Red flags in dating?

[Sheshappy123]

So I’ve been seeing this guy I met around a year ago… there a 16 year age difference (I’m 32 he’s 48) which doesn’t bother me as I’m really attracted to him we get along so well and always have a good time when were together always laughing etc, the sex is out of this world too although people have said to me that him going for younger women is a red flag and maybe he’s predatory or manipulative etc etc. There are a few things that I can’t shake off, like when were together his phone is completely silent like it’s on do not disturb he says he keeps it on silent so no one interrupts our time together (we usually see each other maybe once a week but we’re both busy, Im a single mum and hes divorced and has kids too) he occasionally takes me out on dates, he says he loves me and genuinely treats me that way when were together, I’ve fallen for him but for some reason feel like I can’t trust him completely but I don’t know if that’s because I’m generally anxious and came out of a long term unhappy relationship. He hasn’t met my children although we’ve spoken about it a little but I’m not ready for that. He seems genuinely concerned when I’m upset and has offered money when I talk to him about money worries although I always tell him its okay. Some days he’ll barely be in contact with me at all very minimal other days we’ll talk quite a lot but he rarely rings to talk to me. His whole instagram following is younger models etc which I find a bit strange. When I think back to the early days of us meeting he said I love you very early on and seemed very attached to me. Do I sound like I’m over thinking things or would any of this bring up red flags for you?

@NowStartingOver we didnt actually have sex until results came but that was because we generally didn’t see each other that week. But he has mentioned it again since then but yes I have continued having sex with him 😣 silly but maybe I’m too trusting when he told me that he had only had sex with one other woman that he met just after his divorce and before me. My results were clear though

There’s no maybe about you being too trusting - you 100% are!

This man has spun you line after line, waved a whole parade of red flags right in your face, everyone on telling you same thing and yet you seem determined not to take anything on board and I fear you will just carry on dating this walking red flag

that’s a relief your results were clear.
so far.
again, you just don’t know who else he is bumping uglies with.
you might not get away with it next time.

im sorry but it’s irresponsible to have unprotected sex with someone youve not even had the exclusive convo with.

i dont know if you’re just uneducated or silly but your mother would be horrified, as i think would anyone who loves you and knew about this. It’s all grim reading.

what did you get tested for? they dont routinely test for aids or hpv in the uk.
or another main one, think it’s hepatitis (unless you say he was a drug user which presumably you did not).
so youve likely been tested for a few things but not the full range. let’s hope you’re ok with the ones youve not been tested for….

the coil is pretty effective so that’s good. i think it’s only one woman in 200 or something that unfortunately falls pregnant with proper use. let’s hope that’s not you either. things happen though.
my pals tubes were tied and she got pregnant. whats the chances lol.

all in all i think everyone on this thread is freaked out by your meh 🤷‍♀️attitude. you don’t seem to fussed about stuff. i cannot understand how you can be like that with a guy you only see when he fancies sex, if he can manage to get hard, which may be linked to over use of porn by the way, or maybe just looking at the young women he follows. who knows. is he trying to address that? has he seen the gp? what was causing the pee burning he experienced as clearly somethimg was and is it treated and ok now.

@TalulahJP i don’t think it’s fair to say I’m silly or uneducated because I’m neither but it’s easier for other people to see things when they are outside of the box and don’t have any feelings for this man. It’s not that I’m just being unbothered it’s just harder for me to accept that I’ve been made a fool of and the man that makes me laugh and shows genuine care for me (which again no one else here has been the one experiencing that) has probably been playing/using me all along

and no my mum wouldn’t be horrified she abandoned me when I was a child 🤣

Also, on the age gap again, long term this is a real issue. He can't work that well now (the condom issue) notwithstanding all the other red flags.
I'm much older than you at 49 and believe me, men of 65 hold no appeal whatsoever (the same age gap)

@ThatAquaRobin i had thought about that because I find him attractive now but would that really be the case as he got older and the age gap becoming more obvious

I forgot to add the rape accusation really gives me doubts if that was true because his ex wife sometimes lets him in the house to see their son would you do that if your ex husband raped you? Again I’m not dismissing it completely. But he also says he’s in the process of suing her for false accusation

Please be careful with this way of thinking.

