Sudden Breakup, So Hard

[BlindsidedandBurned]

Hi I just want to get my feelings out, maybe a bit of sympathy too!

I had been with my bf for over 2 years, both mid 40s, not living together but fully committed. We’ve recently had a few tricky issues but had talked and were resolving them. I’ve supported him through a difficult time at his work and recently he’s done some hurtful/thoughtless things, which I felt showed he didn’t value any of my efforts for him or our relationship. I considered then ending it because I felt so devalued. He also became very passive and not interested in planning dates in recent weeks, I put it down to work stress but now I see that was probably him checking out. However he said all the right things when I raised the hurt I’d felt, so I was trying to forgive and forget, figuring we were both trying and wanted to get back on an even keel. I know his actions weren’t matching his words so I was guarded but trying.

Last week he was making plans with me for the next few weekends, making long term commitments, all seemed ok. Then all of a sudden last night he came over as usual and just says, not in so many words and kind of going round the houses, but basically it’s over.

Totally his right of course, but he’d given no sign at all of that decision having been made, at some point between earlier this week booking events with me, and last night when he announced it. He let me think we were going out over this coming weekend, let me think he was coming over for dinner as normal last night etc etc. We even had an intimate conversation about our sex life over the weekend, not phone sex but a very personal chat. According to him last night, he knew he was done already at the point of that phone call. But yet on Monday he was booking an event with me and on Tuesday I suggested a place to go this weekend which he seemed to enthusiastically agree to. But then just dropped that bombshell seemingly out of nowhere.

We talked for a couple of hours after, basically him unloading all of his ‘I don’t know what I want in the future’ ‘I can’t see me being able to give you the effort you deserve’ angst and pretty much using me as a therapist while I sat there fairly stunned. I understand he can choose not to be in any relationship for any reason, but none of his given reasons made any sense and I asked if he’d met someone else, or if I had done something that had suddenly changed his feelings, apparently not. And he couldn’t tell me why he’s allowed me to go on thinking one thing and acting fine while he’s decided prior that we were done, which seems so deliberately deceptive. I’d always thought of him as being an honest man and now I’m just questioning everything - was any of it real or was he always just going through the motions?

it’s so hard for me to process this. I know I have to accept his choice but then he was saying he still loves me, so attracted to me, but just can’t give me what he thinks I need and might want to travel the world and also thinks he might want to have kids (which he always knew was not on the cards for me and assured me he had no interest in having children - we are both mid 40s! So it’s a little late to be thinking that) It was like he threw everything at the wall to see what stuck and said he wanted to give me clarity and closure, but he actually gave me nothing but confusion.

I know I’m genuinely better off without his lacklustre attitude and I will eventually be fine with or without a partner, but his weird way of ending things has really hurt and it’s hard to reconcile the way he has done it with the man I thought I knew.

That’s such a good point @Morepositivemum the whole thing was such hard work, one of us needed to pull the plug. I just thought it would be me! @Lilaclane I had definitely been prepared, but just not quite at this moment with all the things he was misleading me with.

True @exhaustDAD it has stopped me wasting any longer. Although I do feel like this recent week was sneaky. He had multiple opportunities to give me a ‘we need to talk’ before turning up last night. He let me think it was our usual mid week date night and I find that cruel. I knew he was avoidant, but I thought he’d always respected me enough to be honest rather than make that decision and continue a pretence.

@DaffodilTuesdayyes it’s been a real headfuck. I’m also annoyed he dropped that on me last night when I had work all day today, barely slept, he knows I don’t sleep well when stressed, and he’s in his pjs wfh today, if it even bothered his sleep. He wanted everything on his terms and ultimately he’s shown himself to be a very selfish man. But I also ignored the warning signs (ah hindsight!) and ignored my gut when I knew I should have called it ages ago. I probably was unfair to him too, carrying on knowing that, but I was always open with him when I was finding it hard, whereas he always acted fine and invested. I’m old enough to know actions have to match up to words but I wilfully overlooked it time and again.

If he’s offering “friendship” I think you should look up “Monkey branching.”

Hes keeping you around with “friendship” whilst he try’s the fruit on higher branches.

Block him from everything asap. Seize control, sod trying to be friends! What would you be able to talk about? His latest shenanigans with his new supply? Stuff that.

Oh, OP. This is so hard. It’s so damn hard to sit there being someone else’s emotional sounding board and not being able to take care of your own heart. I’ve experienced something like this. I think, because he’s waffling about so weakly, it’s really important for you to be VERY strong and cut this off completely. Do not let him back in your life at any cost. It is so hard, and it’s going to be hard- but he showed you who he really is when he started being disrespectful.
I don’t see this as others see- that he met someone or something like that. What I see is that he finally relaxed enough into the relationship to be his awful, weak, inconsiderate self, and you didn’t like it. In fact, good for you, you spoke up.
men like this will then threaten the relationship because they want the power back. They want the power over you. He wants you to beg, probably.
that he then kind of backpedaled and said you deserved better, etc… this was your cue to let him have power over you. I hope you didn’t. Be strong.

what my therapist told me at the time this happened to me was that this was going to be a “push-pull” thing he would try, so I would accept anything he saw fit to bring (or not bring) to the relationship and to my life. That I would accept all his emotional abuse, neglect, and bullshit.

you are so much better off without someone like this taking up space in your life. Even if it hurts like fire to go through the withdrawing and healing process.

don’t let someone keep you on “layaway”, either. Don’t let him come back and decide to try again, then leave again every time you show some spine and say his behavior isn’t ok.

you spoke up, you said (even to yourself- they can sense that) that this relationship wouldn’t work if he acted like that, and it set things in motion, because he wants a doormat.

