Red flags in dating?

[Sheshappy123]

So I’ve been seeing this guy I met around a year ago… there a 16 year age difference (I’m 32 he’s 48) which doesn’t bother me as I’m really attracted to him we get along so well and always have a good time when were together always laughing etc, the sex is out of this world too although people have said to me that him going for younger women is a red flag and maybe he’s predatory or manipulative etc etc. There are a few things that I can’t shake off, like when were together his phone is completely silent like it’s on do not disturb he says he keeps it on silent so no one interrupts our time together (we usually see each other maybe once a week but we’re both busy, Im a single mum and hes divorced and has kids too) he occasionally takes me out on dates, he says he loves me and genuinely treats me that way when were together, I’ve fallen for him but for some reason feel like I can’t trust him completely but I don’t know if that’s because I’m generally anxious and came out of a long term unhappy relationship. He hasn’t met my children although we’ve spoken about it a little but I’m not ready for that. He seems genuinely concerned when I’m upset and has offered money when I talk to him about money worries although I always tell him its okay. Some days he’ll barely be in contact with me at all very minimal other days we’ll talk quite a lot but he rarely rings to talk to me. His whole instagram following is younger models etc which I find a bit strange. When I think back to the early days of us meeting he said I love you very early on and seemed very attached to me. Do I sound like I’m over thinking things or would any of this bring up red flags for you?

I think once you're in to your 30s then age gaps are less of an issue than if you were in your early 20s. Him putting his phone on silent when he's with you is similarly not that big of a deal to me. Lots of people keep their phones on silent pretty much constantly. Similarly for not calling you on the phone much - that's something that's rapidly becoming one of those things that people just don't do anymore. It might be a red flag, it might just be personal preference.

Who he's following on Instagram feels worse somehow. It's seedy.

After a year I'd think it's probably time to start thinking about meeting each other's children too. Has that come up in conversation? And have you at least met his family and friends?

A whole parade of red flags.

1. Dating a woman 16 years younger
2. Early "I love you" A love bomber.
3. Women on insta.
4. Communication is erratic
5. Your nervous system (gut) is screaming at you. Listen to it.

Keeping the phone on silent is probably not an issue. I do it too on dates. I want to be fully present with the person and not being distracted by unexpected pings and phone calls.
Everything else is a major red flag - early declarations of love, women in insta and inconsistent communication. Proceed with caution.

Why not have an honest conversation with him and share your thoughts? Who are these women he is following- models or something else? Set your expectations in terms of communication. It's always better to express how you feel rather than over think.

The ig issue is deeply grim, and the love bombing is worrying. Neither of these things ever indicate that a man is a good, decent one in my experience.

Your friends say about him going for younger women. So, plural? He has a record of dating much younger? Yes to another red flag.

But you've said yourself that you can't trust him completely. You can't put your finger on why, but that's your instinctive reaction to him. And that's your answer.

Following models on IG is gross. For that alone I'd end it

Well he can't win.

Why do other people have issues with age gaps. Yes he may be manipulative, he may be predatory. There again he might juts like you for being you.

So his phone is on silent. If his phone was constantly ringing would that also be a red flag. Maybe he has turned it off out of courtesy ?

He has said that he loves you. Well that must be a good thing ? Love bombing again if this was incessant with flowers and chocolates then yes but maybe he just cares about you. Is there a right time to say I love you for the first time ?

The Instagram thing that maybe a concern. That is something you should talk about

it looks as of you are allowing previous bad relationships to cloud your judgement on this relationship (and this is so easy to do).Ignore what other people say about the age gap. Enjoy your current relationship and if it works fantastic

The tone of your post is this uncomfortable uncertainty. It’s not nice. Relationships should not make you feel this way. I would walk away from this relationship

I think he loves the idea of you, as a generic younger woman, rather than as a person, and that this then explains the rest of the flags. Otherwise, how could he be in love so quickly? Who exactly was he in love with, since he didn't know you?

Many men are like this though - visual creatures who 'love' on sight and sometimes it works. Other times they think their partner has 'changed', when all that has happened is that they got to know them better, or that their partner aged.

If I were you, I'd probably carry on dating him, but I would not move any further, and I would hold onto my heart. I'd also consider telling him the reasons why - his response to your concerns would be telling.

I agree in general with PPs though - don't disregard your gut.

@GasperyJacquesRoberts I think you’re right about the age gap it would be a lot different if I was 10 years younger. The thing is he says he puts his phone on silent but it doesn’t ever vibrate or light up so I think it’s either on airplane mode or do not disturb. I don’t want to get my children involved until I feel 100% about him, and I feel very wary about men around my children not saying I get any vibe like that from him at all but I just think you have to be really careful, my mum moved a new partner into the house when we were kids and he ended up sa my little disabled sister. So it makes me wary and the guy she moved in was also around 16 years older then her and we thought he was really nice at first so I get weird feelings that is it history repeating itself and am I going to make the same mistake my mum did. Most of his family don’t live in the uk but I’ve met some of his friends and he’s met my sister

@Planesmistakenforstars sorry I worded that wrong, not that I know of that he usually goes for younger women, his wife that he divorced a couple of years ago was the same age as him and they were married 20 years

All of this plus he ‘occasionally takes you on dates’ - only a year in and you should be going on loads of dates not every now and again.
You only see each other once a week - other than sex how are you spending your time together?

