Can't talk to DH

[myotheraccountsa]

Married over a decade. He's a lovely person and nothing is surfacially "wrong".

But we just can't / don't talk about anything of substance. We watch a lot of television. Anything beyond that, it seems to feel like we're not hearing each other. Or someone gets offended. Or we argue. Honestly, it's more effort than it's worth, so we just...don't.

I am so full of regrets in my life. I actually feel very down at the moment. I regret how trapped I feel in my career. I regret that we didn't have a DD and now it's too late to try (plus of course you can't guarantee, and we have wonderful DSs). I regret that we haven't travelled more. I regret that we didn't breed from my beloved horse while she was young enough and now she's getting old and I honestly can't imagine my world without her in it. I regret friendships I've lost. Houses we didn't buy. Family members I didn't see and then they died.

So many regrets and I can't talk to DH about them. Not that any of it is his problem really. I just feel alone. He plays his computer game, I sit alone trying to cope with these really big feelings. Sometimes I manage, but right now I'm feeling overwhelmed with it...and talking to him feels imposdible.

I sent him an AI picture of us with the DD we never had. He said "why did you do that? It's made me a bit emotional". And went back to playing his computer game. Yesterday i was really low. I hinted I'd like me, DS and the dog to go on a long drive he needed to do just so we could be together. He said it made more sense for us to stay home.

I just thought being in a marriage is meant to feel like someone is always there, your partner, that you can talk to about anything. But I feel so alone.

the thing which leapt out at me is you creating an AI pic of you with a daughter
you know that you wouldn’t have been guaranteed to have a girls if you’d TTC again
Your post is full of complaints and regrets
Think about what you do like about your life
Things that you don’t like / enjoy - what can you change?
you have to stop being passive and be proactive

I sent him an AI picture of us with the DD we never had. He said "why did you do that? It's made me a bit emotional

Fucking hell, why did you do that! That's unhinged!

The AI picture thing was a really weird thing to do even if you'd kept it to yourself, and an even weirder thing to send it to him. I can understand his reaction tbh.

Everyone has regrets in life. You don't know whether life would have been made better or worse if you'd made different decisions. But you still should be with someone you can talk to properly.

It sounds like you are blaming your DH for everything you regret about your life. If you want things to change, you have the agency. I am afraid I think the AI picture of you and him and an imaginary daughter is weird and creepy. Perhaps confide all your regrets to chat GPT instead. You might be given some sensible advice.

Your post made me feel really sad.

However you seem to be pinning a lot of responsibility on your husband to make you happy.

He might be just as lost as you are to improve the marriage and hides behind video games.

How big is your friendship network?

Personally, I wouldn't necessarily go with my problems to my husband. His man's logic sometimes defies mine and mine defies his. However there's no problem my female friends wouldn't make me feel better about in a couple of hours

Some things are best not said aloud. It sounds as if you don’t really want to talk to your husband but talk at him and blame him for your problems.

Incredibly unhinged!

Your whole post is about things you cannot change and that you are struggling to move past. I think you would benefit from some professional help to deal with these big feelings. You say none of it is his problem but you seem him to want to somehow fix these issues for you, when actually what you need to do is find peace with the decisions you've made in the past. Maybe your husband doesn't know how to talk to you about these big things - not least because there are so many - you have a whole list of things you are unhappy with. I think that the AI thing was a cry for help and hasn't done either of you any good - please see it as a sign that actually you need some proper counselling to help you get some perspective on the choices you have made in life, as well as to inject some positivity in terms of the choices you can still make. CBT is particularly effective for reframing negative thoughts and processing past decisions and actions.

I sent him an AI picture of us with the DD we never had.

what the actual fuck???? No wonder your dh distanced himself from you

Until you said about the picture thing i was along for the ride mentally and was formulating an answer. But that's thrown me!

If a friend of mine had told me all the rest of your post i'd be saying it's time to train yourself to stop thinking about what if's and shoulda coulda woulda's and count your blessings. Ask your husband to go with you on a weekend away just the two of you and reconnect ect. Nothing too unusual about any of it.

But sending him that pic ... 🫣

Sorry that is very odd OP. Don't you think? What the hell was DH supposed to say ??!

That is probably correct.

