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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me

148 replies

Adviceseeker35 · 07/02/2026 05:31

Im sorry this could be long.

My husband came home from work Thursday barely speaking to me and was the same yesterday morning. He gets like this so I left him.

Got home from work and within minutes he said he couldn't handle this anymore and he was leaving me once he took our son swimming. I wouldn't let him do the swimming and told him to go. He said he doesn't feel loved and he dreads coming home to me and nothing has been right for years. He drove off and I found out from my brother in law where he went. I managed to speak to him on the phone later and he said were not worth trying to fix and he only supposes he loves me. He is coming home later.

I don't know what to do. One minute he's chatty and loving, and the next he's exploding at me saying he's leaving. This is not the first time he's stormed out. He really couldn't understand why I said I was upset.

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · 07/02/2026 12:50

Oh he’s fine . Well good for him 🙄

I think there’s 1 of 2 things going on here:

He’s fine as he’s just having one of his narcissistic tantrums and he’s confident you’ll take him back as usual and everything will go back to normal when he feels like it

or

He’s fine as he has someone else who is taking up his time and headspace and giving him somewhere to run off to.

Christmasinmecar · 07/02/2026 12:52

Please stop being his doormat, you are getting muddy.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 07/02/2026 12:53

Adviceseeker35 · 07/02/2026 07:17

This is the first time he's walked out and stayed away overnight. But it's been several times he's walked out during the day or evening and has refused to tell me if he's coming back or not.

He sounds like an annoying obstreperous child. If I were you I'd end the relationship

DiscoDuck40 · 07/02/2026 12:58

It's natural to ring and see if he's ok, it's almost impossible to completely switch off old habits and feelings. But you're about to have a different sort of life. You will be very glad to be rid of him in the long run, but it's hard getting there.
You're going to need to talk to him anyway if the house is to be put on the market...get some professional advice, OP, next week.

Luckyingame · 07/02/2026 12:58

Oh, fuck him.
Seriously, it will be hard to start with, but the peace for you afterwards!

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 07/02/2026 13:01

What do YOU want OP.

cloudtreecarpet · 07/02/2026 13:07

Adviceseeker35 · 07/02/2026 12:10

He's came back. He said he can't try anymore. We're beyond fixing and he doesn't love me anymore. He said he needs time to process and he'll decide what will happen next. He's left again as I said I he feels like that he shouldn't be around me. Then he's claiming he's only going because its what I wanted. Says there's no one else. No idea where he's gone

I am so sorry this is happening to you, it's such a kick in the guts to hear the person you are spending your life with say they don't love you.
I know it always sounds like people jump on a bandwagon saying "it's another woman" but it's so common for a man to announce he is unhappy, doesn't love you, be critical of you etc and for that to be driven by the conflicting feelings of guilt he feels about being unfaithful.

Even if there isn't another woman now, it might be that he wants there to be.

Whatever, he has said he doesn't love you and has treated your poorly. You deserve better.
Confide in someone you trust (keep it to a minimum for now) for support and find a solicitor so that you can get advice on how things might look for you in a divorce. Knowledge is power and it can take some fears of the future away.

CelticSilver · 07/02/2026 13:08

Did your son miss his swimming? He's being affected by all this much, much more than you realise.

cloudtreecarpet · 07/02/2026 13:10

CelticSilver · 07/02/2026 13:08

Did your son miss his swimming? He's being affected by all this much, much more than you realise.

What an insensitive and unhelpful comment to make at this point while the OP is still trying to understand what is going on.

TheMimsy · 07/02/2026 13:18

@Adviceseeker35 don’t make plans about the house/bills and work until you have got legal and financial advice on what support you can expect, any benefits you may be due etc.

Start collecting or photographing any financial info you may need (his wage slips, p60 etc).

good luck.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/02/2026 13:21

If it’s not another woman then he’s just checked out.

Let him go. As you say you can get a better paid job and move to a smaller house.

Get your ducks in a row re finances and see a divorce lawyer asap.

ASometimeThing · 07/02/2026 13:21

He sounds awful. Be angry, not submissive. Get some legal advice. Good riddance to him.

