Hi I just want to get my feelings out, maybe a bit of sympathy too!
I had been with my bf for over 2 years, both mid 40s, not living together but fully committed. We’ve recently had a few tricky issues but had talked and were resolving them. I’ve supported him through a difficult time at his work and recently he’s done some hurtful/thoughtless things, which I felt showed he didn’t value any of my efforts for him or our relationship. I considered then ending it because I felt so devalued. He also became very passive and not interested in planning dates in recent weeks, I put it down to work stress but now I see that was probably him checking out. However he said all the right things when I raised the hurt I’d felt, so I was trying to forgive and forget, figuring we were both trying and wanted to get back on an even keel. I know his actions weren’t matching his words so I was guarded but trying.
Last week he was making plans with me for the next few weekends, making long term commitments, all seemed ok. Then all of a sudden last night he came over as usual and just says, not in so many words and kind of going round the houses, but basically it’s over.
Totally his right of course, but he’d given no sign at all of that decision having been made, at some point between earlier this week booking events with me, and last night when he announced it. He let me think we were going out over this coming weekend, let me think he was coming over for dinner as normal last night etc etc. We even had an intimate conversation about our sex life over the weekend, not phone sex but a very personal chat. According to him last night, he knew he was done already at the point of that phone call. But yet on Monday he was booking an event with me and on Tuesday I suggested a place to go this weekend which he seemed to enthusiastically agree to. But then just dropped that bombshell seemingly out of nowhere.
We talked for a couple of hours after, basically him unloading all of his ‘I don’t know what I want in the future’ ‘I can’t see me being able to give you the effort you deserve’ angst and pretty much using me as a therapist while I sat there fairly stunned. I understand he can choose not to be in any relationship for any reason, but none of his given reasons made any sense and I asked if he’d met someone else, or if I had done something that had suddenly changed his feelings, apparently not. And he couldn’t tell me why he’s allowed me to go on thinking one thing and acting fine while he’s decided prior that we were done, which seems so deliberately deceptive. I’d always thought of him as being an honest man and now I’m just questioning everything - was any of it real or was he always just going through the motions?
it’s so hard for me to process this. I know I have to accept his choice but then he was saying he still loves me, so attracted to me, but just can’t give me what he thinks I need and might want to travel the world and also thinks he might want to have kids (which he always knew was not on the cards for me and assured me he had no interest in having children - we are both mid 40s! So it’s a little late to be thinking that) It was like he threw everything at the wall to see what stuck and said he wanted to give me clarity and closure, but he actually gave me nothing but confusion.
I know I’m genuinely better off without his lacklustre attitude and I will eventually be fine with or without a partner, but his weird way of ending things has really hurt and it’s hard to reconcile the way he has done it with the man I thought I knew.