I'm not a fan of counselling as I've had plenty in the past and it generally just points out what I already know (and costs us a lot of money in the process) but it cannot "make" me feel differently if I just simply don't.

I have been very down for the past year after a very difficult year at work, where I often thought about ending things but did not because of my children. I had hoped once work got better I'd feel better but that does not seem to be the case unfortunately.

You should be able to wok about anything and everything with your partner. Ask to go to couples therapy so you can both learn how to communicate better with each other. This will only improve your relationship and make you both happier. If he refuses you know what you need to do.

Surely your marital partner is the one person you should be able to say anything to though? I absolutely agree I would never say these things to anybody else. But if my husband was struggling so much with feelings himself...I would certainly want to hear them. And no I do not blame him at all for any of it, beyond our difficulty talking to each other.

In which case I recommend making an appointment with your GP because suicidal ideation needs to be taken seriously and there is a lot of help out there - not just counselling, but medication, social prescribing, all sorts. I think what is very clear from your post is that you need some specialist support and you are absolutely entitled to this. It can be very hard to see the wood for the trees when it feels like everything is overwhelming, but that's where professional support really comes into its own. It's also a really positive step forward which in itself will help give you back more of a sense of control, because that seems to be what is lacking at the moment.

Talk to the Samaritans
Speak to your GP and get antidepressants and a referral to CBT
Speak to Mind
Does your employer have an EAP? If so take advantage of that

Tbh your husband can't help you. You are deeply depressed amd have been for a long time. You need to get yourself out of your depression with help from professionals. Not your husband

Can you get counselling? It sounds like there are a lot of things you need to talk over and a neutral person might give you space to talk.

Have you had any counselling?
I agree the communication with your DH doesn't sound great but also those are some big feelings you are dealing with and obviously need to talk through with someone, and a professional would be best.

How old are you? I imagine not that old (40s?) if you’ve been together ten years and have a child. Can you not go travelling/on nice holidays now? Move house? You’ve surely still got so much time to enjoy life and do nice things.

He did actually just come and talk to me and I told him some of how I was feeling. Like a number of people here, he said we have it in our power to change some of this eg have another baby (but I'm too old, and it would not guarantee a daughter anyway). But if not wanting to make those changes I must not torture myself and instead be happy for what we have eg not worrying about how soon our DSs will be grown and gone which is weighing very heavily on me, or how long I have left with dear horse. He is right, of course. But I cannot stop my brain and heart feeling how they feel and it hurts. So of course I could keep it to myself, as everyone here is telling me to do. But I had thought that was the point of a marital partner. I have told him now. I agree there is no point making him repeatedly hear how Im feeling, I've said it once.

There's little point speaking to anyone unless they are trained to understand and help. You are very ill, imo, and need professional help, not a chat with your husband or anyone who doesn't have the skills to treat you

I agree with others I think you need to see the GP, you may need antidepressants.

I sent him an AI picture of us with the DD we never had.

You're pining for things you don't have and not seeing what you do have. You sound extremely depressed, I would suggest you go to your GP and be screened for depression. This sounds like you need professional mental health care.

This sounds like a you problem rather than a problem with your relationship.

You are very backwards looking and obsessed with your regrets. Your DH cannot change any of those things. You need to find a way yourself to get past them - the onus is on you, not him.

And, OMG, the photo thing. I think you need to take a very hard look at yourself, very quickly.

I agree, op, please consider going to the gp as a first starting point. I think you could be depressed, and depression is so awful partly because it makes you think that it is a reasonable, and maybe even the only, response to the world around you/your life.
But it's not. You don't have to suffer with it. Hopefully you can get some help and also reconnect with your DH.
You don't say what you try to talk to him about. Many people can't really talk at length about deeply negative feelings of regret, etc. but can you talk to him about lighter topics? He might be withdrawing partly because while he loves you, living with someone with depression is incredibly hard. Or he might just be playing video games, of course we can't tell from here.
But don't suffer with all this alone.

Why is it so unhinged to allow an AI tool to show you something you always wanted? Magic Mirrors have been doing it in stories for hundreds of years, from Snow White to Harry Potter. We just now have actual Magic Mirror technology that can do it. I don't disagree with people (inc my DH) who have said it is self torture and not helpful...but why is it so unhinged?