To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

This is terrible advice. The OP's situation is a ticking time bomb. HE is spoiling what they have by putting the OP and her family at risk.

This was me in an 18year relationship.. he then told me last year that he isnt in the right head space for a relationship. Yet still wants all benefits of relationship. I feel so lost because hes been my person for sooo long. I also feel trapped because I am absolutely in love with him so still help out when he needs and help his mother and family when they need it still having intercourse (because I really cant think about being with anyone else it makes me feel sick) . I really dont know what to do. He started with the proposal then the we will eventually (we had children by this point) then its just a bit of paper to leaving home and leaving me to raise our disabled son 14 on my own.

Please young women, read this post - and do the total opposite. Older women - get your daughters to read it.
Do not churn out multiple babies, give up all your financial independence and assume a man will bank roll you for life without even marrying you. OP will be left with next to nothing if he swans off.

No marriage or will?? This man clearly despises you. He doesn’t seem to care about your welfare whatsoever. How heartbreaking

If you are on the deeds then it’s more likely joint tenants , which is good. Check on the land registry. It cost a couple of pounds to download.

This is terrible advice
the OP is not protected and her partner knows this hence why he won’t marry her
the relationship isn’t valued by him in anyway
she has to get savvy and quickly

Cook for you and the kids.
Do the laundry for you and the kids.

Fuck the cleaning/housework - he can do at least half or buy a cleaner - for his meagre "contribution"

You really need to find a job...anything tbh that gets you away from the house.

Is it a joint mortgage?

Try to get your name on the deeds of the house at least.

You need to talk to a solicitor and find out exactly what you are legally entitled to.

Your DH is a selfish prick.
I think men are selfish in a way that most women cannot be as they have children and many men are quite happy to walk away from their own children or have very little contact with them (weekend dads) when they break up with their partners.

I have a brother who "finally" married his partner of over 20 years with whom he had had 4 children. This happened with pressure from his own brothers and sisters "to do the decent thing". Maybe you could try this approach. Shame has its uses sometimes. You are married in all but name and you deserve legal protection as the mother of his children and his common-law wife for two decades.

I’m so sorry OP. It must be devastating to realise how little he cares for you.

But you’re only 38. You can create a lovely life for you and the DC but it will take hard work and determination. Start with checking the position of house ownership.

Do you have a separate account for CB? If not, get one and start saving it. Do you have any qualifications? You need to get into the workforce pronto

I would consider speaking to CAB or womens aid about options. But do not continue on as you are.

OP this isn’t your fault. Not getting round to it sooner when life gets in way doesn’t negate from you assuming you were both on the same page of one day, still as you originally agreed.
Fact he is now so opposed is a brutal rejection. If it’s just a piece of paper as others have said what’s the problem!?
Pull back. Protect yourself and if need be walk away. Absolutely gutted for you and his words and actions don’t align. Who wants to be the ld faithful or an also ran?

I'm sorry OP, you really need to start protecting yourself in any way you can, because he isn't and it seems won't.

I'd make lessons about this stuff compulsory in schools if I could.

@Whatwouldyoudonow

You can check this on the Landline Registry website for a small fee (about £6).

Check it!!

What? Having sex?

Does he understand that you only need to give notice at your council's register office for about £85 then about £56 for the cheapest register office wedding where it's just the couple and 2 witnesses, and maybe £12 for a wedding certificate and that you don't need to have a celebration or white dress or even rings????? Maybe he is dreading the cost and dealing with the guests and micky taking about long term unmarried couples.

I'd find out exactly what him dying would do to your circumstances and if it's anything negative, as it often is, I'd say to him a good way to demonstrate his love is with protection.

But is your name on the deeds? Is a joint mortgage enough??

It's definitely not the cost he's worried about. I've made it clear I want a marriage not a big wedding. I wouldn't mind the cheapest thing going or even a civil partnership as others have mentioned. I see now, he's not think. He knows exactly what he's doing and I was so blind to not see now. So sad after over 20 years someone can be so cruel and not care. The least he could have done is been honest about why.

You need a job. You may have NI credits for now but you dont want to live on the pittance that is state pension and you are not entitled to any of his pension. Do you have a shared bank account? Time to siphon on a pittance now and then and build some savings.

If he has now decided he doesnt want marriage he is at least thinking about a relationship with someone else. You cant afford to do anything but keep him sweet for now while you improve your financial position. Sign up to Land Registry property alerts https://www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert and also read https://hmlandregistry.blog.gov.uk/2022/11/02/what-kind-of-joint-ownership-do-i-have/

To be fair, it depends on the individual situation. I wouldn't marry my ex because of his drinking, but I had the better pension because he preferred to drink all his money. He fucked me over for child maintenance as expected. A decent person wouldn't do this and would want their partner to be protected in the event of their death.

@Whatwouldyoudonow

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/#:~:text=If%20you%20aren't%20named,help%20you%20through%20the%20process.

You might not be anything if you don’t know. You have to sign legal papers for these things.

You had a pension. You worked, you paid into one. OP is doing nothing, has no pension, and relies on this man for money!

Call me old fashioned but having kids, living together and not being married is really weird. I get you may have one child, but marry after they are born? Even now, not being married makes you have less rights if something happens/ if you split up.

I have 2 friends , who married their partner, after 20 odd years, for financial reasons ( they are very happy incidentally)

this is rubbish for you OP but don’t despair too much. You’re 38 not 58, you have time. I would tell him you’re parting company due to his absolute lack of giving a shit about you. He’ll be paying child maintenance for 10+ years and having the children 50% of the time.

i would hope that if you have a joint mortgage then you will be on the deeds (but definitely worth checking).

do you have any joint savings or anything? If so I’d clear those before you tell him, call it childcare fees for services rendered. He sounds like a cunt; you’ll be well rid.

He won't even elope? It sounds like you still expect a party and guests. I can see why a party even a small one can feel silly now.