DH has almost completely checked out - what next

[Peppermint44]

Since the beginning of January, DH has slowly checked out of our marriage. He’s stopped calling / texting me , acknowledges me like a house mate yet wants his laundry and dinner done which I’ve now stopped doing. I take myself out most evenings once kids are asleep now, to the gym or to see my DM or just a wonder at the shops. I can’t bear being sat on opposite sides of the sofa, watching a tv show while he barely speaks to me or looks at me. He’s become so rude when I’m speaking, half arsed responses too. He works hard and used to be a great Dad, involved in us and seemed happy. Now at the weekends, he makes any excuse to not participate in any activity with the kids. Last weekend he felt guilty leaving me with the kids again at an event, he turned up at the end and I’d just had enough. I feel like a single mum most of the time now which is a stark contrast to how it used to be , we felt like a family before. He gets annoyed easily at me now so I don’t bother starting a conversation. It’s fine if he’s fallen out of love or has fallen for someone else , I’d rather just know. Im too frightened to check his phone, I can’t bear the thought of finding out like that. I think it’s too invasive, I’d hate if he went through my phone. I’m close to just sitting him down and talking because I can’t go on like this, waiting for the day he starts being like he used to be. Any advice?

I previously posted under a different name about a similar situation with my partner. Nearly every single poster mentioned ‘other woman’, to leave immediately and that there was no salvaging the relationship.
It felt like an absolute pile on with no actual conversation or talking about it. When I suggested different scenarios, it was ‘another op who won’t listen’ ‘get some fucking self respect’.
To Be fair these posters didn’t know me or my partner so difficult to understand the nuances which are difficult to put in writing so I spoke with friends.
my friend suggested ‘the let them theory’ by Mel Robbins and to be honest it has been a game changer for me. I have taken onboard things that seem relevant and useful to me so this is what I did, I sat down with him and explained how I feel giving clear examples of his behaviour. I asked for clarity as to whether he remembered these occasions and said I was willing to listen to any issues he had with our relationship. I said that moving forward I would no longer be ignored or treated with contempt. I had pointed out his behaviours, he said there was nothing wrong, and that moving forward any further occasions would be pointed out to him but it was down to him if he wanted to behave that way. The worst thing for me was trying to ignore his behaviour and keep going as normal. It let him off the hook and he used this to vent his frustrations about unrelated things. Let them theory for me just allows me to accept that his actions are his choice alone and there’s nothing I can do about it so ‘let them’. As I explained to him. The other side of that theory is ‘let me’ and I explained very clearly to my partner that I will allow myself to set my line in the sand and when ‘I’m done, I really am done so that’s my choice.
It really has made a difference.

😂WTF?!

We have one laundry basket and everything gets thrown in there. It would be a bit petty and selfish to pull all of DHs clothes out of there before I put a wash on.

This will probably outrage you even more but.... when I cook dinner, I cook for DH as well as myself!!! 😱

For everyone saying “it’s only been a month”, a month is a bloody long time to live in the same home as someone who ignores you and is unkind to you. I’m not sure what constitutes a reasonable period for one to suffer if it’s not a month. I think it’s better to nip these things in the bud before they start to erode your self confidence.

@Peppermint44 i think you should talk to him, but before you do that, I would find out everything you need for a divorce first - bank and pension statements etc. Personally, I would look at his phone before you talk to him as it will be impossible to do so after but I understand not wanting to.

WTF. How long does someone have to treat you so horribly before you're allowed to notice and be upset?

MN standards for men once again through the floor and into hell.

OP, here's my advice: talk to a solicitor and get all your ducks in a row. Only then, sit down with him and have a serious chat. Before you talk, be clear what YOU want. Do you want the marriage to work and stay together? What are you prepared to compromise and what are your hard boundaries? Be very clear in your own mind what you will and won't give up. If he refuses to discuss anything with you, then let him know that you're ready to put the wheels in motion for divorce.

The washing machine does my laundry...