I'm sure he knows he’s not good enough for you- when a man says that, the advice I’ve read everywhere is: walk away, because they’re telling you the truth, and they may try to whittle down your self-esteem so that they feel better.

I'm wishing you healing and strength - far away from this weak, icky man.
oh, another thing my therapist had me do which might sound silly - because I had to spend time around the ex who did this to me - he had me get a little dragon toy or ornament or even a drawing, and put it in my purse so that if I needed to, If this ex started trying to reel me back in, I could reach in and hold it and remember that I’m a dragon and I’m so strong.

whatever makes you feel strong, get some kind of talisman for yourself so you can hang onto it if this complete waste of life tries to get back into your life and muck it up.

I’m sorry this has happened. I’ve been there and it’s incredibly cruel to pretend it’s great one minute then be the complete opposite the next. You say he’s an avoidant, which he could be so there doesn’t need to be another woman. Just his fears of commitment. It’s in his own head and you can’t affect that.

He’s shown you who he is now so believe him. He’s not going to change so work out what you need now to cope with the shock, and then when you’re feeling a bit more resilient decide what you want your life to look like.

Block him and stay out of contact. Any communication will mess with your head even more. I’ve recently seen the guy who did that to me and it’s laughable that I’d let someone like that cause me so much pain. You’ll see it clearly too, in time. You won’t always feel like this.

Thank you @Newnamehiwhodis looking back, when we got together he was on the rebound (which I didn’t know back then) and probably desperate to ‘be in love’. He said it so early on that I backed right away. And probably was his therapist through that break up he was coming off the back of, he appeared vulnerable so I allowed myself to think it was love or a deeper connection. I feel actually now I was just convenient, and an ear. It’s probably been push-pull since then. My therapist has said similar that he relaxed into it way too soon and got comfortable way too soon, I was still in the dating/evaluating phase and he’d immediately gone to ‘feet up, relax’ phase. When he was waffling last night I just had to cut through it with ‘either it’s fixable or it’s over, I’m not listening to any more of this, which one are you telling me?’ And it was like he was still waiting for me to even make that decision at that point, just couldn’t say yes or no, so at that point I was clear I won’t accept less than I know I’m worth and that it’s over, there’ll be no getting back together.

I don’t plan on keeping him around, I wouldn’t choose him as a friend after seeing him act this way. I briefly thought yeah, we always got on well, we respect each other, we can enjoy the events - but then I thought about the callous way he’s acted this week and see now that there was no respect shown to me recently and we won’t be friends.

My therapist also said that it’s his stuff he’s running from. I called him out on what I won’t accept and rather than face it or work on himself, he’s choosing to run. I can see that pattern is in him, from what he’s told me about his exes too. I just didn’t want to see it until more recent months. At one point a few weeks ago I said to my therapist I totally see where his exes were coming from now!

Thank you @Brightbluesomething he definitely fits the avoidant type, my therapist had pointed this out a while ago and it makes sense. There could be someone else, who knows, but it’s his own fears he’s running from. Our relationship was actually the perfect set up for his avoidant needs and if he can’t cope with making short term commitments for a few dates over a few weeks after 2+ years together, then he’s not for me and that’s that. He’s never going to change til he figures himself out (if) and that’s on him, and even if he changed we are still done. He said something about ‘ahh it’s so sad, you are the right person, but wrong time, in ten years I might have worked out what I want and we’ll be back together.’ 😂😂 the delusion!

Sounds like the trash took itself out.

have no contact ever with this selfish liar - and stick to it

I disagree he has someone else.

You’ve told him you want more effort and this is him punishing you for saying that. He wants to hurt you. He’ll be back in a couple of days/weeks/months ready to hoover you up. You’ll (he hopes) feel so relieved that you’ll have him bank and won’t bother him for more effort - because you’ll be afraid to in case he leaves again.

Tale as old as time.

Do not go back.

@Furning nails it. I had a relationship like this post divorce. It suited his avoidant style. When I started pressing for some changes he acted up. We broke up, but then he had a massive breakdown a few months later and kept calling me crying as he’d now realised what he’d lost. I commiserated but yeah still nope.

Interestingly he was also always trying to stay friends with exes who also shut him down.

At the time I thought he was the bees knees, but now when I see him I think he looks dreadful and is emotionally stunted.

Ten years! Oh hell no! You’ll be on to far better things and (hopefully) won’t remember him, except in a “what was I thinking” kind of way by then, hopefully! What a melodramatic baby he is.

