Sudden Breakup, So Hard

[BlindsidedandBurned]

Hi I just want to get my feelings out, maybe a bit of sympathy too!

I had been with my bf for over 2 years, both mid 40s, not living together but fully committed. We’ve recently had a few tricky issues but had talked and were resolving them. I’ve supported him through a difficult time at his work and recently he’s done some hurtful/thoughtless things, which I felt showed he didn’t value any of my efforts for him or our relationship. I considered then ending it because I felt so devalued. He also became very passive and not interested in planning dates in recent weeks, I put it down to work stress but now I see that was probably him checking out. However he said all the right things when I raised the hurt I’d felt, so I was trying to forgive and forget, figuring we were both trying and wanted to get back on an even keel. I know his actions weren’t matching his words so I was guarded but trying.

Last week he was making plans with me for the next few weekends, making long term commitments, all seemed ok. Then all of a sudden last night he came over as usual and just says, not in so many words and kind of going round the houses, but basically it’s over.

Totally his right of course, but he’d given no sign at all of that decision having been made, at some point between earlier this week booking events with me, and last night when he announced it. He let me think we were going out over this coming weekend, let me think he was coming over for dinner as normal last night etc etc. We even had an intimate conversation about our sex life over the weekend, not phone sex but a very personal chat. According to him last night, he knew he was done already at the point of that phone call. But yet on Monday he was booking an event with me and on Tuesday I suggested a place to go this weekend which he seemed to enthusiastically agree to. But then just dropped that bombshell seemingly out of nowhere.

We talked for a couple of hours after, basically him unloading all of his ‘I don’t know what I want in the future’ ‘I can’t see me being able to give you the effort you deserve’ angst and pretty much using me as a therapist while I sat there fairly stunned. I understand he can choose not to be in any relationship for any reason, but none of his given reasons made any sense and I asked if he’d met someone else, or if I had done something that had suddenly changed his feelings, apparently not. And he couldn’t tell me why he’s allowed me to go on thinking one thing and acting fine while he’s decided prior that we were done, which seems so deliberately deceptive. I’d always thought of him as being an honest man and now I’m just questioning everything - was any of it real or was he always just going through the motions?

it’s so hard for me to process this. I know I have to accept his choice but then he was saying he still loves me, so attracted to me, but just can’t give me what he thinks I need and might want to travel the world and also thinks he might want to have kids (which he always knew was not on the cards for me and assured me he had no interest in having children - we are both mid 40s! So it’s a little late to be thinking that) It was like he threw everything at the wall to see what stuck and said he wanted to give me clarity and closure, but he actually gave me nothing but confusion.

I know I’m genuinely better off without his lacklustre attitude and I will eventually be fine with or without a partner, but his weird way of ending things has really hurt and it’s hard to reconcile the way he has done it with the man I thought I knew.

If you want to get to him then don’t give him your anger…silence is much stronger. You have to care to be angry. Silence will have him debating his worth in your eyes. To most people being irrelevant cuts deeper than anything. The not knowing how you feel means he isn’t afforded the closure he denied you.

Hmm I’m considering it. He doesn’t deserve any more of my time or attention no matter how much I want to know if he’d bother seeing how I am or want to spell out how shitty he’s been. It won’t touch him. However I do need to at least send him his ticket for the booked things, even if I don’t actually say a word. I’m not keeping them or paying him back for them, and I wouldn’t feel right about it if I didn’t.

I’m sure if he was that bothered he’d have been in touch to ask for them. Don't look for ways to contact him.

@Furning that’s true - but we did leave it as ‘yeah we’ll be friends, see you at the thing next week’ and off he toddled. Probably feeling very pleased he’d been such a nice guy and we were still mates. So he won’t think there’s any need to ask me about it at this point. Anyway just musings, I don’t particularly want contact for the sake of it, I’d send him the one ticket for each event, not expect any response and block. If I bother

Don’t bother. You’re not mates, and nor should you be. He’s a prick (who will try and hoover you).

@LoftyAmberLion I just read that book, thanks for the recc. I can certainly see the power of silence!

