Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To never be a wife

396 replies

Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 14:49

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 02/02/2026 22:00

You need to get into work ASAP.

Good news is you are only 38. You'll have 30 years to get your financial position sorted ahead of retirement.

But you need to start now. Don't faff about.
What did you do for work before children? What qualifications do you have?

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:01

Itsasecretnow · 02/02/2026 20:09

@WhatwouldyoudonowI know this isn’t exactly what you want, but have you looked into a civil partnership? It’s a kind of compromise, I guess.

My particular situation with a long term partner (15+ years) has led me to look into that. Neither of us want to be married - neither have been despite previous long term relationships (his - with his previous partner, who is the mother of his now adult children - far longer than my longest. My child is also now an adult) His youngest, and mine are similar ages and both were teens when we got together, but the last few years a few things have happened which has made me think about the legality of our situation. Mainly around health issues tbh. Mine is not good, he’s older than me but with no health conditions at all. But there’s the possibility of something happening to one of us and - although I don’t believe either his family or mine would ever stop us having access to hospitals etc if something bad happened - but we’d not legally be next of kin so (although he is down as mine in hospital records, along with my child, but I have no real idea if legally that even matters) wouldn’t have the power of decision making, and that concerns me. We don’t share finances - our situation is a bit different, and a bit more complex - but if I’m honest without any financial security it would be difficult for me if something happens to him before me, due to him being older, despite being in much better health than me. I am disabled, and that limits my life in many ways and definitely makes me think about things a lot more.

Sometime in the last 3/4 years - after Covid, and this I think is what suddenly made me think about the legality of our future - I discovered that civil partnerships for same sex couple were coming into law so I suggested that to him. He initially was obviously taken aback by that, as it came out of the blue. He did agree in principle - mainly due to the legalities it afforded us re the health/nok - and we’ve mentioned it a few times since but never got round to it. He’s absolutely not against it in principle at all and said whilst he’s never wanted to be married (same as I never had) he could, in theory, accepts and agrees that it’s different. We’ve not got round to it yet due to a whole mass of other stuff having priority, but I’m still set on it. And I will make it happen! 😀 we don’t even think we’d tell people (our kids, yes, maybe a friend or two) and have no need for a ceremony, guests, party, even a meal to mark it. A quick 10 minutes, ever and done!

Sorry this turned long. Have you looked into this as well? Like my partner (and myself), who are both against marriage, a civil partnership affords you exactly the same legal protections as a wedding would. You wouldn’t be able to call him husband - technically - but obviously you still could, if that was I important to you, but it appears that what is importantly in your situation is being covered legally. This might be something you could consider and do some research and then bring it up with him, emphasising that you wouldn’t be married, the whole husband and wife, having to stand there and declare all extra stuff that doesn’t come with a CP “ceremony”. It’s literally like 5 minutes, barely any different to registering a birth etc. have a couple of people as witnesses, invite anyone you want or nobody at all. You don’t need to have any reception or even have people there to “watch you” (god, I hate the thought of bring that centre of attention anyway!) if he’s not into that part of a marriage ceremony. You can even just do it without telling anyone, or making a big deal of it, and not inviting anyone at all - you can even just pick a couple of random strangers at witnesses; I was very recently one of 2 “Mumsnet” strangers who were witnesses for their marriage ceremony! We were the only two extra people there, and didn’t even meet until about 5 minutes before. Honestly, it was great, and a really lovely ceremony, so as to say it really doesn’t have to be anything big for it still to be special. This was a legal marriage, but was over and done in like 10/15 mins max, and the same as a civil partnership ceremony would be. I don’t know, just consider it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wish you good luck in whatever your future becomes.

I would do the civil partnership. Although I would prefer a marriage but I am happy to do either. After reading through all the comments on here, it's clear he won't agree to that either. My heads a mess, I have been reading all comments and i'm obviously feeling quite sad and upset. It's a lot to take in.

OP posts:
Changedname9999 · 02/02/2026 22:02

Uhghg · 02/02/2026 17:25

I’m with your DH.
It does seem a bit pointless to get married 20 years later.

