Elderly mum criticism over my appearance

[GoldOP]

My mum is 90 and I’m 52, since I was a child she has been overly critical about my physical appearance, telling me I was fat as a child, when I’d gained weight as a young woman when my hair was too long, short, straight frizzy etc.
As my own kids have grown up I’ve heard her tell my dd (now 20) that she has chubby cheeks, she looked better blond (naturally blond as a child but light brown as an adult) but I’ve never really heard her critisise my ds (18) appearance or that of any of my nephews. I can’t comment on whether she ever critiqued the appearance of my 2 brothers as there is a big age gap and they are much older so I don’t remember …

Today I visited her, we sat there talking and I felt her staring at me so I braced myself for something, she told me my face looked fatter and I don’t suit my hair in a bun, “why do I wear it like that, how long is it worn down, why have it long if you’re going to tie it up just have it cut” I pointed out it was in a bun as needed washing and I was going to the gym after visit her.
I drove home feeling shit, it’s nothing new her being like this and I put up with it throughout my teens and 20’s but she kind of lay off me throughout my 30’s and 40’s as to be honest I was an ok looking woman!! But I think my perimenopausal face, dry hair, weight gain has given her warrant to unleash new criticism just when I thought she’d mellowed!!

Ops been tolerating this from her mother her whole life. Again this is more about her mothers narcissistic personality rather than generation. She sees op as a rival.

Can you grey rock it.

Your face looks fat like that.
'I don't really care'

Why do you wear your hair like that.
'I like it'

That's not flattering
'oh well, never mind'

My grandmother, who would be 96 if still alive, had no money, social class, education… she also wasn’t a beauty. She didn’t end up being a bitch about other people’s looks. She was always kind and generous. Don’t let your mother off entirely, many women were perfectly able to make their way in the world… poor, unattractive and untaught… without being nasty. She makes her own choices within the society she was raised in.

Mine is the same, but I don't let her see my (now adult) DC any more - if they are visiting, I don't let her visit because she will comment on their weight/looks/dress.

I'm not having her fuck my beautiful daughters up the way she did me.

Just worth pondering.

Have you told her how rude and judgemental it is?

I wouldn’t keep my DD’s away, I would let them see me state my views on the whole matter of how women ‘ought’ to be , ‘should’ look and how personally rude and politically toxic it is to make critical comments.

Being calm and polite, of course. Not using any insults or passive aggression.

Some women in particular are very jealous of their daughters. Their youth, opportunities they did not have etc etc.
Do not feel angry. Feel sad for her despite how bloody angry it makes you. It also I suspect is a sign of someone not very insightful to their own emotions. For whatever reason.
Feel bereft for the mother you might have had by all means !

Do you speak to your mum like that?

'I'm going to leave now and will do that immediately from now on, any time you offer your unwanted criticism of my appearance or that of my DD'. And do it.

“Honestly mum knock it off”. A lifetime of this criticism would be awful.

My mum is critical, not of my appearance but of my choices. I had a light-bulb moment when instead of justifying myself (as I feel you did OP) I just owned it. I said, "because I like it that way". Never forget her response, "oh". That's what I do now, it makes me feel like I have the control and power and I feel takes the power from her criticism. If it was weight I may say her comment is not necessary and that we're more than what we look like.

I’m in my 60s and have had it all my life. Is it that generation where they think it’s ok to comment? I think they don’t have certain filters. I’ve got an old aunt and uncle (getting on for 90) and they make me feel even more self conscious than I normally do.

My mum is exactly the same but she doesn't mean any harm. As she is mid 80's I let it go right over my head as I don't know how long she will be around for.

We all joke that her and her sisters have absolutely no filter at all and say what they think without realising that their comments could be hurtful to some

My mum is the same. I think it was a mix of:

1. Seeing her daughters as extensions of her (and being offended that we had our own styles and preferences rather than adopting hers),
2. Having an "elders and betters" mentality whereby she felt entitled to be rude to us but it didn't apply in reverse, and
3. She was obsessed with the idea that we constantly needed talking down a peg or two to avoid us becoming vain and conceited and (horror of horrors) thinking we might attract boys.

I can't remember my mother ever giving me a compliment about my appearance except something like looking smart in new school uniform. Other than that i was always told I was a scruff, terrible skin, hair a mess (it isn't, it's just long and trimmed rather than being in a particular style), needed it cut short, putting on weight, now too "thin and haggard". Strangely when I dyed my dark hair blonde for about 3 years she would moan every time she saw me "oh why do you do that, you used to have such beautiful hair". Oddly enough the beautiful hair had never been mentioned before and when I went back to dark it wasn't mentioned again!

