My husband has left me

[Adviceseeker35]

Im sorry this could be long.

My husband came home from work Thursday barely speaking to me and was the same yesterday morning. He gets like this so I left him.

Got home from work and within minutes he said he couldn't handle this anymore and he was leaving me once he took our son swimming. I wouldn't let him do the swimming and told him to go. He said he doesn't feel loved and he dreads coming home to me and nothing has been right for years. He drove off and I found out from my brother in law where he went. I managed to speak to him on the phone later and he said were not worth trying to fix and he only supposes he loves me. He is coming home later.

I don't know what to do. One minute he's chatty and loving, and the next he's exploding at me saying he's leaving. This is not the first time he's stormed out. He really couldn't understand why I said I was upset.

@Meteorite87 Thank you for the advice about therapy language. Looking back I definitely think he's used in it against me in the past. It's also been made clear that it's all my fault. There's a lot of I and me when he talks.

Let him go.
Sounds miseable.
The poor cow who took him in will soon learn.

Sounds to me like he's fallen in love with his therapist. He's had validation from her during their sessions so everything must be your fault. 🙄
I'm glad you're working on lining up your ducks... 💐

There was another one he thought the world of previously and she was going to "fix everything" until he suddenly decided she was rubbish. See how long this one lasts for. I never show an interest in it apparently and that seems to be a big sticking point for him.

How are things going OP? are you still working towards leaving now you’ve had a few days to think it over? Sending hugs 🤗

Hi @MID50s. Thank* you for the message.*

I go between feeling devastated and shocked, and then feeling resolved and thinking I'm better off without him.

It's hard because during half term when we were getting on I stupidly thought we were getting somewhere, then he pulled the rug again. I'm finding it hard that with the exception of sleeping in separate rooms and no affection he's acting normally e.g. Chatting, wanting to watch tv, doing housework.

This is very strange behaviour on his behalf and you deserve better but thinking about it deep down do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that with this man?
hsve you sat down and talked it all through? What does he say when you mention depression/divorce and moving forward?

You are most welcome. It seemed like another possible element of manipulation that he might use.

In the middle of conversations (especially if emotions are high), you might not catch it. That's ok, because you're spotting it after.

You don't have to stay with someone who shows no regard for you.

I think he’s enjoying knowing it’s getting to you and he can keep toying with your emotions. If you can’t get him out of the house then grey rock him. Don’t show him any emotions. Pretend you’re over the relationship. Don’t give him any insights to your thoughts. Don’t let him control the narrative. If he’s in, pop out and see friends or go to the gym. No explanation other than you’re going out tonight.

Slowly your actions will align with your thoughts and feelings and it won’t be just for show. At that point, when he’s realised he has actually lost you and there is no going back be prepared the 180.

@MID50s I miss the lovely side to him, the side that appeared last week when we were out doing things , but i won't miss the other side. For example, Today we tried going for a walk. He was barely talking and kept dropping behind us.

He says he's not depressed. He stopped taking his tablets 18 months ago without discussion with his gp but it was discussed with his therapist.

I asked if he wanted a divorce but he wants to see how he feels in 4 to 6 months. He might change his mind but its unlikely as he says a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. I pointed out that I might not him back his time period and he said he'll just have to live with it.

Thank you everyone for listening. Writing it down is helping.

I feel You are being way too nice to him! You really need to toughen up and don’t say you ‘may not want him back’, if he ends it tell him that’s it.
I know you are upset and feel like your worlds upside down but he’s never going to change and if he’s saying he feels like a weight has been lifted then it’s something he’s been thinking of for a wile and something he wants.
this was how I felt after a 30 year marriage ended but we could have easily split up 5 years previous but I didn’t say anything because ‘life’ got in the way

OP you need to take some control here, not be dangled on a piece of string for 4-6 months while he decides what he wants. He is being cruel to you. He can't expect life to carry on as normal in the meantime.

You need to stop living as a family. He has broken the family.

Start to put child arrangements in place, so he has DC 50/50 or EOW or whatever you both want to do.

Start making your own plans, one of you will have to move out so which one? Do you rent or own? See a solicitor, get some advice, but don't just be a passenger in your own life.

My XH said very similar "who knows, I might feel differently in 6 or 8 months".

I wasn't prepared to sit around while he waited to see what happened with his "new friend".

Seperate lives means just that. Don't do his washing or buy his favourite food or spend evenings in together after your child has gone to bed.

Have a rota for who cooks dinner / cleans up and who is the responsible parent on a given day and he needs to plan school drop iffs, lunches, uniform etc on his days. Organise to do things for you on your evenings/ weekends 'off' so you aren't regularly hanging out together.

He wants to seperate then he needs to step up, doesn't the convenience of having you take care of him or get to play happy families when it suits him.

The entitlement of your not-so "D"H is unreal. He sounds as tho he really expects everything to go his way. Even to the point of expecting you to continue jumping through hoops to keep HIS life comfortable.

He has verbally opted out of your marriage so he should not expect attentiveness from you.

Please put yourself and DS first.

Of course he can understand why you are upset. He's just choosing to pretend he can't. And if he really can't, divorce him for being thick.

Thank you for the messages. He'd blame his asd and adhd for not understanding.

I've spoke to a counsellor through work and I'm getting some sessions booked which I think will help me. Though I think he'll be very surprised that I've gone down this route, even though he swears by therapy.

It’s great that you are getting some help but what’s the therapy for and what are you hoping it will achieve?
you need to tell him it’s over and getting your new life without him sorted

I think I just need some outside help to pull all my thoughts together and help me with what happens next. I feel like a failure.

I feel like I'm grieving. It's hard as he's still there every day and I get reminders of the nice person, and I think that's what I'm grieving.

I've got an appointment with legal today as well.

Speaking to someone objectively "outside" of your situation is a good idea.
Getting legal advice for yourself is so important.
Gentle reminder that you don't have to tell H anything.

Some of his behaviour might link you back to happier memories but none of his behaviour now is "nice".

What a rotten situation for you.

Of course, he thinks he holds all the cards with all this "he will decide what happens next."

You may find he sings a very different tune when you tell him that you will be deciding what happens next and back this up with a letter from your solicitor.

He's enjoying the power and has probably decided already that he won't be going anywhere but doesn't want to give up being a little Pol Pot at the moment.

Personally, I wouldn't take him back because this is something he enjoys doing. It makes him think he is somebody and that someone else has to dance to his tune. That's addictive and he probably won't be able to resist doing it again.

Take his crown off and stick it on your own head. Watch him crumble.

I feel like a failure.

You are definitely not a failure OP.

Don't take the blame for a situation which is not of your making.

And you are right to talk things through in counselling sessions.

And right to get legal advice.

Best wishes to you

Was very really low today then came home to find he'd left the kitchen in a mess. Definitely strengthened my resolve.

He's getting himself a bed as there's "zero chance" of moving back into our room. Then is talking low wages of other people and how he's never afford a mortgage so it must be awful for other people.

Then he's talking about getting out roof fixed and joking with me. A small house for me and my son is getting easier to picture. Especially after getting legal advice and counselling is booked.

Thank you everyone. You've been helping save my sanity.

Grey rock him. Pompous prick.