How old are your kids?

I’m not sure why posters are calling him selfish etc when he asked you several times to get married and you said no - are they saying you were selfish too.

I would work out why this means do much to you.
After 20 years it’s pretty safe to say you guys are committed to each other and even a marriage it doesn’t guarantee commitment.

Are you having a midlife crisis? Panicking if you’re reaching a big birthday? Kids leaving the nest so you don’t know your purpose?

I’d figure out why you want it before making any big decisions like giving him an ultimatum.

Are you her husband? Or just stupid?

ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 02/02/2026 22:03

OP, what is his total pension pot worth? This is one of the big issues here, if you marry you are entitled to a share of this if you split (you also need to ensure you are a nominated beneficiary on his ppw)

Myfridgeiscool · 02/02/2026 22:05

Don’t be sad or upset. Go full on mamma bear and protect yourself and your kids.

You are not the first person this has happened to, you won’t be the last.
Use the knowledge you’ve gained to light the fire in your belly to get it all sorted.

The next bit could be quite strategic so do a lot of thinking, get some advice and plan your moves carefully.

You've got this.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:05

EmilieDuChatelet · 02/02/2026 20:45

When it comes to stating pension beneficiaries only the owner of the policy (scheme member) can do these. You partner may well have done his nominations, or it may be more paperwork that he doesn't want to do. Either way I'd advise you to find out what's on the pension policy(ies).
It's been an awful revelation for you OP. Good luck with the next steps.

He's definitely done it, he's not stupid. I clearly have been.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:06

UnhappyHobbit · 02/02/2026 20:46

I think I did yes. It didn’t occur to me that if you had kids outside of marriage, you might be more vulnerable if the relationship broke down. It wasn’t even on my radar to think that when I got married.

Show quote history

Same, unfortunately

OP posts:
BufferingAgain · 02/02/2026 22:07

Wills aren’t worth the paper they're written on

Eh? What’s he on about? I can understand why he might think he’s onto a good thing not marrying you and keeping a few hundred thou, but to not even see you right after his death is ridiculous.

Luckily you’ve realised this all at 38 not 68 and have a chance to work full time and sort your future. Time to get savvy about finances and not listen to a word this bloke says … he’s at best clueless about financial matters, at worst (snd probably) calculating and devious

BerriesAlmonds · 02/02/2026 22:07

Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 18:14

My youngest is in primary school. I have all my NI stamps so far as I claim child benefit. I am 38 now and the children all have my surname.

Show quote history

You need to get a full time job. If your partner leaves you or is badly injured or passes awag etc then you’re in a tricky situation. I’m not married but I have my own money (work full time) so I can look after myself and my toddler should anything happen.

nothanks2026 · 02/02/2026 22:08

If it didn't matter, he'd just do it. It matters hugely, that's why he doesn't want to.

Any chance he's cheating?

RichardOnslowRoper · 02/02/2026 22:09

Take a week off, wallow/ cry, eat chocolate and come back to this thread next week to take action..Obviously a huge shock for you. But you can get back control as you are so young.
Do you have any family support?

TalkingShrub · 02/02/2026 22:12

daddyissues88 · 02/02/2026 17:00

You cannot be so sure it is financially motivated, I know men and women who have been together for so long and fully happy, they do not see the point of marriage.

Show quote history

Respectfully, you can have no idea whether they’re married or not. Wed been together for almost 21 years before we got married, and we didn’t tell anyone.

nothanks2026 · 02/02/2026 22:12

Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 21:53

No, he's not said he wants to separate. When we talked and I asked him he said he loves me and sees me and him together forever. He's actions aren't matching up to his words though

Show quote history

The relationship is now coming to an end, so you have a choice as how to end it. I'd see a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and then leave him without any warning at all. It's pretty much the only way to take back any control, and the relationship will still be over but at least you will have had control over how it ended and he will feel a bit of a sting - whereas as it stands it will limp along until he leaves you.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:12

MojoMoon · 02/02/2026 22:00

You need to get into work ASAP.

