Red flags in dating?

[Sheshappy123]

So I’ve been seeing this guy I met around a year ago… there a 16 year age difference (I’m 32 he’s 48) which doesn’t bother me as I’m really attracted to him we get along so well and always have a good time when were together always laughing etc, the sex is out of this world too although people have said to me that him going for younger women is a red flag and maybe he’s predatory or manipulative etc etc. There are a few things that I can’t shake off, like when were together his phone is completely silent like it’s on do not disturb he says he keeps it on silent so no one interrupts our time together (we usually see each other maybe once a week but we’re both busy, Im a single mum and hes divorced and has kids too) he occasionally takes me out on dates, he says he loves me and genuinely treats me that way when were together, I’ve fallen for him but for some reason feel like I can’t trust him completely but I don’t know if that’s because I’m generally anxious and came out of a long term unhappy relationship. He hasn’t met my children although we’ve spoken about it a little but I’m not ready for that. He seems genuinely concerned when I’m upset and has offered money when I talk to him about money worries although I always tell him its okay. Some days he’ll barely be in contact with me at all very minimal other days we’ll talk quite a lot but he rarely rings to talk to me. His whole instagram following is younger models etc which I find a bit strange. When I think back to the early days of us meeting he said I love you very early on and seemed very attached to me. Do I sound like I’m over thinking things or would any of this bring up red flags for you?

I Don’t think your age gap is a red flag at the ages you are. Also the phone thing wouldn’t be a red flag for me. My phone is permanently on silent with no vibrate. Most people I know are the same. However the saying I love you so early and his insta follows would be major red flags for me

@outerspacepotato the thing is there are things he could have kept secret from me but he hasn’t, I know where his ex wife lives because he showed me the house they used to live in together (she still lives there) and her name etc so I could easily get in contact with her to ask her things why would he be open about all of this if he was hiding things

if you keep this guy just be aware that if you don’t put out he will leave you, based on his previous actions.

i believe he probably tried to have sex with her but there was insufficient evidence to prove rape. but maybe im judging unfairly. google him snd see what the papers say.

did you ever have the are we exclusive convo? if not you arent. if you did fine.

id still want to do a drive by at 3am though. i’d get my mum or best mate to stay over and just do it lol 😜

defo drive by his houses. google him on 123.com.
he just sounds a bit fishy. one wonders if he has a few gf’s whose pads he stays at and occasionally returns to his office to sleep. i’d be in his wallet and phone quicker than a rat up a drainpipe. i wouldn’t care if people thought i was spying if the cap fits and you need to try it on before you know lol …. 😂

Would the accusation come up if you did a Clare's Law request?

I would think he was just trying to get out ahead of you knowing about it. Honestly, trash talking his ex wife is a giant red flag by itself.

Rape accusations so rarely go anywhere that I would never take that as proof that it didn't happen. I am very self protective and I just would not be dating someone whose wife accused them of rape, especially with you having a kid. That is a Stop, Don't Pass Go, immediate end.

This guy sounds seedy and it's more like you're a booty call than in a relationship.

OP, all the red flags and on top of that his story that his wife went off sex, accused him of raping her, and she was using him for money.

This is ABSOLUTE bullshit, and you should be running for the hills.

With new women, abusers often quickly produce their narrative - full of lies, half-truths, and screwy rewriting of history - in case what they did comes to light.

I feel quite certain that this man DID rape his wife.

OP, this is NOT a safe man for you, and most definitely not your children.

I would call and ask his wife what really went on. I will bet that she has a VERY different story. And/or put in a Clare's law application.

@TalulahJP we haven’t had an are we exclusive convo really but I’ve asked if he’s seeing anyone else obviously he said no. He acts like he wants something serious he talks about how we wishes he had children with me instead and says he would love to have one more with me. The early days when when we were seeing each other (and sleeping together) and I was going through a separation I caught a post of his on a Facebook dating page saying he’s looking for a serious relationship and someone to have kids with etc but I let this go as we were really dating properly then but maybe that was stupid of me because at this point he had aleady told me he loves me and wants to be with me why would you be posting on a dating site if that was true, but at this point he would say he loves me all the time and I would never say it back because I wasn’t ready to so stupidly I put it down to him maybe not being sure if I really liked him. It’s hard to judge him saying he loved me quite fast because I had really strong feelings for him in the beginning which were genuine.

So youve never been to his actual house, and he only see you once a week, during the week, for sex. Could see you on a weekend night, but doesn’t.
Sounds like he’s not actually single sorry.

He acts like he wants something serious he talks about how we wishes he had children with me instead and says he would love to have one more with me.

Future faking.

Putting the deal breaker of rape aside, this guy contacts you when he wants a booty call, gives you some love bombing, and comes over to have sex with you. If he wanted a relationship with you, you would be in one and integrating your lives, not just having sex at your place. Have you met his friends or family?

You've been really smart not to introduce your son. Don't do it.

This guy is shadier than polar night on Svalbard. Run. Don't talk to his ex, just run.

Quoted for emphasis:

"This guy is shadier than polar night on Svalbard. Run."

Honestly OP the more you post the more glaring the red flags are. There are so many things you’ve said that individually set alarm bells ringing, put together they add up to more red flags than the Russian army parading through Moscow,

There are a lot of middle aged men who deliberately target much younger women because of the power dynamic and because women their own age would spot the red flags a mile off.

If you were my daughter I would have huge concerns

Him following loads of young 'models' is a bit of an ick for a man that age.

But nothing else screams horrendous. I guess just take things slowly. Don't let him move in or take money off him. Be cautious but try and think of the best case scenario. He's a nice guy who seems really keen on you.

