Elderly mum criticism over my appearance

[GoldOP]

My mum is 90 and I’m 52, since I was a child she has been overly critical about my physical appearance, telling me I was fat as a child, when I’d gained weight as a young woman when my hair was too long, short, straight frizzy etc.
As my own kids have grown up I’ve heard her tell my dd (now 20) that she has chubby cheeks, she looked better blond (naturally blond as a child but light brown as an adult) but I’ve never really heard her critisise my ds (18) appearance or that of any of my nephews. I can’t comment on whether she ever critiqued the appearance of my 2 brothers as there is a big age gap and they are much older so I don’t remember …

Today I visited her, we sat there talking and I felt her staring at me so I braced myself for something, she told me my face looked fatter and I don’t suit my hair in a bun, “why do I wear it like that, how long is it worn down, why have it long if you’re going to tie it up just have it cut” I pointed out it was in a bun as needed washing and I was going to the gym after visit her.
I drove home feeling shit, it’s nothing new her being like this and I put up with it throughout my teens and 20’s but she kind of lay off me throughout my 30’s and 40’s as to be honest I was an ok looking woman!! But I think my perimenopausal face, dry hair, weight gain has given her warrant to unleash new criticism just when I thought she’d mellowed!!

I think, easier said than done, just try to be thankful you haven’t grown up in an era where a women’s sole worth is her looks.

My mum is very very similar. Can totally relate to bracing yourself to whatever criticism she’s about to bestow.

I could write at length about this and the impact it’s had on me. But we both know our mums are not going to change now.

My dad is like this, even at 92. He’s learned not to comment if he doesn’t like my appearance but he’s very complimentary when he does. Creepy fucker. “Hey there, blondie.” when I got highlights. It’s like you’re an extension of them and they take it personally.

To a narcissist you are seen as extension of them.

Op - you would not put up with this from a friend and you do not have to take such insults from your narcissistic mother either. Stay away from her entirely. Grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Therapy could also be beneficial to you.

“Why don’t you start on fixing your shitty nasty personality first. Do not belittle me about my appearance- it’s completely unwanted and makes me think you’re just a nasty rancid bitch. If you ever belittle my children about their appearance again, it will be the last words you say to me. Do you understand?”

My nana always used to criticise my DM’s appearance when she was a teenager but as she got older didn’t mention anything. The only thing she did say once when my mum got some really trendy flattering clothes (totally different to her usual hippie style!) was how nice she looked.

OP, ignore your mother!

My mother 86, grew up in a culture and age where your looks were all you had. No education, no money, no social class, no advantages except what nature gave you. Reinforced by every woman she came into contact with. She is very lucky, she was beautiful and still is.

I only found this out about 2 years ago when I asked her why she always commented on my weight and looks. It doesn’t bother me any more as I understand where it comes now. She literally can’t help it.

I wouldn’t even bother with this. I’d just ignore her, smile and change the subject.

Once I was at my nana’s flat and dressed in a sun top, my nana was ill in bed. She looked at me and enviously said “look at you Miss Page 3 girl!” Because I had a good sized bust and both she and my DM were as flat as pancakes! There were comments when I was 13 about where did she get her bust/boobs from?! Not their side of the family.

Luckily my nana never openly criticised my appearance in front of or behind my mum I think it’d have been WWIII if she had done!

my mum was the same. it really impacted me on a deep level and gave me self esteem issues that effected my mental health. she pushed me to be perfect in every way. she was very beautiful.

My mum is the same. Makes a negative comment about my appearance every time she sees me. Hurtful when you are getting your head round menopausal physical changes.

maybe just reply “that’s rather pot and kettle don’t you think.”

At age 90 there is only so much time you have with your DM. I would try and ignore and take her comments in the context of her age and the era she grew up in when a women's worth was measured by her looks. I think as people age they also loose their inhibitions and being able to 'read the room'. Maybe access therapy for yourself in relation to your childhood experiences and the impact it's had on your self esteem.

People can say she’s not going to change. But you can.

When she is offensive, you can say, how rude of you to comment on my looks - and get up and walk out.

Be consistent. She will soon learn about consequences.

All the other comments are about enabling her to be abusive to you.

You are a powerful person in this dynamic. Change how you behave.

She will die yes - everyone in the world will, doesn’t mean we should tolerate abuse.

Just respond with a bland "oh well, never mind" or "thanks" comment and change the subject. To "why" questions, reply "because I do". Try to emotionally detach yourself from what she's actually said.

You don't need to justify anything to her or need her approval and she's unlikely to change.

She’s 90, has been like this for all of your life. You have 3 choices - ignore and carry in the conversation, challenge her at the time or stop visiting. You’re an adult not a child!
For those of you here who refer to her as a ‘sexist old bat’, you’re as bad as the mother!

My old man (now 87) started doing this, saying I was too thin and saying “you need at least half a stone on you.”

He soon shut up when I turned on him and said “That would be far easier for me to do than for you to lose the at least 2 stone too much you are carrying”.

He was seething, but shut his mouth.

I think this is excellent advice, although I’d be wanting to give both barrels but doing that would be seen as aggressive, she was just trying to help etc etc.
My mum used to be very much like this but she had a near death experience and has actually changed quite a lot. She is very critical of her own looks from ageing and actually to excess: she definitely has narcissistic traits and couldn’t understand how my being overweight was no reflection on her etc.

So next time just bounce it back to her and dismiss it with ‘oh you've always been critical of my appearance’ and change the topic of conversation. Do not justify your appearance, just pointing out that she has a history of criticism about your appearance and move on conversation wise.

This is nothing to do with her age, just her personality.

This, but delivered calmly and slowly and minus the expletives, is what you need to do. For yourself, and for your DDs.

She’s an adult, but she’s still a child - she’s this woman’s child. Of course that affects her response. Naive to think it wouldn’t just because she’s an adult by years of age.

Not all women of her generation act like ops mother does. And why go back to be further insulted by a relative?. I note she’s commented on her granddaughter too but not the males in her life.

No one should tolerate such abuse from a relative.

𝐌𝐲 𝐝𝐚𝐝 𝐰𝐚𝐬 like this too, I remember him saying if I lost half a stone I’d be perfect … stop eating ketchup and drinking fizzy drinks and I’d lose enough weight to be beautiful … it used to upset me … never said anything sadly … he’s dead now but I still remember it