I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

@Wellthisisdifficult isn't marriage supposed to be a mutual thing. She doesn't want as much sex as he does so he's fine having an affair?

@Additup so is feeling guilted into having sex when you don't want it. She hasn't said she doesn't want to at all, just that she doesn't want it as much as he does.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.

Kindly - what else did you expect? You have essentially friend zoned your husband and expect him to enjoy a sexless marriage. Why would he flirt - he has been rejected so many times he must be so dejected. you have a marriage solely which works for you and not him.

You can’t have it all your own way op. I don’t blame him in the slightest, you could of tried to improve things but didn’t. You friend zoned him first, now deal with the consequences.

Op, seek some therapy. Find out why you dislike sex so much.
There might be something you can change that makes you feel joyous and like instgating intimacy.
Did you enjoy sex at different times in the day? Were you relaxed in the mornings? Do you think you are gay?

Seek some answers from a professional.
Once you understand yourself maybe couples therapy might help respark the relationship.

Otherwise it is cruel, on both of you, to pretend.

That doesn't mean he was initiating sex every night, it just means that, every night, OP worried that he might initiate it that night. For all we know he might have been initiating it once a fortnight. Perfectly natural and healthy, but still too much for OP.

Your comment is far more stupid.

it’s obvious what’s happening here.

But equally he shouldn’t be guilted into giving hugs and affection.

That's exactly what she has said though. She is relieved that she can go to bed and not think about sex. She doesn't have to expect him to initiate sex. So, basically, she does not want sex at all.

This in abundance
Fwiw OP, I fully understand why you feel you don't have the reserves for sex but I really hope feel that you have to work on this and rebuild intimacy.
Step by step

Have you thought about having therapy to understand what has happened, or medical investigations?
Seems quite selfish to shutdown such a core part of marriage. Are you happy for you and your husband to spend the next half century without sex? I am not saying have sex you don't want, just wondering if you would check to see if you can restore things.

Yes. In a way, this reads as the OP still wanting to be validated as sexually attractive by her husband but while her husband will be feeling entirely sexually unattractive and rejected.

It’s very hard to explain, but when you’re on the receiving end of a sex-free relationship, you, after years of it, begin to see the person withholding sex as asexual, like a friend or a relative. So if they make some kind of joke or reference to sex it gives you the ick in a different way. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.

You say you don't want to damage him emotionally but that's what you are doing.
You are avoiding physical intimacy and he is avoiding emotional intimacy in return which is totally understandable.
Marriage is a compromise and it's also conditional whether you like it or not, you have broken the conditions ,it's sad but if you won't /can't satisfy each other's needs -whatever they may be then you either have to try and fix things or part, because eventually something will give and one of you will say enough is enough.
If you can't talk this through together then see a therapist who may be able to help you , it's really sad when you love each other and you are still young .

Had an honest conversation with him about her feelings, after examining them herself (maybe with the help of a therapist). Plotted a way forwards together - whether that’s as a couple with therapy and a commitment to sharing a sex life that works for both of them , a couple that are just friends, or as separate people.

Not really sure what distinction you're drawing between finding a partner 'sexy physically' and finding them sexy 'intimately'.

Either you find your partner sexy, and therefore would like to have sex with them, or you don't.

The OP doesn't want to have sex with her husband, because she doesn't find him sexy. Suggesting she tell him she finds him sexy when it's a lie (and he'll know instantly it's a lie, he's clearly not an idiot) is frankly bizarre, as well as downright cruel.

Sadly what’s happened is almost inevitable. Constant rejection leads to a point where you simply stop bothering as carrying on leads to more and more frustration or arguments and once you make the decision to stop trying to initiate sex, you also stop touching, cuddling etc because that risks trying to initiate sex which you’ve decided to stop. Not sure what the answer is,but, longer term such a relationship is not sustainable

Yes. I think what this is, is the person withholding sex still wants to be validated as sexually attractive - lovable basically, even though the person that is on the receiving end feels entirely rejected and unwanted.