He doesn't communicate heavily every single day. But tbh he's my age and we grew up dating before constant texting and contact was the norm. So it could just be his gen x communication style.

100%

Sorry OP but this bloke is straight from the cliched wronguns handbook 101.

Posters have highlighted lots of red flags here already. It makes me think you don’t value yourself enough.

Always listen to your instincts, they are there to protect you.

Besides all of that, doesn’t his instagram make you want to🤮

Pull back. Cease messaging. Observe his actions and reactions. That will help you.

Your instuition is telling you something.

OMG, this is now a real red flag parade.

They always tell you the things they did and call them false accusations, because they are getting their story in first before you hear it from someone else.

Abusers usually seem lovely and kind at first - after all, it's a rare woman who would continue seeing a man who punched and raped her on the first date.

Your confusion is the biggest red flag, because it shows you know the truth in the back of your mind, and you know the action you should take, and you are trying to convince yourself otherwise because you have feelings for him.

At the very least you are not a priority for him, and if he was genuinely wanting to share his life with you, he'd be seeing you at the weekend and he'd have shown you around his house, however much of a mess it is.

But from your updates he sounds like a total liar and sleazy dangerous fake.

The rape allegation is serious, and as others have said he is trying to pre-empt it with his story. At the very least it shows how acrimonious the marriage got.

There's no question that you need to end things, but I think you have to be careful with it for your own personal safety. Slowly taper things off, don't blame him (because this may anger him), just start making yourself unavailable, start distancing yourself etc.

yup.

feels like hes just after sex. love bombing you to get it.

of course he says he wants kids with someone lovely, who wouldn’t. the practice is fun (i hope youve good contraception ie pill and comdoms ss hes potentially sowing it around) especially if youve a comfortable house and know how to look after others. thats his comfort sorted. great.

its not looking good. sorry op but if you were my daughter i’d be getting the box of tissues and tub of ice cream ready. raspberry or chocolate sauce?

@TalulahJP

i have contraception we have unprotected sex as he struggles to “perform” with a condom on- or so he says we haven’t tried but sometimes he takes a while to be “ready” for sex and lasts a long time which I don’t mind because I do have a high sex drive, I did have an sti check quite recently though which was all clear.

The comments from everyone has really helped me see it from others perspectives because I feel like I can’t fully trust my own when I have feeling for him and generally overlook some things that others wouldn’t. I don’t know why I find the idea of not seeing/speaking to him really hard because I genuinely have fallen for him 😔 but maybe it’s for my own best interests in the long run

@Sheshappy123 ive read your up dates . He’s a player !!!!
Id stop having unprotected sex with him or sex at all, and get re tested .

He is nice because you have no demands on him and he is getting to do as he pleases .
I think it’s best you end this tbh.

JFC OP - every update it gets worse and worse. You seem to just blindly take every word this man tells you as gospel

I fear the fact you seem to really like him is blinding you to the reality of the fact he’s a living breathing textbook red flag on legs. I fear you’re going to be end up very badly burned

you must stop having sex wirh this man.
now.
the std that causes infertility is invisible and you cannot feel it or smell it on him so nobody knows if he’s got it. not even him.

if he has, you may already be unable to have children in future. you must get tested asap. and stop pandering to his lies. hes a player. im 100% sure now.

i know a woman who caught an std from her husband who’d been with a prostitute just the once and he caught something and gave it to his lovely wife. it started spreading at her bits unril she had to go to the clinic and subsequently had to have her cliteris and surrounding area removed. she will therefore not orgasm ever again.

what youre doimg is silly. women still catch aids too. the medication for that exists but you domt want to catch it. you cannot get rid of it. ever. i believe it still shortens your life sadly.

is he, a man who has made no commitment to you at all and lives in an office, worth dying for?

you must have such low self esteem if you allow this rejationship to continue. value yourself. value your body. you're worth so much more than that prick who is using you.

you get tested and treated by the clinic if require, i hope you’re not pregnant.

move on. dont look back.

we all make mistakes. hes one. move forward. if you’re not sure how to end it tell him your child has been playing up amd not well and you need to spend more time with him/her so you need to take a break from dating him.

On point one, I think it depends whether or not you’re at a similar point emotionally and practically in life as to whether the age gap matters and only you can tell that. My DH is 12 years older than me but when we met (me mid-late twenties, him late thirties) we were both living alone, both in similarish jobs, both had long term exes but had never been married never had children. So very similar. And we’re been together almost 2 decades now, married 2 kids. There was no power imbalance, he was just a late starter in life and I had left home very early and was quite career focused and we were at the same place financially and mentally a decade in age apart.

HOWEVER - every other one on this list I fully agree with.

Listen to your gut above all else.

@TalulahJP i did have an sti check recently which was clear and he did too and showed me
his results were clear, it was him that suggested getting tested as he said he was having burning when passing urine. I have the coil so I’m safe regarding pregnancy

@Theonlywayicanloveyou we are in similar life stages (aside from age) coming out of very long term relationships/marriages with children but financially he’s ahead of me and has a better paid job than me

That's because he's a player. One of the red flags on its own isn't enough to say that the guy is dodgy but what are the chances of five red flags, with the additional rape allegation and "can't perform with a condom"?

There is truth with the term "nice guys finish last" because you've fallen for this guy who gets worse with each further update and appears to anyone else to be all sorts of dodge. This is how players operate, don't feel disheartened that you've been duped, but take this as experience.

Again it gets worse! He now says that he experiences pain when urinating? Did you continue to have sex after this announcement? Surely any decent man would insist on either not having sex or at least using a condom until the results came in. (At this point it wouldn't surprise me if he faked the results).

I may sound as being critical, but I'm sympathetic towards you, I think you've been taken in by this man, and no doubt countless other women will be too.