Dextersgoneovertherainbowbridge · 07/02/2026 13:59

TheThingOnTheIce · 07/02/2026 12:18

Oh ‘he’ll decide what happens next ‘ will he!
the fuck he will

My thoughts entirely!!
He’s really got you dangling, OP, hasn’t he!
Next time he leaves, don’t even hint at wanting to know when he’ll be back.
ask him where he’d like his list forwarded to. And if he says, well I might be back, or I’ll come and get it just say no, you’ve left and that’s it. My decision is that once you’re gone this time, that’s it.
Think of your poor son. Your husband is abusive. Plenty of folk with Autism/ADHD manage to not behave like this.

MissMoneyFairy · 07/02/2026 14:00

So he's fucked off to some sort of family event, were you and your son ever invited? Meanwhile you're sitting at home worrying about him, he is the one who should be worried, potentially losing his wife, son and home but no he's off out with his mates.family or ow.

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 07/02/2026 14:58

None of us were originally invited. It's probably an invite because he went round to see them.

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · 14/02/2026 20:05

how are things @Adviceseeker35?

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 14/02/2026 21:22

Hi, thank you for checking. He came back home Sunday morning and has been sleeping in our spare room (first time in ages it's had no junk in it but it was all his junk to start with). No idea what he wants and I don't know if he knows either. I'm arranging counselling for myself and researching future stages. Work was a nice distraction this week.

OP posts:
brightpinkchoc · 14/02/2026 23:24

Do you know what you want?

plasbks · 14/02/2026 23:26

Adviceseeker35 · 07/02/2026 05:31

Im sorry this could be long.

My husband came home from work Thursday barely speaking to me and was the same yesterday morning. He gets like this so I left him.

Got home from work and within minutes he said he couldn't handle this anymore and he was leaving me once he took our son swimming. I wouldn't let him do the swimming and told him to go. He said he doesn't feel loved and he dreads coming home to me and nothing has been right for years. He drove off and I found out from my brother in law where he went. I managed to speak to him on the phone later and he said were not worth trying to fix and he only supposes he loves me. He is coming home later.

I don't know what to do. One minute he's chatty and loving, and the next he's exploding at me saying he's leaving. This is not the first time he's stormed out. He really couldn't understand why I said I was upset.

You need to try to reframe this as the trash having taken itself out.

He's an abusive dick if he comes home not speaking to you. And yes, he's probably cheating.

Original poster
Adviceseeker35 · 15/02/2026 07:49

If I'm honest I have no idea what I want. It's all very confusing at the moment.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 15/02/2026 09:24

How did it feel when he wasn’t in the house, what is the atmosphere like now?

i completely get that it’s so confusing you need to work your way through it with baby steps.

  1. how do you see the relationship in 5 years time, is he still there? Are you still prepared to put up with this crap?
  2. what are the finances like? Do you have to start putting things in place to improve them?
  3. what is his demeanour like with ds? Is he engaging with ds like a dad should or is that or very confusing too?
  4. what sort of things do you do for you, when dc come along it’s very easy to lose yourself in the day to day routine of dealing with them and the household, I’m guessing the relationship hasn’t given you anything positive for a long while and I’m also guessing he has no intention of working on that.
  5. you said upthread he complained he doesn’t feel loved, when was the last time you felt loved?
are you off this week for half term? You really could do with getting out of the house and start working on your headspace.

its very easy for the mn vipers to say ltb, and that is probably what you ultimately need to do, but start taking a few moments here and there to get your head around things. Make sure you are in charge of the events in your life, you didn’t start this but you don’t have to be dictated to as to how it will work out. It sounds like he’s come home because it’s more convenient.

Whowhatwhere21 · 15/02/2026 09:49

I'm sorry you're going through this op. I have a partner who used to behave like this amongst other things. His issues actually turned out to be related to undiagnosed EUPD and ADHD. It took years of work from him for it to stop and also me learning how best to deal with it.
The fact you've let him back suggests you want to try and fix the situation. Have you actually put any boundaries in place? This is the only thing i could do in my relationship that made a difference. I tried and failed many times, but as soon as I turned a corner and stuck to my boundaries, things finally started to change.

brightpinkchoc · 15/02/2026 11:55

Adviceseeker35 · 15/02/2026 07:49

If I'm honest I have no idea what I want. It's all very confusing at the moment.

It sounds like you are still hankering after him?

Boomer55 · 15/02/2026 16:18

It might not be another woman, but either way it sounds to be over. 🌺

northernlight20 · 15/02/2026 17:36

my ex husband used to be exactly like this and yes, it was another woman

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