Did anyone make peace with the fact that DH doesn’t help as much as he should?

[FryingPam]

Just that really…if your DH didn’t do as much as he should with sharing the load of looking after your child but was a kind husband and loving father otherwise, did you manage to make peace with the fact that childcare is mostly on you and continue the marriage?

I don’t want to divorce for many reasons, but we are past the point of discussions, honest talks, stern talks…it’s either leaving him or accepting that childcare is on me.

(We’re not talking about a man that does nothing at all or spends his nights in the pub, he does help, it’s just not a fair share and I am the default parent and the one that needs to juggle job and childcare).

That's not nothing OP. I think a certain level of disappointment with a partner is normal and can be made bearable with certain adjustments, like your day off to get massages etc. As pp have said, you would face the same issues as separated parents. If I still loved him and enjoyed other aspects of being with him, I would stay.

I dont have or want kids but if I did the only way I would accept this is if he brought in massively more money than me

If he was disinterested in his child, I’d probably leave. But he’s not, he comes straight home after work because he misses DS, then interacts with him during the evening, and doesn’t even want to go out in the evening ever because he prefers to spend time with DS instead. The issue is that he has a non-negotiable ‘me time’ every morning before work which leaves me with all the morning jobs and nursery drop offs, and that he’s very hard working in his job and won’t take time off if one of us needs to be with DS due to him being unwell and off nursery.

But does that apply once the children are actually there, and love the less than fully active parent as much as the grafter?

Ok so he doesn't care about the impact his behaviour has on you or your job security then? What he wants is more important. He's just another selfish man by the sounds of it.

But surely if he is caring for your child in evenings, you are then getting your "me time"

The illness and who takes time off work is always tricky but surely the most sensible answer is to do with finances here. If one parent looses more money to have a day off, then surely you go with the one who looses less money? And often children when ill do prefer their mum

Well that.is selfish of him, and very annoying. But it would not on its own make me leave if other things were good enough. Are they ?

Yes, I do think these last months since our child was born have revealed a more selfish side in him and it became clear that he puts his own job first and is less concerned about the impact on my work

If he was 'kind and loving' he would be actively making sure you weren't doing more than your fair share, as a kind person wouldnt want to see someone else (especially not someone they loved) doing the housework/childcare while they pursued hobbies etc.
If he was 'kind and loving' he would be making sure his DS wasn't growing up with the example that the woman does the lions share of the domestic work.
He might be nice, and he might be kind and loving in basic terms, like he helps DS up if he falls, he buys you a Valentines card, he says all the right words, but it is not kind or loving to let someone else bear the burden of all the work. It wouldnt be considered acceptable in a workplace, its not acceptable to do this to someone you love. Its not acceptable that he knows its an issue and yet still subconsciously just knows you'll get everything done.
Its also not kind or loving behaviour for him to not think about how this dynamic will present to DS as he gets older, a kind and loving man would want DS to grow up seeing everyone pull their weight, and not learning that housework and childcare is primarily a woman's domain.
Of course your DS adores him - he's his dad and kids are easily pleased. Doesnt mean his dad is doing a good job.

If one parent looses more money to have a day off, then surely you go with the one who looses less money?

And this is why the patriarchy is alive and well. Women continue to put their own careers and financial futures second. Men hardly ever do this. Which is why so many women end up poor in their old age.

Kind of, yes.

My late Dh was a lovely man, adored ds, loved me. He was completely unused to babies and young children. Tbh I didn’t think he was always very safe to care for ds. He certainly made decisions that I would never ever have done and some that shocked me. He might not have thought I was doing as much as all that, but I would estimate I did 80% up until age 5.

As ds got older and more interactive, dh was a LOT better and spotted some things in ds that I would never have considered. I also went back to work full time while he was at home, initially wfh part time and then full time SAHD. He still didn’t do as much as others assumed the home based parent did, but the balance was better.

I don’t regret staying. We were a family and we did the best we could. People aren’t perfect.

That’s kind of where I am at…all things considered, it’s just not enough for me to divorce. For me, with a child in the mix, I’d only divorce if there was any form of abuse or if the father is clearly disinterested in his child and doesn’t add value to their life. As this is not the case, I’m trying to make peace with the fact that I’m the main care giver and I’m looking for ways to get past resentment and see him as I did before.

What did your DH say when you did discussed this issue?

So if nursery called to say your child was sick and he needed to pick up what would he do?

My mother wasn't bothered by my father not pulling his weight. However over time my brother and I could see the discrepancy quite clearly and were not impressed. We've never had any respect for our father and that's one of the bigger reasons why. Is that what you want your children to grow up seeing?

I’m trying to make peace with the fact that I’m the main care giver and I’m looking for ways to get past resentment and see him as I did before.

Resentment is a big word. Resentment, once it becomes entrenched, is probably one of the main reasons why marriages fail.

In your shoes I would think very carefully about your own needs and how they can be met. Are you planning more children - I wouldn’t.

If money was tight, Why on earth would you lose more money just to maintain patriarchy?! Common sense prevails sometimes.

The way the country is set up, women already suffer in careers because they are pregnant, because they go on maternity leave and because they have dependant children. Its not right, but its the way this country works. Adjusting which parent takes time off based on not danaging a woman's career is a lot like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

We take turns in our household as our pay is very similar. But often this is not the case.

And a man who disrepects his wife/the mother of his children this way is NOT a good father.

Perhaps he is becoming MORE selfish and is reaching a level you can't tolerate?
If your child was an independent young adult would you want to stay married?
I applaud your reluctance to leave a marriage in which a young child is happy without a very good reason. But that should not mean blinding yourself to things which make you unhappy.
Counselling could help.

Just to add to that - did it change the way I looked at him? Well, yes. Men who prove unable to look after children at all effectively are a pain, there’s no way round it. Inevitably our sex life suffered at times, because I was knackered, and because being inept and unimaginative is unattractive, especially if you think as many of us do that there isn’t anything more important than doing a good job with your children. As I say, as ds got older things improved. I also wasn’t afraid to gather resources elsewhere - ds was lucky in his grandparents and we had an amazing network of local friends.

He gets very defensive and says how he never goes to the pub like other men, always cooks dinner for us, and all he’s trying to do is be there for us and work hard, and that I’m being unfair with keeping a tab on the jobs I do.

What would happen if you just didn't do those morning jobs and left them to be equally done later?

What is he doing during this non negotiable me time in the morning?

Call me.

But does he add value to your life?
Staying together purely for the sake of children is rarely a good idea. You matter too and you're talking 20 years of your life here. I think only you know if you can live like that. Me, I wouldn't want that patriarchal behaviour modelled to my DC.