OP you need to speak to him and find out what's going on. You don't mention he's going out and staying out or anything like that so maybe an affair is unlikely?

Everyone here is guessing really, the only way forward is to talk to him to find out what his issue is.

Its more convenient to wash items together according to their fabric type rather than who wears them.

Playing devils advocate here OP but have you considered the problem may be you? Talk to him.

All our washing goes in one basket?! Darks in one side/light in the other....im not exactly going to pick through and just wash mine and our children's clothes 😂

Relationships are about teamwork. He cooks, I wash up. I hoover downstairs and mop, he dufuzzes the cat hair off the stairs and hoovers upstairs. He does the bins and DIY, I do the washing. He does the swimming runs I do the gymnastics and dance ones. If one of us is tired or unwell the other one picks up the slack and visa versa. We show thanks and appreciation to each other for doing these things when the other is struggling.

So for the cold, depressing, often broke month of January, he hasn't been very engaged basically. Many people feel pretty down in January.

This could be written from the other side, with somebody that's feeling depressed, but whose partner hasn't even asked what's wrong but is now avoiding them by going out every evening, leaving him in with the kids. No doubt if a woman posted that, the bloke would be accused of not caring.

New year is often the time for reflection, maybe he hasn't achieved what he wants to in life, maybe he's worried about the future. Maybe he has money or work worries that he hasn't shared. January isn't great financially for a lot of us.

What I don't get is why you guys haven't talked to each other! It's only a month, but if you think there's something wrong you surely talk about it. If you think somebody is feeling down, you surely talk about it. To talk to mumsnet before you talk to your husband is bonkers!

Do you love him? Do you want to stay married? I have no idea how this has gone on for a month and a conversation hasn’t already occurred about wtf is going on in your marriage.

This is obviously a generalisation but I’ll go there. People in a marriage need to feel respected, loved & appreciated. A lot of men feel that through sex and intimacy. Do you put effort into maintaining an active sex life?

So sorry OP, my ex did similar (but for many many months) so I totally get how you're feeling. That sick feeling that something is so so wrong but you don't know what.

I think if I were you, I'd work out a bit of a plan. First get any info you need regarding finances etc (mortgage outstanding, approx house value, pensions and savings etc) in case it is leading to divorce including seeing a solicitor if possible.

Secondly, I'd read the script to arm yourself for what to look for.

Thirdly, if he's normally fairly loving and kind and it's an abrupt and fairly recent change, I think I'd want to speak to him properly about WTF is going on to see if he cracks and tells you or to move things on.

I'd tell him his behaviour (list a few examples) is making you think he no longer wants to be in the relationship. Be wary at this point, he'll likely turn every statement around to you: "well, it sounds like YOU don't want to be in the relationship...". I'd say "This is about your behaviour, I haven't changed my behaviour, YOU have and I want an explanation...". At this point he may rely on the old fall back of mental health (every man I've ever known to have an affair has blamed the behaviour change on mental health, it's the ultimate get out card).

Assuming nothing comes of the above chat, I'd start checking phones/laptops/tablets. My ex denied, denied, denied even when I had been told and told him to his face exactly who OW was (and I could tell he was lying!). I felt like I need to crack it open with evidence so found some on his work computer (phone was super locked down and never out of his sight). If you want to know for sure if there is an OW then so a phone check before "the chat" step as he will likely lock everything down after that if he hasn't already.

It's OK if all this takes some time, you don't have to make decisions straight away but I'd be aware that living with a dementor sucks your energy and confidence away pretty quickly. It creates a brain fog and anxiety and is then hard to make decisions. it may also be prudent to check finances now or soon in case he's doing anything dodgy there (syphoning out or gifting savings to family for example).

I'd also tell some people IRL to get some support. I regret keeping it all to myself with my ex (out of loyalty to him ironically and the hope that he'd snap out of it - before I knew about OW).

I can’t understand why you wouldn’t just ask what’s up with him, you are married surely you can communicate. Has this just happened overnight?

