DH has almost completely checked out - what next

[Peppermint44]

Since the beginning of January, DH has slowly checked out of our marriage. He’s stopped calling / texting me , acknowledges me like a house mate yet wants his laundry and dinner done which I’ve now stopped doing. I take myself out most evenings once kids are asleep now, to the gym or to see my DM or just a wonder at the shops. I can’t bear being sat on opposite sides of the sofa, watching a tv show while he barely speaks to me or looks at me. He’s become so rude when I’m speaking, half arsed responses too. He works hard and used to be a great Dad, involved in us and seemed happy. Now at the weekends, he makes any excuse to not participate in any activity with the kids. Last weekend he felt guilty leaving me with the kids again at an event, he turned up at the end and I’d just had enough. I feel like a single mum most of the time now which is a stark contrast to how it used to be , we felt like a family before. He gets annoyed easily at me now so I don’t bother starting a conversation. It’s fine if he’s fallen out of love or has fallen for someone else , I’d rather just know. Im too frightened to check his phone, I can’t bear the thought of finding out like that. I think it’s too invasive, I’d hate if he went through my phone. I’m close to just sitting him down and talking because I can’t go on like this, waiting for the day he starts being like he used to be. Any advice?

If he has been acting like this for some time without bothering to have a conversation with you, I would be inclined to quietly apprise yourself of all the information you might need in a divorce before making a decision for yourself whether his treatment of you meets your standards for how you deserve to be cared for, and informing him how he’s going to need to change if he doesn’t want to get divorced.

I’d say the first thing is: talk. Do you feel as though there’s some reason you can’t do this/it’s uncomfortable to do so? I cannot phantom why this wouldn’t be a very direct convo: ‘DH, why are you behaving like a petulant teenager?’ (joking, obviously be more diplomatic than that but not really). Secondly, you mention this has all just happened since January- if it’s genuinely that sudden without anything over Christmas having pre-empted it, could it be an affair or some other reason he’s checked out? But first, I’d say comms is key. I don’t know your husband but if he’s usually expressive, I’d say it warrants a real conversation. If he still doesn’t engage, then you need to explore what’s underlying that - something else or someone else going on.

Ask him? It’s only a month. Maybe he is unwell or something has happened him. It sounds like you have checked out too.

is it really only since January, or January 2025?

Wow OP I really respect and admire you for identifying this and acting to protect yourself so quickly. Most people are so frazzled and distracted these days that sometimes it's only with hindsight 6 months down the road that we pinpoint the change. You're so level headed and quick off the mark, I wish I could be like you.

This scenario happened me. More than 2 years down the road now. It just kept getting worse. No improvement and no explanation. It's like he forgot to come home one day and a strangers been walking around wearing his body ever since.

Try talk. Insist on it. It's early days for you. You're not imagining it, you're not crazy. Don't be fobbed off. It's worth the try. You're probably feeling very isolated and hurt, please make sure to spend time with people who show you kindness and love. Good luck

My ex did all of this. Completely disengaged, spoke to me like I was dirt after 18 years.
Turned out he was knee deep in the Reddit bros/ Dead bedroom forums.
They actively incite men to disengage.
He was on them every night.
He was unbearable.
Yes he's my ex.

I had a similar experience, after a decade I basically ceased to exist in his eyes, he'd leave the room while I was talking, even if I was asking a question about the DC.

He was shifty with his phone in my case, disappearing and the second I came into the room the phone would go into his pocket or flipped face down on the table.

He was knee deep in incel ideology and I became public enemy number 1. I stopped doing his laundry too but he turned nasty so hopefully that won't happen in ops case. I'm divorced now.

I’m confused as to the women on this thread who do / used to do their husband’s laundry? Unless your husband is physically disabled, why on earth would you do his laundry? I feel like I’ve stepped into the 1950s.

@Usernamen if I’m putting a load on, I put DPs in. He does the same.

my ex would shout at me until I did his laundry. I did the laundry.

