DH has almost completely checked out - what next

[Peppermint44]

Since the beginning of January, DH has slowly checked out of our marriage. He’s stopped calling / texting me , acknowledges me like a house mate yet wants his laundry and dinner done which I’ve now stopped doing. I take myself out most evenings once kids are asleep now, to the gym or to see my DM or just a wonder at the shops. I can’t bear being sat on opposite sides of the sofa, watching a tv show while he barely speaks to me or looks at me. He’s become so rude when I’m speaking, half arsed responses too. He works hard and used to be a great Dad, involved in us and seemed happy. Now at the weekends, he makes any excuse to not participate in any activity with the kids. Last weekend he felt guilty leaving me with the kids again at an event, he turned up at the end and I’d just had enough. I feel like a single mum most of the time now which is a stark contrast to how it used to be , we felt like a family before. He gets annoyed easily at me now so I don’t bother starting a conversation. It’s fine if he’s fallen out of love or has fallen for someone else , I’d rather just know. Im too frightened to check his phone, I can’t bear the thought of finding out like that. I think it’s too invasive, I’d hate if he went through my phone. I’m close to just sitting him down and talking because I can’t go on like this, waiting for the day he starts being like he used to be. Any advice?

This, how part time are you and how old are the school?
as pp if the op was working long hours, her dp was part time and as soon as she was home he left for gym/parents/whatever there’d be shrieks of affair!
plus it’s a bit odd that posters are saying Reddit is a Pitt of “leave her” when that’s exactly what’s going on here!

good grief TALK to him!

Your communication is broken. You have stopped doing his laundry and cooking silently, with no explanation - and you haven’t even tackled him on his bad mood and disconnection from the family?

IME men need a straightforward chat in situations like this. My dh would not tell me what’s bothering him - Id have to prise it out of him.Your subtle behavioural “signals” are not going to be received the way you expect -avoiding him, not doing chores for him will just piss him off. He won’t interpret it as a protest against his recent failings as a dad and a husband.

This behaviour is doing so much damage on both sides. If his head has been turned it’s better to find out. Deal with it calmly, discuss “what next”.

Has family life become dreary? People are human - when life is mundane, small kids are exhausting, same predictable sex life and work is boring - sometimes people flirt outside the relationship and dream of escaping. It’s a fantasy but it can lead to an affair and awful outcomes for everyone. If it is this he needs to know he’s bringing home his bad vibes and that has to stop. Tackle it head on - it will hurt but you can help each other through it.

As a family do you have anything to look forward to ? A holiday perhaps, or something novel you can do together (with little kids, we discovered the very quiet and lovely 8am swim session at our local pool, hardly anyone there and we’d have breakfast in the cafe/foyer afterwards (we brought flask of tea for me and dh and a pack of croissants, and juice and fruit for the kids!)

I wonder elsewhere on the internet DH has posted about how he's struggling with something - work, MH, money issues, whatever - and instead of his DW asking how he is she, she has started going out in the evening, maybe even having an affair as she is never there.

This seems bizarre to me.
We are a family of 4, we have 1 washbasket.

Anyway: so he sits at home all evening watching TV, while she is out all evening.
And MN thinks he is the one having the affair? 🤔

See this just seems bizzare to me, where is this one wash basket? In a communal area and you all walk about with your dirty clothes and put them in it?

@Peppermint44
I hope you’re ok.

Speak to him when you’re ready, in your own time. There is no rush or timetable for this situation.

You are a remarkably strong woman, and believe me, I know how much you are suffering and this is hurting you 💐

@Peppermint44 i wouldn’t have the conversation yet.
Id speak to a solicitor and get everything I need to hand .
If also check his phone . When would you get the opportunity to do so ?
Did he have a Xmas works night out ? Was he back later than would be his norm ? Maybe he met someone then .

Once you have got the info you need . Speak to him .

In the utility room, close to the washing machine. Previously it was in the bathroom.
So yes, people do just walk to it and put their dirty clothes in every morning.

