after what I’ve been through. I had been questioning whether it was me. I still do to be fair as I will never understand why he changed so much. We had the best year until October.

Show quote history

That must have been hellish for you Op. People online can only give you advice ( which you asked for) if they know the whole story...other wise they could be giving you rubbish advice or even dangerous advice.

His behaviour has changed significantly and you are not only grieving the relationship but to a certain extent the man that you knew. Sometimes when men want out of a relationship or start an affair, they can't be seen to be the "bad guy". Their damaged egos don't allow them to see themselves as that....so they behave badly to get a reaction from their partners. It sounds like there might have been a bit of that going on. Having said all of that, my position remains that - You can not control him. You can not control BIL. You can not ask anyone else to control him or BIL. Him having information about your life will not affect you - unless you fear that he will use the information to harass, stalk or hurt you. Keep looking to your sister and parents for support and love.

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