You do your laundry separately? Why? And how? You sort through the laundry basket and put your things in the washing machine and his aside? You don't find that weird?

I did his washing because I loved him and it didn't occur to me to not take care of him, same as I thought he would take care of me. Mine checked out too. He became obsessed with work.

It's hardly a chore to add his clothes to a load I'm already doing? It seems actively mean to go out of my way to do everyone's but his. Do you also cook for everyone in the house but your DH? Drive everyone together but DH must find his own way there?
My DH doesn't just do household jobs for just himself either, a proper partnership is very much a two way street, everyone mucks in for the benefit of the whole family.

My dh does this. Literally doesn't talk to me, look at me and leaves the room if i say anything he doesn't like.
I wish i was able to leave..

I’m like the pp who asks, really since January? That’s a month! I assume you mean changes have been visible for longer but have got more intense.

For sure talk to him. If things were good before maybe they could be again. Ask him if something has changed.

My husband does my laundry, along with his own and the kids. I clean our bathrooms. It's just division of household labour. Doesn't mean I'm unable to do my own.

We have always done our laundry separately

Sooo much easier, no trying to get them to put stuff in the laundry bin, no piles of clean laundry they cba to put away, no having to check pockets and no sorting after.
I do mine, he does his
Perfect

That’s hard to read, I understand. 💕

Lord, there’s nothing more pathetic than Reddit bros i swear.

They create their own misery - how are you going to fix anything if you’re actively disengaging?

What have you got to lose by just asking him outright what is going on?

I hate it when men pull this shit. You deserve better. If he won't communicate with you what's wrong, then tell him that you're going to assume he no longer wants to be with you since that's what his actions are saying, and that, as such, you will start to consider your options.

I've been here. You have to be ready and willing to end the relationship. It's the best leverage you have. Let this man know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you can, and you will, thrive without him.

Many men pull stunts like this when they reckon their wife is in deep enough that she won't leave. You need to show him that he's wrong and that you are never a sure thing. I think you're doing great by going out in the evenings and not sitting there while he acts this way towards you.

And if it's an affair, so what, really. It's just a symptom of the main problem - that he's treating you like shit.

Wouldn't hurt for you to do your hair a bit and put a bit of makeup on before you go out, maybe wear some flattering jeans and a nice top. Just saying.

What the fuck kind of advice is this?
So she should make unilateral threats and act like she has a fancy man to scare him straight....?
This kind of game play is moronic dhe has children.

OP you dont need proof of an affair to end it.

As a woman with kids you are prob more financially vulnerable. I'd start getting the lay of the land here. Pensions savings, LatlTaV on the house etc.

Your situation sounds misersble and I wouldnt want to facilitate the status quo.

If you want to try and salvage it - i'd ask if he'd consider couples counselling. He may say yes he may say no.

Or if it was unsalvagable for me I'd work out the details quietly and present it calmly as a fait acompli with divorce papers.

It’s only been a month, the biggest issue here is lack of communication, that you can’t talk to one another and simply ask what’s wrong.

on the laundry yes I do my own laundry, I keep it seperate, my clothes are washed at different lower temperatures, his are much bigger and heavier. I stopped doing his laundry when I stopped doing my daughters, when she was 14, as I felt I was doing multiple loads, including the emptying rhe machine and hanging it out, they do their own loads, when they have a full load. There is no communication on it past anyone need to use the machine.

my husband is an adult, he can wash his own clothes, hang them to dry and put them away,

Whats next is you file for divorce. Do not put up with this treatment a minute longer than you have to.

Whats next is you file for divorce. Do not put up with this treatment a minute longer than you have to. Fuck trying to talk to him if he wanted to talk to you he would be doing already!

Everyone is generally capable of doing their own laundry, but I wouldn’t refuse to do my child’s washing when they were 14 and I don’t refuse to do my husbands washing either just because he is capable of it. I am capable of lots of things which he does for me, I would seriously reconsider my marriage if he said to me he’s not doing something because you’re an adult do it yourself