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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a me shaped problem

116 replies

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 10:23

My current partner is not great at planning time together but when we actually get time together it's always great.
He goes on regular football trips and once a year on a 3/4 night lads holiday with a few younger men in their 30's/40's....he's 56.
My line has always been I don't mind what he does in his own time if he can still prioritise time for us.
My divorce has only just come through and my ex is being a manipulating bully about the terms and is being horrible to me and our adult children. I need support now and I'm not the type to ask.
My partner flew on his annual lads trip this morn. I raised with him on Tues that I felt he could have made a better effort to tie down time for us before he left, he had made a few half suggestions which wouldn't have worked given our differing schedules. He got defensive then and just said he had suggested options and wouldn't be pursuing me if I kept rejecting his suggestions and that he's done doing that.
I just feel he is being immature and defensive. He didn't even check how things are with us. Now I have a complete ick about his trip even though I'm normally so easy going about these things.
Am i just taking it out on him because things are difficult for me rn...

OP posts:
YouAndMeDays · 06/02/2026 15:01

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 10:23

My current partner is not great at planning time together but when we actually get time together it's always great.
He goes on regular football trips and once a year on a 3/4 night lads holiday with a few younger men in their 30's/40's....he's 56.
My line has always been I don't mind what he does in his own time if he can still prioritise time for us.
My divorce has only just come through and my ex is being a manipulating bully about the terms and is being horrible to me and our adult children. I need support now and I'm not the type to ask.
My partner flew on his annual lads trip this morn. I raised with him on Tues that I felt he could have made a better effort to tie down time for us before he left, he had made a few half suggestions which wouldn't have worked given our differing schedules. He got defensive then and just said he had suggested options and wouldn't be pursuing me if I kept rejecting his suggestions and that he's done doing that.
I just feel he is being immature and defensive. He didn't even check how things are with us. Now I have a complete ick about his trip even though I'm normally so easy going about these things.
Am i just taking it out on him because things are difficult for me rn...

How is he "immature"? He's told you his boundaries. He's tried to make time with you before he went on his holiday.

And what even does:

He didn't even check how things are with us.

mean? That sounds like something a twenty-something influencer would come out with!

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 15:04

StrawberryJamAndRaspberryPie · 06/02/2026 14:53

I don’t particularly think it’s your boyfriends responsibility to cancel his pre-planned trip because you’re divorcing another man… you’ve technically been married to someone else your whole relationship so your level of desired ownership over his time seems inappropriate to me.

Cancelling his trip was never mentioned nor was ever the issue. I actively encourage him doing his own thing.
My issue was the lack of thought or planning of time for us before he went and this in general
I have no interest in owning anyone or being owned by anyone. I love my free time, encourage his but equally value quality couple time.

OP posts:
VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 15:08

YouAndMeDays · 06/02/2026 15:01

How is he "immature"? He's told you his boundaries. He's tried to make time with you before he went on his holiday.

And what even does:

He didn't even check how things are with us.

mean? That sounds like something a twenty-something influencer would come out with!

Thanks for your reply.
I think for mature adults in a committed relationship care is a basic part of that.
In the same way I texted him that I hope he has a great time away and to look after himself.

OP posts:
Sartre · 06/02/2026 15:11

Sounds like you still live very separate lives and come together for the odd date here and there. Nothing wrong with this at all but I don’t think he prioritises you in the way you perhaps want, purely because you haven’t taken the next step towards any sort of commitment yet.

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 15:13

Sartre · 06/02/2026 15:11

Sounds like you still live very separate lives and come together for the odd date here and there. Nothing wrong with this at all but I don’t think he prioritises you in the way you perhaps want, purely because you haven’t taken the next step towards any sort of commitment yet.

Valid point too

OP posts:
YouAndMeDays · 06/02/2026 15:14

But what does:

He didn't even check how things are with us.

actually mean? What was he supposed to do?

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 15:17

YouAndMeDays · 06/02/2026 15:14

But what does:

He didn't even check how things are with us.

actually mean? What was he supposed to do?

