My husband has left me

[Adviceseeker35]

Im sorry this could be long.

My husband came home from work Thursday barely speaking to me and was the same yesterday morning. He gets like this so I left him.

Got home from work and within minutes he said he couldn't handle this anymore and he was leaving me once he took our son swimming. I wouldn't let him do the swimming and told him to go. He said he doesn't feel loved and he dreads coming home to me and nothing has been right for years. He drove off and I found out from my brother in law where he went. I managed to speak to him on the phone later and he said were not worth trying to fix and he only supposes he loves me. He is coming home later.

I don't know what to do. One minute he's chatty and loving, and the next he's exploding at me saying he's leaving. This is not the first time he's stormed out. He really couldn't understand why I said I was upset.

Common op, don’t allow this ‘man’ walk all over you. Tell him at the minute, you’re housemates, the end. Why are you letting him call the shots? One day, you’ll be glad to be rid of him and if ur kid is like mine, they will be relieved he’s gone.

Unfortunately you can't force him to leave if the house is co-owned. But what you can do is sit him down and tell him that you are living seperate lives until you sell the house and divorce. No playing happy families, no spending time together, no shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning up after him. Look after yourself and your son and get some legal advice asap. Don't let him take you for a fool. You deserve better and I also suspect there's another woman, not necessarily an affair but he's had his head turned.

He doing a head fuck on you.
how dare he dictate to you what he wants

No you can’t chuck him out but you can ask him to leave as you don’t want him there, he’s obviously not going to because he’s not fully got it sorted all yet but you don’t have to put up with his sick minded playing happy families

you need to cut ties with him just like it’s you & ds alone.
No washing clothes, changing beds, cooking, shopping etc etc
separate ways
and I definitely wouldn’t play his head fuck games, what’s on tv he’s sick

im sure you can start claiming UC as you in the same house but separated

please don’t let him dictate and fuck your head up playing mind games with you
get some self esteem and stand up for yourself and your son

My dh has acted very similar. Said he wanted to split up, next morning he didn't, a month later he did and then a few months later he didn't!
Well fuck that. I've lost all trust in him. He had also asked about the open relationship thing but I think it was just to get me to panic and sleep with him as we'd had a few ussues due to resentment. So I already had my guard up.I have to prepare to leave at some point once ducks are in a row. Otherwise I'll not be able to get a mortgage as I'll be too old. He acts as if everything's ok. I'm not waiting around for the time he changes his mind again.

I feel for you. It's shit that someone you love can have that much disrespect for you that they can't be honest and open. It's also cruel to play on someone's feelings like that. Do they even realise the hurt they cause? Totally selfish.

Absolutely this. I've been a 'husband pleaser (both exH) twice in my life and never again. If you're in this situation OP he doesn't love you, nor even like you very much. Life is short and for children, the younger he/you leave the better. I was terrified my DC would be badly affected from our 'broken home' - I managed to co-parent with a living nightmare, but they are now both post Uni, emotionally stable young adults, living with partners in their first homes with promising careers. I wish I'd trusted my gut years ago. Good luck. X

This is going to be really hard for you but sit him down and tell him you accept he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Therefore you need to decide how custody of your son is going to look, does he want every other weekend etc? Then stick to it, even if living in the same house. Stop doing family days out, eating together, watching TV together etc. Tell him you are now essentially housemates so how are chores etc going to be split fairly. When it’s his time with your son, make sure you go out, don’t tell him where, as he has no right to know any more.

In fact if I were you and feeling really brave I’d tell him you want to go out either tomorrow night or next weekend. When he asks where you are going tell him it’s none of his business anymore. Get dressed up, either see a friend, take yourself to see a late film at the cinema, even go for a long drive. Just basically something that gets you out of the house for a few hours, gets him thinking and winds him up because he doesn’t know where you are.

@Notknowingwhatsgoingon I'm sorry that's happening to you. Sounds horrible. My husband also wanted an open marriage as I wasn't "meeting his needs". I think if I did take him back he'd chance his mind as well.

I don't think they do realise the hurt as they focus on themselves.

It’s ALL about themselves, hence why he walked out then went to a party !!!!

He actually stayed to watch tv tonight and was chatting like nothing has happened.

He seemed confused that I wasn't in a chatty mood.

Just seen your thread - my love he sounds horrific. HOW DARE he say "he may change his mind in a few months"? And in the meantime time, dictate what you are and are not "allowed" to do together. It's absolute mind games and designed to torment you and grind you down.