@Furning thanks. I’m not sure about the hoovering, he’s too passive to bother! Earlier I was feeling like morally I should give him his ticket because I’m certainly not sending the money back, and that’s basically stealing. Then again, he obvs knew what he was doing booking those things with his decision made so he probably doesn’t even care and figured the money was gone anyway. He stole time and energy from me with his dishonesty so perhaps I should see it as fair after all!

I don't think you have to block him.

I'd be as nonchalant as him/give off the not bothered vibes. That will give his ego a kick.

I wouldnt over think things either.

The bottom line is, the breaker upper never wants to be seen as the baddie (especially men in this situation) and will say anything to make themselves not look like the bad guy. So, the be friends thing is his ego's soft landing.

@goldylock I feel like blocking him might be seen as me being childish, and he’ll know he’s got to me. If he does get in touch I can always just ignore, much as I want to tell him how shit he’s been, he won’t care anyway, so I won’t. I can’t believe I’m a grown up even thinking about this! I wish I’d completely knocked back the whole ‘friends’ thing while we were talking, but I just instantly put on my ‘be cool and act unbothered’ mask. I wish I’d told him there and then!

Yes, but remember, you were in shock when you reacted to that news. So don't be so hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself now.

@goldylock thanks, it’s been such a massive headfuck I don’t know if I’m coming or going!

Does it really matter what he is thinking? You can't know what it is and you can't change it anyway. There could be infinite possibilities of thoughts. None of which are yours to manage or predict.
Blocking isn't an exercise of managing another person. It's a way to ensure a clean slate for you to move on. I have an ex who's been pursuing me for six years. Every three months like a clockwork. Here he is again. And it was destabilising. When I was single, when I was dating, when I was in a committed relationship, when the relationship ended. I was grieving the breakup from someone else and here my penultimate ex was with more of his bullshit. And then I saw it clearly - it didn't matter what he thought about me, what mattered was my emotional stability. So I blocked him six years on in utter disbelief that I didn't do it sooner.

The reason is clear, h doesn't have strong enough feelings for you. Maybe he has met someone else or had his head turned but it boils down to the same thing. Don't try to analyze him or attribute phycological issues as to the reason,,avoidant etc.The reality is that people don't break up with people they are in love with. They give you a bunch of crappy excuses to soften the blow but it alwasy comes back to the same thing.. the feelings just arent there anymore , if ever

Well, tell him now. No need for a scene, just say you're not feeling it, you are deleting his number, and you can be contacted for divorce proceedings via your solicitor if and when necessary.

Men rarely leave until they have someone else lined up. Be thankful he has gone and be extra nice to yourself.

I feel like blocking him might be seen as me being childish,

That's you caring about what he thinks. And leaving him a way to get in touch.

Nope. Blocking is you being done and moving on.

I know @workshy46 no label matters now, we just weren't enough or right for each other, the feelings obviously hadn’t been there for a while on either side, and that’s fair enough. But the pre-booking dates after he’d known his decision is hard for me to understand and my head can’t help but try to figure that one out.

luckily @BendSinister it’s not a marriage, so it’s basically over with no ties and no ramifications.

thanks all for the advice. I feel like I’ve managed to process a lot in a few days, but just trying not to judge myself too harshly.

Small update, I’ve been coping just about for the past week, probably running on adrenaline. Sleeping much less than usual. I’m barely eating too which is weird, as I usually stress eat. My body seems to still be frozen up in shock.

He didn't reach out at all in the immediate days, but finally messaged the day before the event to ask if I was still going to it. I never replied and nothing further from him. I really wanted to tell him why we wouldn’t be friends due to what he’d done and that he’s not a ‘nice guy’ but didn’t bother. As he clearly already knows what he’s done and didn’t give 2 shits about doing it, so why would he care now? It would have been wasted energy.

