I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

She has said she doesn’t want Sex, she’s pleased he no longer tries.

Albeit she wants the cuddles and flirting, but he very understandably doesn’t.

You really need to go to therapy as a matter if urgency if you want to save your marriage.

They way you feel is not unusual or to be criticised in any way but you must be realistic about the potential implications and decide if you want to pre-empt a scenario whereby what happens in your marriage is no longer under your control.

Do you think realistically that your marriage can continue like this for the rest of your lives? Your husband is still young, what do you think is going to happen if he meets a woman who will give him what you will not? You found him attractive, maybe someone else will.

There's a very high chance he isn't going to spend his next 40 years in a sexless marriage.

Think ahead, not just about the here and now.

The wife is devastated that her husband is sleeping with someone else, after imposing years of celibacy on him? That hardly seems reasonable.

My STBxH couldn't hug me, or i couldn't hug him even after a bad day or with a health crisis ongoing without him starting grinding against me. It gave me the ick for all sexual encounters.

I don't think OP is solely to blame for her situation, and i think her H has emotionally damaged her as much as her rejection may have damaged him.

Me, neither. If they allegedly both fancy each other, wouldn't they want to have sex with each other at some point when they're both in one of the other rooms in their home (it's not the law that sex can only happen in a bedroom).

While I’m sure those situations do exist, she doesn’t seem to be referring to anything like that in hers?

There are a lot of us in sex-free relationships, for many years, that are very much not our choice, who have likely never ‘grinded’ on anybody. 🤢

She hasn't said that.

I'm not usually one for the poor menz shit...but fucking hell op.

I'm curious about reversals in libido upon encountering a new partner like this.

One assumes if the previous relationship had been bad enough to be turned off and shut down to all sex, then you would have come out with it and discussed it at the time

But it seems people say they love their partners, nothings changed. They just don't want sex.

Then they break up years later and meet someone new and walla! The fire burns?

I don't quite get it.

So you were lying to yourself when you said you loved the last partner and didn't have a solid reason for rejecting them sexually for months/years?

Agree. Why how is it unreasonable for the husband to feel deep resentment after years and years of rejection, knowing that his wife is only trying to reignite sex as a desperate measure to try to prevent the end of the marriage, rather than because she actually desires him. Who wants to have sex with someone that they know actively doesn't fancy them – what a miserable experience. Very few people could find any enjoyment in that.

I don't know if this has been said and don't have time to read 8 pages so forgive me if this has been said. I'm responding to posts saying that not having sex means a dead marriage.

There are many, many, happy sexless partnerships.

But it has to be mutual and absolutely equal.

Sexual excitement and interest peaks in the early stages of a relationship and reduces over time. Not to nothing but familiarity reduces sex drive for most people. Men tend to be more able to have 'go through the motions' sex with a long term partner despite reduced interest for a number of reasons. It's a known psychological and psychological process. It's why you want to rip each other's clothes off 24/7 when you first get together and over time it dwindles. I fancy my DH and we have great sex but I'm still happy with 2/3 times a week not morning and evening every day as we used to at one point!

Walla?

I'm guessing they mean voilà

I think a lot of the responses here are subtly putting responsibility on op to somehow 'make herself' want sex more, and that doesn’t feel entirely fair. Libido is shaped by stress, mental load, pressure, and crucially how enjoyable sex actually is!

If ops partner reliably gets pleasure from sex and she doesn't then I don't think it's so surprising that enthusiasm diverges over time!! It’s very hard to want something that doesn’t consistently feel good, or that starts to feel like something you’re doing primarily for someone else.

I don’t think this is about blaming ops husband either though. I get that repeated rejection hurts, and it makes sense that he’s protecting himself emotionally. But I do wonder whether the dynamic becomes too focused on how often he initiated, rather than on why sex wasn’t something she was wanting in the first place.
Curiosity about her experience of sex, what made it feel pressured, and what (if anything) might have made it more mutually enjoyable feels just as important as the frequency of initiation....

A sexless relationship can survive if it’s a mutual decision.

In your case you’ve made the decision to not have sex and taken away your husbands agency.

its marriage ending imo. Don’t be surprised if he wants to open the marriage or he looks elsewhere.

Poor bloke.

Then you and I are reading different things. She literally says she goes to bed relieved that sex isn't going to be initiated. And then complains that he doesn't flirt or have any physical contact with her.

I don't think you want to fix this. Sounds like you want advice on 1) how to stop feeling guilty and 2) how to get your husband on board with living the rest of his life in a sexless marriage while simultaneously receiving his affection. Doesn't sound particularly fun for him, does it?

I give 12 months till he cracks & leaves the marriage.

@deadpan

sounds like OP wants to have her cake and eat it… no sex and no pressure to have it but also kisses cuddles and flirtation at the same time. Yeh, no, not gonna happen

Do you not find him sexually attractive, or do you simply not want sex as often? I’d be concerned that he might be looking elsewhere. I can’t imagine a sexless marriage is fun for him particularly if he’s still virile. You don’t owe him sex every night but it’s very important to maintain intimacy in a marriage so both parties’ needs are met.

I think it depends why you don’t want sex. You’re young to lose your libido completely. Could it be hormonal? If so HRT could help. Looking into the problem could help your DH feel better about the situation as it shows it isn’t his fault.
Otherwise it sounds like you need to split.

😂lots of Americans say walla, not knowing it's actually et voilà (and there you go).

Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

For his sake you need couples therapy. Even if this ultimately means you split. You may be relieved by the lack of sex. But it sounds as though you're hurting him in the process. That's just not sustainable long term.