I feel relieved that my husband stopped initiating sex

[MaryPoppins89]

My husband is (43m) and I'm (42f) and we have two kids (12f,15m).we have very different sex drives, He wants sex far more often than I do, and this has been an issue for years.

For a long time, every night felt tense to me. When he’d initiate, I’d immediately feel stressed because I knew there were only two outcomes: I’d say no and hurt him, or I’d say yes when I didn’t really want to and feel resentful afterward. Even though he was calm about rejection, the disappointment was always there, and I carried that guilt around constantly.

After years of this pattern, he stopped initiating altogether, And honestly I felt relieved, I didn’t realize how much the anticipation alone was affecting me until it was gone. I could go to bed without bracing my self, I could relax around him without worrying that a hug or cuddle would turn into something I wasn’t ready for. The pressure finally stopped.

The problem is that it didn’t just stop the sex, it stopped everything, He barely touches me now. No flirting, no lingering hugs, no playful comments.
Recently he told me he stopped initiating because it hurt too much to keep being rejected and that he’s trying to shut down his sexual side completely so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That crushed me,I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like something is wrong with him. I love him and I don’t want to damage him emotionally, At the same time, I can’t deny that my day to day life feels calmer now that the sexual tension is gone, I haven’t told him I feel relieved, because that feels cruel, but I also feel like a bad wife for preferring peace over intimacy.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy sex life. But I think some people are very delusional about this, if you don't have a healthy sex life you're not going to get one by initiating with your partner all the time and accepting sex that your partner is reluctant to have.

Here we go again. The few of us on this thread that have shared that we're in, or have been in, sexless marriages, and feeling very sad about it are clearly not, god, can't believe I have to type this again, but here we go:

1. Pestering
2. Trying it on
3. Grinding
4. Initiating it every night
5. And any other seedy suggestions you'd like to add

Want to know what most of us do? Lie alone on our side of the bed, or in a separate bedroom, knowing we'll never risk suggesting having sex again as the risk of rejection is too great. While also not knowing exactly why. Just that in some undefined way, we're not good enough. We are probably less likely to initiate sex, ever again, than anybody else, in fact! Based on this thread though, we should:

1. Offer up all other physical affection or be abusive in 'withholding it'
2. Not offer up other physical affection as it may put the other partner under pressure.

Thank you for the groundbreaking advice, hundreds of comments in.

I would absolutely assume he's getting it elsewhere.
They no longer need to initiate it when they're getting it and the fact he's turned off all emotion towards you then someone else is benefiting from it.

I actually don't think so in this case. For me, it was a case of just giving up, if you're rejected long enough it just all shuts down with sadness, maybe feeling numb in that way.

It's also obviously just complicated, you're being rejected physically in one way, it's not surprising it would make other types of physical affection complicated.

I'm not talking about the people who accept it, I'm talking about the people who do continue to initiate often, often years into a sexless relationship.

And I definitely don't think that anyone in that situation has to still continue affectionate, I hate the term withholding in the context of sex or affection. It makes sense that many in that situation stop wanting to be affectionate when there is no longer sex in the relationship

I don’t think it is the mismatched libido that is the primary problem but your lack of communication. You didn’t talk to him about how you felt and rejected him continuously and now he has opened up about his feelings and it is like that has made you shut down further.

This
never ceases to amaze me that in order to prevent your otherwise happy life from blowing up someone can’t mentality compartmentalise , a hand job one week , a quickie the other - sometimes takes time than emptying and reloading the dishwasher.
Im not sure my ex-husband loved or even remotely enjoyed taking every hour overtime going, late at night , Sundays or bank holidays , but he cracked on and did it -sucked it up buttercup -for the good of our relationship because he knew that for me it was never about the actual cash, it was the commitment and the investment in us as a unit moving forward together- the extra little treats/ being able to get the kids an ice cream on a walk out / taking the pressure off me worrying about the heating bills I’m winter
all that effort on his part was definitely worth the odd blow job ir bunk up in my view

I'm 10 years older than you. DH and I both stopped trying. Now we are getting a divorce. Be warned. This isn't going to end well.

Unlikely to work for a couple of reasons,

I think this was probably easier decades ago when the one who wanted sex would have accepted unenthusiastic sex or sexual acts, but these days when I see people discuss this issue online they don't want that, they want enthusiasm and passion and 'just do it' sex or sexual acts aren't good enough.
Personally I wouldn't stay in a sexless relationship but if I was I'd rather no sex rather than someone go through with it for my sake, that really would make me feel sick.

Also in general I think people are less able to tolerate things they can't stand these days, people are just primed for stress and are more easily traumatised.

Don't be 'relieved' that he's no longer initiating sex, be WORRIED!! I'm being honest here; he is getting it elsewhere. It's as simple as that. Men cannot and won't go without sex. If you won't give it to him, he will get it elsewhere, I promise you. Why are you in a marriage, when you don't want to be in a relationship with him? Marriage is primarily (though not all of course) about sex. Without it, you are simply friends, flatmates. Housemates. That's it. Then women like yourself are shocked when you learn he's having an affair.

He has given up, he's figured that you don't love him, and is no longer in a relationship with you hence the withdrawal of other affection. Why would he, when you don't love him like that? You want a marriage without sex. That's not gonna happen. He wants sex. He is a married man. That's the point of marriage. You can't have it both ways. You're housemates - that's it. And I promise you, he is getting it elsewhere. So either let him go to truly be happy with someone else out in the open as you don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, or do something to rekindle your relationship.

Time for a divorce. This situation is not fair on either of you.

This, If you love your husband why would you not want to sleep with him.

You mean unilaterally.

Yeah it's pretty weird that he can no longer show affection of any kind because it's all "sexual." Doesn't sound like a very loving person to me.

Have you done anything to address your lack of libido or have you done anything as a couple to address this?

OP doesn’t sound like the loving person in this relationship TBH.

Because the OP immediately believes that he wants sex. If he hasn't actually had sex for some while he's likely to become sexually excited quicker, she's cross because that's not wanted and so on. They are probably trapped in a vicious circle where any touch is thought to be a prelude to sex not just a loving gesture. So they both stop being affectionate, and the downward spiral continues.

Having mismatched sex drives is completely normal & you should never feel pressure. As my mam used to say, if he's not getting it from you, he'll get it elsewhere. Be prepared that may end up a horrible reality.

He's checking out OP. He is going to want to have sex and if it's not with you it will be with someone else eventually.

I was you, and he had an affair.

I don't think people should be pressured into sex they don't want, but I'm not on board with the "don't like scheduling it" thing. When you're dating, you schedule sex all the time. You know you're seeing your boyfriend on Friday night so you plan for sex, do all the grooming or new lingerie or whatever it is you do to get ready.

So, he wants to stay married, but also have sex. She also wants to stay married, but has elected not to have sex with her DH for years. Isn't she also guilty of having her cake and eating it, over a much longer period of time?

Just seen this thread on Twitter/X so you may want it taken down.

I would also ask the OP what she is getting out of the relationship. And what she is putting in.

Thats not my opinion, I was was quoting a PP (who tbf wasn't referring to the OP I dont think)

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