Send a text to ask how things have been before he headed off
No more than that....how are you? How's things been since?
He's only too aware of what's been going on. I don't expect him to actually do anything, just asking and being there is enough but he didnt

OP posts:
NowStartingOver · 06/02/2026 15:25

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 15:17

Send a text to ask how things have been before he headed off
No more than that....how are you? How's things been since?
He's only too aware of what's been going on. I don't expect him to actually do anything, just asking and being there is enough but he didnt

And if he did, what would your reply have been?

Sounds like you want to talk to someone about how bad your divorce is. I don't think sending that to him before his holiday would be a good idea, and I generally don't think current partners want to hear all about the last man either.

Think you should look at getting some therapy and talking your divorce through with them. You're polluting your current relationship with your previous one.

outerspacepotato · 06/02/2026 15:41

Do you really think your current BF is the person to ask for divorce support? Especially when he's going on holiday?

How long have you been seeing him?

This sounds like a casual relationship to me and he's got his own life and fits you into the girlfriend slot. He had stuff to do before his trip and he did that instead of seeing you. That was his priority. He's not going to change. There's no tweaks you can do to make him what you want. It sounds like you want more than he's willing to give and he might be getting a bit annoyed, especially if you're accusing him of being immature and defensive.

Ilovelurchers · 06/02/2026 15:41

How often do you see him, OP, and how often would you like to?

From my own experience/that of my friends, it often (though not always) seems like, in non-cohabiting relationships between 40+ couples, the burden of arranging time together often falls on the woman, and is often a source of frustration for said woman.

My friend has had several relationships end because the guys were simply not willing to make the effort to make themselves available often enough to meet her need and desire for companionship.

And I, too, recently ended a FWB situation, for a few reasons, but one of them was that I felt I had to book in time with him, he was available once a month at most, and even that felt like he was doing me a favour....

I am now seeing someone who will happily shift things around to make the time to see me, currently at least (obviously I will see if that changes, I know the honeymoon phase is generally good..... He's an ex as it happens, but we were apart for long enough for it to still "feel" new and like he is on his best behaviou, in many ways).

Anyway, the advice I always gave my friend, and myself, is to work out the absolute MINIMUM amount of time you would need to spend with your guy in order to be happy in the relationship..... And tell him!

And if he feels that's too much/he can't commit to it..... Then off he goes..... Because why should you ever accept less than your bare minimum? And I guarantee there there will be another man out there, who WILL be happy to meet your needs.

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 15:58

NowStartingOver · 06/02/2026 15:25

And if he did, what would your reply have been?

Sounds like you want to talk to someone about how bad your divorce is. I don't think sending that to him before his holiday would be a good idea, and I generally don't think current partners want to hear all about the last man either.

Think you should look at getting some therapy and talking your divorce through with them. You're polluting your current relationship with your previous one.

Im not polluting anything I'm simply referring to the type of texts one partner send to the other on a regular basis, a check in. More meaningful in times of stress. Nothing more than that.

OP posts:
VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 16:01

Thanks @ilovelurchers, thats exactly what I mean, meeting each other in the middle, allowing for our respective lives. I'm so glad you found that. Good people are good relationships are worth investing in.
I'm not any way needy or clingy so yes I do hope I meet someone who will happily show up for us.

OP posts:
NowStartingOver · 06/02/2026 16:32

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 15:58

Im not polluting anything I'm simply referring to the type of texts one partner send to the other on a regular basis, a check in. More meaningful in times of stress. Nothing more than that.

So if he sends a "how are you?" before his holiday, what would your reply be?

"Everything is fine" or "I feel awful due to the divorce"? You're either going to have to lie or put a downer on his holiday.

I can imagine a YANBU thread about a woman who was due to go on holiday with some friends only for her boyfriend to send a message to state how miserable he was. I imagine everyone would say it would be unreasonable of the man to send such a message before her holiday.

A think a therapist is the best person to talk to these things about.

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 16:39

@NowStartingOver
I would never have downloaded on him before his holiday. I don't need therapy, I have navigated my divorce in a healthy way and don't project my past on to current relationships.
As I said care is a basic component of a healthy relationship and its so nice to know your partner is thinking of you, that's often all we need.

