Red flags in dating?

[Sheshappy123]

So I’ve been seeing this guy I met around a year ago… there a 16 year age difference (I’m 32 he’s 48) which doesn’t bother me as I’m really attracted to him we get along so well and always have a good time when were together always laughing etc, the sex is out of this world too although people have said to me that him going for younger women is a red flag and maybe he’s predatory or manipulative etc etc. There are a few things that I can’t shake off, like when were together his phone is completely silent like it’s on do not disturb he says he keeps it on silent so no one interrupts our time together (we usually see each other maybe once a week but we’re both busy, Im a single mum and hes divorced and has kids too) he occasionally takes me out on dates, he says he loves me and genuinely treats me that way when were together, I’ve fallen for him but for some reason feel like I can’t trust him completely but I don’t know if that’s because I’m generally anxious and came out of a long term unhappy relationship. He hasn’t met my children although we’ve spoken about it a little but I’m not ready for that. He seems genuinely concerned when I’m upset and has offered money when I talk to him about money worries although I always tell him its okay. Some days he’ll barely be in contact with me at all very minimal other days we’ll talk quite a lot but he rarely rings to talk to me. His whole instagram following is younger models etc which I find a bit strange. When I think back to the early days of us meeting he said I love you very early on and seemed very attached to me. Do I sound like I’m over thinking things or would any of this bring up red flags for you?

He won’t be notified, no.

If there is anything to disclose you will have an appointment (could be online or in person, i think it varies) and somebody will take you through the info.

I thoroughly recommend doing it.

You can be a good person and still set boundaries and not allow yourself to be used or disrespected or taken advantage of. Good does not = doormat or receptacle or appliance.

Every update just gets worse.

I would personally find it grim if my boyfriend was sending me links to what porn he was currently masturbating to. I assume he is doing that to persuade you to recreate the activities when you see him?

And thinking back to the STD test. He got a pain in his penis and then asked you to get tested. Sounds like he is blaming you for his potential STD?

A lot of it is boundary pushing.

@NowStartingOver i think so because when he would send the links he’d say like oh you would love this

no he suggested that we both get tested he also did too

it does seem to me now that he’s testing how much I’ll accept

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child, that must have been horrific.

Sadly, it's often the other way around - growing up around abusive caregivers actually makes it much more difficult to detect abusive people as an adult. For lots of reasons, one being that as a child you learn to ignore your nervous system telling you that an abusive caregiver is unsafe. Because to acknowledge being dependent on an abusive caregiver would be very scary for a child's mind (it would make the child feel very powerless and unsafe). So then you learn to ignore your own instincts and find it very hard to notice an abusive person as an adult

But the instincts never go away, its more that we get really good at ignoring them/rationalising them away. But it sounds like your instincts are telling you again that there's something off with this man, so I would really be inclined to trust that instinct.

To be honest I believe in gut feelings and think you should follow yours. I’m done with giving men the benefit of the doubt now because later I find my gut was always right in the end.

Perhaps you feel safe with him because he feels ‘familiar’? Explore what is familiar to you, what people you grew up around and what types give you the feeling like you know what they are about. Every person we meet is an unknown to us but if we recognise same behaviours, talk and patterns in them that sometimes can give the impression that we know them and create the feeling of safety.

Taking your clothes off 30s after meeting and commenting ‘typical woman’ is him objectifying you and not giving two shits about how you feel. Same with sending links to porn.

His daughters not talking/barely talking to him is a huge red flag, as is his story about ex using him for house and money. It’s all their fault, they are the bad guys, he’s just a nice well meaning bloke taken advantage of. Riiiight🙄 You’ll be the next villain in his story, definitely.

its really odd to be living in an office - even if the house needs doing up

@BeenThereBackThen its funny you say that because when I first met him it felt like I already knew him if that makes sense, like he felt quite safe and comforting if you know what I mean. I’ve heard people saying women that go for older men have “daddy issues” and that makes me cringe but maybe it has some truth to it because I grew up without my dad

@LucyLoo1972 it is strange but it does seem like the house be bought is not really liveable right now

SHESHAPPY123. Have you seen inside the house he's doing up ? If not ask him to show you around and look for his reaction.

@Mumek i haven’t been there no, he has sent a few pictures of it. Although he used to talk a lot about how progress with it is going and lately he’s just gone silent about it

does he even really have this house?

