Can't talk to DH

[myotheraccountsa]

Married over a decade. He's a lovely person and nothing is surfacially "wrong".

But we just can't / don't talk about anything of substance. We watch a lot of television. Anything beyond that, it seems to feel like we're not hearing each other. Or someone gets offended. Or we argue. Honestly, it's more effort than it's worth, so we just...don't.

I am so full of regrets in my life. I actually feel very down at the moment. I regret how trapped I feel in my career. I regret that we didn't have a DD and now it's too late to try (plus of course you can't guarantee, and we have wonderful DSs). I regret that we haven't travelled more. I regret that we didn't breed from my beloved horse while she was young enough and now she's getting old and I honestly can't imagine my world without her in it. I regret friendships I've lost. Houses we didn't buy. Family members I didn't see and then they died.

So many regrets and I can't talk to DH about them. Not that any of it is his problem really. I just feel alone. He plays his computer game, I sit alone trying to cope with these really big feelings. Sometimes I manage, but right now I'm feeling overwhelmed with it...and talking to him feels imposdible.

I sent him an AI picture of us with the DD we never had. He said "why did you do that? It's made me a bit emotional". And went back to playing his computer game. Yesterday i was really low. I hinted I'd like me, DS and the dog to go on a long drive he needed to do just so we could be together. He said it made more sense for us to stay home.

I just thought being in a marriage is meant to feel like someone is always there, your partner, that you can talk to about anything. But I feel so alone.

Oh man.

Where to start.

OP, book an emergency GP for tomorrow

Tell the GP about sending the AI pic and see what their response it

Because you should be trying to move past it and appreciating what you do have, rather than nursing your regrets. It’s akin to building a shrine to a child who never existed and then showing it to people. Very bizarre.

I feel like the GP will not take me seriously because I am not crying, losing weight, not sleeping etc. I am outwardly v successful at work. I occasionally break down at home but would not with a GP. I took the online nhs mood test and it said I have mild anxiety but no depression because the feelings are not constant every day over months.

It's very unhelpful to your health and your life

It's therefore very unhelpful to your family

And instead of getting help to live each day in gratitude for what you already have, you choose to wallow in unhappiness for what you don't have

You need urgent medical assistance

Tell them about the AI thing
They will take you seriously

Sorry op but the AI thing is really unhealthy and sounds like self harming, mentally,
tbh. Magic mirrors are from fairy tales.
you sound very depressed and need to seek professional help.

Show the GP this thread. I feel sure that you will be given medication and referred on for help

This.

If you tell them this, they will absolutely see that you need help.

My DH would probably get a worse reaction if he sent me an AI picture of the DD we didn't have. There are so many negative regrets in your post, and I'm sure you have even more things you should be grateful for. If that is how you usually speak with your DH, I could see that really bringing him down and feeling he and your sons aren't enough for you. That's really sad. If you're depressed try therapy, something like CBT. Dwelling on all these negatives is no way to live.

I'm pleased he came to talk with you, it showed he'd taken your mood on board. MOH and I have been together for 25yrs (2nd time around for both) and we giggled over a quiz that showed he was a sociopath - no empathy/sympathy/compassion, no regrets/remorse/, no culpability or respect for the law. I said I'd get him a t-shirt that said 'I'm a Sociopath....and I don't care!'. I'm telling you this because I decided years ago that I could work round all these 'failings' balanced against his good bits. I no longer expect him to 'be there for me' but he has learnt to listen and do his best - I deal with my own ups and downs, just knowing he's trying is enough. Do you have anyone else you could open up to? Would talking to a professional help? Only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker for you both but, personally, I'm glad I stayed with mine. 💐

You sound very very depressed and need professional help.

Maybe your DH doesnt want in-depth conversations because you are so sad and negative and really not happy.

Please get yourself some help x

It sounds like you are experiencing grief OP.

Everyone is NOT telling you to keep it to yourself, most people are suggesting you get professional support from someone.