She stopped commenting as much when I started doing it back to her. For as long as I can remember she has had a short sensible perm. Apparently this is the only acceptable style for a respectable married woman. One time she berated me for my long hair "like a witch" I snapped back well, I think yours looks like a birds nest. I was told that was hurtful and offensive. Go figure. It did shut her up a bit though.

These types of women absolutely mean harm too. Abuse like this from a parent should neither be tolerated or excused as old age.

Mine used to comment on weight, hair and spots obsessively. I once told someone what she was like and they thought I was exaggerating. They visited her with me and within 2 minutes there was an unpleasant personal comment that shocked them.

Years later I spoke to her about it and asked her to stop - now shes much more likely to say positive comments. Sadly it went on for so long that it ruined my self confidence when I was young.

Love this! ❤️

My 85 year old Mum does this too. Grew up in a era where female appearance was so important I guess. We just try to ignore but it's very bad when she bangs on about being fat to the younger members of the family

Not all women of that age are like that. Some people have loving hearts. Some don’t. Your mum was probably your first bully. It’s terrible to come to terms with but we can. Now that I can see the pattern it makes life a lot easier and quieter.

Keep the unloving people away.
Find and stay by loving people.

No one had less access to money, education, social glass or advantages then my wee granny. And a sweeter, kinder women you could never hope to meet. My nana had an equally tough upbringing but was judgemental and hard as nails.
I know you are trying to rationalise your mum's behaviour as a coping mechanism but it genuinely it is not to do with her age or the period she grew up in. It is her response to those factors. Other women did not respond in the same way. So it is not generational - it is all about personality.

I’ve had years of this and with a teen dd now I’m feeling the urge too. I think it’s years and years of being made so self conscious about my looks, that I have this heightened awareness of the things dd could get bullied for, and I feel this desperate urge to fix her so she’ll be ok.

It’s a cycle that needs breaking. I know that! I have the social supports of knowledge and education about the harms of criticism and nit picking, as well as the lived experience. But what helps most is knowing that she will have options and opportunities in life that aren’t dependent on her looks.

Women in their 90s now did not grow up knowing that, and it might help to realise that what you’re experiencing is the long tail of misogyny. We’ve been fighting for generations, and each generation can see the internalised misogyny of the last, because we are the legacy of their struggle.

Other women did not respond in the same way. So it is not generational - it is all about personality.

I agree. As for some comments that say their mothers call them ugly, fat or other vile abusive things but it's ok because they are just speaking their mind and dont realise it's rude. Sorry, but they absolutely do realise, they just dont care.

I get none of us want to think our relatives are arseholes but if you've lived on this planet for 80 years and have even half a brain cell you damn well know that telling someone they are fat or ugly is rude. Its deliberate.

Yep. Pavlovs dogs, one warning and then leave. You’ll see then whether she prefers a relationship to the dopamine hit she gets when she has a go at you. Because that’s why she’s doing it, she gets a little hit of pleasure.

But knowing the reason (and i accept what you are saying) doesn’t lessen the impact on you or the fact it shouldn’t be tolerated.

my mums a horrific misogynist by the way!

A friend of mine got her mum to stop by saying 'if you dont have anything nice to say about my appearance, dont say anything at all please' and then every time her mum said something afterwards she'd say 'there you go again, putting me down for no reason. I'll be going now mum' (or if she couldnt leave, she'd get up and go to the bathroom and sit there for 5 minutes) and her mum did actually stop, because she couldn't really argue with it - although she did initially try saying 'im just trying to be helpful' to which friend just repeated 'I dont want your help on my appearance, if you dont have anything nice...' line.

Thanks for all your replies, I can see I’m not the only one with a challenging parent!
I think if she had only got like this recently I’d put it down to an elderly woman with no filter however as it’s been happening since my childhood then it is clearly her personality, as some have mentioned I can now see she does have narcissistic traits and always has.

I can remember being about 8 and her running me a bath, she then made me stand there naked while she got me on the scales, told me I had a spare tyre and tree trunk legs. Laughable really that as the parent she controlled my diet and clearly let me become an overweight child, it was only when I took control of my own diet as an adult that I lost weight. Ironically I then got told I was too thin!

I got home y’day and told my dd that it was my turn to be told by nana I had chubby cheeks we both had a laugh about it, regardless of her/my age the comments still manage to hurt tho. I try and picture her at 52 when I will have been 14 and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t as fit (physically) and looked older than I do now!