Don't let it! Tell him he needs to find somewhere else to be.

I had a partner who used to do this kind of shit to me. Eventually he went too far, and when he kicked me out I took him at his word. When I actually moved on and wouldn't have him back he was devastated, crying and begging.....

There should be a special place in Hell for men who play these games.

You sound like you are being incredibly strong - well done! It must be so hard......

I really think he's really messing with your head.

Either that or he is completely devoid of any emotional intelligence.

Ducks in a row OP ... 💐

I'm definitely looking at planning ahead now. I can also get counselling through work which I will be doing.

He has no empathy or emotional intelligence.

He saw his therapist today and some of his phrases sounded like learnt phrases he's picked up from her. He has told me that he loves her too.

The more I write the more I see I'd be better off just me and my son. Thank you everyone

So do you think he’s fascinated by his therapist and this is where it’s all stemmed from? He sounds a bit delusional!

He loves his therapist?

what kind of bullshittery is that?

Time to get the ball rolling on a divorce

When this all kicked off a couple of weeks ago I suggested couples counselling. He refused as he said he didn't want to give up his therapist as he loves her.

God, OP, he's a loon. A selfish, self-focused loon who feels like the world owes him everything he thinks he wants, when he thinks he wants it.

TBH, I'd say you should get rid of him on this basis alone - he's unpredictable and shows little sign of being able to support you and his child should you need it. Given the utterly awful way he's treating you, getting angry and getting legal advice look like the only sane way forward. He actually isn't treating you as a person with your own rights, needs and feelings; more as an inconvenient convenience!

I'm very sorry for what you've been going through, so much confusion and uncertainty. Please abandon all ideas of being 'fair' to him or trying to negotiate reasonably. He's been saying and showing he wants to be divorced for ages now. This is where you can give him what he thinks he wants - on YOUR terms.

Wishing you the best, and all the informed support you need

Probs shagging someone else. Be clever, read up on how to handle it well

Email his therapist and tell her that he has told you he loves her. She will move him along to another therapist.

OP, if he is diagnosed as ASD, since you specifically mentioned "He has no empathy or emotional intelligence." then it's no wonder he switches on and off at the blink of an eye. Unless you've lived with someone formally diagnosed as autistic or diagnosed yourself, adults can be high functioning and you will need to understand how you and your son will need to interact with him. He'll also have to get exercises to understand the condition better and how to interact better in stressful situations. I've lived it, as so many others have, and it's not an easy road but you'll need to still co-parent.

I'm sure all of these well-intentioned posters with the glass houses who know him better than you do, knows that it's not always about another woman but it feeds their insecurity to not be held accountable for their own actions. Follow through with a qualified clinician who has adult diagnosing experience (not the therapist), and go from there. It's easy for people to throw out divorce not knowing the entire situation, but speak to your own therapist and figure out your best path forward.

Well done, it’s going to be hard but you are definitely starting to formulate the end plan in your mind.

this week start separating your lives within the world that you currently live in, as mentioned above separate rooms and tv etc

@NumbersGuy, I'm heartily sick of autism being assumed in virtually all cases of some poor woman's partner or family member being a selfish wanker. It's not very complimentary to people with the condition, is it? OP's selfish wanker hasn't been diagnosed.

If autism = selfish wanker, I'm afraid all that stuff about 'just being different' and trying to make allowances is off the table.

In like vein, people with autistic partners owe them NOTHING beyond a bit of stepwise communication when needed, and taking their difficulties with change into account - if they feel like it. The idea that partners must sacrifice their own emotional well-being and that of their children to the mighty ND is pernicious, to put it mildly. Responsibility and consideration are two-way streets.

[edited as I'd missed his apparent self-diagnosis]

He's at the final stage of his ASD diagnosis.

I can't remember what stage his ADHD diagnosis is at.

What I'm finding hard is that he's switched off emotionally from me but expects me to carry on as normal with everything else, to make things easier for our son he says.

It's very much about what he wants.

Stay strong OP, you deserve better than this 💕

Well, @Adviceseeker35, somebody with ASD, ADHD, a PhD and any other acronym can be a selfish, uncaring wanker. They can even have NPD or be a plain old CF.

How about SUWD? (Selfish uncaring wanker disorder!)

@Adviceseeker35 With his behaviour as you've outlined it already and noticing he is using therapeutic terms, please be aware of something else he might do: Weaponise therapy language.

He might start using the terms he learns against you by positioning them in a FALSE narrative where you receive all the blame for circumstances.

Eloquently framed lies are still lies.