You had suicidal ideation - the GP WILL take you seriously, I think you are making excuses not to get in touch with them. You have just selected some of the symptoms that you think you need to exhibit in order to be diagnosed with something, but that's not the case at all. Your rumination on regrets, your inability to find joy in the positive things in your life, your insistence that the way you feel is just 'what is it and can't be changed' - all of those point towards more than just an occasional low mood. Please let the professionals help - at least that way you can say you tried, because at the moment you are just stuck.

OP, what was your intention with the AI picture? Were you hoping he would say he felt the same? Were you hoping it would spark a conversation? Its an odd thing to do but you must have had some idea of what you hoped to achieve?
Just trying to reframe it - If your husband had mocked up a pic of himself with say a woman he thought he would have married, how would you view that? It's rather a 'look what I'd rather have won' situation.

No one, not one single person, is telling you to keep these feelings to yourself

DO NOT KEEP THESE FEELINGS TO YOURSELF.

See your GP.

You can stop your brain and heart feeling negative and sad.

Get help from a Doctor today

Much of this is a choice. If you think about your horse, you could feel happy you got to have her, happy you’ve had so many years, and then as she ages, happy that when she passes you’ll have more time for travel. But you feel unhappy. You actively wish away the good things in your life, and you want DH right there miserable as well.

No. Try very hard to find a silver lining, a bright side. Think of it as a workout for your brain. Actively make the happy pathways. Happiness actually is something you can fake if you have a good life, and you do. You can change your mood with work. One thing is to think about how immensely lucky you are in cosmic terms. Billions to one you’re born, and then in a safe country with running water, free education and your children won’t die of malaria or diarrhea. You aren’t beaten. You weren’t married off at ten. You can drive, vote, work. Even if you don’t like your job.

Seek the things that we know make us happy. Hike. Eat healthy food, especially foods known for being precursors to happy hormones. Hug your family, sniff their heads. Laugh. Dance. Get enough sun. Have things to look forward to. Book and anticipate them. See obstacles as funny stories, and lessons, not some awful thing. Volunteer. Travel to places where people have less. Gently and respectfully.

Stop trying to drag your DH into a bad mood.

So of course I could keep it to myself, as everyone here is telling me to do.

honestly Op, I am genuinely concerned about and for you

After seeing your updates it’s clear that this isn’t just a DH problem. It seems you’re very unwell and stuck in a bad place.

GP appointment asap, be very open and honest, therapy is a must and making changes in your life like getting outdoors more are small steps that you can take immediately.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
MNHQ

OP, worrying about how long you have left with your horse and your DS leaving home and all these things is just bringing you unhappiness while you should be enjoying the here and now. So you are upset now about things you are also going to be upset about in the future, when they happen. The picture thing, well, what did you expect your DH to do? He can't magically make a DD appear. He can't tell you you'll have your horse forever. He can't tell you your DS will never leave home.

You need help to see joy where the joy is and to let go of the worrying about the future. GP would be a good first step.

I think the woman situation would be rather different as that'd literally be him showing me someone he'd rather be with than me?

I knew that he wanted another child too, but he wasn't as set on gender. And we've just avoided really talking about the feelings from leaving it too late (we said we'd do it at 35 but it didn't work out that way with careers, finances, covid etc). So I suppose I just wanted a shared conversation of how we felt. An acknowledgement that he was sad about it too and I wasn't alone. If he'd done and showed me the same, it would have been a suckerpunch but I would not have thought it weird, or resented him for it. Which, I don't - think - he does of me. I'm unsure now based on everyone's reaction here.

He may be used to you obsessing about these regrets and it being a “normal” part of your conversation. A boiled frog.

The better barometer is the reaction here. How you are behaving/thinking is very unusual and not something your DH can be held responsible for sorting.

Also, you are effectively telling him, over and over, that he’s not enough for you. That your actual children are not enough for you. That despite having built a life together with you with lots of good things in it (many people would lived to have had a nice husband, multiple children, houses and horses) it is lacking.

And then you show him a picture to ram it all home.

Your behaviour, although it may be mired in a mental health crisis, is deeply hurtful and insensitive to those around you.

The biggest problem is that you're not facing the fact that you are ill and need medical assistance

Your husband is the red herring which you keep talking about to avoid going to get help