DH has almost completely checked out - what next

[Peppermint44]

Since the beginning of January, DH has slowly checked out of our marriage. He’s stopped calling / texting me , acknowledges me like a house mate yet wants his laundry and dinner done which I’ve now stopped doing. I take myself out most evenings once kids are asleep now, to the gym or to see my DM or just a wonder at the shops. I can’t bear being sat on opposite sides of the sofa, watching a tv show while he barely speaks to me or looks at me. He’s become so rude when I’m speaking, half arsed responses too. He works hard and used to be a great Dad, involved in us and seemed happy. Now at the weekends, he makes any excuse to not participate in any activity with the kids. Last weekend he felt guilty leaving me with the kids again at an event, he turned up at the end and I’d just had enough. I feel like a single mum most of the time now which is a stark contrast to how it used to be , we felt like a family before. He gets annoyed easily at me now so I don’t bother starting a conversation. It’s fine if he’s fallen out of love or has fallen for someone else , I’d rather just know. Im too frightened to check his phone, I can’t bear the thought of finding out like that. I think it’s too invasive, I’d hate if he went through my phone. I’m close to just sitting him down and talking because I can’t go on like this, waiting for the day he starts being like he used to be. Any advice?

I think I'd give him an opportunity to level with me, if he doesn't engage I'd be making my own plans, and keeping them private.

I ended up staying home with him last night instead of going out. I took on board what was said here, maybe I’ve been going out too much. We ordered pizza, stayed up all together and had a laugh then slept together. I kept everything light hearted. Today he’s called me twice during the day just to see how I am. I took the kids out in the afternoon and wasn’t there when he got home from work, I’ve been doing this lately because I wanted to avoid an atmosphere when he got in from work. Today , he called to see where we was and asked about things. He seemed genuinely interested in us like he used to be. I don’t know what’s changed, I don’t know if he’s spoken to someone or what’s happened but what are my next steps now?

Op im genuinely glad of the postive update but if i were you id still ask what was wrong. He didn't act like that for no reason . Its ok to ask. I hope it all works out regardless, good luck xxx💓

Is it not obvious? You stayed in and spent time with him?

Exactly, this is the most bizarre relationship thread I’ve read in ages.

I only started leaving in the evening because I hated the atmosphere, sitting in silence or one word answers. I generally felt not wanted. I just don’t want this to happen again. He can’t just shut down and give me the cold shoulder, if something has built up inside and he’s dealing with something silently, he needs to communicate with me. I also maybe should have asked early on, but when I asked how his day was - I got just one word answers and I left it at that. Maybe I should have asked further questions I don’t know? It all took me by surprise because he’s never done this before. He normally calls me when he’s stressed out , or asking me for advice. I don’t know how wether to open up a conversation now, about the last month or leave it

Omg of course you have to talk to him. You are both being ridiculous. Say something like, can we chat about how things have been the past few weeks? I feel like you've been really distant and I've been wondering if you're okay.

If you can't have a basic conversation with your husband then your marriage is doomed.

How can you be willing to share your life and your body with him, but not even ask if he's ok?

@Peppermint44 dont leave it, you need to work out what was going on. There are a multitude of reasons why he behaved as he did, none are excuses for his behaviour but talking about it will mean that you can understand what he’s been going through. You can then judge whether he was just being a jerk or if he was in crisis and didn’t know how to ask for help.

Maybe this could’ve been resolved much sooner if you had just pushed for an honest conversation, saved yourself the weeks of hurt and loneliness. Brushing it under the rug is not a good idea, you both sound really avoidant and ultimately that corrodes the foundation of your relationship.

Dont be accusatory, talk to him calmly and openly. Express how his behaviour made you feel and why you responded as you did and then ask him to explain his reasons. Listen, try not to judge or attack. Whatever the reasons he needs to understand his behaviour was not acceptable and in future he needs to communicate an issue rather than stonewalling. If he can’t verbalise the issue, suggest he write it down or text you, I sometimes find lying in bed in the dark can be an easier way to have a difficult conversation with a partner. You also need to acknowledge your behaviour was also not helpful and that you recognise you both need to improve communication.

