Can't talk to DH

[myotheraccountsa]

Married over a decade. He's a lovely person and nothing is surfacially "wrong".

But we just can't / don't talk about anything of substance. We watch a lot of television. Anything beyond that, it seems to feel like we're not hearing each other. Or someone gets offended. Or we argue. Honestly, it's more effort than it's worth, so we just...don't.

I am so full of regrets in my life. I actually feel very down at the moment. I regret how trapped I feel in my career. I regret that we didn't have a DD and now it's too late to try (plus of course you can't guarantee, and we have wonderful DSs). I regret that we haven't travelled more. I regret that we didn't breed from my beloved horse while she was young enough and now she's getting old and I honestly can't imagine my world without her in it. I regret friendships I've lost. Houses we didn't buy. Family members I didn't see and then they died.

So many regrets and I can't talk to DH about them. Not that any of it is his problem really. I just feel alone. He plays his computer game, I sit alone trying to cope with these really big feelings. Sometimes I manage, but right now I'm feeling overwhelmed with it...and talking to him feels imposdible.

I sent him an AI picture of us with the DD we never had. He said "why did you do that? It's made me a bit emotional". And went back to playing his computer game. Yesterday i was really low. I hinted I'd like me, DS and the dog to go on a long drive he needed to do just so we could be together. He said it made more sense for us to stay home.

I just thought being in a marriage is meant to feel like someone is always there, your partner, that you can talk to about anything. But I feel so alone.

I don’t think I can recall an OP that more genuinely needs professional support than this one. Sadly though, I think the chances of this OP calling a GP tomorrow is nil

But isn’t your AI picture of a daughter saying you’d rather have a daughter than a son? How do you think your sons would feel if they saw that picture?

Constantly focussing on what don’t have or didn’t do is not healthy. It sounds like you have lots of good in your life which could bring you joy if you’d let it.

Not at all. I 100% would not swap my sons for a daughter. They are amazing. I can still be deeply sad at not having had a daughter as well, not instead.

How do you think your sons would feel if they read what you’ve just written?
What do you think a daughter would bring to your life that your sons don’t?

Do you not see that you showing a picture with a daughter could make your sons feel how you'd feel if your DH did it with another woman?
Maybe he isn't sad about it, maybe he is happy with his sons and doesn't want to sit in your misery with you. Which would be totally understandable and healthy.

You sound OP as though you think it is ok to be deeply sad about not having had a daughter, to the extent that it is having an extreme effect on your life.

Gently, do you think that is a normal reaction?

Every single human on earth has regrets. We all have to find ways to move past them. For example, I wanted to be a vet, but life didn’t turn out that way. Would you think it normal or healthy for me to be mired in regret about this despite having a lovely life? To be telling my DH and family endlessly how unhappy I was because of that? To mock up AI pictures of myself in vets scrubs and share them with people to underline my unhappiness?

What would you think of a friend who did that to you?

OP, Creating a picture of you, DH and DD that you didn’t have is an act of sadness, maybe borderline grief.

My DH and I have a wealth of life behind us, some things were good, some were not so good but every now and then we say out loud “Je ne regrette rein” and we mean it!

We try to live with mindfulness in that we cannot do anything about the past. We only have this time together that we have left. And that time is passing to quickly, and so, little time for regrets.

Do something different. What have you always wanted to do that is within your means. I think we must always have periods of change in our lives. Are you stuck in a bit of a rut?

I totally agree with you that you should be able to have any depth of conversation with your DH. I can and do with mine. That doesn’t mean he always wants to hear it or that he will always be receptive to hearing it. But your DH did come and talk to you, and that is proof that he is willing and able. You may not always agree with what he says or how he says it, but keep the conversation going. Explore your feelings with him and explore with yourself also, why you hold onto past regrets that you have no control over.

I’m guessing you are very very morose at home, very down, You need help @myotheraccountsa , you really really do.

I felt like this last year and found out I was perimenopausal (HRT has been an absolute blessing). I'm not saying it's the same for you but it did leave me spiralling into a deep depressive episode which really crept up on me. I remember feeling very negatively about things and would end up ruminating about past regrets and how bleak everything looked. I even started to resent my husband just like you. I'm in a much better place now. I started on HRT and take an antidepressant (which I'll hopefully come off soon). Being in a better place mentally has really helped me enjoy things again and has improved my relationships no end. I do exercise quite intensively and eat very well which also helps.

