To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

This. The OP isn't stupid. She has just been naive and blinkered. Her partner has kept her dangling with a carrot on a stick for YEARS, and she has sadly allowed it to happen. (Possibly because she believed in the common-law-wife myth.)

Time to take off the blinkers @Whatwouldyoudonow Start taking action NOW to improve your situation, and safeguard you and your childrens future.

Good luck.

Yep, you could turn this 'it's just a piece of paper' bollocks on its head, and say 'well if it's just a piece of paper,' then why NOT get married?!!!'

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If he was to die intestate you have no automatic right of inheritance. Under the rules of intestacy his estate could indeed pass to his parents or other relatives on his side of the family.

Would he consider a civil partnership? Gives some protection. You do need to find out about house ownership. And he is quite wrong about just a piece of paper and wills not being worth paper they’re written on. Do you have any idea of his worth, house, pension, other assets?

You are vulnerable and he’s either naive or an arse. Possibly both

No it wouldn’t. His estate would pass absolutely to the children when they reach 18. So op is then potentially reliant on the generosity of teenagers to decide whether she will face an impoverished old age or not. Not a risk I would be willing to take.

When it comes to stating pension beneficiaries only the owner of the policy (scheme member) can do these. You partner may well have done his nominations, or it may be more paperwork that he doesn't want to do. Either way I'd advise you to find out what's on the pension policy(ies).
It's been an awful revelation for you OP. Good luck with the next steps.

I think I did yes. It didn’t occur to me that if you had kids outside of marriage, you might be more vulnerable if the relationship broke down. It wasn’t even on my radar to think that when I got married.

OP, it's really important you find out whether you own the house as joint tenants or tenants in common.

That matters because the way joint tenancy works is that when the first dies, their whole share automatically passes to the other, and it's outside the will/intestacy provisions. Tenants in common means you can will your share to whoever you like, and it forms part of your estate when you die. if either of you die with no will, it goes through the intestacy provisions.

In your position, a joint tenancy would better protect you because it means if DP dies first with no will, his share goes to you. If you don't have a joint tenancy, may be worth discussing. Each of you can unilaterally sever a joint tenancy if you want, and then it'd move to tenants in common. So it's not perfect protection but it's better than none.

It's a piece of paper possibly worth a shedload of money in inheritance tax and widows pension.

Oh my god. This needs to be sent to every woman in 30 pt bold lettering - "never ever ever give up your job and rely on a man you are not married to" (personally I wouldn't do it even of I was married).

Mr Monkey and I have been together for 20 years and are not married BUT we don't have children together, we both earn well (me more than him) and have good pensions. We have clear legal agreement that set out the ownership of our house, a written statement of intent drafted by a lawyer on how we intend how to divide it and other assets if we spilt up and mirror wills. We also nominated each other for our death in service benefits

TBH we probabaly will get married at some point for tax purposes.

You need to tell him you get married or you go back to work full time and he starts pulling his wreight 50/50 at home and paying hia share of childcare.

You need to reenter the workforce. If you lack the skills or certifications to do that in a lucrative fashion, then leverage the fact that you are currently in this relationship and use those resources to get the education and training you need to support yourself and your children. You need to start thinking strategically. He doesn’t care enough to protect you. You have to protect yourself.

You have sacrificed 20 years of salary in order to do childcare and housework. Might be interesting to actually calculate the value of that. Since not being married leaves you financially vulnerable, it's now your turn to work and build up your finances and pension in the same way that you have enabled him to for the last 20 years. In other words your roles now need to be reversed, you get to work for the next 20 years, and he gets to facilitate that. He could be a stay at home dad or carry on working but pay for external childcare and housework services, his choice. He's still getting a good deal because the childcare won't be needed forever.

If you leave him, depending on the custody arrangement, he will still need to arrange and pay for childcare and housework, cleaning etc. So might you, whilst you are working but at least you'll have the satisfaction of not just existing to service him whilst he continues to boost his financial position at your expense.

Sorry OP, what a sad position to be in. I wish you the best of luck 💐

But unless you are married or in a civil partnership the one that's left after one of you dies is likely to end up with an inheritance tax bill, if you have equity in a house, savings and other assets and, after 2027, a pension pot, which sounds likely if you both earn well.

If your share of those is over the IHT threshold of £325k then the remaining partner will be paying 40% of what is over that limit. That would be zero if you were married/in civil partnership. Worth doing even just for the IHT aspects.

He doesn't want to be married. It isn't the party. He has no intention of marrying her.

See at least what he thinks of the house and some left over money, are you in his will or not ...the way he responds to these queries with action or no action , will tell you what more you need to do

As others have said, you need to get back to work and fast! The damage is done but you still have a good number of years of earning potential.

He sounds like a prick. Would he actually care if you left him?!

I'm pretty sure Martin Lewis has a guide to all the financial benefits that marriage gives.

Marriage is not just a contract. You marry in part so you are protected and your joint finances are protected - and in the case of a SAHM so she is protected if her partner leaves after many years. The fact your partner doesn’t care about any of
this is a massive kick in the teeth. I can see why it’s changed how you feel towards him. I’d be considering my options, and would certainly end the SAH arrangement and get a job. If he can’t marry you he needs to accept you have to start planning for your future because you don’t have marital safety net.

I feel slightly sick for you. I feel you’ve got to play this very carefully, if anything put on a massive charm offensive as you explore your position and to the extent you can trying to get things put into your name!!

Same situation as you been together over 20 years have 2 kids. Tenancy in common mortgage. Weren't that fussed about marriage but we are now making plans. His mum died as did my aunt so it's put it into perspective. My cousin said probate was a nuisance and obviously legally it helps in these sad situations to be married. If you have kids and the worst was to happen you don't need the added stress of probate and financial worries. You don't need a big fandangle just down the register office. Legally it protects both of you. I do work but being a sahm you are very reliant on him financially so you really need to think about that.

Strange you say that as I said eloping would be a lovely and private way to have our own small ceremony in the sunshine without any guests or fuss (apart from our children). I don't want a big wedding or even a party but would compromise if he really did. He seemed on board with the wedding abroad before he decided he wouldn't marry me.

What is wrong with these men!! Sorry you've been through such a shit time 💐

Tell him he has a choice - spend a lot of money on a solicitor to sort out your legal position as an unmarried, cohabiting couple with dependent children; or get married on a weekday morning with 2 witnesses at a registry office and get change from £200, which will sort it all out for the both of you without having to argue about the details. Tell him it has to be one or the other, as to refuse both is tantamount to saying he wants to separate and sees you as nothing more than a millstone around his neck. As for thinking a will is not worth the paper it is written on, he clearly also sees his own children as inconvenient and not deserving of the protection involved in not dying intestate. He’s basically behaving like a tosser with something to hide, or an idiot who can’t face the prospect of his own mortality.

No, he's not said he wants to separate. When we talked and I asked him he said he loves me and sees me and him together forever. He's actions aren't matching up to his words though

It sounds like he won't consider it, not the OP.