Your instincts are always correct.

@LucyLoo1972 i couldn’t even tell you if he 100% does but he said one of the directors of the company he works for owns the house and says he’s waiting for his marital home to be sold (although the ex wife doesn’t want to sell apparently) he said this is the issue he’s having as he says he’s waiting for his % of the house sale to officially buy this other house from this director, but he says he’s letting him start work on it in the meantime

I totally agree with this. Sadly growing up with abuse makes you a lot more vulnerable to predators who seem to know how to manipulate women who aren’t as aware of the glaring red flags and whose blunders they can push.

Im going to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever read a thread on MN where a man is such a blatant liar and has so many obvious red flags. Every update gets worse and worse with evidence this is a very very bad man.

None of his stories make the slightest bit of sense - nothing adds up. He’s a porn obsessed predator who seems to see you as nothing more than his sex doll

Please be very careful because this is not a good man.

@TwistedWonder i think I’m starting to see that now and I feel quite sad about it because I really like him (I know that sounds stupid because of all the red flags) but hard to explain maybe that’s how people get manipulated because if you spend time with him he seems like honestly one of the nicest men I’ve met, he makes me laugh and makes me feel safe (again I know that sounds silly)

He knows that somethings up because I’ve not really responded much to any of his messages I told him that I’m just really stressed and going through some stuff (which is true) but I guess if he really cared or “loves me” like he says he does he would at least phone me to make sure I’m ok. I guess there’s my answer

Following young models is just 🤮

This sounds like such fucking BULLSHIT.

Anything this complicated is complete BULLSHIT. Or there's something really criminal going on.

And btw, you feeling like you immediately knew him when you met him - OP, this is the dead giveaway of a con artist.

Predators start by targeting vulnerabilities like loneliness, then they form "friendships" through empathy, it makes their victim feel understood and heard. It's like opium to lonely people. "Nobody gets you like I do." Then the predator isolates you while testing your boundaries - and often they play a looong game, like months/years. Then, when thye've got you all primed, they start to exploit and consume you. And it's all wrapped up in shadows and weird stuff, but because your needs are getting "fed", the cognitive dissonance starts to make you gaslight yourself.

OP, this man is a predatory con artist who has already raped a woman, whose own children don't want to see him, who is telling you absolute fucking BULLSHIT stories. I'm hoping at this stage that all he wants from you is sex, and that he's not setting you up for something worse.

OP, you need to get your head out of the clouds. You're a mother, your children need you to be healthy and safe, not being preyed on and drained.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta im confused what you mean by setting me up for something worse? What else could he want me for except sex?

ive just remembered that within the first 10 minutes of meeting me he was telling me a little too much for someone he’s just met, like about how things went wrong with his wife and said that you can be with someone for years and not really know them and that she used him for money etc

So he's putting his 💰 into renovating his boss's home that isn't even liveable.

Say that out loud. He's either a complete moron or he's lying. I would guess every time he opens his mouth he's lying.

You're letting a possible rapist use you for unprotected sex and telling you wild lies.

You have a kid. You can't afford to let some shady ass dude take you for a ride. Is your kid's father around to take your kid in case this all goes south? Because this is heading no place good for you.

None of us on here think that you are silly/stupid or anything else. It's alright to feel sad.

A lot of us have fallen for men like this ourselves in the past.

Big hugs to you. xxx

I’m not sure how to cut things off with him, I’m a little worried because he knows where I live, he knows where I work and he also has explicit videos of us (yes I agreed) please don’t make me feel worse with this because I also feel so stupid for being far too trusting

@outerspacepotato he said his boss has lent him some money to do the place up and that he’s paying him back when he gets his house sold apparently.

Regarding ending it, do it by text/phonecall & get a friend/male? To come with you to collect any stuff/collect it for you.

I don't know about the videos. Maybe call the police non emergency line & see what they advise?

Con men will take whatever you've got, OP. Including money. You might think you're not rich - I have NO idea about your financial circumstances, this is just to illustrate what I'm talking about - but con men WILL and DO remorsely pluck poor people - widows, single mothers, elderly women, women who are seriously ill. They get them to borrow money from banks/family/friends, or "lend" them their small savings, the predator takes it all, and when it's all drained or the woman can't borrow any more money, the predator walks away.