Popped out tonight to the shops, I called him on my way home and he wanted to know how far I was so he could come out and help me with bags. Hasn’t done this since December. It made me smile, I didn’t make a big deal and I just acted normal. I was folding laundry, he’s on the sofa and he’s opened up to me without me asking him. He told me he’s spoken to a friend today and told him what’s been going on with us. So he’s noticed the distance. He told his friend he felt down and stressed with life, it’s become stressful with two little ones and we never have time together as a couple anymore, like properly, out for dinner for a couple hours. He’s said he’s going to sort a sitter and we need to go out together, even once a month. I didn’t really respond with how I felt, I just listened to him. I didn’t get a chance to say how I felt the last few months, I was just in shock because I hadn’t even thought about us going out alone, life just got so busy with the kids and everything was family focused. I don’t know wether I’m going to have another talk tomorrow about how I felt the last month - it’s been horrible and lonely but I guess from reading the replies here it was partly my fault too. I shouldn’t have let it go on for so long and kept quiet but would he even have opened up sooner? Going forward I probably won’t leave it as long and suffer like this again.

@Peppermint44 thats great that he’s volunteered the reason but the fact it took over a month of this for either of you to try and resolve it is just ridiculous. He’s right you need to spend time together as a couple but his behaviour has been unfair and harmful, it was no way to resolve the issue. You need to let him know how much he hurt you, I’m sure it wasn’t his intention but that was the impact of his poor behaviour and lack of communication. You’re as bad as each other really and need to talk more openly going forward, this could’ve all been avoided.

Talk to him. Start asking if he is ok, if anything is worrying him. Maybe at work, his health, his family or a friend.
Just tell him you NOTICED him being distant for a few days, on his own little world and quiet. And you worried. Is he ok?

This reads very odd.

This all sounds positive but I think you really need to reflect on why you find it so difficult to speak up. You still haven't shared your thoughts on the situation to him. Why are you so cautious about sharing your feelings with him?

Tonight I’m going to stay in and have another talk because I can’t let go of how he was. He’s the one who was distant and cold and I just reacted in a way that protect myself, by going off and living my own life for a bit. I put a brave face on for the kids and focused on them and myself. I don’t remember in our whole relationship him ever being like this , he seemed fine after our first baby but we have had two kids close together and it’s flown by. We haven’t had any date, outside the house since before first child was born. If he’s finding family life boring then yeah we can definitely try to go on dates and see if that helps. but what if that’s not enough? What if he goes into this sulk again? Is it something I am just going to have to get used to now we have kids? I can’t live on edge thinking he may do this again to me. I’ve got so much to think about before I have this talk with him about my perspective of things.

Good grief, why do the two of you struggle ro communicate so much. I don’t think I’ve seen anything so dramatic and avoidable
next time if he feels this way tell him to talk to you. Next time if he behaves this way ask him what the issue is. That’s how it’s normally done.

@Peppermint44 you need to have that talk. It's understandable you feel wounded by his silent treatment. But you really should go into that conversation having reflected on your own behaviour.

I bet he thinks you did the exact same thing - giving him the silent treatment, closing off and going out in the evenings.

From your perspective it may all have started with him but he might feel completely different.

You need to learn to communicate better and if this is something you both struggle with (did your parents also avoid conflict and avoid difficult conversations?) you might want to consider chatting to a professional to help you communicate

I think you both sound extremely immature, the lack of communication in your marriage is worrying. I do not put all the blame on your husband.

All of this could have been resolved with you asking a simple question, are you ok? You haven’t been yourself lately, but instead of doing that you stop cooking for him, stop doing laundry and go out every night, that just isn’t a normal reaction at all, I mean he could have been worried about his health or anything and you never even asked him if he’s ok? Talk about a mountain out of a molehill.

You need to go into your 'talk' with him without blaming him. You're just as much to blame for this as he is, but you find excuses for your side of it.

This.
We allocate tasks. Mine is laundry.
I'd rather do that than scrub the kitchen and bathroom floors [one of his jobs]