I've been told that I wouldn't behave in a certain away around my ex if what I've said about him is true... It's a very damaging thing to say/damaging way to think.

So back to the point of the thread.
In the beginning I thought 'The Instagram thing would bother me but I think the rest is alright' then I thought 'Theres no clear reason why he only sees her once a week & doesn't take her on dates now? If he's so busy with his house then they could meet for an hour at a pub for lunch or something' (if you are available for that!) just to spend some time together/build the relationship...

But now, the more you've said, I agree with others, it's just not good.

Lots & lots of Red flags.

At this point I think you should stop listening to the words he uses. Anyone can talk the talk if they put their minds to it. Step back a little and start observing his actions as these are the only things that count in any relationship. If you can't face a break up ATM then become less available for sex and monitor his reaction. Please be careful. Btw the performance with condom issue is likely true and may be down to a porn addiction.

@YouBusy we used to meet for pub lunches, out to bars, for dinner etc but that slowly stopped, although childcare is a bit trickier for me now than it was when we first met. Although he rarely initiates going out anyway. He recently mentioned a holiday and was going to book and pay for it all (wasn’t cheap at all) but in the end childcare fell through with my children’s dad. Just little things like this make me think why would he do all that just to have someone for a booty call. But maybe I’m just blind to everything because I like him and he’s reeled me in hook line and sinker.

@Bonkers1966 he messaged last night (we hadn’t talked all day) just saying “hey” 🙄 I haven’t messaged back but I think I’m going to slowly pull things back I guess his reaction will tell me everything. I do know already that he watches a lot of porn, he will send me random links to whatever he’s watching and I have to admit that does make me cringe

Sheshappy123 Is there any possibility that he knew that the holiday likely wouldn't be able to happen due to your childcare? So he said that he'd pay etc but in his mind he thought 'I doubt this will happen but it will make me look good!'

I may be way off there but it just came to mind on reading about the holiday.

I've done the dating with limited childcare btw, & I know that it's hard.

Do you mean that he sends you links to porn?

Women are often forced to continue dealing with their rapist, especially when they have children with the rapist.

You should believe HER, not him. The entire system in the UK is stacked against women who have been raped. Only 5% of the 200 000 annual rape cases - already a very underreported crime - go to prosecution, and only half of those actually get convicted. It's witheringly hard to get a fair outcome when you're a woman who was raped by her husband.

@YouBusy i mean yeah that’s possible he does know childcare is tricky for me. But he also offers me money when he sees I’m upset with money issues but maybe he already knows I would say no anyway. Yes he’ll send me links to porn of whatever he’s watching and I do find that off putting

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta i do understand that and I’m not saying it definitely didn’t happen, I guess I couldn’t even make a fair enough judgement since I know his side of the story only

Sheshappy123 Have you told him that you don't like him sending those?

A lot of it regarding money etc is guess work really isn't it, & we can all sit here & assume/wonder etc but I think that your gut is clearly telling you that something isn't right.

And I agree with LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta. Trying to still be amicable with your ex, for the sake of your child, despite what your ex did to you, is very difficult. But we do it anyway.

@YouBusy to be honest it’s not that I minded him sending them but now I think back to it on top of all the other things I looked over it just adds to my thought that this was all just for sex. I did bring up my thoughts to him a few months ago telling him I don’t want to just be used and he assured me that he loves me and said he just wants to take things slowly. He has two older teenage daughters and he said one of them only talks to him a little and the other one doesn’t want anything to do with him he didn’t really say why just that they both sided with their mum. He did paint a picture that he was a perfect husband, provided financially everything she needed, built a home for them, did things in the house, cooked etc and was there for his children so in my head he came across as the perfect man but how much of what he told me is actual reality I don’t know

Just be careful. Just in case it's not true.