Tbh he sounds a typical sleazy middle aged man meeting over women young enough to be his daughter - grim

@Sheshappy123 an ex of mine had his phone face down from day one . Through the relationship i would mention the phone always being out of site too. Then it would be on do not disturb .
Turned out he was a wrong one .
Id never allow myself to get involved with someone so secretive again .
Putting your age aside for a minute . The young insta following from a man whom is nearly 50 is yuck .
Also then the separate issue of never calling and some days hardly being in touch.
Id genuinely say it sounds like he has someone else or is a major player .

Has he spoken to you about you meeting his kids . I’d test the water and see what he says.
I wouldn’t let my kids get attached to him he’s not going to be around forever .

@TwistedWonder we went on lots of dates when we first met then it faded off so now makes me wonder if that was him just winning me over.

to be honest when we see each other it is very sex focused and we never see each other without having sex but we are kind of at that can’t keep hands off each other stage and he does know I have a very high sex drive and since we only see each other once a week I think it would be unlikely for us not to want to

@Imbusytodaysorry in the beginning we saw each other a few times as a week and would go on a date most weekends now I see him once in the middle of the week and he never initiates seeing each other on weekends anymore, I know he sees his son one day of the weekend and I work one day of the weekend too but we still have evenings.

it was him that actually bought up the conversation of meeting each others kids and introducing them to each other too but I feel I can’t do that yet when I have my doubts

have you been in his house?

It sounds more like FWB than a relationship.

The last guy I dated we only saw each other at weekends and obviously there was a lot of sex but we always went out to dinner, to bars, met up with friends etc - we still had dates not just sex

You're still young. Is this what you want from a partner?

The following lots of women/models on social media would put me off on its own!

Seems like you have a gut instinct that something is wrong.

But there is nothing wrong with putting the phone on Do Not Disturb. I know today people are obsessed with their phones, but it would be the height of rudeness if he kept interrupting the date to look at notifications on his phone, which could be as innocuous as goal updates from a football app.

I've been out and I've had non-stop notifications from MS Teams of work messages.

People should stop being ruled by their phones.

@TalulahJP yes I have although he’s staying temporarily in one of his work offices while he does up a house he bought after the divorce, he usually comes to my house

@TwistedWonder it’s starting to feel more like a fwb to me too but it’s really confusing. I know he has a lot going on with his ex wife and work and doing up a house so I’ve put the lack of dates/effort down to that but I don’t know. I genuinely wish I didn’t have feelings for him because I think I’d cut it off to save me feeling confused all the time

have you seen the new house?

im wondering if he’s seeing someone else or is still married. i’d be well doing a drive by at 3am to see if his car is outside his office and wouldn’t be surprised if it’s outside somewhere else. i’d sneakily be getting all his addresses so i could work out where he is when. eg new house marital home office new house.

i dont trust him. yet. i’d need evidence.

"It's always better to express how you feel rather than over think."

Women are often acused of "overthinking". It's actually a tool of the patriarchy to manipulate women into giving men chances that they don't deserve.

It is in fact normal and absolutely healthy to reflect when you feel uneasy about someone. The patriarchy has done a great job on training women to disregard that uneasiness, so that women don't put a shark cage around them and instead swim in a dulled state in the water, where sharks - predatory men - can consume them at will.

OP, you're NOT overthinking. Each of the things that bother you would cause me to suspect the guy is a creep who is lying and playing me. The whole lot of those things together would make me block him.

Don't ignore your gut. It's telling you something important.

@TalulahJP I have seen a few pictures and I know the road it’s on but not the actual house, I haven’t been there, from what he says it seems like it’s not in liveable condition and needs a lot of work doing first but who knows. I have thought about doing that but not possible with the kids being in bed. But the office he’s staying in has all his stuff, loads of clothes shoes, all kitchen stuff bed etc but I don’t know what to think

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta thats the thing it’s soo hard to know if I’m overthinking, and I don’t want to mess up something that could be good but I just have a gut feeling

@TalulahJP i really don't think he’s still married I’ve seen the divorce documents etc. He says the marriage went downhill because his wife stopped wanting to have sex with him and no intimacy, and at the end of the marriage she got him out the house by accusing him of raping her which he went through police interviews etc and was eventually dropped and I really don’t think he did as why would he tell me and he doesn’t seem like he could do anything like that he’s so gentle and sweet but who knows. He thinks the whole marriage she was using him for a house and money

It's confusing because his words don't match his actions. Ignore his words; they are meaningless. Only his actions matter, and they are showing you he's placed you in a fwb role. He's saying different because it's what you want to hear. You aren't messing up something good. A relationship where you feel confused and unsettled is not a good one.

He's got tons of red flags but the rape accusation would have me G.O.N.E. gone. I would never take that chance, especially with so many other red flags and his keeping his life so separate.