Did anyone make peace with the fact that DH doesn’t help as much as he should?

[FryingPam]

Just that really…if your DH didn’t do as much as he should with sharing the load of looking after your child but was a kind husband and loving father otherwise, did you manage to make peace with the fact that childcare is mostly on you and continue the marriage?

I don’t want to divorce for many reasons, but we are past the point of discussions, honest talks, stern talks…it’s either leaving him or accepting that childcare is on me.

(We’re not talking about a man that does nothing at all or spends his nights in the pub, he does help, it’s just not a fair share and I am the default parent and the one that needs to juggle job and childcare).

I think there's a few issues here to be honest.

Him going out every morning before work wouldn't bother me, as he is coming home, being very present with your child and cooking dinner etc, it sounds like you could have 2 hours of downtime a day if you wanted it? Don't begrudge him time to himself when he is doing a portion of it before your child even wakes up for the day and the trade off is he is there every evening very happy to get stuck in with childcare/cooking/cleaning etc.

The work thing is tricky, my DH has a very inflexible job, can't even have his phone on him, and it was a given that when we had a child that I'd be the one responsible for childcare during work hours as my job is full time, but very flexible. Without knowing what you both do and what your hours are, it's hard to say what the situation is unreasonable of him or not?

If he was a detached husband and dad in the evenings at weekend, I would take a very dim view of him disappearing in the mornings, but I can't see a problem him compressing his downtime in to the mornings to free himself up to be everything you need him to be in the evenings.

The thing that worked best in my situation was simply downing tools. Obviously you have to do a minimum to make sure the children are okay, but there's an awful lot you could simply stop doing. Eventually he'll pick up the slack if he wants to live in a tidy house and have clean clothes.

Yes, I have considered taking more evenings, but I do feel guilty because cooking while looking after DS requires some multi-tasking.

As, I'm sure, does sorting his breakfast and getting him dressed and ready for nursery in the morning.

But your DH doesn't feel guilty about that whilst he's sat having his coffee / doing his gym workout does he?

Kind of.

There's stuff he does do...so he does more than 50% of that, eg lifts and school runs. And I let him as I do more than 50% of other stuff.

I work more now so he does more of the morning chaos. Being less available can be good.

The children get a lot easier too.

But I do more of the emotional stuff. Because I want to be there for the children for that. I like being involved in their lives.

He rarely helped with homework but now helps a bit with projects (that I know nothing about so I leave that fully to him).

I do less wife work now. He sorts presents for all his side of the family (or they don't get anything). He invites people...he has to sort all that.

I don't think your situation should mean immediate divorce, but in your shoes I would be aware it could end that way, and be planning accordingly. There is a degree of selfishness from him that might erode your feelings over time to the point where it tips the balance towards leaving. If he prioritises his job, you need to make sure you remain financially independent. I'd hate to see you end up leaving in 10 years, and ending up worse off than him financially while he is sitting pretty. That is the issue I would be addressing, rather than the free time.

I think he definitely needs to step up at least two mornings of the working week. This would provide more balance. He could make up these gym sessions in the evening when ds is in bed.

He may be great at everything else but mornings are tricky when you have to do everything and be out the door at a certain time. He is simply being unfair.

I’m not sure I would divorce but I certainly wouldn’t be considering more children with him and would perhaps be looking at ways you could survive on your own if things do not change.

Am I right in thinking that this is a new problem - your child is only a few months old? In which case, although you say you've done all the talking and it hasn't solved the issue, I think this is still very much a solvable problem. My DP and I had this problem for nearly ten years, and in the last year have solved it. To my mind there are different ways of approaching this, all of which need to be discussed openly and agreed.

The first is that you have different roles. You do more of the childcare, he does more of the DIY. You do more cooking, he works more outside the house. Whatever. You have to both be happy with the role you choose.

The second approach is that you split everything 50:50. This is what me and my DP do but it's very difficult because you can end up with a lot of nitpicking and resentment. You think you're doing 60% or 70% and he's only doing 30 or 40% and he thinks the same. The way you resolve this is by both of you believing you're doing more than your fair share and seeing this as what you need to do to keep the family running. There has to be a spirit of love and generosity towards each other. You don't solve it by comparing yourself to other people. It sounds like your DH is comparing himself to other men, which is spectacularly unhelpful because a) many other men are useless and b) they might have a completely different set up, e.g. a stay at home wife.

So the long and the short of it is that you need to invest hugely in communication and in your relationship. I'm talking marriage counselling, daily catch-ups, reading, work on shared interests. If you do this, the pay-off is huge in terms of the strength of your marriage. If you think this just isn't feasible, or it isn't feasible right now, look to option 1. Carve out different roles. If he's going to the gym every morning and that's never going to be fair, he pays for a mother's help in the mornings or he relieves you of a different task (perhaps he does all the cooking, including batch cooking at weekends) or he earns more so you can drop a day at work to have a day to yourself.

Learn from your husband and ignore the guilt. Guilt is what traps us into conditions and lifestyles we hate.

Why would l make peace?! Earlier in our relationship then my husband wasn't doing his share. I made it crystal clear l wasn't going to do his share and he needed to step up which he did. Best thing all round as we ended up having twins and we both work full time so life is busy so everyone has to pull their weight

What are your jobs? How much do each of you earn?