I fell for a very similar story with an ex, he provided everything, she was horrible & just wanted his money etc & it took me a long time to realise that it was all lies. I can see it now & I look back & think 'Why couldn't I see the glaring Red flags?!' but you don't, do you, because if men showed us their true colours instantly then we'd never get with them in the first place, would we!

"He has two older teenage daughters and he said one of them only talks to him a little and the other one doesn’t want anything to do with him he didn’t really say why just that they both sided with their mum."

Because they saw what he did to her. They saw the real him, OP.

This pretty story he's telling is full of lies.

An honest and decent man would also not paint his ex-wife - the mother of his kids - as an evil gold-digging harpy.

Be VERY VERY careful, OP. You've been spun a pack of lies by a man who probably DID rape his wife. That is a manipulative and dangerous man.

There are other men out there for you, OP. Men who won't use you for sex, men who will like you for who you are, men who will be a support and an addition to your life, men who will make you feel safe.

Does this man make you feel safe?

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta the thing is I feel very safe around him he's never made me feel otherwise BUT if everything hes told me has been a lie then I guess I truly can’t even trust my own judgement anymore. And I feel like I should be able to spot bad men from a mile off, my mum had a partner she spent 16 years with that physically abused us and her and sexually assaulted my younger sister who had severe autism and disabilities and was convicted and spent 5 years in jail for it. So i feel like I should spot red flags but maybe you become blind to them when you really like someone

i feel like good men are rare these days and I feel like maybe I’ll never meet one

I'm very sorry what that unspeakable man did to your poor little sister, and you and your mother.

With regard to you feeling safe with this guy, some abusers have extremely good masks, they are very performative and manipulative, and they can keep the act up for a long time. Have you ever said no to him? That's usually when the mask starts falling off.

It can be hard to detect red flags when you're emotionally involved, or should I say, it's hard to ACT when you start seeing red flags and you're emotionally involved.

But your subconscious is telling you something important.

Why don't you do a Clare's law application?

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta There was one time when I went to see him and I’d only been there 30 seconds before he was trying to take my clothes off and I didn’t say no but I said to him are we at least going to talk and have a catch up first and he said “typical woman” which kind of bothered me

How does a Clare’s law application work? Will they disclose information if there’s any record of abuse etc? He wouldn’t find out or be notified would he? I imagine not

When you are 48 he will be 64, bear that in mind.

This is what AI says:

Clare's Law, also known as the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS), allows individuals in the UK to request police information about a partner's history of abusive behavior to assess potential risks. Applications can be made by the person concerned (Right to Ask) or on behalf of someone else with their consent (third-party request).

Eligibility
You can apply if you're worried about your own partner's past violence or abuse, or if you're a friend/family member concerned for someone else's safety (with their consent). Police prioritize cases with genuine concerns, not speculation. Applications go to the police force where the person at risk lives.

Application Steps

• Initial contact: Use an online form on your local police website (e.g., via police.uk/ClaresLaw), call 101, visit a station, or contact via their site. Provide your name, address, DOB, and basic details about the person of concern. Police run quick checks for immediate risks.
• ID verification and interview: Within 10 days, attend a face-to-face meeting (or virtual if needed) with proof of ID like passport, driving license, utility bill, or bank statement. Share relationship details and concerns for a full risk assessment.
• Police review: They check records; if there's a risk, info is disclosed to the applicant safely (directly or via third parties). Process takes about 25 days on average.

Key Tips
Always prioritize safety—call 999 for emergencies. Consent is required for third-party apps and can be withdrawn. Processing varies by force and case complexity.

Jesus christ, why would you take a risk like that, especially when you have kids? You're aware of how low the stats are for rape convictions, yes?

@Naunet because I genuinely believed him, it’s hard not to when you really like someone and believe they are a good person, I seem to always believe the best of people which is maybe my downfall. I see now that it’s a risk not worth taking

@Sheshappy123 I strongly suggest you fill out Claire’s law application on this guy