People would really divorce after at most a month of this without trying to find out if it can be fixed???

You need to sit and have a conversation with your husband. This has, I assume happened, suddenly over the last month? Prior to this, your husband was fully engaged in family life and with you? Of course another woman is possible - anything is possible but equally it might not be. Could he have had a health scare? Financial issues? Job issues? If he's unhappy for whatever reason, he needs to tell you.

I know. This type of answer completely baffles me time and time again.

I have suffered from depression, as have many (most) of the women I know.
If our husbands divorced us when we had been sullen and down for a few weeks without even talking to us, we'd all be single a long time ago.

Agree with posters who have said talk to him, assuming you want the marriage to continue. I'd had months of this with DP, and discovered there was an undiagnosed health issue, causing depression etc. He's now having treatment and all of that has gone.

At least try to talk?

Thank you for the replies, haven’t had a chance to comment back as tackling two kids under 3! I used to just naturally do laundry that was in the basket , I do all the housework, work part time and he works full time long hours outside, does mainly the DIY bits around the house/ garden. I stopped cooking and doing his laundry when he began giving me cold shoulder, I felt so disrespected and basically single so why should i treat him like I used to, he’s changed so why should i carry on acting like a wife to him. Our sexlife has been OK, maybe twice a week but he can separate feelings and sex, I’m left feeling so hurt the next day when he carries on ignoring me.l. I want him to tell me if he’s found someone else, because if this person makes him happy then so be it, I’ll let him live his life. He can’t have his cake and eat it, we will have to seperate. Financially I will be OK, I have my own savings and always done because my DGM always told me to have the safety net incase of anything. Financially we’re OK together , I know he’s not 100% happy with his salary but he has the motivation to change this, and he’s got the wheels in motion so I don’t see this being depression. Yes it’s only been a month but I’ve never known him to be this cold, Christmas has fine but maybe I missed signs? I really didn’t see this coming. The reason I’ve not spoken to him yet is because I was just letting it play out , waiting for something to happen but I am so lonely. He might think I’m OK because I’ve now started going out most evenings, instead of sitting on the sofa with him but I am so sad and I can’t bear the atmosphere. I don’t know when the best time to even talk about this with him, after work he’s shattered then I’m off out , do I just stay in tonight when kids asleep and outright ask him?

Please, just take a deep breath and stop playing scenarios out in your mind. I did exactly this. Felt disrespected, so disrespected in return and so the cycle starts. I felt this inner rage and it wasn’t until I stopped that I could see things clearer. This is not a competition with a winner. You don’t need to prove yourself right with self sabotage. Do not have a conversation until you are in a position to listen and I mean actually listen. Not like I did as soon as he opened his mouth try and prove him wrong and me right and just keep at trying to prove my thoughts right.

I’m not saying that there isn’t more at play and you may be right. I just wanted to give another perspective.

"Blanking" Existing Wives and Relationship Dynamics
Within the broader manosphere (which includes, but is not limited to, self-described incels), men may adopt behaviors that "blank" or devalue their existing wives or long-term partners through several, often contradictory, mechanisms:

• Hypergamy Accusations: Because incels believe all women are inherently hypergamous (seeking higher status), they may view their own wives with suspicion, assuming they are only staying until a better option arrives.

• Objectification and Emotional Detachment: The ideology often frames relationships as transactional. If a wife does not meet the "feminine-coded services" (emotional, sexual, social) demanded, she may be ignored, punished, or treated as a subhuman object.

Instead of going out, talk to him. With 2 children under three I dont know how you can be bothered to separate out his washing. I also dont know how you have the time or energy to go out every evening.

This is nuts.

It's been a month, literally the most depressing month of the year.

Cooking dinner for everyone but him and going out every evening leaving him to look after 2u3.

Do you have so little love for this man that you'd rather just check out yourself then even ask if he's ok...

Is nonsensical that you've not even talked to him.