Just coming to post what @DuchessofStaffordshire has just said.
You’ve hinted at your age, and it’s likely you’re perimenopausal. I think it’s a time that really magnifies the what ifs around the children we never had.
I do think HRT would really help.

Were you still getting regular menstrual cycles at this point? If so, it could be a possibility. I have asked the gp about this when i was very low last year but they said I had no likely symptoms.

Well said! I wandered if it could be peri menopause also. Before I went on HRT, my first thought on waking was what’s the point of life. I have never suffered from anxiety or depression, so to go from the me that was before to thinking on those lines was quite disturbing.

I feel so much better now, and those dark thoughts are gone.

OP, consider this!

Not all the time, no. And my work colleagues would have literally no idea. I just feel trapped inside my mind screaming most of the time, alone. It doesn't mean that I don't know how to put a smily face on it.

You can explain this to the Doctor tomorrow. They will understand and know what to do to help you become well

Thank you, I think this post resonates with me more. People are assuming that DH does not also want a daughter etc. He just does not focus on things like I do. And for the most part I have not tried to talk about things, I just watch tv and play groundhog day. But i do believe if one person in a marriage is deeply sad they should be able to tell the other. It doesn't mean they expect the other to fix it, just to be there and talk. Anyway, now we have.

Obviously everyone is correct that I should focus on the positive. That is easier said than done, but is what I pretend to do 90% of the time. I do a lot of exercise and eat well too. I am frequently outdoors.

The AI picture was really a horrible thing to do. He can’t do anything about it. We only have 1 child and if my DH did that to me, I would’ve upset with him. You need to go and speak to the GP as you need help with your feelings. What you’re doing isn’t normal.

Hello OP, I think a lot of posters have been very harsh on you with their judgements. You are clearly struggling, and unhappy, and that is not easy. Your feelings are your feelings, even if they are difficult ones, or ones other people think are strange. And it's especially difficult if you don't feel connected to your DH when you need to talk about how you feel, and you need to make some changes in order to feel better. Writing on here is probably a good first step in making sense of it all. Would a next little step maybe be trying to catch up with a friend that you really trust to talk some of this through if a counsellor or GP doesn't feel right at the moment?

I don't think you have accessed correct tests. NHS screening for anxiety and depression should ask how often you felt in a particular way of previous 2 weeks.

I agree with others, you need to talk to your GP. Your husband hasn't got the training to offer your proper support.

Most men are "fixers". If they can't "fix" they feel lost. You don't need "fixing ". You need someone to talk to about your difficult feelings and regrets and about your achievements and successes too.

Why are you relying on him to make you happy ? Have you no agency of your own ? Money issues ?

Your family will be acutely aware

You owe it to yourself and to them
but am I right in thinking you have no intention whatsoever of seeking professional support as a matter of urgency?

You have posted some very concerning threads in recent times OP.

Do you remember Dumbledore's wise words on the Mirror of Erised? "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that".

It is 'unhinged' because you're spending time dwelling on something that isn't instead of rejoicing in what IS. You have healthy sons, rejoice. You have a husband who loves you, rejoice. You still have your beloved horse, rejoice in that until he's no longer with you.

I'm not a fan of counselling........but it cannot "make" me feel differently if I just simply don't.

You need to see a counselor. But you need to understand that counseling is not a 'spectator sport'. It takes brutal honesty and hard, hard work. So no, it cannot 'make' you feel differently, you have to make yourself feel differently. Counseling will give you the tools, but you have to want to use them. Sometimes we 'cling to the chains that bind us' because freedom from them is 'unknown' and frightening, sometimes it's because we don't truly believe we deserve to be happy. But everyone deserves to be happy, including you.

OP has said she had been to councillors in the past, that she is not a fan and that nothing has been revealed that she didn’t already know. I am also not a fan of counselling.

So all diagnosing that OP needs professional help as the only way through this aren’t actually listening to her.

For some marriage is a place of emotional support also. It is not enough to say DH shouldn’t have to deal with emotions at this level. Who should then, strangers, friends? But not the person you share the most intimate parts of ypur life with, the person you sleep and wake with everyday.

I am fortunate that I can speak about my dark,
mad, stupid thoughts and feelings with my DH. No he doesn’t always want to listen, he doesn’t always understand, but if he is willing to listen he is willing to learn. And if he will not listen, occasionally, he will get a bit of a telling off.

I can’t imagine a life where I feel scared, alone, confused and in pain and not being able to tell my DH. It works both ways.

You do realise that professional help doesn’t just mean seeing a counsellor?

Yes I do!