Did anyone make peace with the fact that DH doesn’t help as much as he should?

[FryingPam]

Just that really…if your DH didn’t do as much as he should with sharing the load of looking after your child but was a kind husband and loving father otherwise, did you manage to make peace with the fact that childcare is mostly on you and continue the marriage?

I don’t want to divorce for many reasons, but we are past the point of discussions, honest talks, stern talks…it’s either leaving him or accepting that childcare is on me.

(We’re not talking about a man that does nothing at all or spends his nights in the pub, he does help, it’s just not a fair share and I am the default parent and the one that needs to juggle job and childcare).

To be honest that would seriously erode my feelings for him. I would rather leave than live with someone I had lost respect for in that way.

It wouldn’t be a relationship I had the slightest interest in wanting to continue. After maternity leave ended, DS was both our project. DH wasn’t ‘helping’ me with him. He’s his child too, and just as much his responsibility.

Please, whatever you do, make sure that ‘juggling’ your job and childcare do not impede your career and financial future.

Yup. I’ve been there. And continue to be even though we are split and it’s 50/50 (and I say that with a huge dollop of irony)

Its unforgivable. But you’re going to have to accept it because even if you leave, it will be the same story.

If he was kind and loving he would share the load. My husband does he equal share (and often more) because he doesn’t want to see me tired and stressed if there is something he can do something about it. I couldn’t stay with someone who clearly didn’t care enough for me.

Yes, I did. It helped that my husband is by far the higher earner. I have balanced it out by working four days a week and making sure I enjoy my day off (gym, massage etc). He hated having young children and does not even see what needs to be done around the house. However, he is a much better father to teenagers, hard working, fun and generous. I think everyone needs to decide if there is enough to make you happy. For me, there was and is. But if I’d been the higher earner as well, I think I’d have struggled.

One of the midwifes said before I gave birth to my child that there are jobs only one does when she was asked about breastfeeding in an ante natal class. and this is how I see it. I do some jobs, my husband does some jobs. Do I do more? Yes, I do but that is fine because I can. Perhaps you can find some other parts you can give the responsibility for to your husband: Cooking, cleaning, taxes, home maintanance,...

What is important though is that if things get rough (and I voice it) then my husband steps up for a bit. I know he is completely capable of doing most things but really there is no need for both of us to read all the school communication, book sports clubs, prepare school lunches etc.

Who is he helping? Needs a total reframe to start with. He’s not helping you by doing what needs to be done for the family. These aren’t your tasks that he helps with.

Interesting views so far…not saying that this doesn’t affect my feelings for him, but the truth is that I’d be worse off if I divorce. It would be even more difficult to manage because at the moment there’s at least some help in the evenings and I can take the occasional evening to either have my own ‘me time’ or catch up on work I missed during the day. Plus my DS adores him and I don’t want him lose out on regular contact.

Stop using the world help.

Thank you for this perspective

You’d have time to yourself if you separated though- as surely he’d have contact?

I’m well aware that it shouldn’t be that way, but that’s the situation I’m in, which is the whole point of this thread

When my husband plays his part in parenting our kids it’s because he loves them, wants them to have a good life, for a wonderful relationship with them, because we’re a team. Same as me. If he didn’t I’d be pissed off he thinks he’s too good for normal housework and parenting but I’d be hurt for the kids that he wasn’t interested in being a full part of their lives. I wouldn’t be able to live with that. He chose to have them, he owes them now they’re here.

Are you using the word with him though? ‘You’re not helping with…’ ‘You need to help me with…’ Does he use it with you? ‘Do you need help with…?’ ‘I’ve helped by taking the kids to school.’ ‘I’ve helped to put the washing in.’

I think it’s incredibly hard to make your peace with it because it’s just so unfair and it’ll be you and the children who suffer long term.

We got a cleaner. And he paid for it.

Did he want children?

"Help" states it is your job, he is a parent too which is why the word help isn't useful when pointing out that a Dad is shirking his parenting responsibilities. If you say can you help this puts a different spin on how your husband sees their role too.

I know you have tried talking, have you tried delegating? Putting the responsibility for things onto him? Don't ask, tell him, don't give him an option. This might be the only way moving forward. I think you are close to contempt and that is a marriage killer.

Maybe you should also ask him what he tells himself when he leaves it all to you. How does he justify it in his mind? Is he this lazy at work? Or is it just in the home? Just trying to unpick his brain a bit. I would also be unavailable, go out, make plans so he has to do it all in your absence.

Yes women using the word help is actually part of the problem. Men who clean and cook and look after their own children are not helping anyone, they're fulfilling their responsibilities and contributing their fair share.

You say you'd be worse off if you left but you wouldn't. Resentment will grow and your child is going to grow up in a home with a disinterested parent which will most definitely have an impact on their self esteem.

It's not something I could tolerate personally, I'd rather be single and do it all alone, in fact I did!

Was he very keen on having children? It seems a lot of men go along with it because it's expected rather than something they actively want and this is the result.

I would expect it to be balanced in other ways. Much more money, more housework. That’s the only compromise I’d be willing to make. Why would I do more of everything and earn the same. I might as well buy a house with a best mate and have a part time boyfriend.

Your H could still see his son if you were to separate if he chose to. Do you want your son potentially emulating his dad's attitude with regard to childcare (and perhaps other tasks to do with the home?).

And indeed stop seeing what he does or equally does not as help because he is equally responsible for all that happens within the house.

Staying with someone like this for the sake of the child (particularly that reason) or perhaps a lifestyle you want to maintain is a mistake. You're also selling yourself short.

Are their jobs at his work that he doesn’t do - simply because he doesn’t feel like it, can’t be bothered, too much effort, beneath him, etc…….

Yeah I did that in my first marriage.
Resentment grew. Killed the relationship.

Now I have someone who shares the load in anyway he can (and he isnt even the father to the children) but he does more for them (and me) than their father does/did.

Dont kid yourself. It's always a choice. Some men actively chose to not help and get away with it. I set my bar higher this time.

But really there no point in having a life or procreating with someone who won’t be an equal and active parent.

Yes I broadly agree with this. It doesn't always have to be so black and white as 'things must be exactly as you wish them or leave'.

There were, and are, many other reasons that I stayed, even though I struggled with him not helping - and we got through it. It's not always just about one thing, or even one period of your life, it's a balance of what's happening at the time