If you’re working the same (or more) hours for the same (or more) money, I’m team OP.

If OP’s working part time and low paid, and DH is a surgeon making six times more, I’m team DH.

This. If he doesn't want to do mornings, then he can do evenings instead. He can't just opt out and not do any lifestyle changes after having a child

Tbh OP, I think most of the mothers I know are in this position to some extent, but more through the husbands just being a bit lazier rather than actually taking themselves out of the house non-negotiably every single morning.

Your situation is a bit more extreme as your DH is being very selfish to not adapt his routine at all, I'd be absolutely fuming if my DH insisted on this, but he never would. He could at least cut down to every other day so that he can help in the mornings.

I 100% do more than my DH for our child, as do most of my friends for their children, but not through the dads just prioritising their own hobbies (although I do see threads quite frequently on here about it). More often they are present but just not as engaged/proactive with what the children need to do and when.

Does your DH completely refuse to change his routine at all?

I’m also a default parent, in charge of all communications with school, friends, arranging extra activities/ events, checking children’s homework, etc.
I do more housework and general home admin than him. A part from a school run in the morning and a minimum amount of housework, he is a bit clueless on what else he needs to do unless I request him specifically.

On the other side, he has a more demanding job, works more hours. We both work full time but I have less stressful job and more holidays. He earns 3 times as much, that means we can have a cleaner, buy in extra services whenever needed, meals out whenever I’m busy/ tired, etc.

I wish he could be a more engaged and proactive dad, but I guess he’s contributed his share in different ways (through providing to the family - we share finance and he never controls how I spend the money. So yes he doesn’t do much housework/ admin stuff but he doesn’t stop me from purchasing in any help either. He is also very supportive when I express clearly that I need time for myself or need rest).

Yes I feel annoyed at him sometimes but I’ve made peace with the fact people have different strength and weaknesses and as a team, we try to do what we’re best at.

Totally this.

A partner’s selfishness ultimately leads to resentment, and resentment, over time, will almost invariably erode the relationship.

I feel very strongly that, with around half of marriages ending in divorce, it isn’t smart to give up financial independence. Women need to prioritise their own interests way more. Being in a relationship where the male earns two or three times more is a risky strategy.

Take the same amount of time for yourself each evening
Doesn't make for a good relationship having to do this but seems like the only alternative is resentment and then your marriage is over so you may as well fight fire with fire and see how he likes it

Depends. If picks up the slack in other ways.... Earns a better wage. You've said hes a great dad so I assume hes not disinterested in your kids

What strikes me is that even in your own mind (and from what you've written here), you are expecting him to 'help' more. You have used the word quite a lot.

You seem to have accepted that you are the doer and he's the helper.

He seems to have fallen into assuming that his job is more important than yours, therefore anything child-related is 100% down to you to sort out.

As this is an anonymous forum I’m going to be brutally honest and say it would all depend how much money he makes.

Enough to fund a comfortable lifestyle and maybe buy in some help every now and again? Absolutely no problem.

Similar to me? Not good.

I sort of have but it gets incredibly frustrating sometimes. I know where you are coming from

If he always cooks dinner, that's not bad.

I would say that I did the majority of the childcare. My kids are now in their 20s. I worked part time when the kids were younger, but he certainly could have done a lot more.

My way of coping was to ensure I had time for myself and he had to look after the kids when I went out. It didn't stop me going on holidays or girl's weekends, so he had to be fully responsible for the kids.

I did pretty much everything for the kids on a day to day basis... he didn't cook for us all like your DH. We did family stuff together and couples stuff.

The thing is...his memory is that he did a lot with them. I've told him that's delusional.

As the kids were getting older, they didn't need me as much and I did a lot more stuff for myself.

Can he balance it in other ways - ie pay for a cleaner? Cover more so you can go part time and have time to yourself while DC are in school?

If he made it "equal" in other ways like this so I got a decent break, I think I could live with it. Otherwise, no

Yes my DH was like this after our first DC was born and I put a lot in a lot of thought and decided to stay anyway. It's got easier as our kids have got older. They're teens now and I've stayed part -time even though I'm the higher earner, so we both earn the same but I get a day off completely to myself each week which I really need. Insist on finding some time to yourself, it's essential. I know a hundred percent that my DH would skip off into freedom if we split when they were little too and everything would still fall on me so by staying with him I was much better off. My DH is reasonable enough to accept that I do everything for the kids and house so he will do anything I tell him to do, he picks up the last minute groceries, fixes things, etc and he is generally grateful. I do love him and his company too which helps.

“Yes, I have considered taking more evenings, but I do feel guilty because cooking while looking after DS requires some multi-tasking.”

but that’s what you do every morning getting DC and yourself ready and so not really an excuse and you shouldn’t think of it this way

But getting yourself and an infant ready in the mornings also requires multitasking...

You'll never see him as you did before because you can't un-know that he's selfish like this. The trick to not resenting him is to be more selfish yourself. I use selfish for want of a better word because taking equal time to yourself isn't selfish in the slightest but I can see that you feel like it would be. Let him have his mornings to gym/coffee/start his day fresh...you should take equal time in the evenings to exercise/unwind/go to bed relaxed.