Where is any form of communication here - you have both shut down and IMO that is the issue not the mismatched sex drives

You describe two strangers almost living together not a couple

I understand the tension around sex, because my husband has a habit of always dithering coming to bed, then initiating right as I'm into my book or actively drifting off to sleep.

But it was the wrong approach altogether to put a stop to intimacy.

What helps is taking sex off the table - but promising to be intimate without sex. Agreeing that it will only be cuddles, a few kisses etc depressures the situation. And scheduled sex when you're both on an easy day (no tiring commute, no days packed with meetings etc) isn't the worst idea either.

You know you have an issue in your marriage , you need to set it because you are both so young and you should be enjoying each other .
In my case I have higher sex drive than my husband , so yes I stopped trying for it 4 times a week , we compromised in 1 to 2 times now . But I think completely going off sex , especially after being rejected for so long can mean a lot of things , maybe is is no longer in love , maybe he is tired if feeling rejected , maybe it’s affecting him emotionally and he thinks you don’t love him .
Whatever it is you need to find out and sort it out together or it will kill your marriage .

I think for most with this incompatibility they rarely resolve it, people don't want to accept that but it's true, instead they would rather blame it on the one who doesn't want to have sex and act like it's in their power to start to enjoy sex.

Absolutely no way would I stay in a celibate relationship at that age either, sometimes if it's the man who doesn't want sex there's a quick fix with testosterone, but if it was anything else like he didn't enjoy it and we had to put a ton of work into trying to get him to enjoy it I wouldn't want that either, it would make me feel disgusted. I wouldn't see him as the bad guy, which is often how people are painted when they don't want sex.

This was me too (except my ex would get very stroppy when I said no to sex). I knew we would never be compatible sexually again and that the only solution was to set him free to find someone else he could be happier with, which he has. I meanwhile have the luxury of going to bed every night knowing I will never ever have to be subjected to his attentions ever again.

It’s really unfair to expect someone to consistently meet your intimacy needs only but not want to reciprocate. You felt nervous and on edge when he touched you as you thought it could potential lead to sex. So of course he doesn’t touch you at all. why would he. If my partner froze up every time I hugged or kissed them I wouldn’t do it anymore. I’d be devasted.

at some point it becomes a point where the only person getting their needs met is you. How is that sustainable for him?

no one wants to flirt with someone who does t desire them

OP I know a couple (friends) who were in the same position as you. Wife did not want sex, kept rejecting the DH and it went on for years.

Now I wouldn't say the DH reaction was as nice as your DHs. But he did also shut down. Eventually the wife realised that the marriage could end and tried to fix things and re-establish sex, but at that point, he rejected her attempts out of very bitter resentment (this is the bit I disagree with as I think forgiveness would have been the right way forward) and they have consequently lived together as flat sharers for the sake of their two children. She too, just became relieved when she realised over time that he would stay around anyway.

Unfortunately the husband went abroad to Canada for a 6 week work secondment and met a female coworker from South Africa and quickly became infatuated, followed her back to her home country and is now acting like a man who hasn't drank water for years and moving along in the relationship very quickly and seemingly without caution, BUT he insists he still does not want to divorce the wife because of their children. He thinks the wife doesn't care about the fact he has someone else and is sleeping with her, because of the no-sex status quo they have kept for years.

She very much cares and is devastated. He's acting like a fool because it's just been so long that he's felt wanted, that he isn't looking at the term viability of the new relationship. He fully expects his wife to put up with it and not say a word in protest and is being very callous and not hiding anything as a result.

It's a sad mess.

My advice OP, is do something, now, to fix things in your marriage before they get to end point. I liked the suggestion of a weekly sex appointment if you feel inclined.

Otherwise the marriage will end. Your DH will eventually meet someone. It could be someone totally unsuitable, but the attention could make him behave ridiculously. At that point, you would possibly be negotiating a divorce from a place of disadvantage.

Make some decisions. Take some actions.
Best of luck!!

Would you be ok with him getting sex elsewhere, OP? That might be best answer and keep you both happy @MaryPoppins89