Is this a me shaped problem

[VictoriaLynn]

My current partner is not great at planning time together but when we actually get time together it's always great.
He goes on regular football trips and once a year on a 3/4 night lads holiday with a few younger men in their 30's/40's....he's 56.
My line has always been I don't mind what he does in his own time if he can still prioritise time for us.
My divorce has only just come through and my ex is being a manipulating bully about the terms and is being horrible to me and our adult children. I need support now and I'm not the type to ask.
My partner flew on his annual lads trip this morn. I raised with him on Tues that I felt he could have made a better effort to tie down time for us before he left, he had made a few half suggestions which wouldn't have worked given our differing schedules. He got defensive then and just said he had suggested options and wouldn't be pursuing me if I kept rejecting his suggestions and that he's done doing that.
I just feel he is being immature and defensive. He didn't even check how things are with us. Now I have a complete ick about his trip even though I'm normally so easy going about these things.
Am i just taking it out on him because things are difficult for me rn...

I think he's told you who he is, 'easy going and goes with the flow as long as he doesn't have to organise anything.' And even though he agreed to take the initiative sometimes he's not prioritised it here. If you really like him and want to continue in the relationship l would make a point of arranging things that you both enjoy together, and then get that date in the diary.

Thanks again. Lots of different opinions and I can see merit in most.
We are adults is right, we both have different needs and expectations. It would seem that unfortunately in our case he wants a single life with the benefits of a partner when it suits his schedule whereas I want a partner, that doesn't mean owning or controlling someone. At the minute we see each other twice a week but if he has anything else on our time will always be the casualty.
I'm not trying to say he's wrong but maybe our values and expectations dont align.
His eldest son asked me at Christmas would I speak to his dad about his social life in general and his lads football and lad trips. I listened and said I would leave it to him to talk to his dad as it wasn't my place and never mentioned it again. I get on well with his children but would never overstep the mark. This isint additional information, my gut always is that adults behave and communicate like adults. He has often sidelined me to do his own thing and that's a big part of my frustration. Partners aren't there to be picked up and dropped as it suits when you are in an established relationship. Only my opinion though.

Thank you

You're not wrong in wanting a partner who will always put you first, and he's not wrong in wanting a relationship that's more easy going. All it means is that you're not well suited to each other.

Very true, thank you

I don't think you're as independent as you want to believe you are. I think in fact he's aligned with the independent you that you portray but actually you are not being authentic with him. Because you've not been honest about how much you actually need (nothing wrong with your needs btw) you're now feeling like he's at fault for prioritising his time how we wants to. Do you want set visiting hours or do you want a full relationship? Decide that and be willing to be real about it. If you want more then maybe you let this one go and move on.

Something for me to consider @mchot, thanks

It sounds like you're disappointed you haven't had chance to spend any time with him before he went away and also feeling a bit sorry for yourself. I think you'd have to imagine how you would feel if you were looking forward to a short break and he was being like that...it might take the shine off your time away. I think resolve to let him have his break and make some nice plans for when he is back.

Definitely disappointed @Loubelou71 but there is a pattern here too.
I travelled to his one weekend to stay over and he didn't bother to tell me about his plans for the Sunday. That morning he just got up, got organised, told me about his plans then and walked out leaving me behind in his house.
I just don't think I'm a priority so I need to be real with myself here

Honestly it sounds like he’s happy to see you as a FWB and a casual relationship to suit him,

Unless you’re happy to be a convenient part time gf and low priority I would end it. This man will never give you what you need

Thanks @TwistedWonder yes it certainly seems to be that way

I can see there is more to this and he's not making you feel a priority at other times too. Prioritise yourself and if he's not making the cut then throw him back. You don't need that on addition to everything else you have going on.

I can’t really see what he’s done wrong, but we’re all different and you’re clearly not happy. I don’t think you’re compatible. You want different things.

The only thing I would say is that I think if you want support you do need to tell people, instead of being annoyed that they can’t read your mind.

I also think you’re incompatible, he is maintaining his current social circle and independence you only see each other a couple of times a week and it’s only been a few months, I feel he’s right to do this, you want more, you want prioritisation. So I think kindly it’s best to end it.

however I’d be wary of someone you meet who does behave as you do and give you want you want after such a short time, this can often be love bombing,

it’s important we maintain a semblance of self in relationships until they fully develop, so I’d say that’s a min of a couple of years, when the honey moon period wears off and you see where you are.

The more you have written about him the more l think he just wants a casual relationship. Twice a week is just dating or fwb really. Think hard about whether that suits you long term and if you definitely want more you know you're not going to get that with him. It's not good for your self esteem to feel sidelined and unprioritised in his life so it sounds like it's time to accept you are not getting your needs met and to end things rather than trying (and failing) to alter his priorities.

Thanks again for the messages, I will definitely give thought to the different opinions. I do believe it's not about who is right or wrong more that our needs and expectations just don't align.
I don't want to end things but I know the frustration will just get to me over time and it's fairer on both of us to accept we just don't match that way.

He’s not a partner he’s a man you are dating! He doesn’t live with you and can’t even be bothered to text you to see how you are! Not much of a relationship! Plenty of older
men who are actually kind and considerate and single out there who would put lots of effort info s relationship and not treat you like a convenient leg over every now and again!

10 months in then this is a you shaped problem as you put.

Thank you

I will definitely give this thought as several posters have suggested I'm the issue here

Op there's nothing wrong with expecting a man who is supposed to be in to you, to text you enthusiastically and make time for you. If he isn't, he doesn't care about you enough, and it's time to throw him back.
It wouldn't be enough for me either because I need to know my partner cares and my partner shows me he does every day.

Ah this. I would expect that too. He doesn't sound as if he's on the same page as you.

Thank you, you have nailed it there in terms of what I give and expect in a relationship...."enthusiastically" sums it up. When you have that it there's no doubt, no frustration. I'm so glad you found one of the good ones.

Thank you for getting my point. I wasn't polluting him or looking for him to be my therapist as others have suggested.

So how much time do you actually see of him , spend time together ?