Good news is you are only 38. You'll have 30 years to get your financial position sorted ahead of retirement.

But you need to start now. Don't faff about.
What did you do for work before children? What qualifications do you have?

Before the children I was a child myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:15

BufferingAgain · 02/02/2026 22:07

Wills aren’t worth the paper they're written on

Eh? What’s he on about? I can understand why he might think he’s onto a good thing not marrying you and keeping a few hundred thou, but to not even see you right after his death is ridiculous.

Luckily you’ve realised this all at 38 not 68 and have a chance to work full time and sort your future. Time to get savvy about finances and not listen to a word this bloke says … he’s at best clueless about financial matters, at worst (snd probably) calculating and devious

He's definitely not clueless, that would make all this easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:16

nothanks2026 · 02/02/2026 22:08

If it didn't matter, he'd just do it. It matters hugely, that's why he doesn't want to.

Any chance he's cheating?

Not that I know of

OP posts:
nothanks2026 · 02/02/2026 22:16

Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:12

Before the children I was a child myself.

Show quote history

38 is young, you can start again for sure. Make sure you get every single penny you are due, and go and live with your life. You may meet someone who loves you enough to want to marry you, or you may stay single.

Alone is far, far preferable to being hugely disrespected and lied to. He's either cheating or there is some other reason he is happy to blow up your relationship.

He's not your friend and he is not on your team, it will be hard to accept that, but you must.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:18

nothanks2026 · 02/02/2026 22:16

38 is young, you can start again for sure. Make sure you get every single penny you are due, and go and live with your life. You may meet someone who loves you enough to want to marry you, or you may stay single.

Alone is far, far preferable to being hugely disrespected and lied to. He's either cheating or there is some other reason he is happy to blow up your relationship.

He's not your friend and he is not on your team, it will be hard to accept that, but you must.

Show quote history

I guess so, it's just hard to accept

OP posts:
nothanks2026 · 02/02/2026 22:18

Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:16

Not that I know of

Show quote history

You should be checking into everything, finances, possible cheating, but if you do find anything do not let him know. You need to be forewarned and forearmed, he should be kept in the dark.

Don't feel guilty about that. He's not your friend, he is not on your team, he lied to you for years about marriage and is happy to live with your misery and feelings of humiliation.

nothanks2026 · 02/02/2026 22:21

Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:18

I guess so, it's just hard to accept

Show quote history

Yeah, it's awful, a total mind fuck. I am sorry.

AwfullyGood · 02/02/2026 22:22

Have you actually sat him down and told him that his refusal to talk about the future and protecting your security means that the relationship is not longer working?

If he doesn't care, he doesn't but you need to stop putting up with this.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 22:22

I just want to say thank you to everyone for all of the replies, well wishes and advice/information. It has all been a huge eye opener and quite a shock tbh. It's a lot to take in, it's the life I thought I had turned upside down and I feel such an idiot. I appreciate all of the kind and compassionate replies, I don't deserve them. I feel like such a stupid woman and I should have known better. Maybe not when I was a young teenage Mum but certainly in the last 10 years. I just wanted to be married because I love him but now I see that marriage doesnt fit for him for other reasons. I just need a little time, I feel stupid and heartbroken.
I should have known better, I really wish I had.

OP posts:
Hardlyhardyhardy · 02/02/2026 22:24

You don’t have to be married for your partner to be next of kin.

AwfullyGood · 02/02/2026 22:25

You aren't stupid. You wwre just young, trusting and in love.

Pistachiocake · 02/02/2026 22:25

Whatwouldyoudonow · 02/02/2026 15:26

I'm still a SAHM. No wills in place, he's says they're not worth the paper they're written on. I wanted us to do our wills recently but he won't do it. House is a joint mortgage.

I take it he hasn't always been like this? Of courses wills and Next of Kin etc matter, Do you feel he could have something wrong with him, eg a neurological or mental problem, if he has changed a lot and is saying the opposite of what he has said before? Or do you feel he's just been stringing you along? I would consider seeking legal advice. You obviously can't force him to marry you, but if he's letting you down, you can at least get the legal side sorted.