@Cambridgedropout I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Did you know your ex was avoidant, or is it something you’re piecing together afterwards? It’s absolutely crushing.
@AnotherNaCha as far as I can understand it, they are wired this way due to deep childhood trauma. What seems so simple to you and me obviously isn’t to them, but I can’t quite wrap my head around it. My ex, call him C, seemed so calculating in that last week or so with all the future planning, whilst knowing it was over - why do all that? It’s disgusting, and when I feel I start to miss him, I hold onto that thought. He was never the man I thought, so I’m missing…nothing.
I lead with honesty and openness and expect others to do the same. Not to say I’m naive, I’m very careful and mistrustful of men generally when dating, and with C I watched and waited and didn’t fully trust him or let him fully in for months. I assumed he was lovebombing, but it seemed to go on too long (however now I see that’s par for the course with avoidants). He managed to sustain it just long enough, then once he had me hooked and he wanted to label it serious, love, forever commitment etc etc, the effort slowly decreased as it became more real and I was the boiling frog, and here we are.
Recently and quite interestingly I caught up with my previous ex, I dated him for almost a year before C, let’s call this one D. I was researching avoidance and I realised D also fitted the traits. I guess I have a type that I attract and am attached to. That’s obviously what I need to work on! Anyway he has recently also been very abruptly discarded by his ex, about 6 months ago, so he’s more than had his karma now.
He’s absolutely broken. When he and I ended things it was more mutual. I’d spotted the disconnect, interpreted it as a slow fade, and washed my hands of him to be blunt. I had more energy for dating back then and had lots of options for dates, so didn’t worry too much about all of D’s mixed messages.
He is now a changed man. Lost nearly 3 stone and he wasn’t a large man to start with. Up at dawn hiking solo. Borrowing dogs for walks. He’s been reading ‘Attached’ and doing some self reflection, therapy, immersing himself and actually apologised to me for all the disconnecting avoidant shit he pulled when we were dating. Because I wasn’t fully invested in him I hadn’t noticed or it hadn’t bothered me too much. He was confusing yes, but we both knew it was never going to be serious, so I didn’t become anxious or try to pull closer, I just moved on. He has now realised how avoidant he was back then, and explained it to me a bit from his perspective. We got together with me being upfront about not wanting children and him knowing he did want marriage and a family, it was pointless starting anything of course. However our stupid dopamine and chemistry was very strong and we agreed to just start seeing each other casually, I was not too emotionally invested knowing we had an expiration date, and it was fun for a while.
He said there was one particular moment he suddenly felt overwhelmed with love and closeness to me and that ‘I felt like home’. Apparently he realised he just had to shut it down, it was too good and ‘that level of greatness couldn’t ever last’ is what he says. Instead of enjoying it for what it was, he pulled right back. He rationalised it to himself about it being the kids thing, our futures couldn’t align etc. Yet here we are, almost 4 years on, he still has not made any progress towards the wife and kids, heading to his mid 40s. Still saying maybe by the time he’s 50 he’ll have his house full of children.
The kids thing wasn’t an issue for C either, until it suddenly was. I think these types of men either subconsciously or deliberately date women who for one fundamental reason or another, are ultimately incompatible, probably unknown to the woman the whole time. They say they want what she wants to get the closeness they crave, but under it all know it’s not going to happen. It’s safer for them. They don’t have to fully reveal themselves because they know deep down there’s a huge obstacle, so why bother being fully vulnerable, keep up a veneer. Until they can’t any longer. Then they can walk away blaming that reason, I don’t/do want kids, I want to travel, I want XYZ, that one reason that was staring them in the face the whole time right from the start. Then they are not actually looking at themselves and why they are picking people they can’t align with, it’s all down to XYZ, not me, never me. There must be thousands of women out there looking for exactly what these men say they want - so why choose someone who has absolutely opposite life goals? It is most definitely they who are deeply flawed, not us! Obviously this is just my experience with 2 men but it seems odd they both had similar reasons for ending things.