Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a me shaped problem

116 replies

VictoriaLynn · 06/02/2026 10:23

My current partner is not great at planning time together but when we actually get time together it's always great.
He goes on regular football trips and once a year on a 3/4 night lads holiday with a few younger men in their 30's/40's....he's 56.
My line has always been I don't mind what he does in his own time if he can still prioritise time for us.
My divorce has only just come through and my ex is being a manipulating bully about the terms and is being horrible to me and our adult children. I need support now and I'm not the type to ask.
My partner flew on his annual lads trip this morn. I raised with him on Tues that I felt he could have made a better effort to tie down time for us before he left, he had made a few half suggestions which wouldn't have worked given our differing schedules. He got defensive then and just said he had suggested options and wouldn't be pursuing me if I kept rejecting his suggestions and that he's done doing that.
I just feel he is being immature and defensive. He didn't even check how things are with us. Now I have a complete ick about his trip even though I'm normally so easy going about these things.
Am i just taking it out on him because things are difficult for me rn...

OP posts:
CelticSilver · 08/02/2026 10:54

I also get the feeling his son is more mature than his father and knows his Dad is too selfish for a committed relationship.

VictoriaLynn · 08/02/2026 11:01

@CelticSilver this exact thought crossed my mind too.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 08/02/2026 11:02

VictoriaLynn · 08/02/2026 09:41

Yes @SortingitOut i agree that neither is wrong and given that I have spoken to him about it before and that it is still early days for us I have decided to tell him when he gets back that it's not working for me and kindly end things. There are many positives but i agree with the posters who have said its more like a casual/fwb set up and thats not for me. Think its best not to take up any more of each others time. Thankfully i also have a busy life so im very happy in myself. Thanks.

I'm pleased you've been able to consider what you want and need and know that he cannot give you those things.

When people are single they build their life up and have it exactly as they want, and then they think a relationship would be good but don't actual consider what that would look like within the context of their current life....some people are happy to change their life to accomodate a relationship and some people aren't and it sounds like he isn't.

Onwards and upwards 🩷

Cars4Gov · 08/02/2026 11:09

Op, I agree with others that because you like him you may not be seeing reality. The treatment of you at the weekend where he hadn't communicated football so expected to you leave Sunday morning, says a lot about how he views the relationship.

Ilovelurchers · 08/02/2026 11:17

Hi OP,

Have just come back to the thread, and I am happy for you that you have made a decision that will hopefully give you some peace.

I think too often propl tolerate relationships that give them less than they want/need our if fear of being seen as "needy" (and indeed, some of the comments on this thread would indicate this is a valid fear!)

But a counsellor I had once said to me, what is the problem with this word "needy" anyway? You are human, of course you have needs."

But somehow I had learned that having needs, and communicating them, was a sign of weakness.

It's actually a sign of strength in my opinion!

And this guy isn't meeting yours, so the rational, strong, self-conpassionate thing to do is to end it and move one, as you are doing.

As I mentioned when I responded before, I think it is quite common at our age to find men on apps (and maybe there are women like this too?. Wno knows) who like the idea of having a girlfriend - someone available for companionship/sex on their terms - but once they feel they have secured her, the relationship then becomes their lowest priority, and other things, like DIY projects, hobbies, exercise, seeing friends etc, are consistently prioritised above the relationship.

Don't get me wrong. Some things, like their work/kids/their own mental health, SHOULD rightly come above the relationship.

But choosing to never have a weekend free because you go on cycling trips every time (as one of my friend's exes did) is a choice, not a necessity.

Well done for backing yourself enough to stand up for what you need, and I wish you luck in finding someone whose priorities and capacity for commitment/care better align with your own......

TwoTuesday · 08/02/2026 18:26

I think you've done the right thing there OP by walking away.
He is able to plan and organise when it suits him to do so. Lads holidays and football trips, well planned including hair cuts and whatever else they do whilst away (!). Planning time with you, half arsed. You have been very "cool" with him doing his own thing, he sounds 25 not 56 actually, but he is just not in a relationship compatible space, from what you've said. So yes, next.

CelticSilver · 10/02/2026 19:37

How are things, OP? Sending you good wishes x

VictoriaLynn · 10/02/2026 23:31

Hi @CelticSilver and thanks for checking in. Im good thanks. He texted a few times while he was away, holiday banter about what they were getting up to etc.
They arrived back around 4, Monday and he went straight to bed then today he visited his dad in afternoon, went out for dinner and went to the pub for a few then. He's back at work then until friday.
Rightly or wrongly that helped make make my mind up. I wasn't a priority when he went or when he got back. He asked me if I'd like to do something at the weekend and I just politely declined, thanked him for asking and said that things weren't working for me and that I think it's best we leave it.
He replied saying he loves me and wants to be with me but for me his actions don't match his words. He deserves to be with someone he will glady make time for and I deserve someone who will gladly make time for me.
So I'm now officially divorced and single 😁

OP posts:
myopinionis · 11/02/2026 10:10

Fair enough.

It just sounds to me like you're looking for some guy to be the perfect match for your commitment level. To respect your independence and leave you alone when you want, but also to be there and supportive immediately you want it. I don't know how realistic it is for someone to match your commitment level exactly - to know that today you are independent but tomorrow you need support. That's hard enough with a long-term partner, let alone a new boyfriend.

Also don't think getting support for a divorce off new partner is going to be easy!

VictoriaLynn · 11/02/2026 10:29

I don't need divorce support, I'm totally over my exh, it's just that he's being difficult atm
Its not unreasonable to expect effort in a committed relationship.

OP posts:
Beetlebum89 · 11/02/2026 10:42

I think he has made his position pretty clear. Chuck this one back.

VictoriaLynn · 11/02/2026 10:56

Thanks @Beetlebum89 I agree and look that's 100% but I was clear about my needs and expectations as was he but unfortunately what he said and what he did just didn't match and im more than a plaything 😁
He's a good man, just not the one for me.

OP posts:
Catza · 11/02/2026 11:12

VictoriaLynn · 11/02/2026 10:56

Thanks @Beetlebum89 I agree and look that's 100% but I was clear about my needs and expectations as was he but unfortunately what he said and what he did just didn't match and im more than a plaything 😁
He's a good man, just not the one for me.

I hope you are feeling OK. It's never easy even if it is our decision.

VictoriaLynn · 11/02/2026 11:50

Exactly @Catza and I wish things were different as we do really get along but I have communicated several times and there's a clear pattern.
I do wish him well and hope we both find partners better aligned to our needs.

OP posts:
Needaglowup · 11/02/2026 12:18

I think he sees you relationship very differently to you .. and a 56 year old going on holiday with other men 20 years younger then him , makes me think he’s got a bit of Peter Pan syndrome

VictoriaLynn · 11/02/2026 13:22

Needaglowup · 11/02/2026 12:18

I think he sees you relationship very differently to you .. and a 56 year old going on holiday with other men 20 years younger then him , makes me think he’s got a bit of Peter Pan syndrome

Possibly is right but as I say if people are honest from the outset about what they are offering it saves all this.
Thanks

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page