DH has almost completely checked out - what next

[Peppermint44]

Since the beginning of January, DH has slowly checked out of our marriage. He’s stopped calling / texting me , acknowledges me like a house mate yet wants his laundry and dinner done which I’ve now stopped doing. I take myself out most evenings once kids are asleep now, to the gym or to see my DM or just a wonder at the shops. I can’t bear being sat on opposite sides of the sofa, watching a tv show while he barely speaks to me or looks at me. He’s become so rude when I’m speaking, half arsed responses too. He works hard and used to be a great Dad, involved in us and seemed happy. Now at the weekends, he makes any excuse to not participate in any activity with the kids. Last weekend he felt guilty leaving me with the kids again at an event, he turned up at the end and I’d just had enough. I feel like a single mum most of the time now which is a stark contrast to how it used to be , we felt like a family before. He gets annoyed easily at me now so I don’t bother starting a conversation. It’s fine if he’s fallen out of love or has fallen for someone else , I’d rather just know. Im too frightened to check his phone, I can’t bear the thought of finding out like that. I think it’s too invasive, I’d hate if he went through my phone. I’m close to just sitting him down and talking because I can’t go on like this, waiting for the day he starts being like he used to be. Any advice?

I actually think your response to his odd behaviour is equally odd. Surely you say early on in the month 'Is everything OK? You haven't been talking to me at all.' And go from there.

I agree with this. Why on earth have you not already spoken to him? He’s being weird, but so are you. Talk to him.

It’s lonelier being with someone like this than actually being on your own. I’d ask him what’s going on and tell him you want him
to be honest with you whatever it is. I doubt he will and will make up some shit - most likely it’s your fault and everything that is wrong with the world and life and your relationship will be your fault too. I’d ask him when he’s leaving as you want space and if he’s going to make an effort with your relationship and treating you like a human being then he can do it from outside the house and woo you and take you on dates etc

I also agree, it’s only been a month and I can’t imagine just not asking, assuming an affair and coming to mumsnet, there must be a huge back story op.

Surely it’s normal for each person to do their own laundry? Everyone has their own basket and washes that? Can’t understand having the whole family wash done together! Nuts!

All this talk about laundry is not helping the OP

This is excellent advice.

I’d ask him, say you seem very unhappy with me, would you like to divorce, say nothing more and see what he says.

if he says he’s fine and doesn’t change pretty quickly then sack him off.

if he’s not fine. If he explains what’s wrong then great you can see if it’s something you can both fix.

I bet he’s cheating.

No it's not.

Surely you talk to your husband first
No spying on phones.
No think about seperating just yet.

No going in all guns blazing with talk about him not wanting to be in a relationship.
Instead, just talk to him, find out if he's ok.

Perhaps he had a bad few days at the beginning of January and is now worried because the OP has seemingly 'checked out'.

It's just nuts. This is a couple still sitting down to watch TV on the sofa together, still having sex, but yet she's thinking about seperating and the marriage being over before even saying 'are you ok, you seem a bit on edge'.

So things were good up until a month ago, and he’s been distant since then, but despite it being out of character, you’ve not checked in to find out if something is up? Instead you’ve passive aggressively stopped doing his laundry and cooking and then going out every evening to punish him instead? Sounds like you both need to work on your communication!

I think you need to stop jumping to the worst conclusions (he’s fallen out of love / found someone else) and actually approach him with an open mind and kindness. Pulling away from his pulling away will get you nowhere.

No it’s not it is awful advice.

Okay I hadn't realised you haven't actually had any conversation with him about this yet! I thought you had tried to talk to him and he'd refused to have the discussion.

So yes, definitely do talk to him. But go in with a very clear head. Think about what you want from your marriage and be very clear what behaviour you will and won't tolerate. Be ready to listen but also to state your needs and wishes, too.

The fact that he's been having regular sex with you but then ignoring you is really horrible, OP, and for that alone, you deserve a grovelling apology and a clear explanation. I would find it very hard to forgive that kind of behaviour. It is objectifying and degrading. I'd be very sad and angry about that. I certainly wouldn't carry on having sex with him until he changed.

This was me too. It's only with hindsight that I look back and realise how much STBEXH had checked out before actually having a discussion with him.

Well, he actually had the discussion with me I guess, but looking back I was terrified about what might be going on so didn't have the conversation with him. I guess I was scared he'd leave me, or had found someone else. He had, a random man off the internet, not even someone special. I always though I'd never stay with a man if he cheated, but I know if it wasn't for the gay thing that I would have forgiven his infidelity and stayed. I used to sit on the couch with him in the evenings, or lie in bed next to him and wonder when he stopped talking to me, it was so gradual I don't actually know when it happened, probably for 6 months before he finally came out.

I Don’t leave him with 2 kids to look after, I do bed time around 6pm and they’re both good sleepers so sleep though the night, I go out once they’re both asleep and he sits on the sofa by himself watching tv. I used to sit with him and we would watch something together but since this treatment I can’t be near him, it hurts me too much to talk and he just isn’t interested. I ask him how his days been and all I get is one word. Doesn’t ask how my days been or how I am. My gut is telling me it’s a OW and he doesn’t want to be the bad guy by leaving me with 2 pre school kids. So what, shit happens, women get left all the time even when pregnant. I’m going to have a chat some point this week, I don’t feel fully ready at this exact moment , by Friday if nothing changes I’m going to calmly open up a conversation about this.

What? All in four weeks?

My now ex checked out occasionally like this. Last time he did it was 2022 and I finally gave him an ultimatum or I would walk. He seemed to switch back on but I found out a couple of years later it was because he was at the end of a year long affair so was happy to stick around and pretend everything was ok. The other times also happened to coincide with other affairs that all came to light. I am not saying you are in the same boat, but I wish I had just had a frank conversation the first time it happened and I would have saved myself 20 years of bullshit. So yes, talk to him and don't take it.

It's hard to tell who has checked out on who here.

This is so far below normal levels of conversation in utterly baffled.

Normal behaviour if husband seems a bit off/down) one word answers if it's lasts more than a few hours/day or so, casually asking if they are ok.

Not cooking for everyone but him, not asking what is wrong, going out most evenings because you can't bear to be near him and contemplating divorce. Oh but still happy to have sex with him.

There could be something going on, but equally he may be acting odd because his wife suddenly is acting strangely.

Actually yes, I do this now. He doesn’t mind. But I do all the kids’ stuff and he never does and it was the one thing that I knew if I just stopped he would have to take over. And he did without complaint. It was a task I’d done gladly but I had to start dropping things as I was (still am!) so overwhelmed.

Sounds like you both have checked out but just wanting each other to say so.

This

he may well feel you’re acting out of character. Out every night leaving him at home with the kids, not talking to him, deliberately not doing anything that would benefit him like laundry.

if he posted on here he’d be told you’re having an affair!

it was a decade for me probably and I should have challenged so many things

yes its madness

This whole thing is not ringing true. How could you have 2 toddlers that go to bed at 6pm and sleep all night. Then sit on the sofa and just ignore each other all evening and nobody say why. How have you time for this with 2 very young children and both of you working?
Then after a month, decide he has another woman and that’s ok, you would rather him be happy with her.

Are your children tomagochis ?

Because, when we see the laundry basket is full, either one of us will do the washing…🤷‍♀️

I can't understand why you haven't talked about this before now. If it's that difficult for the two of you to talk to each other then you probably need some counselling. Noticing a change and not mentioning it sounds like absolute madness.