Did anyone make peace with the fact that DH doesn’t help as much as he should?

[FryingPam]

Just that really…if your DH didn’t do as much as he should with sharing the load of looking after your child but was a kind husband and loving father otherwise, did you manage to make peace with the fact that childcare is mostly on you and continue the marriage?

I don’t want to divorce for many reasons, but we are past the point of discussions, honest talks, stern talks…it’s either leaving him or accepting that childcare is on me.

(We’re not talking about a man that does nothing at all or spends his nights in the pub, he does help, it’s just not a fair share and I am the default parent and the one that needs to juggle job and childcare).

So is it that he engages as an active parent after work and at weekends but not in working hours or early mornings?

And if you didn't pick up? Or told him you were busy at work?

But he’s not, he comes straight home after work because he misses DS, then interacts with him during the evening, and doesn’t even want to go out in the evening ever because he prefers to spend time with DS instead

So it's literally just the morning he doesn't help out? Because if he is in work all day and then spends all his spare time with DS then I can't really see that he's massively out of line...

What time does he wake up vs what hours does he work?

These jobs are making breakfast for DS and getting him dressed and drop him off at nursery, unfortunately nothing I can just not do.

If he's showing these traits just a few months into becoming a dad then it really doesn't bode well. I'd look very seriously at your long-term options here, and where you'd be financially if you split. Just because he enjoys spending time with his child, when it suits him, doesn't make him a good dad or partner.

OP

re your comment on your H:
"But he’s not, he comes straight home after work because he misses DS, then interacts with him during the evening, and doesn’t even want to go out in the evening ever because he prefers to spend time with DS instead".

And where are you in all this?. Does your H interact with you also when he gets home?. If not he is sending his son very mixed messages here which will confuse him. He is not being a good father to his child if your needs as his wife are not being met. He does not want to go out with you for something like dinner under the pretext of wanting to be with his son instead.

You also bloody well matter. And trying to see him as he was "before" is nigh on impossible particularly if and when resentment sets in.

Gym and coffee shop

Do you have any evenings out where you go out and leave him to it, to make up for it?

You always get a lot of advice on here to leave men.

To answer your question, my situation was somewhat similar and we made it work. I loved those kids and loved being with them, DH found it harder when they were young.
As they grew (teenagers now), I got a whole load of time back, while his life is more or less the same. So I viewed it as the Squash and a Squeeze perspective, I really appreciate all my time now. It was only a very small number of years really.

And although it seems from mumsnet that these men are unusual (mumsnetters always have husbands who do their fair share), most people in my life have it to some extent or another. And do make it work.

Leaves the house 5.45/6am, starts working 8.30am. 2 hours in between for gym and going for a coffee/breakfast.
I’m not against him doing this a couple of times per week, but 6 times per week seems excessive in our situation.

Why dont you just let him do all evening childcare cooking etc and you do mornings. Evenings can be your time for yourself

He’s not sufficiently interested in his child to rearrange his gym and coffee routine or to take time off work when his child is ill. Parenting isn’t a time-specific thing, limited to times when it suits you. It’s all-in.

Does he work six days a week as well? Or on the sixth day does he come straight home and spend the weekend doing equal parenting and housework?

Yes, I usually take one evening per week where I leave him to do bedtime, and I exercise on another evening at 8pm after DS went to bed with DH at home watching him. So it’s not that he’s completely useless, it’s just the imbalance of him getting his time every day, having a calm start into his working day, and his job not being affected by illnesses etc.

Every morning? If so thats a massive pisstake.

For all he is doing after work, you cant do that every morning when there are kids to sort out.

Hi OP, some suggestions for you to think about. They may not all be appropriate.

• If he has 'me time' in the morning, could you have a 'me time' in the evening for the same amount of time?
• Put his name down for emergency contact for the school if there is a problem with your children and they need to be collected. Remove yours.
• Have a word about unfair distribution of houshold tasks, anything he is not prepared to do his fair share of - eg cleaning - to be outsourced and paid for. If he doesn't like it and complains about the spend, tell him he can do his share himself instead and you will do the same.
• Where you are able to separate the task - eg cooking, washing, do this. Eventually he will get fed up of having no food when he gets home or no clean clothes and do something about it.
• Go out in the evenings - join a gym or something. If you are not there, he will have to deal (cooking the evening meal, putting to bed etc). Likewise take a day out on the weekend. Leave before he is up if necessary - alone. Tell the kids to wake him as you leave.
• If you child is sick and it is ALWAYS you who takes time off work - leave and go to work and text him it it his turn

The point of all these is that you stop asking him to do things and put it on his plate as his problem to solve. So if he does not like it HE has to ask YOU. Try to brainstorm ideas as to how you can do this.

I’d say family life can look any way that you want it to look. Not if it’s not meeting your needs though.

I wouldn’t have minded this setup too much, as I loathed bedtime more than life itself for a long time. I would just have gone out a bit more and met other female friends in the pub/book club/evening class etc.

Things are likely to change. Get better at pushing back on some of this stuff? Have more rows? Better to row more than move straight to divorce imo.

Yeah this. He obviously wants his morning routine but you've said he comes straight home from work every day so why don't you just take on mornings and he does everything in the evening?

Why don't you get him to do all weekday bedtimes if you're doing the morning breakfasts and getting dressed for nursery? You don't have to leave the house but just leave it for him to do it? Otherwise it does sound even more imbalanced than just the morning issue.

What would happen if YOU went out earlier than him and left him to take DS to nursery?

I wouldn't have put up with it.

Gym and coffee shop for 2 hours every morning is massively self indulgent!
Do you exercise? If so you should each get every other day, that's plenty.
For everyone saying OP could have the evenings, not really the point. Why should she only get time when he deems it acceptable? It's still a case of him calling all the shots and his wants coming first.
Maybe like her DH op would like to exercise In the morning? No way could I work out after work, I much prefer exercising in the morning..
Also doesn't address the fact OP is risking her career prospects due to having to take all the time off when their child is sick.

Yes I have
So hubby is a stay at home dad due to medical issues
He does the school pick up and drop offs 4 days a week- and the washing
However most weekends and my Fridays off I spend my time cleaning and taking her out as he gets really tired
I am absolutely fine with it- I knew that when i married him. Doesn't make it not irritating at times- however he is loving, caring and likes looking after both of us- housework is not his forte (but he hoovers and sweeps, and does the cat litter). However takes him 2 weeks to clean a bathroom.....
I wouldn't want to leave as my quality of life would reduce (live in a mortgage free house that I am not on the deeds for but was bought by him outright before marriage)... So we manage....

My children are older and have all left home. It was evident from very early on that I would be the one who raised our children and, while there was resentment on my part, I made sure they had a lovely childhood. I have a wonderful relationship with them all now while my exH rarely has any contact with them - much to his disappointment. He didn't value time with them when they were little and unsurprisingly they have no interest in maintaining a relationship with him now.

Is you husbands "non negotiable every morning me time" selfish ? YES.
Would selfishness give me the absolute ICK in a man,YES.
I couldn't be attracted to a man who wouldn't help his family in the morning because he wants non negotiable me time every morning, so it would be a deal breaker for me.
But the bottom line is its up to you what you think is a deal breaker.
The be greatful i don't go to the pub every day wouldn't sit well with my soul either......