OP posts:
Notsosweetcaroline · 06/02/2026 16:49

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 15:17

Send a text to ask how things have been before he headed off
No more than that....how are you? How's things been since?
He's only too aware of what's been going on. I don't expect him to actually do anything, just asking and being there is enough but he didnt

Op, are you clear on what the issue is and what you want as you keep changing your mind, you went from wanting him to plan time, to he tried and the times didn’t work, to you didn’t want time you wanted him to text. How long had it been since he texted.

its all over the place, and feels like you’re jist pissed off he’s going on holiday.

moderate · 06/02/2026 17:00

@VictoriaLynn Several of us have asked you how long you've been with this man, but you've never replied. That seems like pertinent information to me.

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 17:02

moderate · 06/02/2026 17:00

@VictoriaLynn Several of us have asked you how long you've been with this man, but you've never replied. That seems like pertinent information to me.

Apologies....10 months

OP posts:
Notsosweetcaroline · 06/02/2026 17:03

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 17:02

Apologies....10 months

Ten months and you are talking about allowing him holidays, and wanting his support.! He’s your boyfriend and a relatively new one at that!

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 17:10

Thanks @Notsosweetcaroline. I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply and their opinion

OP posts:
Catza · 06/02/2026 17:18

Notsosweetcaroline · 06/02/2026 17:03

Ten months and you are talking about allowing him holidays, and wanting his support.! He’s your boyfriend and a relatively new one at that!

I see this comment a lot and I am not sure I entirely agree that we shouldn't have expectations from a new-ish relationship. I am in a habit of dating people who treat me the way I expect to be treated which saves me a lot of time hand-wringing later.
If someone doesn't align with how I view a relationship at the beginning, they are not going to align as the time goes on. It's not like at a 5 year mark they will suddenly start showing support just because the relationship now has legs.

McHot · 06/02/2026 17:20

This man is 56. He's fully formed. His life is how he wants it. Given how independent you are, that is probably something he values, that you are self sufficient which in turn allows him to be himself and prioritise what it is important to him. Do you not feel safe in his affections? You are reiterating that you're cool with him going away etc but for security you wanted him to check in with you or spend time with you prior to going is that right? You weren't able to align plans so you feel aggrieved but why would you not just think I'll see you in a week when you're back and make other plans? Youve been with him 10 months so you were ok before you met him and independent as you are this shouldn't be causing a problem. , should it

justtheotheronemrswembley · 06/02/2026 17:27

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 17:02

Apologies....10 months

It seems to me that his view of your relationship is that he wants to enjoy it without having to commit to much or having to actually organise anything in particular. When it comes to your current issues, maybe he is taking a 'not my circus, not my monkeys' approach and he wants to stay out of it.

I know this isn't particularly helpful to you, but perhaps he simply doesn't want any 'baggage' so to speak. That attitude may not be what you are looking for in a partner right now.

NowStartingOver · 06/02/2026 17:30

So as you have been in a relationship for 10 months, and this is his annual holiday, I'm assuming that this is the first time he's gone on this trip whilst in the relationship with you, and your feelings around these sort of annual trips have never arisen before. This same scenario could arise annually.

I don't think this relationship has legs. Sorry.

TwistedWonder · 06/02/2026 17:34

I think OP you’re looking for very different things in a partner at this time of life. He sounds like he’s set in his lifestyle and is happy with a gf who fits into that and does her own thing inbetween. You want a bit more depth than that.

Neither of you are wrong you’re just not really compatible in your requirements in a partner

Notsosweetcaroline · 06/02/2026 17:43

TwistedWonder · 06/02/2026 17:34

I think OP you’re looking for very different things in a partner at this time of life. He sounds like he’s set in his lifestyle and is happy with a gf who fits into that and does her own thing inbetween. You want a bit more depth than that.

Neither of you are wrong you’re just not really compatible in your requirements in a partner

Huh? It’s been ten months, who knows if the relationship would last or how it would play out. I’ve sauces in my fridge older than that, he’s not her partner in any way shape or form. He’s her boyfriend in a relatively new relationship.