Yes, I agree with previous posters in that he's wanting to 'keep you on the hook' while he looks around for something better. He just wants to have you as an option he can pick up later if he so chooses. It won't help you at all to be kept hanging around though. He's thinking of himself - make sure you don't let his wants get in the way of what is best for you - start afresh, don't keep him 'as a friend', he isn't one.

@RandomSuitors I thought he was so emotionally intelligent too! He was compared to my ex so I suppose it seemed great, but looking back I see he is stunted and I could never reconcile what he said with what he did. He had the theory down pat but couldn’t walk the walk. I wonder what the deal with ‘exes as friends’ thing is? Maybe that way they get to continue the delusion they aren't ‘bad’ guys, cos look we are still friends!

@Furning I don’t think he’ll be back in terms of trying to get back together, but he’ll probably contact me under the guise of checking in or something. I had a previous relationship with a real narc type so am familiar with the breadcrumbing and hoovering routines so will not be falling for that. There’s no going back.

I slept slightly better last night, although jolted wide awake at one point (not unusual for me during menopause!) but it was like I heard the words clearly ‘he does not care enough’ so my subconscious was obviously doing some processing.

Thanks to everyone for posting, reading all these comments have really helped me in different ways.

I feel anger that he acted this way during the past week or so if he already knew he’d made his mind up. I feel anger at the way he came round and only half expressed it with his vague statements. But the vagueness had been an issue all along so I shouldn’t be surprised.

I think I’m still hoping for some kind of proper closure, yet know it won’t come from him and as lots of you said, the whys don’t really matter - it’s done. I did some journaling and realised I won’t miss him as he was, but I miss the potential/hope of what we could have had, whilst knowing he’d never have put the effort in to have it.

However he also said he still enjoys spending time with me and wants us to still go to the things we’ve got booked as friends

Fuck. That.

In the immortal words of myself

"The wonderful thing about not dating you is i dont have to care what you want anymore. And I dont want to be friends."

Go cold turkey and do not go to these events.
Its going to make it harder / longer / more painful for you to process this and get over it. While he gets to pretend he wasnt a total shit and you "being friends" proves he is a good guy.

@BlindsidedandBurned it is exactly that, to prove he’s a ‘nice guy’. Mine would say ‘we’re both good people’ lots during the breakup to seemingly override the fact he was a cowardly little tosser. Oh the magic of words!

From what he’s said, he’s been keeping you as an option, to his backup plan, how does that make you feel ?
do not be his friend no way, he doesn’t deserve anymore access to you or your life , he made his choice let him stew over it, he wants that just incase he feels he’s made a mistake which he probably will In a few weeks.
Your priority now is you, have some time and look after you, go for a pamper , eat nice food, chill, do what makes you happy, he’s made the choice and your no longer an option to him.

When your ready to date again be whole and the best version of you, that it what will kill him the most , knowing he let you go and you was strong enough to move forward without looking back.

@RandomSuitors yeah he kept saying ‘it’s nobody’s fault, we are both decent people, you are amazing etc etc but we are just different’.

@dollyblue01 I think he always saw me as an option in his busy life, rather than a priority. That was one of the issues all along because I knew I was worth more.

At the mo we left it that we’d probably see each other at the first of 2-3 events, which is next week. I need to decide if to just block him now, or let him think I’m going and just not turn up. I want him to feel hurt too. I know that is a silly, childish response, but I have to admit it’s there.

I just can’t fathom why he’d book stuff, actually pay me back for them on Sat, have an ordinary phone call on Sun, book a longer term thing on Mon, arrange a date with me on Tues for this weekend…then on Thursday drop me totally.

People aren’t always rational. A former friend of mine had planned, booked and paid for a family holiday, put down a deposit for a house extension, had just joined a tennis club with his wife and was totally involved in medium term planning as a family, when, out of the blue, he asked her for a divorce on the first day of the family holiday.

He sounds more and more like my ex every time you post. Mine thought we’d just remove the sex and commitment and revert to his favourite category: ‘friend’ with complicated history. Freeze that fucker out, he’ll only be upset once the ‘events and confirming he’s a nice guy’ bit goes. I’ve come to see mine as a kind of weedy narcissist. It was never about me or my needs, only about enjoying favoured parts of my personality, discarding the rest, and having a good version of himself reflected back.

Wow, @BendSinister. Has he told anyone why?

This is brutal but you will feel better by freezing him out and cutting ties now. It will be hard short term but you'll feel alot better.
I've been there with the sudden rug pulling and it's absolutely horrible.

Yes, me! He came back from his holiday and dropped by. I think he just didn’t do joined up thinking — he coasted along passively in a marriage that admittedly didn’t suit either party well, and it probably survived as long as it did because he spent every waking hour at work. The prospect of a fortnight alone with his wife and kids pushed him over the edge, and he didn’t seem to have grasped that it was an insanely cruel thing to do out of the blue at the start of a holiday with their teenagers. There wasn’t anyone else, and I don’t think he was consciously future-faking, just emotionally u intelligent and self-centred.