We have a nice segmented laundry basket in the upstairs hallway that all the kids stuff goes into, I have my own in my bedroom, but when a few things collect i lift them into the main one. then when were were a couple either I would put it on.

Now that we are separating, but still living together, I still do all of the kids laundry and mine that collects in the main basket and STBEXH does his own. Yes its not fair that I do all the kids, but we are separating and I'm doing everything to keep things civil for the last 9 weeks, I absolutely cannot wait to move out and then STBEXH will see just how unfair the house work split was!

Sorry to derail your thread OP, but please speak to your partner, there could be many reasons for him being distant that could be solved with good communication!

I’ve come across this myself look up marriedredpill on Reddit quite the eye opener as to just how dumb some men are if they imagine any of the actually works. For example they do believe in withdrawing from their wife, doing the bare minimum and being selfish in order to make their their wives more biddable. They fail to see that it’s literally abusive behaviour and will only make their wives and children grow to hate them. I’m not sure perhaps they do know it’s abuse and just don’t care as long as they get the results they want? As long as the wife bot is functioning optimally to his liking who cares if she is miserable within herself.

Sorry you had to be with a man into that sort of thing and congratulations for getting free!

This is very good advice.

Not the point of the thread, but in some households it's because one person does jobs that the other person doesn't do, because they're like, you know - a team that works together? I do all the laundry, including his. Plus it makes more economical sense to throw it all in together rather than seperate loads. It only takes a minute. I
I can't remember the last time I washed my own car, but somehow it's always clean & hoovered out 🙂

Just speak to him. If he doesn't engage you know you tried and you can decide where to go from there. Or you might get to the bottom of it and end this weird childish stalemate you've found yourselves in.

@Usernamen
We do the same. Whoever is doing washing puts the whole family’s laundry in together. Makes sense from an environmental perspective.

It’s not nuts to do the family laundry together. It’s more efficient and means that clean clothes are back in the drawers quicker. Being in a family should mean teamwork.

So every day you all walk about with your dirty pants and clothes in your hands. We have ours in the bedrooms where we get undressed.

It's only dirty pants, not nuclear waste!

Well yeah but I guess we all do it differently. We just walk it down when a full load, not daily.

Actually me and DH have a smaller basket in our room which is emptied into the larger basket when full.
Kids are closer to the utiility room so yes, they just pop across the hall and drop in the main basket.
To be clear, I don't think it's "nuts" to do it your way either, if it works for you.
I do think it's a little odd to have separate husband and wife baskets in the same room, we have one and both our stuff goes in.
It would be more time consuming to separate mine and his out, I'd be cutting my nose off to spite my face to do that.

What changed? And how does the let them theory explain why he was acting like that in the first place? Ive come across this theory before and whereas it can be helpful in some relationships, especially ones where youre not in so much close contact with the person, the let them part does not explain why somehow is behaving so appallingly and it does somewhat enable poor behaviour. You cant simply let someone be a #£*% to you and live like that long term. You really did need to find out why he was acting so badly in order to make up your own mind as to who this person is deep down and do you want to be around them...

Very weird. I do a dark wash of all the clothes and a white wash of all the clothes. I know how I like it all to be done. It’s easier and it wouldn’t cross my mind to weed out dh stuff. Nit picking

I’m assuming this is a joke??

Because couples share the house work load? E.g I do the laundry, but he cooks every night.
Also if you split the loads it’d be ages before I had a full load of say colours or whites. Makes much more sense to do it together.

You need to tell him that you have noticed how he is treating you and how it makes you feel.
You also need to start planning to get a full time job, so you can set up on your own easier if that comes to it.
I think you are doing the right thing in keeping yourself occupied and taking care of yourself.

Snooping on his phone is not such a bad option, because many people caught on the wrong will deny it, at least at first. I get why you do not want to do it though. But check all your joint accounts, savings and investments, just in case it is gambling or he is spending like crazy on things that are not his family.

For whatever reason people are so involved in laundry in this thread. You want to talk about laundry, start a thread.
OP is hurting about her relationship, not about the laundry!
Her husband helping with the laundry will not sort this one, so no need for post after post about how we all share our chores.