Is this a me shaped problem

[VictoriaLynn]

My current partner is not great at planning time together but when we actually get time together it's always great.
He goes on regular football trips and once a year on a 3/4 night lads holiday with a few younger men in their 30's/40's....he's 56.
My line has always been I don't mind what he does in his own time if he can still prioritise time for us.
My divorce has only just come through and my ex is being a manipulating bully about the terms and is being horrible to me and our adult children. I need support now and I'm not the type to ask.
My partner flew on his annual lads trip this morn. I raised with him on Tues that I felt he could have made a better effort to tie down time for us before he left, he had made a few half suggestions which wouldn't have worked given our differing schedules. He got defensive then and just said he had suggested options and wouldn't be pursuing me if I kept rejecting his suggestions and that he's done doing that.
I just feel he is being immature and defensive. He didn't even check how things are with us. Now I have a complete ick about his trip even though I'm normally so easy going about these things.
Am i just taking it out on him because things are difficult for me rn...

Difficult to say without unpacking the “half” in “half suggestions”.

I think you would be better off on your own to recover from your divorce. This current man does not seem like much of a bf let alone a partner figure to you.

By this I mean he got his own work out of the way, shopping, hair cut, watch the football, all fair enough but it was the lack of communication or intention to get time together that was really missing
As i say I'm all for us filling our own cup so I have no issue with his trip but I'm an adult and would expect that if im important to him he would show this through making an effort to get time together...especially as he knows I'm going through a difficult time
I was an adult partner, not someone I need to prompt for the basics

Sorry should read "want" an adult partner

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat
I'm long over my ex husband but the terms of our separation agreement are not sitting well with him so he's kicking up a fuss now
I've had years of coping on my own but yes I'd love a real partner. That level of emotional maturity is so attractive to me.

Well, you clearly don't have it with this man, so I'd move on asap and not waste any more time wishing he was someone different and better. Best wishes with finalising the divorce and for the future. I think the best thing you can do for yourself in the circumstances is not saddle yourself with another substandard man.

Are you seeking a partner or a councillor/therapist?

Thank you @BendSinister

Appreciate your input @NowStartingOver

I need support now and I'm not the type to ask
Your DP is not a mind reader.
Your relationship will founder if you can't communicate.
You say you want emotional maturity but are you also offering it?
He's made suggestions, you have rebuffed them but won't say what you want. He's responded by being defensive and petulant.
You're both at fault really. I suspect your DP doesn't realise you're struggling and your response to his efforts is discouraging.

It sounds as though he is happy to see you as long as it doesn’t interfere with anything else he’s got on.

Which because you value independence within a relationship has worked okay for you — until recently when you realised he will be like this even in times when you need more support from him.

How long have you been with him?

This is a bit of a tricky one.
As far as he is concerned, you are happy with his independent arrangements. You are struggling emotionally and want extra support but you are "not the one to ask". So, instead, it sounds to me as though you unilaterally changed terms of your engagement and expected him to just clock it without you clearly communicating it to him which seems...unfair and overly optimistic.

Could he have been more attuned to your needs? Sure. But without knowing you, it's hard to say whether you are that easy to read.

Thanks @Beamur. I have been clear only very recently that while I'm independent by nature and like him have lots of my own stuff going on I value communication and intention too. He is only too well aware of what I'm going through and by his own admission is very easy going and very happy to go with the flow as long as he doesn't have to organise anything. I've communicated to him that while I appreciate that i also need him to step up and take the initiative every so often and he agreed.
Basically by the time he thought of discussing time together there actually wasn't an opportunity available to us that suited us both.
I think I have been clear about what I need and want but take your point about being clear too.

I think if you are clear and he's not meeting you at least halfway you know you have your answer.
He's maybe a bit stuck in his ways and used to an 'easy' life.
Is the relationship good enough in other ways? Can you work on improving this aspect? Only you can tell really..

@moderate yes you're right, our time often takes the hit as he often prioritises his football/social life so I'm left feeling like something to fill a gap rather than one of his priorities
I also get that because I'm independent and have no issue with him doing his own thing it may lead to a grey area between us but as I've said my thing has always been go do your thing but equally be intentional about our time.

There are plenty of men who fit this stereotype and obviously its hard to judge if he is one of them. The lads, football, booze etc. are the priority. Bit of sex and female company on the side with you...great life!

@newyearsameme26 Aw reading that makes me quite sad...I really have so much love for him and he's a good person but this rings true too
It's such a pity because I'm relaxed about us doing our own thing so this could work for both of us with very little tweaking

Oh, well, in that case I would step away from this relationship. You communicated your needs, he can't meet them and you are not going to change that. The person he is is very different from the person you need and that's enough of a reason to end it.

I have been in similar situation with my long distance partner of 4 years. We both value independence, he's very busy with work and his own social life which I actually like (I have childcare ties and couldn't have someone who was dependent on me for entertaining him etc).

We had struggles for the first two years about arranging time together. For him work always comes first and he will sometimes cancel me for this. He would arrange social things a few weekends in a row without thinking it would mean a long gap in us seeing each other.

I definitely made my feelings known. Gradually we have got into a system which works. I have relaxed about things a bit as I am more and more secure in the relationship. He thinks of me more often and is much better at involving me in his planning. We now have shared calendar so I can see what he has arranged and jot down weekends we should save for each other in the gaps.

good luck!

How long have you been together and do you live together? Do you share finances>

you write like accepting him to continue to have his friends and social life he’s always done is like some form of massive favour,

I am struggling to work out what he’s done wrong. He had this trip planned, he’s suggested some times, he will see you before and after I assume?

emotional maturity applies to both of you. I’d say if you don’t live together and he’s your boyfriend he’s displaying a lot of emotional maturity in continuing as he normally would whilst asking when you wish to meet up.

But isn’t he allowed to have needs?

Are you a similar age to him? As a single woman around same age, the experience of my friends and I is that there are very few men of this age who want the compromise of a full on relationship and are happy with something more casual. While that would suit many mature women it doesn’t work for you.

I would just be careful of the men out there promising the world but really wanting a nurse with a purse.

All you can do is tell him how you feel and if he doesn’t reciprocate then decide if it’s worth it.

Thanks for all the recent replies. I absolutely get that he needs freedom to do his own thing sbd I've said many things that I actively encourage that while equally i have communicated that I need focused, intentional couple time too.
Om not nor ever have asked him to give up any of the things he enjoys, I love my own time too so I appreciate that.
He is 56 and I'm 50 and we don't live together nor do we share finances.

Of course he is! And so does the OP. And their needs are not compatible with each other. Rather than trying to change the person it is wiser and kinder to accept that the needs are not compatible and to step away from the relationship so that they can both meet a person who is more aligned with what they are looking for.

I don’t particularly think it’s your boyfriends responsibility to cancel his pre-planned trip because you’re divorcing another man… you’ve technically been married to someone else your whole relationship so your level of desired ownership over his time seems inappropriate to me.