Is this a me shaped problem

[VictoriaLynn]

My current partner is not great at planning time together but when we actually get time together it's always great.
He goes on regular football trips and once a year on a 3/4 night lads holiday with a few younger men in their 30's/40's....he's 56.
My line has always been I don't mind what he does in his own time if he can still prioritise time for us.
My divorce has only just come through and my ex is being a manipulating bully about the terms and is being horrible to me and our adult children. I need support now and I'm not the type to ask.
My partner flew on his annual lads trip this morn. I raised with him on Tues that I felt he could have made a better effort to tie down time for us before he left, he had made a few half suggestions which wouldn't have worked given our differing schedules. He got defensive then and just said he had suggested options and wouldn't be pursuing me if I kept rejecting his suggestions and that he's done doing that.
I just feel he is being immature and defensive. He didn't even check how things are with us. Now I have a complete ick about his trip even though I'm normally so easy going about these things.
Am i just taking it out on him because things are difficult for me rn...

Twice a week usually

Overnight , or just go for a bite to eat or whatever?

He works alternate weekends so usually overnight at his on the Saturday of the weekend he is off and then the other week it could be an overnight in mine or just a bite to eat
The Sunday of the weekend I stay over is usually sort as he heads off at 11 then for football

How long you guys together?
I don’t know OP , from what you’re saying you actually only see him every other weekend, am I correct in saying that ?, & only for 1 night , then he goes off to football Sunday morn at 11.
It sounds like a very casual relationship.

Yes @Missj25 it certainly feels that way. We have very different work schedules and he's involved in a local football team...his son plays for them so I feel like I'm navigating 2 football schedules, he goes then to watch a national team with the lads in the the bar every week and his work which can change
I really like him so I'm OK with that, we're are only 10 months together but I just don't feel he is intentional or enthusiastic enough about our time. If he was I have no issue, as I've said before I set out from when we decided we were official that i have no issue with how he spends his free time as long as he is intentional about our time and he agreed. In that sense I feel I have communicated my needs from the outset so I never expected him at any point to read my mind .

Each to their own, but yes- I’d want a partner and a councillor/therapist in one package.

im lucky enough to have met that person 25 years ago when I was in my late forties.

He is not without his own problems, but he’s always there for me, and would never intentionally make me feel “not worth it”.

We actually talk to each other and share our woes as well as our triumphs.

if we can be a listening ear to each other, it helps.

it might not change the problem, but just being able to talk, or have a right old cathartic rant about the shit in life, is so cleansing, and it makes us so much “tighter” as a couple.

So I believe OP can want better than she currently has.

Her current partner is not meeting her needs, so like other pp, I believe she’d be better to let this man go.

Then she can concentrate on getting her life back together, without feeling miffed that the person who should have her back, is more concerned with his own selfish life.

OP, don’t settle for someone you wish behaved differently.
im not saying he won’t one day wake up and see whst he’s doing you’re upset you, but it’s pretty unlikely.

Take care

This suggests more than different approaches in my opinion. It suggests to me a selfish man who prioritises his own wants and needs over those of others in his lives, including his own children. That’s unlikely to be a recent thing. He has probably always been like this , not just in romantic relationships.

I know men like this, one in particular. He has had numerous partners. He has many positive attributes, but the relationships usually end because essentially he is selfish, and the women get fed up.

Sorry OP but the more you post the more I think you’re letting the fact you really like him so much blind you to the reality that’s this really is just a casual thing not a relationship and you’re just filling a gap in his otherwise busy life. He's throwing a few crumbs when it suits him and you’re clinging to the hope it turns into something more than sex and a bit of company. It won’t this is his life.

This sort of casual arrangement would suit some but it’s not what you’re looking for so you need to decide if this is enough for you or not

Aw thank you @CloseEncountersOfTheLoveKind Thats exactly the kind of partnership I aspire to be in, not perfect but present for each other. Again I'm so happy that you too have found yourself a good one.