I have no intention of contacting him about anything ever again and we aren’t connected anywhere else in life such as mutual friends or social media. So he’s gone, like he never existed, which is almost harder than trying to be friends. It’s really hitting me today, I have been keeping busy but then was googling about avoidants and wondering why I felt so shaken up still, and discovered ‘avoidant discard’. There’s basically a script of literally everything he said to me. I’d known about avoidant traits as I’d started looking into it a while ago after my therapist mentioned it again, but it’s the first time I really read up on the discard part. It’s shocked me even further to discover that this is an actual thing, that these same hurtful behaviours are being acted out on people all over. So for anyone else going through this, have a look at that, ‘betrayal trauma’ and ‘blindsiding breakups’ as it’s really been eye-opening and has made me feel far less alone and asking ‘what did I do?’ and wondering if I really was to blame. I had felt fairly strong up until today and already knew logically I could never know the ‘why’s’ of what he did, but the theories behind avoidant break ups really cemented maintaining silence and helped me feel a bit less insane. I have never reacted to a break up so physically before, but at least now I have an understanding of why.

How often on average did you see him?

@40withoutacata few times a week, depending on what was going on for us. We’d usually always spend whole weekends together and he’d always act like he was devastated to be parting, couldn’t wait to see me again etc etc. I do wonder just how long he’d been putting on that display for!

Well done on not going back. It will get better. I’m sure you’ll hear from him again. Stay strong.

Exactly this. I'm sorry you are suffering OP but as you've read, avoidant discards are not normal breakups. One day you will realise (as i did) that him leaving was the BEST thing he could ever have done for you. Your reaction to his crappy text was perfect. Stay strong.

Focus on lots of self care.

As another PP said, he Will be back so be aware/block him.

Coach Ryan has a lot of stuff on avoidant discards on Youtube. Some people have nicknamed avoidants "narcissist lites" on account of the lack of empathy. Well if the shoe fits...

Don’t try and stay friends- that’s the worse thing ever
a woman split up with me last year after 2.5 years together after she met someone new and shiny over a weekend .
she tried to stay friends- that was the worse thing ever her showing off her her new relationship- that was a killer move- I’m still not over it

Thanks @Furning I wouldn’t take him back for anything.

@BrunetteBarbie94 I am glad I found all this stuff out because at first I was like ‘this can’t be normal’ (I’ve always been the one to end things and never out of the blue like that or it’s been mutual) and he was acting like it was all totally fine and dandy that he’d just been merrily booking things, acting as if it was our regular date night etc. and as if I was bonkers for having expected anything else! I will check out coach Ryan thanks. Reddit and insta have been very illuminating on this topic - I only wish I’d discovered sooner so I could have got out when I initially planned to instead of falling for more BS. I feel like I was probably an idiot, but I know my mistake was to trust him even when things seemed ‘off’. But I treated him respectfully til the end and just wish I hadn’t given more chances.

@SatelliteSpaceman that sounds horrendous, I definitely do not want to be involved with anything like that. I am fairly sure in my ex’s case he’ll have someone else lined up very soon, if not already, and I don’t need to see that. I hope you have cut her off and are healing now, if not yet fully over it. They have no idea the ramifications their thoughtless (at best or deliberately manipulative) actions can have on people who trust them.

Apparently it’s really common to go from a narc to an avoidant - as they seem emotionally deep (withdrawn) and less harmful compared to the narc!

I’ve just been through this. Two years in, a very deep and loving relationship - first time (and in late 40s) I’d been in love. He is deeply avoidant and we’d had some issues previously over it and sort of got through. He gave me a framed photo of us for my birthday then - a few weeks later after I was questioning his effort and compared it to being in a situationship (we never did anything apart from sit around on the sofa really, he planned nothing), he pulled the plug out of the blue! Blamed his mental health being bad on our relationship etc, then when I tried to fight for us he got really nasty and did a reverse discard ie made it so awful I had to walk away. Then would apologise, say he loved me but clearly had no wish to repair - I offered repeatedly - as he’d then obviously have to look at himself and take accountability.

It’s been so hard! I’ve cried for months and assumed another woman, but it’s just avoidance I think.

He was also slow exiting for months but projected it all around and said I was. Urghh - it’s an epidemic and I’m so sorry for anyone who has to through this!