You could be right there. Its obviously early days for us so we're still finding out about each other but yes I've thought immature and selfish at times too.

I agree with this - it's not that he's not communicating or being 'intentional' (not quite sure what you mean by that in this context) - it's that his football mates and beer are more important to him than you are.

He likes a bit of female admiration and sex but that's really all you are. He will be thrilled that he's found a woman who doesn't ask anything of him at all.

He's never going to be a partner in any meaningful sense and you're never going to be a team.

Yes @TwistedWonder I do agree that my feelings are clouding my view here. Thats partly why I sought the opinions of others here and am grateful for them.

Thanks @thestudio I fear you are correct unfortunately

It just sounds more like you’re on different pages/stages in the relationship. You sound like you think he is or want a partner and from his end you’re his girlfriend. Neither is wrong it just doesn’t work when you see it differently

OP if you say you don’t feel he is enthusiastic or intentional enough about your time together, well that’s saying you don’t feel he is enthusiastic enough about you .
I’m saying that very kindly by the way .
I understand your work schedules collide , but if you feel he could be spending more time with you without it interfering with football , work .
You do need to sit & chat with him .You don’t want to be with someone who fits you in when it suits him so to speak x

Exactly, I feel he does just that, fits in couple time around all his other activities but not in an intentional way, just as and when and as I said in busy times it will always be our time that suffers.
I suppose really he has already shown me what he is offering...If I don't change it im choosing it.

Yes , well it does sound like he doesn’t prioritise your relationship ever .
That wouldn’t be for me , it sounds like it’s not for you either .
You do sound like fwb more than anything, now that suits lots of people aswel , but if it’s stability you’re gearing towards OP , & it is I’d say ( I’d be the same) .
You’re not going to get that with him .

OP, it sounds like you just want everyone to agree with you and tell you that he needs to change his ways and then everything will be great.

You both appear to have agreed on an arrangement, but then are unhappy with the results. You knew in advance about his holiday and his Sundays and then seem upset when they actually happen.

The depth of this relationship is very casual, accept that or move on.

This all sounds too much like hard work.

I'd use his lad's trip away to break things off.

The thought of a grown man of 56 going on a lads holiday would really put me off taking the relationship any further.

i hope things with your ex resolve themselves. Your bf doesn't sound like he has the emotional capacity or motivation to give you support.

I think you can be independant and have your own life as well as prioritising time with your partner. In my experience men who are really into someone and want a partner will move other things around in order to fit that person into their lives and spend time with them
I really couldn't be with someone who didn't prioritise spnding time with me, as I want a full partnership and a shared life. It sounds as though you are similar OP. You dont need to be in each others pockets to still have your own interests.

I really don't need people to agree I was merely looking for opinions thanks.

Have you posted about him before?
All of this sounds so familiar but was a while ago so the 10 months together would not be true but of course no one has to give exact details.

If you're not the same lady maybe you're with her ex😱

In this situation no one is wrong. You both have wants and needs and they can both be different...its whether fundamentally there is more positives to this relationship than not and only you can decide.

What do you have in your life already? Friends, hobbies etc

What do you want in a partner?
Once you know this you can either speak to your boyfriend and ask for change/compromise or walk away and find someone who is more aligned with your wants and needs.

A partner should enhance your life and not be your life 🩷

Yes @SortingitOut i agree that neither is wrong and given that I have spoken to him about it before and that it is still early days for us I have decided to tell him when he gets back that it's not working for me and kindly end things. There are many positives but i agree with the posters who have said its more like a casual/fwb set up and thats not for me. Think its best not to take up any more of each others time. Thankfully i also have a busy life so im very happy in myself. Thanks.

Morning OP .
Who knows how this will go , might be the wake up call he needs being honest 🤷🏻‍♀️.
You just want some more commitment .
Anyway , whatever way things work out for you ,
best of luck with it all x

'Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.' Mark Twain.

I hope you find someone who doesn't shy from showing you every day how lucky they are to be with you.